No excuses

Theere are no excuses for my abscence.

I just haven't felt like blogging.

There still been plenty going on. Maybe there's been too much going on. I don't do very well with time management; My room is a tip, I haven't completed the extra bits on the volunteer project i've been doing, I haven't started the college (yes i'm attempting to study again)assignment i got monday (its now Friday), I'm trying to get fundraising bits sorted for my run (paper forms & cards with online sponsor page, just a T-shirts & the emailing round/publicity to do) - oh & i'm still trying to lose all the weight i gained over Christmas. Probably about half a stone, but its not just over eating at christmas, its huge lack of exercise due to illness too. So that flat tummy i worked so hard to gain has gone. But i need to be thinking about running really as i am extremely behind with training. So for now it will be running 4 days a week, yoga/pilates etc 4 times a week, a couple of my beloved classes on a sunday (although one of them is one of those 4 yogaish ones) and fridays i may do a weights class but taking it gently.
Except for half term & tutorial weeks when i get the chance to do classes with instructors i really miss doing classes with.

That kind of brings me onto why i've returned. The nightmare last night was that mixture of painful upsetting because it was comfort that i know will never happen & very distressing because it was dragging up some of the worst of the past. I can't recal the order of events but it included all of these points:

• M, an instructor i miss doing classes with rescuing me when my car broke down & i was very distressed & taking me back to her place


• Where my psych called me and told me i was going to be sectioned (It was my first adult services psych who couldn't really speak english & grabbed my arm & pushed up my sleeve to see my scars - funnily enough i always hated him) when i asked why it was due the arm band marks that mum had seen on my tummy - which apparently made me a danger to myself (WTF goes on in my head while i'm asleep?!)


• I told M it would be fine as i hadn't been harming, so i'd go but they had no grounds to section me.


• Except they did. horrible psych was there with another of my current instructors R who was trying to get him to see the benefits of the classes while he just said it was me damaging myself. There was another bloke in the room i was in too & i can't recall what but he doesn't have a positive feel attached to him - quite the opposite.


• Somewhere along the lines i was talking to someone at a yard who was telling me she had met me before when i'd had a car accident with a horse box, but i was sure that i had only had one serious incident which didn't involve anyone else (which is true). I felt all confused in the dream but kind of confused when i woke up too. Its like the dream was becoming reality and i couldn't separate the 2.


• There was something else too about getting ready for a party & getting the theme wrong & then we were at this restaurant & someone dropped the game of battleships & mum & i were trying to find all the little pieces. All though there were no familiar faces other than mum, it still didn't feel like a happy dream. like there was something underlying which still makes me want to wake up & cry.

Which is pretty much what i did - well on the car on the way here, to college. Is it a bit risky blogging from college? That does seem to be a big theme with me right now - Apathy. I couldn't give a shit about anything. Its taken me a month to start stressing about the weight gain - stressing to the point of harming at least and even then i couldn't be bothered to do that damage i felt i wanted too.

Anyway in 7 minutes i need to be in class where we are giving indvidual presentation - just what i need!

I don't know what i'm thinking anymore.

Saw K today & left feeling worse than i did before i went in. I knew i should have left when time was getting tight, although i did still manage to make it to the gym on time for evening classes. Thank goodness i had combat after LBT, i had so much agression to let out, although i didn't manage to make it out of the studio before i started crying.

I also left K with a prescription for Carbamazepine, a low dose & only a 2 week supply. She asked me if i was likely to take the lot & right now i don't see the fucking point in anything, all my head is saying is "why not?"

I wouldn't show her my stomach which is probably the first time i've kept that back from her, but despite needing to stick myself back together with tape at least once a week at the moment, the damage there felt insignificant & i almost felt embarrassed to show her because it was so pathetic. Although i know if i hadn't taped the wounds back closed it would have been a different story & i also know that had i gone to see anyone about them to get treatment it would have been sutures. I;ve just gotten lazy & would rather it take a few more days to heal & stop bleeding completely than go through the effort of suturing right now. I just can't be bothered.

She asked me if i'd seen M & what her thoughts were & how she was. I questioned whether M had called her which i know she has done in the past when she has been concerned, but clearly M isn't that worried as K said she hadn't called. I said M was concerned that my weight was dropping. To which K said "Well you had got a bit chubby" i am now making sure that comment stays lodged in my head, afterall what else could be such great motivation to get me to move my arse at the gym & cut out any unnesseccary food? My BMI is now 20.5, so getting there but the chubby waist & stomach still need work. Why is it you lose weight from certain places first - for me its my chest/breasts and face, never the stomach, hips or thighs.

