I don't know what i'm thinking anymore.

Saw K today & left feeling worse than i did before i went in. I knew i should have left when time was getting tight, although i did still manage to make it to the gym on time for evening classes. Thank goodness i had combat after LBT, i had so much agression to let out, although i didn't manage to make it out of the studio before i started crying.

I also left K with a prescription for Carbamazepine, a low dose & only a 2 week supply. She asked me if i was likely to take the lot & right now i don't see the fucking point in anything, all my head is saying is "why not?"

I wouldn't show her my stomach which is probably the first time i've kept that back from her, but despite needing to stick myself back together with tape at least once a week at the moment, the damage there felt insignificant & i almost felt embarrassed to show her because it was so pathetic. Although i know if i hadn't taped the wounds back closed it would have been a different story & i also know that had i gone to see anyone about them to get treatment it would have been sutures. I;ve just gotten lazy & would rather it take a few more days to heal & stop bleeding completely than go through the effort of suturing right now. I just can't be bothered.

She asked me if i'd seen M & what her thoughts were & how she was. I questioned whether M had called her which i know she has done in the past when she has been concerned, but clearly M isn't that worried as K said she hadn't called. I said M was concerned that my weight was dropping. To which K said "Well you had got a bit chubby" i am now making sure that comment stays lodged in my head, afterall what else could be such great motivation to get me to move my arse at the gym & cut out any unnesseccary food? My BMI is now 20.5, so getting there but the chubby waist & stomach still need work. Why is it you lose weight from certain places first - for me its my chest/breasts and face, never the stomach, hips or thighs.

Starting college, getting this job on wednesday all seem pointless & like no hope. Mum & D go away friday for the weekend, in my head right now this would give me chance to do damage i want without being worried about being found out, i just worry i;m not in control enough not to go too far. I think this week is going to be a little risky, but nothing can go wrong before friday, otherwise mum won't get her weekend away.

I'm not seeing M until next tuesday - thats 7 days. I have 19 classes booked at the gym. Thats 19 hours to get rid of some of this weight, the stress of a meeting about benefits & also the job interview should shed some weight too hopefully.

Right now i want to cause damage, i need to cause damage. I want to give up, i;ve had enough.

But i still can't hurt mum or nan.

BBC: Benefit reforms could 'push thousands into poverty'

From my point of view i disagree with this article. Not because i think the benefits reform is a good & right thing.

But i don't think with me i would/will be pushed into poverty. I must say this is another big reason i am trying to get a job. Instead of being pushed into poverty, if i were forced to get a job and the pressure was on me greatly - that is when i rapidly relapse & fall apart.

I wouldn't be pushed into poverty - i'd be pushed into hospital i think.

Dreaded DWP Medical

So the phone call came today, 6 months after i sent back their medical forms. I thought i'd escaped it, i thought it had been so long that it wasn't going to happen.

But no. In 2 weeks time i have the appointment i dread & fear, even more than seeing Dr L & TP who i refuse to see after last weeks appointment, was going to blog about it but i just can't even talk about it or think about it. Even trying to tell K 2 days later, i couldn't make words into a sentence to tell her what happen, although i had been distracted by something else i had seen on her computer screen about me. And the way i fell apart crying after i saw K means as much as i trust her and respect her, i can no longer see her either. Or in fact go down to the surgery at all, so that means no J, no susie - none of them ever again.

So anyway after i tried to hold it together for a bit and finished carving my little pumpkin, sitting using a knife when i really wanted to do something else with that knife, was all a bit too much. I went upstairs layed on my bed & sobbed for about half an hour. I think in the next 2 weeks there is going to be a lot of that.

I'm shit scared. What do i say? If i'm looking for full time work, then i'm fit to work, although everytime i react to an appointment like this, or even the thought of one in this case, i severly doubt whether this is a good idea. whether any of it is a good idea. I know i can't go on like this. Appointments are too distressing, so carrying on as though i'm fine is the only other option that sees my alive, and we all know where the other option sees me. Plus the hurt the other option will do to my family.

Oh shit, crying again. Can't afford to show mum how bad things are, because then she's really just going to say that getting a job is a bad idea, and i hardly seem to have her support as it is.

Am i fit to work full time? I've applied for jobs that are 30 & 35 hours a week.

The last time i had a DWP medical i was 2 stone lighter than this, so now not only am i applying for jobs to try and get away from this shitty benefits system, but i'm a fat cow too.

I need to stop thinking about this. I know on the day i'll fall apart under the pressure, but does that show i'm not fit to work? does that show i can't cope? What are they going to say to me?

Whats worse as usual is i will be all on my own, in a town i don't really know, an hour from home & then i will be driving down the motorway sobbing as usual, except this time it will take far longer for me to reach the safety of home than it normally would when i'm in that state, because i'm never more than 20 minutes from home.

