I don't know what i'm thinking anymore.

Saw K today & left feeling worse than i did before i went in. I knew i should have left when time was getting tight, although i did still manage to make it to the gym on time for evening classes. Thank goodness i had combat after LBT, i had so much agression to let out, although i didn't manage to make it out of the studio before i started crying.

I also left K with a prescription for Carbamazepine, a low dose & only a 2 week supply. She asked me if i was likely to take the lot & right now i don't see the fucking point in anything, all my head is saying is "why not?"

I wouldn't show her my stomach which is probably the first time i've kept that back from her, but despite needing to stick myself back together with tape at least once a week at the moment, the damage there felt insignificant & i almost felt embarrassed to show her because it was so pathetic. Although i know if i hadn't taped the wounds back closed it would have been a different story & i also know that had i gone to see anyone about them to get treatment it would have been sutures. I;ve just gotten lazy & would rather it take a few more days to heal & stop bleeding completely than go through the effort of suturing right now. I just can't be bothered.

She asked me if i'd seen M & what her thoughts were & how she was. I questioned whether M had called her which i know she has done in the past when she has been concerned, but clearly M isn't that worried as K said she hadn't called. I said M was concerned that my weight was dropping. To which K said "Well you had got a bit chubby" i am now making sure that comment stays lodged in my head, afterall what else could be such great motivation to get me to move my arse at the gym & cut out any unnesseccary food? My BMI is now 20.5, so getting there but the chubby waist & stomach still need work. Why is it you lose weight from certain places first - for me its my chest/breasts and face, never the stomach, hips or thighs.

Starting college, getting this job on wednesday all seem pointless & like no hope. Mum & D go away friday for the weekend, in my head right now this would give me chance to do damage i want without being worried about being found out, i just worry i;m not in control enough not to go too far. I think this week is going to be a little risky, but nothing can go wrong before friday, otherwise mum won't get her weekend away.

I'm not seeing M until next tuesday - thats 7 days. I have 19 classes booked at the gym. Thats 19 hours to get rid of some of this weight, the stress of a meeting about benefits & also the job interview should shed some weight too hopefully.

Right now i want to cause damage, i need to cause damage. I want to give up, i;ve had enough.

But i still can't hurt mum or nan.

Stumbling Problem

I have a porn problem. A food porn problem. I'm back into the habit of googling & floolwing links to recipes, and saving some of them in my favourites, knowing full well i will probably never make any of them. Although i have gone as far as to buy some of the ingredients for one.

I've been here before. I know the signs, but i don't want to stop them right now. I'm losing weight & i'm happy with that, even if i do feel physically exhausted & crappy, dizzy etc.

The BMI is down to 21 but i still feel big.

M used the word depression on numerous occasions today while i sat the and talked through my tears. I didn't even feel pleased when i saw the number on the scales - not that i didn't know what it was anyway, the weighing at home is daily, if not more right now. I didn't want to go, driving there. I couldn't be bothered to talk to her today. I just wanted to curl up in a ball instead, and after i had taken my shoes off for the scales i sat with my legs tucked up underneath me, closer to that ball shape.

However from talking to M today, i think i will give the meds a try. Or at least i did, yet sitting here now i'd rather just carry on cutting instead. i feel like i would be masking a problem, that people would expect me to be fine once i was on meds. By as M pointed out, trying to think about anything right now is almost pointless as the depression and blackness is just masking every sensible thought.

How am i supposed to make a decision on my future in the next 2 weeks when i can't see past the next week? And i'm not seeing K again until the 8th August anyway. who knows what will happen in the next 3 weeks. Part of me still wishes something will go wrong, either i collapse or harm & make a mistake. i wish it would be all taken out of my control right now, only trouble is if it was, i'm not sure i'd like their plans, especially if involved hospital.

Confidentiality

This meeting is driving me insane. I had a good chat about it with M today. She offered to come to it - if i could get her an invite. But i'm still not sure i want to go myself. If i go i will spend the next 3 weeks stressing with no doubt more nightmares and on the day being the most horrendous person to live with, not want to be near anyone & then fall apart the next day because i will be trying my hardest to keep it together in front of mum & D.

If i don't go, however, i'm worried that things will be said & confidentiality will be broken without my permission. But if i make the decision that i am not going, now, then i won't have to stress for the next 3 weeks. If i don't go, i will find out my rights regarding confidentiality and then if mum & D come back knowing anything they shouldn't, i'll sue their arses off!

But even in the initial meeting back in january things were said that i didn't give them permission to divulge. I'd told Dr L during an appointment with her that Mum, D, Nan & Grandpa were the 4 reasons i was still alive & if they weren't around i really had no other reason. The depression has worn me down & if i hit a low patch & i was on my own then i don't think i'd see a rason to fight. I'm living my life for mum - which has often been said to me. Anyway Dr L came out with this before i could stop her back in january, and i can recall mentioning that i didn't want mum knowing when i was in my appointment with Dr L. So whether i'm there or not i think things will be said that i don't want said.