Starting college, getting this job on wednesday all seem pointless & like no hope. Mum & D go away friday for the weekend, in my head right now this would give me chance to do damage i want without being worried about being found out, i just worry i;m not in control enough not to go too far. I think this week is going to be a little risky, but nothing can go wrong before friday, otherwise mum won't get her weekend away.

I'm not seeing M until next tuesday - thats 7 days. I have 19 classes booked at the gym. Thats 19 hours to get rid of some of this weight, the stress of a meeting about benefits & also the job interview should shed some weight too hopefully.

Right now i want to cause damage, i need to cause damage. I want to give up, i;ve had enough.

But i still can't hurt mum or nan.

Exercise overload

I've just booked a few (for few, read 5) classes at the gym for a week tomorrow. I had a count up my planner at the same time. I have 17 hours of classes booked in the next 7 days. Its got a bit out of control. The caffeine addiction will well and truely set in by the end of this week, if it isn't already.

That 17 hours doesn't include 4 hours of volunteering with horses, a rare night out on friday with gym buddies, walking into town (staying there to save petrol between gym & volunteering) to go to the bank & PO or helping a gym buddy out for about 3 hours with a project.

The thing is my body just keeps going, i never collapse with exhaustion, despite a restricted calorie diet. WTF is wrong with me?

I know 1 thing that is - my knuckles are still broken.... every so often i try & grip something and i can feel it. I can feel the lumps on the back of my hand & knuckles too. Mum grabbed my hand today while we were messing around & ouch, yes there is certainly a problem. However i can use it enough for the gym though so thats ok!

Time to resurface

It's time to resurrect Susie. I disappeared not because i wanted to to but because i screwed up. I managed to send an email to my whole personal address book but from my blog account. I am praying very hard that no-one then googled the name & blog and that if they have, they respect my privacy enough to not read it when i release the gag on Susie Belle - or at least even if they do read & know my true identity that they keep very very quiet about it & bascially pretend they have never even read it! Even when speaking to me, if i thought i was speaking to someone who knew my inner thoughts i really do think i would be tipped over the edge.

That's partly why Susie is coming out of hiding because there is too much going around in my head & i have nowhere to put that stuff. I can't tell people whats really going on, I'm ashamed of what goes around in my head & i'm terrified of what people will think of me. There is, however, still that part of me that wants to show people i'm really struggling. Its that part of me that wants to self destruct, cause damage to the point where i need physical help to cope with the injury i've caused. I could go to someone for sutures yet still i don't. That isn't severe enough to warrant outside help, i can deal with that myself. The chemical burn issue is still in my head but all that happened last time was i ended up making 30 mile round trips to a plastic surgery unit & wasting petrol & i have barely enough money for petrol as it is right now. Plus i can't be bothered with the hassle of extra appointments. I seem to have enough of those right now. I'm sure i'll get to the point where i lose control enough & dissociate from my actions to the point where i need help eventually. I normally do when i feel things building like this.

I requested my notes from the sessions with TP a while back & i got them last week. The only real information i got was a summary letter from TP to Dr L, which was actually quite enlightening & kind of changed my opinion of him, or at least made me see him in a slightly different light. However of course this has then been playing on my mind, to the point that he appeared in my nightmare the other night. It was as though i was watching from above.

I was in his office & he was asking me to redo a computing profiling assessment. He was calm, kind, almost affectionate, telling me that he would know if i had lied in my answers. He then left the room, saying he needed to get something from the secretary. After he left the background voice (my own voice) started on about the fact that someone was watching me. I got up looked around the room, checking for cameras trying to reassure myself that i was being paranoid. However i didn't spot the pinhole camera which was feeding ack to TP outside. The background voice kept on and i lost my temper, grabbing a letter opener on TP's desk and started stabbing my thigh. TP ran in & tried to restrain me, yet i was as though i didn't see him there, like i was no longer in control of my actions. He tried to get me to focus on him but it was like he didn't exist & i just kept fighting. Other staff members soon followed and assisted in the restraint.

It has left me slightly confused. Did i make a mistake in not going to the last session? Should i have tried harder? But think about how i felt after each session. I needed sutures after each one and the nightmare has caused the same problem. In one of the final sessions i dissociated and recall little of the session, other than a dog barking & his next patient arriving (except i thought we were at the beginning & he had doubled booked). I'm going to show M the letter & brief attendance details, where the final entry says 'split off', as she has still seen nothing about the sessions despite being my care co-ordinator. There is one thing that really concerns me in the letter "When we came to the end of the three additional meetings following her discharge from hospital..." WHAT??!! I don't recall being in hospital in 2010! I went abroad for 2 weeks but i don't recall any other time away anywhere. I am hoping that this is a mistake on his part & that i haven't blocked something else out. One of the first things to check with M.

