Nightmares of the future?

I had a nightmare last night that I was sectioned 6 days before I was due to start at university.  I was suicidal in  the dream and had been planning and thinking of every way to harm myself severely.  One of my gym instructors seemed to be in the role of my doctor and arranged for me to be sectioned because she knew what I was thinking and planning.  2 women came along with paperwork in their hands and even though I didn't put up a fight,  they restrained me. Pinning me to the floor apologising whilst I begged and said I'd go willingly.  Apparently it was for my own good.

Its been playing on my mind all day.  Is a week before when things are really going to fall apart?  Or does my brain just want the easy way out rather than having to deal with all this? Why does part of me still want that to happen?

No excuses

Theere are no excuses for my abscence.

I just haven't felt like blogging.

There still been plenty going on. Maybe there's been too much going on. I don't do very well with time management; My room is a tip, I haven't completed the extra bits on the volunteer project i've been doing, I haven't started the college (yes i'm attempting to study again)assignment i got monday (its now Friday), I'm trying to get fundraising bits sorted for my run (paper forms & cards with online sponsor page, just a T-shirts & the emailing round/publicity to do) - oh & i'm still trying to lose all the weight i gained over Christmas. Probably about half a stone, but its not just over eating at christmas, its huge lack of exercise due to illness too. So that flat tummy i worked so hard to gain has gone. But i need to be thinking about running really as i am extremely behind with training. So for now it will be running 4 days a week, yoga/pilates etc 4 times a week, a couple of my beloved classes on a sunday (although one of them is one of those 4 yogaish ones) and fridays i may do a weights class but taking it gently.
Except for half term & tutorial weeks when i get the chance to do classes with instructors i really miss doing classes with.

That kind of brings me onto why i've returned. The nightmare last night was that mixture of painful upsetting because it was comfort that i know will never happen & very distressing because it was dragging up some of the worst of the past. I can't recal the order of events but it included all of these points:

• M, an instructor i miss doing classes with rescuing me when my car broke down & i was very distressed & taking me back to her place


• Where my psych called me and told me i was going to be sectioned (It was my first adult services psych who couldn't really speak english & grabbed my arm & pushed up my sleeve to see my scars - funnily enough i always hated him) when i asked why it was due the arm band marks that mum had seen on my tummy - which apparently made me a danger to myself (WTF goes on in my head while i'm asleep?!)


• I told M it would be fine as i hadn't been harming, so i'd go but they had no grounds to section me.


• Except they did. horrible psych was there with another of my current instructors R who was trying to get him to see the benefits of the classes while he just said it was me damaging myself. There was another bloke in the room i was in too & i can't recall what but he doesn't have a positive feel attached to him - quite the opposite.


• Somewhere along the lines i was talking to someone at a yard who was telling me she had met me before when i'd had a car accident with a horse box, but i was sure that i had only had one serious incident which didn't involve anyone else (which is true). I felt all confused in the dream but kind of confused when i woke up too. Its like the dream was becoming reality and i couldn't separate the 2.


• There was something else too about getting ready for a party & getting the theme wrong & then we were at this restaurant & someone dropped the game of battleships & mum & i were trying to find all the little pieces. All though there were no familiar faces other than mum, it still didn't feel like a happy dream. like there was something underlying which still makes me want to wake up & cry.

Which is pretty much what i did - well on the car on the way here, to college. Is it a bit risky blogging from college? That does seem to be a big theme with me right now - Apathy. I couldn't give a shit about anything. Its taken me a month to start stressing about the weight gain - stressing to the point of harming at least and even then i couldn't be bothered to do that damage i felt i wanted too.

Anyway in 7 minutes i need to be in class where we are giving indvidual presentation - just what i need!

Time to resurface

It's time to resurrect Susie. I disappeared not because i wanted to to but because i screwed up. I managed to send an email to my whole personal address book but from my blog account. I am praying very hard that no-one then googled the name & blog and that if they have, they respect my privacy enough to not read it when i release the gag on Susie Belle - or at least even if they do read & know my true identity that they keep very very quiet about it & bascially pretend they have never even read it! Even when speaking to me, if i thought i was speaking to someone who knew my inner thoughts i really do think i would be tipped over the edge.

That's partly why Susie is coming out of hiding because there is too much going around in my head & i have nowhere to put that stuff. I can't tell people whats really going on, I'm ashamed of what goes around in my head & i'm terrified of what people will think of me. There is, however, still that part of me that wants to show people i'm really struggling. Its that part of me that wants to self destruct, cause damage to the point where i need physical help to cope with the injury i've caused. I could go to someone for sutures yet still i don't. That isn't severe enough to warrant outside help, i can deal with that myself. The chemical burn issue is still in my head but all that happened last time was i ended up making 30 mile round trips to a plastic surgery unit & wasting petrol & i have barely enough money for petrol as it is right now. Plus i can't be bothered with the hassle of extra appointments. I seem to have enough of those right now. I'm sure i'll get to the point where i lose control enough & dissociate from my actions to the point where i need help eventually. I normally do when i feel things building like this.