I think i need to find out my rights somehow, somewhere.




On the stressful/down side & in other news, M is refering me back to London to the ED unit. She she to refer me back to the unit generally so that i can see the dietician there. She thinks the guy there would be really good & might be able to help. My 2000 a day experiment has gained me nothing but 1.2kg in a week. Hippo-ness here i come! I want to just go back to restricting right this instant. But i can't just yet, i have to stick to 1800 to 2000 until i see the dietician, so i can show/prove that something is really wrong. I shouldn't gain on 2000 a day as it is, let alone with the amount of exercising & walking i do. M is baffled, hence the referal to the specialist again. I'm praying he will have an answer or suggestion but i'm dreading having to go to a place where there will be skinny women that will make me feel even more of a fat fraud.

Its hard enough leaving the house & finding clothes to wear that don't cling to me right now. I stood in the health food shop and cried today trying to decide on a snack to help me reach my 1800 target. It took me 10-15 mins in that shop to buy a simple Eat Natural bar. Its OK going to the gym because there are other people trying to fight the flab and it shows i'm trying my hardest to do something about it. No-one outsie the ED world really understands though. Afterall my BMI is 23.9 & still within the healthy range, so what am i so upset about? Only M truely knows what this is doing to me mentally. With the other issues too, i cried for about 75% of our hour & a half appointment today.

I am starting to think that unless i give in to the weight gain, i will have to live the rest of my life hungry.

Knee Deep

As i sat in a cafe today, after 2 hours of gym classes, i realised as i cried & drank my diet coke, just how deep i am back into the world of anorexia.

I keep telling myself i can't possibly be the A word, due to my size & weight (spare me the lectures i know the criteria for EDs) and that i am simply on a diet - like every other woman at the gym.

But sitting, crying because i can't order more than a diet coke, despite having giving output at the gym worth around 1000 calories (2 high impact classes on a friday morning, which i was complimented on during the 1st and 2nd for my "form" and effort) kind of says it all really. I couldn't even bring myself to ask what their special salad was - having discounted the goats cheese salad (too high calorie - even though i adore goats cheese) and the ham salad (haven't eaten meat since the ED started in 2006).

K says that it is better than ways i could be dealing with stuff right now. She almost praised me on the phone the other day for holding it together. But is dropping a fair amount of weight in a couple of weeks holding it together? From a BMI of 24.2, to 22.2?

Maybe it is better than crashing my car, ending up with a Hb of 4.3 or an OD resulting in seizures. It doesn't seem to get across whats going on in my head. But i'm too scared of hurting the little family i have, which is why i have to stay in control enough that i know what i'm doing, which means coping in my own way. I'm still a long way off underweight, so i just cope my body can continue, after all it has enough body fat to keep it going!

Christmas Eve

Oh it started well today. within 30 minutes i was crying due to the fact that more little presents had appeared under the tree, and having said we weren't going to do little presents and just do the main gift of money, minus the ones for my grandparents, there are 9 and also some little things that are in the tree from me.

The tears were a mixture of:

• I've only got stupid little things like seed matches, key covers, socks etc
• almost all of the other present are from mum which means there is very little for her under the tree.
• Huge feelings of guilt
• general random bursting into tears at the slightest little thing (my must annoying depression symptom, highly inconvenient & embarrassing at times)
• fear of the opening the presents, and looking like an ungrateful bitch as usual.

This then lead to a conversation with mum and her trying to reassure me that she didn't want presents from me, she just wanted me.

"I'll wrap myself up in a large bow then shall i?"

I highly doubt that I, myself will be enough, because as i said the other day, whatever i do I'm going to hurt her whatever i do.

I've accepted the fact, no matter how much i dislike it, that if i were to leave this earth prematurely of my own accord, that i would hurt my 4 people indefinitely. I was thinking about J and K, and what their reaction would be, last night. But i know that i need to get it into my head that to them i am just another patient.

Yesterday after a reasonable day of eating fruit, dutch crisp bakes & 8 roasted chestnuts (and if I'm being honest a few handfuls of fruit and fibre), i then decided to join mum & D with a dinner of a very (overly) cheesy (full fat cheddar) Cullen Skink (smoked fish, potatoes & leeks in a cheesy sauce). I didn't have much potato, maybe a couple of egg sized bits, but it was really yummy. Fruit for pudding, however then later 1 chocolate for a treat turned swiftly into 3...... and due to the feelings in my stomach later on, i may have added a little too much Baileys to my horlicks. Unlike adding it to a hot chocolate, where it gives it a nice kick, it just swamped the malt flavour.

The next question is what to have for breakfast & do i make an effort to try and get the the gym one final time before 3 days with the grandparents (who like to try and start feeding you up as though they are planning on serving you for next Christmas, or look like you haven't eaten for months, which these days with a BMI of about 22 I really do not.