I think thats enough for now. I should really be getting myself to the gym. 2 hours worth today. I'm shattered but it still doesn't feel like enough although i am nearly back down to 53kg only 3 more to where i want to be - where i should be. Its been bloody hard work though, even harder when you are mentally exhausted. Ever tried doing a step class with images of the nightmares from the night before flashing before your eyes? Not easy & not easy to hide from those who know you either. B said she could see i was struggling with something & left me alone, probably a good job too as i would have cried i expect. She's the little comfort i get right now, and sometimes i wish she didn't get me that, as i just want more. I want a full blown hug, but instead i leave the gym and some my heart out in my car before driving home. Maybe one day she'll catch me, not that the comfort i crave is going to solve anything & take it away. Plus she has enough going on with her eldest anyway, she doesn't need me & my issues.

Eating Disorder? Nah i'm not losing weight! (calorie details warning)

Yesterday was the London ED Unit appointment. Had to be there for 1pm so yesterday morning i got up, went for a 2 mile run and then left on my 2 hour journey (30 minute drive, 1 hour tube, 30 minute walk). Should have worn my HRM on my journey to see hour my very brisk power walking improved calorie burning. But i didn't so when i go back to the town where the car was i went the gym & did 45 minutes of weights & abs.

So do i have an Eating Disorder? well she didn't really say yesterday, although she didn't fob me off. My description of my diet & a 2-3 mile a day seemed to be enough. I failed to mention the hour in the gym that i also do 5 days a week.

I wonder what she would have thought of today. I want to tell someone because i feel so so proud, but then i also know its not something everyone would understand. I'm not even sure M would be on my side with this one. What i do know is i love my heart rate monitor!

So today's activities:

• at the gym for 8.10am, dump stuff in locker, change shoes
• 5 min walk warm up, Training of Run 15 mins, walk 5, run 15. During the training time i managed to cover 3.3 miles all good progress. 5 min walk cool down. (HRM: 405)
  
• The back to changing rooms, change shoes, have cereal bar, refill water bottle and go to first class.
• LBT class 50 mins (HRM: 317)
• Step class straight after (HRM: 423)

I left the gym on a complete high, no pain from injury & i felt alive. I think a great new step routine helped there. After than i had bits to do at home, mum was home off work, she's still not right after the car accident. Lots of washing (hmmm, some of which is still in the tumble drier....) and then off to teach someone about computers & the internet. So not overly active this afternoon but after burning over 1100 this morning i don't think i needed to be jumping up and down all the time.

As for the eating side, if i don't know exact calorie details i always make sure i over-estimate, so according to the food diary the final total with be 1300 by the time i go to bed.

Now if that regime doesn't lose me this spare tyre goodness knows what will. I know today was more extreme than normal, i mean calorie intake is normally around that, although we are going out for dinner tomorrow night so i'd better behave during the morning and at lunch! But exercise sessions normally total about 400 right now, although as running times increase that will too i guess.

But if i feel that good after 3 hours on a friday morning, i don't care. Makes me sad to think that as soon as i get a job i'll lose that. Guess it will just mean very early runs and evening classes to get the work done.

Eating Out & Distraction

Its mum & D's anniversary today & mum wouldn't shut up about me not going out to dinner with them. So to keep her quiet (as usual) i relented and went. Now i severely wish i hadn't.

It started fine, but then D ordered a started and expected me to share it. It was 5 chunks of bread with oil, vinegar and salt for dipping. I said i didn't want a started but he kept offering it to me. I hate myself for it but i gave in. I only had the equivelent to about a large slice of bread, a bit of the vinegar and some salt. So i'd safe certainly no more than 200 kcal tops.

As a main i'd order a starter portion anyway, but as i was eating in all i could think was "the fat in this goats cheese" & "the oil in these dressings". Plus the rectangle of polenta had been fried, shallow not deep i think, but still greasy. And the veg had been oiled before roasting too. Why can't people cook anything without oil thesedays?

Then what really got me all over the place, was i saw Susie. Thankfully she was there with friends who weren't work collegues, so there wasn't anyone else who might have recognised me. My intention was to order a starter and then maybe have pudding later. But as soon as i saw her I didn't want to eat another thing. I felt so self conscious. Part of me wanted her to see me in heels, tight jeans and a lowish cut top rather than the state she normally sees me in when i need to see her. But all of a sudden i just wanted to get out of there. I didn't want pudding & luckily there wasn't anything i really fancied, but i didn't want to sit and linger like mum & D were either.