I requested my notes from the sessions with TP a while back & i got them last week. The only real information i got was a summary letter from TP to Dr L, which was actually quite enlightening & kind of changed my opinion of him, or at least made me see him in a slightly different light. However of course this has then been playing on my mind, to the point that he appeared in my nightmare the other night. It was as though i was watching from above.

I was in his office & he was asking me to redo a computing profiling assessment. He was calm, kind, almost affectionate, telling me that he would know if i had lied in my answers. He then left the room, saying he needed to get something from the secretary. After he left the background voice (my own voice) started on about the fact that someone was watching me. I got up looked around the room, checking for cameras trying to reassure myself that i was being paranoid. However i didn't spot the pinhole camera which was feeding ack to TP outside. The background voice kept on and i lost my temper, grabbing a letter opener on TP's desk and started stabbing my thigh. TP ran in & tried to restrain me, yet i was as though i didn't see him there, like i was no longer in control of my actions. He tried to get me to focus on him but it was like he didn't exist & i just kept fighting. Other staff members soon followed and assisted in the restraint.

It has left me slightly confused. Did i make a mistake in not going to the last session? Should i have tried harder? But think about how i felt after each session. I needed sutures after each one and the nightmare has caused the same problem. In one of the final sessions i dissociated and recall little of the session, other than a dog barking & his next patient arriving (except i thought we were at the beginning & he had doubled booked). I'm going to show M the letter & brief attendance details, where the final entry says 'split off', as she has still seen nothing about the sessions despite being my care co-ordinator. There is one thing that really concerns me in the letter "When we came to the end of the three additional meetings following her discharge from hospital..." WHAT??!! I don't recall being in hospital in 2010! I went abroad for 2 weeks but i don't recall any other time away anywhere. I am hoping that this is a mistake on his part & that i haven't blocked something else out. One of the first things to check with M.

I think thats enough for now. I should really be getting myself to the gym. 2 hours worth today. I'm shattered but it still doesn't feel like enough although i am nearly back down to 53kg only 3 more to where i want to be - where i should be. Its been bloody hard work though, even harder when you are mentally exhausted. Ever tried doing a step class with images of the nightmares from the night before flashing before your eyes? Not easy & not easy to hide from those who know you either. B said she could see i was struggling with something & left me alone, probably a good job too as i would have cried i expect. She's the little comfort i get right now, and sometimes i wish she didn't get me that, as i just want more. I want a full blown hug, but instead i leave the gym and some my heart out in my car before driving home. Maybe one day she'll catch me, not that the comfort i crave is going to solve anything & take it away. Plus she has enough going on with her eldest anyway, she doesn't need me & my issues.

Nightmares (gets horror movie style at the end)

I was so pleased to be woken up by mum closing my door to this morning. I felt trapped in the last part of the nightmare. It was as though i was aware of them moving around next door but i couldn't escape the nightmare which was just about to develop into a horror movie.

From when i remember, it started with being on a ship or ferry or some kind of boat, which capsized and sunk with us inside. Must have got out though, not sure how, don't really remember the end of that dream.

Then there was something about going to a theatre with mum. That seemed harmless, nothing nasty there.

The next bit was back to the hospital setting. I seemed to be coming back off leave, except i wasn't allowed to go to my room on my own & was followed by 2 members of staff. My room had be turn upside down by builders but in the process they had broken a chocolate figure i had (something i was keeping as an ornament, not planning on eating) & it was now a headless figure. I started to lose my temper and look round the rest of the room which was filthy. The toilets hadn't been flushed, there had been a rabbit living in the room & there was straw & rabbit poo everywhere. It was a shit hole basically.

I then seemed to be outside the ward & saw a bloke i knew, he was with 3 others getting out of a car & rushing to a house. I stopped one of the other guys & asked him if i could go with them, he told me he didn't think i really wanted to do that. It seemed to dawn on me that they were about to go & section someone. I asked this other guy if i knew him, is said he worked at Goldsmith (which i appeared to know as a secure unit across the other side of the county) but he also said that he met me when i was there. I told him i hadn't been an inpatient there, however he told me other wise. At that point my words were "Oh shit" and i remember thinking "How many other places have i been or been sectioned to and remember nothing about?"



Now comes the horror movie bit



The row of houses that they were going into was an area of supported housing for those with severe learning difficulties. This then changed to one house in the countryside where a mother had got her daughter with Downs Syndrome to lure this young girl to their house with the help of another lad. In the back garden there was a bridge over a large pond, but it seemed to be moving towards us (i seemed to be there just as an observer) & the disabled girl had a large piece of paper which she fed through this machine that was attached to the underside of the bridge. It cut this paper into thinner slices, a bit like a meat slicer. I could see the young lured girl standing in front of his bridge unaware as it was coming towards her, i could see what was going to happen, i felt like i was screaming inside for it to stop & although i'd already imagined what had happened, i didn't see it happen in the dream, which at least felt like it wasn't so real and graphic.

Which was why i sprang out of bed this morning and now an hour later have filled myself with caffeine tablets, painkiller, a light breakfast & am now going to go to the gym and start a 3 hour exercise session. 1000 calories here we come!