Benefits Cuts

Its on the news constantly and it's really starting to worry me.

Heard them say on the BBC this morning that if people can work & then turn jobs down they will lose benefits.

This terrifies me. I really want to make sure the job i get is a longer term thing. I down want to be in a situation where the risk of me relapsing again.

I'd like to be able to train & get myself into the emergency services. Its what i've dreamed of since i was 17 and seeing Paramedics on stand by in london & them speeding past on blues.......*sigh*

I've been asking around the EMS bloggers and getting advice, but i still just don't know how to go about it. I just have this horrible feeling that if i ask for help, that people with either laugh or just give me a sad, pittying look because they don't think i will be able to cope mentally or even be considered or accepted onto a training course or a training position because of my mental health history.

I'm stronger than i've ever been & i need that something, that dream to help me stay strong and grow stronger. Neither i or anyone else will know unless i try, and get that chance to try.

Skint

I can't afford to live anymore. Not on the benefits i get. It seems i will have to forget making sure i'm totally healthy and mentally strong enough before i work and just hope for the best. I just have to pray my mental health will hold out and not crash as with every other job or slight pressure its had applied onto it.

The first big problem is What Would I Do??!!

A sales assistant in a shop involves being in front of people for far too long. Being stuck in an office not being about to get up and leave wouldn't work right now. I don't think i'd last to the end of the day without bursting into tears.

Not only that though What do i have the qualifications for?

Answer to that is very little. GCSEs don't get you very far theses days. My work with the horses never involved any formal qualifications so i have nothing to show there, and getting references is not possible. The current course won't gain me much either.

I really don't know what to do.

There is another option.....

Give up. Stop trying.

Its not like i spend a great deal of money anyway, so i don't know why i'm struggling. Petrol, gifts for others & house keeping to mum. I think trying to pay off this debt to mum is probably the big thing. There's £650 left on the spreadsheet. But without dipping into my one and lony savings account which i might have to do anyway soon, i'm just going to keep having to chip away at it slowly. However in August the £100 a month will be starting and added on again.

All this bearing in mind that i receive £300 a month in total. Plus this month the car in due and MOT, it also sounds like it needs a new exhaust (i'm driving round embarrassingly like a 'girl' racer right now), plus there's the insurance (around £400 judging by last year). With £125 left in my bank account right now.

Its just another stress that feels like its about to drive me deeper into depression that i'm fighting to keep out of as it is. It's another vicious circle.

The fact i am struggling financially makes me wonder if i'm doing to much to justify claiming benefits. But what do i feel comfortable doing right now? Going to the gym. Thats is. Thats the only thing. And that was paid for with the remaining money in a savings account that i had transfered the majority out of. I paid a year in full so its not like thats where money is going each month. The increase in petrol prices is bascically what it is. In the last 2 weeks i've spent £75 on petrol. Now i have done 2 long (both about 90 miles each way) drives - one to help at a charity thing (& back) & the yesterday to Nan's (& back).

Other than that i drive to college or the gym. I don't buy new clothes very often at all (last shirt was bought was in the 1st week of April), the only other clothes mum has paid for and again thats not many (one pair of shorts this last week).

As for shoes - the last pair i bought was when we were at Nan's around Christmas time & they were in the sale!!

I have had one expense very recently - a new ipod nano, but i have waited until my 5 year old very heavy & very chunky classic ipod stopped working completely!

Right now I'm sat inside and other than putting my bedding on the line (again being caught out by monthlies meant it had to be done) i have stayed inside despite the very hot sunny weather, hiding and giving myself a head ache with all the things going round in my head.

I think i need to shower & de-sweat but doing the shopping as i promised mum i would (D's meeting me to pay for it at the end), i contemplated the 7 mile walk there but after 2 hard classes (LBT & Step) and in this heat, i think i might for get that, especially as my knees and hips were screaming in pain and have been since tuesday night. I think short runs over the weekend - if any at all.

Day 1 of the Visitors

I was doing fine. I managed to cope at lunch with simply leaving the chips that came with me sandwich and salad, without feeling the need to eat them simply because they were there.

We walked around a town, near a castle - so a little bit of exercise.

But then we got home. I got through the door first and i knew as soon as i saw the envelope, what it would contain. The wonderful stress causing DWP. It seems its time to check whether i'm screwed up enough again.

But i'm fat not a skeleton now, i haven't harmed cut in about a month and i'm going out every day.

Ok, so i'm running myself into the ground until i'm shattered and fall asleep in the afternoons, i'm just as stressed by eating & food as ever. I stick to the same routine, i'm pretty close to breaking point, trying my hardest to hold it together for mum.

However i'm not seeing my GP, avoiding the surgery completely (honestly, i don't need to waste their time - i'm not dying) & haven't seen my ED nurse in about 4 weeks (am too big to really be seeing her anyway, i mean could you really say i have an ED anymore?). I'm avoiding Dr L - not that she's asked to see me. I due to see a psychologist - once i send their stupid form off.