I was so distracted after i'm seen her. I don't know why. She knows me well, we get on, i trust her - she's totally lovely. So why did i freak out?

Food should have been too much of a worry. So far i'd had junst under 1000 kcal, so still had about the same again to go. Plus i'd been for a run before lunch which including the warm up & cool down too burnt 370 kcal according to my HRM. So even after the bread i still had 800 at least to go. Yet i couldn't eat anything more after my starter - which was my main course and i still can't now i'm home.

I don't want to eat out again. The way i felt after, the stress..... I came home and immediately changed into my PJs, i wiped the mascara, a rare bit of make-up, that i had applied. I needed to be be back in something where i couldn't feel the waistband digging into the flabby tyre around my waist and making the scars on my stomach so irritated that i just want to scratch and scratch. I didn't want to be in my own body or skin really.

I need to lose the tyre, yet still can't seem to. Powerplate, weights, running - nothing is working. I've given up on the metabolism-boosting-normal-amount-of-calories eating, and it's back to under 1200 if i can but certainly under 1500. Only 5 days until the london ED clinic now, hoping i get to seen the dietician on that day too.


Focusing on one thing really is an issue right now - 2 hours after starting this post i'm going to actually hit "publish post".

"Raised Gluc"

On further inspection, during a calmer moment, i saw the comment on the blood form for the fasting test said

"Raised Gluc"

I've racked my brains trying to remember my order of events for that day. I saw J at 11am but before that i went for a run.

According to my running stats, i went for a 20 min run at 9.25am. So i wouldn't have got home until 10am which means by the time i'd had a shower, got dressed and dried my hair i wouldn't have had time to sit down and eat.

My food diary shows breakfast finishing with a Jordan bar which is my pre run carbs. then next thing in the food diary is a banana, which i either had after getting back from J, and i think this is more likely having just had bloods taken too.

So if my glucose was still high after a run - something is certainly wrong.

Its not all in my head

Postman's just been. Including a letter from J.

She wants me to have a fasting blood test, which means the normal blood test picked something up. I've never had to have a fasting blood test before. I wish i knew why she wanted me to have it. But i will have to wait 36 hours before i can either call or go to the surgery to find out.

I think i'd rather hear it from J than a receptionist.

part of me is concerned something is very wrong. Another part of me is releived that there may be a reason & an answer, & that its not just a case of me trying to get used to extra weight which is very unwelcome weight.

Have to wait until monday for the blood test too as the phlebotomy centre is only open monday to friday, but i shall be up there first thing as i want to get the results back as soon as i can.

I'm not sure how i feel now. not sure whether the relief or worry is stronger.

Brain Swimming now Sinking

Bloods taken, results in a week.

Physio referal, wait and see.

Run though pain, just keep going. Must keep training.

Ice x3 daily, reduce inflamation which J confirmed.

Detail everything that passes my lips.

Detail all exercise.

Lose the extra weight - about 14lb/7kg.

Referal to London, hope it comes soon.

Appointment with TP & Dr L, dreading the looming nightmare situation.

Appointment with M tomorrow.

Hair appointment friday - DO NOT let mum pay!

Drop mum & D to airport early Saturday, go to D's work Saturday morning.

Survive 3 and a half days completely alone.

Get head around new staff at the surgery - a job that could have been mine if i hadn't got too close to the place. More new people who don't know or understand. Who's leaving to make room? Who am i going to have to get over leaving now?

Can i handle going to that place to see K anymore?

Keep up the volunteering.

Get a Job.

Keep the job.

Get some qualifications.

Earn some money.

Pay off debts.

Stay in control.

Stop crying.


GET A FUCKING GRIP!

Confidentiality

This meeting is driving me insane. I had a good chat about it with M today. She offered to come to it - if i could get her an invite. But i'm still not sure i want to go myself. If i go i will spend the next 3 weeks stressing with no doubt more nightmares and on the day being the most horrendous person to live with, not want to be near anyone & then fall apart the next day because i will be trying my hardest to keep it together in front of mum & D.

If i don't go, however, i'm worried that things will be said & confidentiality will be broken without my permission. But if i make the decision that i am not going, now, then i won't have to stress for the next 3 weeks. If i don't go, i will find out my rights regarding confidentiality and then if mum & D come back knowing anything they shouldn't, i'll sue their arses off!