Since this time last year I've gone up about 10 points on the BMI system...... Something to be proud of? Terrifying? Depressing? Or all of the above? Well maybe the last 2 of the 3.

Oh and by the way did Father Christmas come early for anyone else? There's a present that's appeared under the tree overnight and the label says its from 'Father Christmas'. You know its funny how his writing is identical to that of the Tooth Fairy! I guess they share the same secretary being very busy and all that!

Wake Up and Get Moving!!!!

Thats it. I really have had enough this time. My weight and BMI have increased yet again and shows no signs of stopping, i've reached a BMI of 22.7 and am now more than a stone heavier than i was before anorexia took hold. Once again the weigh in caused tears.

I'm now napping morning and afternoon and sleeping almost 10 hours at night. M said i was just like her cat, sleeping 50% of the day!

I have a phone consultation booked with K because its impossible to get an appointment and i'm going to tell her that i want to (and am going to) stop taking the clomipramine. And that i'm going to take the risk with my mood.

Then maybe i will get my backside down to the gym and then hopefully that will make a difference, but if not i guess its time to look at my diet and see where i'm going wrong there.

Oh, there was one more thing. The joys of being female have struck - yes, my period started and after an absence of 3 and a half years. I never did cope well with it before, but this first one has been more of a mental struggle.

All of that and one of my old CPNs (who i got on well with and kind of miss) telling me i looked "good" when she passed me today has left me with more tears and upset that i've felt for a while, but then recently i guess by trying to stay awake i've not had time to stop and cry. My head is reeling right now and it feels like its almost time for the afternoon nap, as my head also hurts and my eyes are closing. I need to make it down the road to the post box first and do a bit of online shopping for a very poorly little girl (no, i don't mean me!).

Back to the old routine?

I got on the scales this morning to see how my new "diet" had affected things, can you believe i almost forgot to do it! In 10 days i've gained 10lb. Thats a pound a day!! I think thats a little too fast. Things have got to change. Either i do a heck of a lot more exercise, or i cut back on the food. I think the food is more the issue, i need to somehow gain more control.

But i'm running out of ideas. I've tried going with cereals and wholegrain stuff as is suggested with the GI index. I've tried dried fruit to fill me but it just takes at least 250g of the stuff to do so and i know thats healthier but its still so high in calories (ok i know thats not a bad thing but i think anorexia is fighting back here).

My current weight puts my BMI at 14.4 which is almost reassuring to my anorexic side but then that also sets off thoughts in my brain that say its still ok to eat more, but then anorexia bites back and pulls me back into line.

I really can't deal with whats going on in my head. I cried myself to sleep last night as i lay there with thoughts of self harm that were so distressing, and the thing is i'm scared i'm going to carry them out before long through sheer desperation at trying to handle the conflict in my head.

hopefully we'll go for a bike ride this morning, maybe that will clear my head and my conscience a bit. All i've got to do is make sure that if i work up an appetite that i keep in under control. Fingers crossed, and maybe my incredibly sore throat will help althought it didn't stop me last night!

Which Outcome am i waiting for?

There are 3 ways this could stop going downhill.

1 - I find a reason to actively live for rather than just survive for my family, and start eating more.

2 - I collapse and they cart me off to hospital, and i start eating because either i'm made to or i give up fighting the part of me that has the compulsion to restrict and take it as a way out/excuse.

or

3 - I collapse, but i don't recover... I don't survive... And it is my way out of this misery but will sadly cause much heartbreak to others in the process.



I don't know which out come i want anymore. The first just doesn't seem possible. I've lived with depression and all thats come with it for almost half of my life and i don't see anything else. I can't imagine a 'normal' life, one that includes a stable job, a social life, friends, interests etc. The second option seems more likely and in some ways is what i'd like to happen but i don't expect it would run as smoothly as that. I don't expect that if the control of what i ate was taken away from me, that i would take it lightly or as easily as in my little fantasy world.

Then to the 3rd option...... Is this the reason i continue to lose weight? Is this what i'm hoping for? I know i've stopped myself from the final curtain in the past, but somehow if an external or indirect factor were to be the cause I feel like i'd be less to blame. If an infection or virus were to take me, it would be as much my fault. I'm running out of reasons for living.

I don't know what my brain is thinking or really wanting anymore.

My BMI is now 12.6 I've typed it in the same colour as the background as i know numbers and figures can be upsetting to some. Hopefully that should work.

Mum asked me if i wanted to meet her for lunch today. I desperately wanted to be able to say yes but the food fear factor of where we'd be going was just too much. Yet if we were out and mum said "We're going here for lunch" i know i'd just get on with it, even if the restrictions were greater later on during the day. I tried to explain this to her, but i don't think what i was really trying to say was understood.

Time to run away and disappear into a crowd for a bit, not that seems possible as i stick out like a sore thumb - or rather an injured stick insect.....