So am i still fucked up enough? Will my mini breakdown last november count? Or do i have to attempt to work before depression and stress really kicks in again, cutting short my brief period of (kind of) stability and then go through their shitty stressful system again, being even more broke than i already am. Without mum & D i could not afford to live, but then without them i wouldn't want to live.

This letter/form feels like the excuse i've been waiting for. I just need to make sure i stay in relative control.

Benefit Busters

I've been watching the series of programmes on Channel 4 recently called "Benefit Busters" and tonight's, the 2nd so far, is based on sickness & disability. Seeing those interviews and assessments just raises my paranoia (which is already raised in all areas eg. being followed, people talking etc. for some reason) that someone is going to come knocking and tell me i'm a fraud and a fake.

I worry people will think,

"She's gained weight, she looks fine, she's even smiling sometimes. There's nothing wrong with her"

I made the effort to get a job (even when i was too unwell to be working and should probably have been hospitalised instead!), surely that shows i'm trying, but even though i've gained the weight i currently have less energy than i did when i was at my lowest weight. Well, maybe its not quite like that but i currently still need an afternoon nap every couple of days, which puts a bit of a barrier to my plans some days.

This is coming out all wrong. What i think i'm trying to say right now is that i'm scared. I don't want things to change right now. This is the most stable i've been, whilst not being a skeleton, since - well since i was first diagnosed with depression aged 14. My fear is that someone looking at me will say i can manage the part time (up to 16 hours), so why don't i try and go full time, that i don't deserve benefits because i can work. Then what? So i try full time work, what if i fall apart? i don't want to lose this job. It means the world to me, its been the best thing that has happened to me for such a long time. I'm terrified that i'll fall apart, end up in hospital (sectioned because thats the only way i'm ever going back to that place, i will never go of my own free will, not even to visit) which would probably mean i would never go back to working where i am now, or even get in touch with my wonderful caring boss ever again.

When things go wrong and i feel i've let people down, i don't feel i can go back and face them again. I've never been back to my school after leaving mid way through the first year of 6th form (although that might be about to change due to meeting someone at work who has just finished 6th form at the same school), i've never been back to the hospital ward that i worked on but had to leave after the car accident (not that they would have let me back to work anyway) and if i see anyone in the street from the past i generally put my head down and walk in the other direction. I don't want this to happen to my current work place. Its not that they don't know about my issues, but they don't know the half of my past and the things i've done. Actually sitting here thinking about it, i'd kind of forgotten about the fact that they don't know the whole me and for the first time i think i've managed to live my life and forget about hiding my past from those around me. Although now i feel like i need to confess to my boss and feel like i'm lying to him.

Perhaps thinking too much at 10pm isn't a good idea.

Hot chocolate and bed (and a couple of sedatives to shut my over working brain down).

What happens next?

So what if these tablets DO make a difference? What then? Will i forget to care about what i look like? or what i weigh? Will it matter my hip bones disappear?

Am i then expected to work full time, get a social life and live "normally"? Do i need to start job hunting now, just incase they start to kick in soon?

Will i no longer be entitled to benefits? Because i'm happy enough to work.

If i get a job what do i do? I have 10 GCSEs, which although are all passes, are no-where near what they should be. I don't have a career in mind and even if i was happier i'm still not sure i would be happy about working around lots of people in retail for instance.

There is a large part of me that is praying they are not going to make a difference, because i'm scared or what i will become. I don't know whats lurking beneath ED, depression and self harm (which has occured more than twice in 48 hours recently) and i'm almost not sure i want to know. What is she's a complete cow? Stuck up, cocky, arogant - a complete bitch. What if she no longer wants to care for the people around her and becomes selfish in a different way?

And if i don't see a difference in the usual 14 days start-up period, how long do i give it? Maybe there'll be a part of me that keeps hoping that maybe the next day, or the day after that, or next week. But i suspect there will be a bigger part of me that says "See? i told you this was a waste of time!"

Feeling a Fraud

I hadn't wanted to start with a post like this but I feel so..... I don't know how to describe it. Low, i guess. We had a guy round this afternoon to see about cavity wall insulation. I don't think it helped that english wasn't his first language but he just made me feel like benefit scrounging scum. Because i claim income support we will get the insulation for free. He didn't bother to think that i may not be working for a reason. He seemed to assume that i just didn't have a job and was looking for work, despite me mentioning i'm starting a part time job tomorrow, which i'm terrified about as it is. If i didn't feel like enough of a fraud already i've just had it confirmed within my mind now for sure! As he left he said (in his poor english) "Go find a job. A good one." i know a lot of it was language issues and i don't think it came across how he meant it to. He didn't say it in a nasty way, but it sure felt that way.