But even in the initial meeting back in january things were said that i didn't give them permission to divulge. I'd told Dr L during an appointment with her that Mum, D, Nan & Grandpa were the 4 reasons i was still alive & if they weren't around i really had no other reason. The depression has worn me down & if i hit a low patch & i was on my own then i don't think i'd see a rason to fight. I'm living my life for mum - which has often been said to me. Anyway Dr L came out with this before i could stop her back in january, and i can recall mentioning that i didn't want mum knowing when i was in my appointment with Dr L. So whether i'm there or not i think things will be said that i don't want said.

I think i need to find out my rights somehow, somewhere.




On the stressful/down side & in other news, M is refering me back to London to the ED unit. She she to refer me back to the unit generally so that i can see the dietician there. She thinks the guy there would be really good & might be able to help. My 2000 a day experiment has gained me nothing but 1.2kg in a week. Hippo-ness here i come! I want to just go back to restricting right this instant. But i can't just yet, i have to stick to 1800 to 2000 until i see the dietician, so i can show/prove that something is really wrong. I shouldn't gain on 2000 a day as it is, let alone with the amount of exercising & walking i do. M is baffled, hence the referal to the specialist again. I'm praying he will have an answer or suggestion but i'm dreading having to go to a place where there will be skinny women that will make me feel even more of a fat fraud.

Its hard enough leaving the house & finding clothes to wear that don't cling to me right now. I stood in the health food shop and cried today trying to decide on a snack to help me reach my 1800 target. It took me 10-15 mins in that shop to buy a simple Eat Natural bar. Its OK going to the gym because there are other people trying to fight the flab and it shows i'm trying my hardest to do something about it. No-one outsie the ED world really understands though. Afterall my BMI is 23.9 & still within the healthy range, so what am i so upset about? Only M truely knows what this is doing to me mentally. With the other issues too, i cried for about 75% of our hour & a half appointment today.

I am starting to think that unless i give in to the weight gain, i will have to live the rest of my life hungry.

2000 a day

...is bloody hard work!!

maybe its because i generally eat low fat/calories products but i just feel like i'm eating constantly.

Although i think i'd rather it this way than eating something high calorie, reaching my goal & then still feeling hungry. At least this way i am certainly not hungry. I am going to have a bit of a protein boost too. Tins of tuna, low fat yogurts and tomorrow i'm going to pick up some rice pudding pots - i could eat them constantly, and now i'm not restricting i can! I just hope this pays off and boosts my metabolism for the weight loss. Right now i'm just fat and bloated. Well certainly bloated because i'm only used to eating half this amount!

i might leave weighing until i see M, and tell her of my experiment after i've been on the scales so i know what the effect has been first.

I've run 20 mins for the last 2 days. lots of pain in the leg though. But i managed a 45 minute class tonight. Another gym class tomorrow and 2 on friday. Energetic volunteering on Thursday, which includes lots of walking and a bit of running - must wear a pedometer this week! If i can i'll run thursday afternoon too.

However my leg hurts just sitting here now. Time for a bit of elevation.

Breaking out

I'm going to try & set myself a challenge for the next 5 days, although to get results it would probably take longer than that.......

Anyway, i need to get my body out of starvation mode. I'm going to try and eat 2000 calories a day. Doing at least 4 hour long classes plus a very active thursday morning volunteering & an extra bits like hopefully more 20 minute runs (at least 3 a week) and eating a diet/weight loss level of calories is proving totally futile & getting very frustrating plus thats with a supposed weight loss suppliment too!

Something needs to change. I haven't had bloods done for a while but when they were checked previously in this situation, came back normal. so its not a thyroid issue. So all i can think it my body has slipped into starvation mode.

eating normal amount at my grandparents where there are sweets, treats & plenty of stress happens with reat ease & i probably go over that 2000. But back home i'm finding it hard to fight those doubting demons what ask:

"do you really need that?!"

Its 6pm & by my food diary i think i'm about at 1150. But that has taken topping up with low cal hot chocs, so i'm learning to add up by 40's!!

If i pile on the pounds, the experiment will end and other suppliments will be tried - i have a sports one in mind. but if things remain the same, i'll try and keep going.

It seems crazy, eating more in order to lose weight!!

fancy dress

I won't need to find a fancy dress costume for the marathon - As i will look enough like a f***ing Hippopotamus as it is!

Sorry, I'm cross. Cross with myself, and my lack of ability to remain in control of my disgustingly high food intake today. There are 2 reasons, firstly is that i eat more on the weekends anyway, due to rising stress, lack of gym routine and my mum & D being around all the time. Today though, came the extra appetite increase, in the form of my period. It seems that the pain, discomfort and fatigue from the start of that, doubly raise my appetite.

