My GP finally convinced me to try again.

Another anti depressant to add to the list. A Tricylic this time. Can't recall what its called off the top of my head, i'm just trying to get my head round the fact that i've finally given in to taking medication again. After about 3 months of putting it off, saying i'll think about it over and over again.

I've tried my fair share of them in the last ten years, and have had to deal with almost as many side effects. I think the memories of the heightened anxiety and suicidal feelings which i recalled and shared with my GP tonight, are a lot to do with my avoidance of more drugs over the past few months. That coupled with the fear that i will start to feel better, eat more normally and gain weight were very good reasons in my eyes not to go down that road again.

At this point my GP asked me "Why don't you feel you deserve to get better?"

The floods gates had been opened, as i confessed to the selfish reality that without depression, or mental health issues i don't really feel i have an identity. A social worker once warned me about becoming a 'professional' mental health patient. I always assumed she meant someone being an inpatient constantly, but i guess now i'm realising that you don't have to be an inpatient to be a mental health patient. I opened my (pathetically weak) soul, revealing by desire to be set free from this world. Confessing the facts that i feel there are 4 reasons that i'm alive; Mum, Nan, My step-dad and grandfather. None of them will live forever, my grandparents are in their 80's, my step dad's health conditions means he has a shorter life expectancy and mum isn't superwoman. I feel like i'm living for the day when they are all gone, so that i can "be set free", my GP finished the sentence for me over my tears.

Maybe she could see i was close to the edge..... Maybe she knew, as she pulled my chair round so i could lean on the desk to fill in the depression questionaire, that if she pushed me that one final time that I'd give in and agree to trying some kind of medication.

All i can remember right now is that it begins with L, ends in 'mil' and its brand name begins with G. I feel so deflated right now i can't be bothered to go upstairs, even though ED is saying i should just to get a bit more exercise and burn a few more calories. Exercise, thats something else my GP wants me to get a bit more of, and think about some voluntary work. Voluntary Work - another opportunity to let people down for me then.

I really didn't see the point in doing the questionaire and unsuprisingly the questionaire concluded with a result of "severe depression", which i think gave my GP the reason for the final push with suggesting medication. So for the next 4 weeks i shall be reminding myself each night to pop a pill before bed.

My final thought and question for tonight is whether i tell mum straight away or not. Or do i wait until she notices a difference? (if if course she does) It may not make any difference at all, in which case if i don't continue with the meds, is there any point in worrying her or for that matter getting her hopes up that it may help?

And now i feel so pathetically weak for giving in. It makes me want to restrict and punish even more. Back to the routine of picking up meds weekly, just when i'd managed to stop 'living' at the doctors surgery......