Cravings for chocolate have been high. But with a lack of real chocolate in the house means a couple of chocolate icecreams (100 calories each), low cal hot chocolates (and suprisingly not so many of them and mini chocolate bars (actually meant to be Hypo cures for step dad) - but only one of them eaten so far. However mum and D are both now out of the way (in other rooms) for a bit and the cravings remain.

I've reached the point where i don't really care (found another rarity - biscuits. couple of hotel twin packs left over from the recent holiday) I've eaten more bread and cheese during lunch than i should, more pasta salad and mozarella, tomato & basil salad (3 slices of each) than i should have. I had a banana on bread for breakfast (after the pre breakfast mandarins) which was totally wrong. I feel like i've come this far, i may as well carry on.

All those feelings despite the fact that i know i have a weigh in with M tomorrow at 2pm.

I told myself i was going to get back to the gym and get rid of the holiday weight gain, and that didn't exactly happen very well - although the caffeine/aspartame withdrawl where i went cold turkey from diet coke after we came home, didn't help my energy levels - in fact i slept every afternoon due to major headaches/migraines. But this week i will work hard, but i also need to restart the marathon training, with serious intent. I need to get the balance between not exhausing myself so i can't complete my training plan but also working off this excess weight. I have heard others say that when they haven't been able to lose weight even when going to the gym, that running had shed the pounds, so i had better get pounding those streets (and the treadmill) and stop eating all this crap too!



I have a dream from last night that has been lingering in my mind all day. I just keep getting flashes of it. Something about me being ill and being on a school trip, except i couldn't go with them and to stay in the sick bay instead. But i was quite seriously ill, it was almost as though i lost consciousness and when i came round in the sick bay it was the next day. Maybe there's another part to it that i'm not remembering clearly but i can't shift it from my mind. Something's haunting me thats for sure.

Closed Doors

If a door is closed, do you:

a) walk past a wait for the person to come of of the room
b) knock and wait for a reply
c) knock and barge straight in
or d) barge straight in.


I'm sure you can guess which option my mother chose this morning at 7.45am. what has particularly caused the stress though is i was semi-clad (nickers only) standing on the scales. The fact that i was on the scales is not such a problem, but how much of my stomach she saw........

Well i'm praying not very much as I had a lot of my back to her. Fortunately i had a small-as-possible (for the size of the wound) waterproof plaster (so transparent edging) over the latest sutures, but she doesn't know about any of the other recent scars from sutures and she still hasn't seen the burn scar from october last year.

I haven't crossed her path again yet, and am currently downstairs trying not to eat a whole packet of cereal bars (145 calories a bar) and anything else. I think my weight is up from yesterday (don't know, didn't trust mum not to barge in again after earlier) after a horrible day of eating, even though it was just under the RDA for calories, it still feels like a binge. And to make matters worse we're going out to Sunday lunch today because of a meeting D's going to which is about 40 mins from home. I know i don't have to go, but it just causes more upset if i say no, plus now i'm not sure i can trust myself to stay at home and not overeat. For some reason its fine during the week, i have much more control, but at the weekends things just go to pot, completely.

Not enough

Why does my attempts at exercise feel like its not enough? Why do i still feel like i'm eating far too much? Why do i still feel like i look 3 months pregnant?

Managed to keep inside the calorie GDA (although i'm sure i read somewhere that apparently the female GDA is an underestimation) today but it still felt like a massive overeat. Compare to last weeks daily intake, i suppose it was, for the last 3 days (certainly over the weekend) i've eaten double the amount or calories i ate monday to thursday last week.

As for exercise, well i got to the gym half an hour before my class, so did 20 minutes in the gym before going upstairs to jump up and down (which my joints really don't like) for the first half of the class, then swing some weights around with some sit ups and stretches to finish. Its a great hour long class, with a wonderful instructor who when i broke down on one day, confided in me that she's been on a psych ward and suffers from Bipolar. I feel safe in her class, knowing she's keeping an eye on me. And i know she does, as she caught me staring into space today and snapped me out of it, encouraging me to go fora swim after the class. Which is what i did. I'd said to T at the time, that swimming didn't feel like enough but my knees and ankles hurt so much (i forgot the painkillers this morning) after bouncing up and down in T's class, that i changed my mind.

So after 30 minutes of up and down the fast lane, breaststroke, backstroke & front crawl, i dragged my shrivelled fingers & toes out to get changed. At which point i had a huge wobbly moment & called mum too ask if it was too late to change my mind about meeting her for lunch- which of course it wasn't. After lunch i decided i could squeeze in a quick gym dash before getting home to watch House (i'm catching up on series 1).


So,

1. 20 minutes gym (bike & cross trainer)
2. 1 hour class
3. 30 minutes swimming
4. 20 minutes (row, bike, cross trainer & treadmill - 5 each)

Why does that not feel like enough? I was contemplating going back to another gym this afternoon, however i rearranged a personal training session (that i cancelled due to illness a couple of weeks ago) for tomorrow morning, so i decided i should conserve my energy for 9.30am tomorrow when i will be pushed out of my comfort zone. And if i survive, i have a pilates class 15 minutes after that.

And i'm sure that won't feel like enough either.

Confirmation (via mother)

It seems i am even too big/overweight/f-a-t according to my mother now too. I have been getting various comments since she realised i was try with all my might to loose weight. In fact i'm starting to wonder now if she'd care if i stopped eating all together - if only i could fight my appetite & the stress/comfort eating that much.

When she first noticed i'd started cutting back (plus going to the gym 4/5 days a week) her words were "I'm watching you!" but in a matter of a couple of months that has turned completely full circle.

One wednesday when she had asked me what i had done that day, i though i'd try and prove to her that i was trying to lose the weight semi-sensibly, for all the good it did me. I told her how in between my two classes (both hour long intensive aerobics/fitness classes), i had walked into town (about 20 minutes), gone to Holland & Barrett and found this rather yummy protein bar which was only 136 calories and tasted just like a double decker to me! I said this to prove i was being sensible by having something to eat between my two jumpy bouncy classes. The response i got? "Did you really need that?"

With being ill over the last week my eating & appetite has gradually decreased. My throat is so sort this morning that even swallowing liquid was rather a trial - so i'm not holding out much hope for today either. However judging my last nights remarks from mum, thats not a problem. I really didn't feel like eating yesterday, and knew i wasn't going to get through much so thought i'd treat myself to a bit of bread pudding. Sadly the first bakery i was counting on didn't have any which was a big disappointment as they make a really nice one, but i thought i'd try the other bakery while i was out. But being a chain bakery it wasn't unsuprisingly not that great, a bit dry, but then again nothing tastes like it should right now, so i guess the flavour wasn't too bad. Anyway - mum saw the foil packet & i, trying to be open & honest and share things with her - again for all the good it does me, explained my day and lack of appetite.
"Wouldn't it be a good idea to capitalise on that?"

Feeling my frustration yet? I said to her that if i'd not eaten very much she'd have been on my back, chasing me about it. "No i wouldn't" However, in fact the other day she came home & commented how there weren't very many dirty dishes & proceeded to ask me what i'd had for lunch.

The nail in the coffin whilst i was making my bowl of parsnip soup "Well, you're not going to waste away, are you?"

It makes me want to throw it back in her face and eat nothing at all, after all i have enough body fat to live on, and clearly its not just my own personal body image - its real.


sadly it seems my cough/cold is slowly starting to clear up which means it looks like i'm going to have to face this family therapy meeting thing on Tuesday - can you tell how much i've been avoiding it - I haven't even alluded to it on here yet, and its now 4 days away. The other annoying thing is i'm not sure i'm going to be up to going to gym to take out my frustrations on the punch bag tuesday morning - surely though if i'm not well enough for the gym, then i'm not well enough for a stressful meeting??!!

Destiny

Seems i'm destined to be F-A-T!!

Even after uping my protein in take, there has been no difference in either the scales or the sensible method which is my nice Laura Ashley trousers than i want to fit back into.

The dietician came up with no suggestions and simply advised not cutting back any further.

The blood tests were all fine. J suggested i just need to adjust to things but how can i when i've never been this big in my life. She tried to ease my distress by reminding me that it's normal to gain weight at my age, having recently finished growing etc but that didn't stop the tears falling and when she took my hand, it just seemed to hurt all the more.

I've working as hard as i can at the gym - despite a chesty cough a & a sprained ankle over the last few days, although pain killers masked that - but its taking triple doses of caffeine tablets to get me there (it genuinely slipped my mine about that when talking to J tonight). I did 2 classes and 30 minutes in the gym today & i struggled with that. I was going to give it a rest tomorrow but given that there is no physical cause for anything, then it seems i have no choice but to try and work through the ankle pain (i found the recumbant bike was ok for that, less pressure on the ankle) at the gym after college tomorrow.

I'm eating 75% of the recommened calorie intake for women, so why isn't anything changing at all.

When i suggested it was my body punishing me for starving myself for those 3 years, J didn't think it was anything to do with my past.

Mum's just come home, and failing to hid my tears I've just told her what happened with J (minus the bit when she took my hand), and just like J, mum has no suggestions.

No-one does.

According to calculators online (yes, i know i probably shouldn't wind myself up like that...) just with my calorie deficit each day, i should be losing about a lb a week.

I'm shattered, bunged up, have a sort throat and my ankle feels like its going to drop off. what i'd really like right now is a ready meal for dinner because i so can't be arsed - plus i don't want to stand in the kitchen on one leg and cook.

But instead i'm going to look up something to do with an aubergine (not that anything tastes like it should right now) and contemplate skipping college tomorrow and spending all day at the gym. Although if i screw up this course it will just be another failure to add to the list.

I just want to say one final thing - something thats no about me and totally self centered and self pittying! To all my bloggy friends who i know are struggling right now (i can think of 4 off the top of my head, but if i name them i know there will be others i've forgotten!) take care (hypocrit i know) and sending you all virtual hugs.

"Have a break. Have a K!tk6t." (or just sleep)

Things may be a tad quiet around here for a bit. All energies (and artificial energies) are being focussed in one place right now. A place i feel safe (so of the time, depending who i'm with), a place i know i can't over eat, a place i know i'm doing good things and a place i can hit things! Only one thing i can't really do which tend to happen when i leave which is cry.

I think the crying is partly due to exhaustion but also due to keeping a straight face and "happy" face for at least 2 hours. There are certain people i trust enough to see the tears, but i know they are people who understand, people who have let me into their pasts slightly and let me know that they've been there in one way or another too. Plus T gives me hugs, which i woule never turn down.

People (& my body) are telling me that i should perhaps slow down a bit and take it easy. My body decided to show me this by sleeping for 90 minutes - thats an hour and a half! - yesterday afternoon for the afternoon 'nap'. I'm relying on pain killers and pain killing gels more and more. I keep telling myself it will be worth it in the end but after 2 months i'm seeing nothing - If anything i've grown even bigger.

Time to get ready for another morning of hard work.

Growing and growing

I can't cope with this. I'm growing bigger and bigger, despite 5 days at the gym last week with at least 2 hours there each day, working hard and also under eating by at least a whole day's calorie allowance.

What else can i do? Live at the gym? My knee joints are already incredibly painful, and I'm considering going to see J because i won't be able to walk soon! Plus i have to take at least a double dose (today it will be treble) of caffeine tablets to get me moving rather than falling asleep.

According to ideal weight guides I'm well over mine, and my goodness my clothes are telling me so! I look 4 months pregnant still.

To add to my stress D has man flu, and is off work today. He really annoys me when he's ill actually. He has this pathetic cough which means he can't simply cough once but has to splutter it out each time. He can't just have a simple cold - it has to be man flu all the way. Another good reason to stay at the gym for as long as possible today.

Blood test in an hour and a half (10.10am), which is kind of annoying because it means i can't get to a class at either gym because one starts at 10am and the other at 10.25am and they are the only classes until the evening and the evening classes get booked up at least a week in advance, and actually so do the day classes.

Even after a dose and a half of caffeine tablets so far, i still want to go back to sleep. What can i do? Someone please tell me! sat looking at this blob of a body i just want to sob my heart out (although i can't as D has now made it downstairs), i don't even feel like i want to harm and attack because i don't even feel i have the energy for that. I just feel like i want to sleep. I have probably enough energy to get to the doctors although it might involve defrosting the car first!! But i think it might take a bit more pill popping to get me to the gym, however i think that should probably wait until i get back just in case it screws up the blood test. After all I'm supposed to be looking for reasons for this tiredness and it probably not going to show much if I'm dosed up to the eyeballs!

Food Diary

"Why did you start keeping a food diary again?"

This was the question posed by the dietician.

I struggled to answer straight away and had to think about my answer, as i realised there were a range of answers.

1. To keep a track of calories
2. To keep track of all the extra little snacks

These where the 2 answers I gave her, but continuing the food diary tonight i started to think more about why i'm doing it and the habits i'm getting back into.

• I'm back to weighing everything right down to vegetables and fruit
• i was even thinking about how to weigh a pear in bed last night, without having to cut it up first. Simply weigh it before, much away and the weigh the core after. Ta Dah!
• Yes, it's stopping the snacks but when i add it all up, it shows how little i am eating.
• Although i like seeing the numbers, i'm still not actually eating near the RDA for calories for women, but then i'm still not losing any weight either, despite at least 90 mins at the gym 4 days a week.

So anyway day 3 of higher protein diet, dietician said there was nothing she would advise changing in the diet, she didn't even say eat more, but as i'm not losing any weight i clearly don't need to eat more!! So blood tests on monday and just continue to work hard at the gym. 2 classes tomorrow morning, in fact i must remember to book in for next week's classes, so i'll do that right now! I'm certainly getting my moneys worth!