More things to panic/stress/worry/cry about

Signed up & payed for the exams today - all i need now is a note from my GP (and some diazepam too i think). Woman at the finance window heard me chatting the girl i've got to know best (we both just been to see the student support lady)

"Everyone who comes to the window to pay for an exam has been saying exactly the same thing. Don't Worry."

Yeh, sure. Do you know me, lady-at-the-finance-window? Do you know how my previous exam attempts have ended? Do you know what happened when i started this course? Do you know how easily i loose control of my mind? Do you know how scared i am of myself?

"Yes, but i'm not sure everyone reacts to things in the way i do."

Was all i replied, as my mind wandered back to my GCSEs and 2 attempts at AS levels, at 2 different schools.

As i said to one of my class instructors at the gym:

"As long as i know what i'm doing, i don't care. Even if it means lots more crying, as long as i'm in control, i don't care."

College

Since October i've been going most thursdays (except half term, xmas, another half term & now easter, plus 2 sickness days) - to college.

We got the exam form before easter. The student support lady suggested doing it in a separate room or have extra time, but she said i needed something official, so i went to see J today. I just got the feeling from J that she didn't think i needed it. I just got the same old "you're bright", "It's normal to panic and have a mind blank etc"

Why can't people get it into their heads - I'm not that clever!!! My mind no longers retains the information it needs to - especially not that to pass an exam, not even one that has a pass mark of 50%.

I've had no motivation to do any revision at all. I copied a little out of a book from the library and i reorganised my folder but no matter how many time i read over the stuff, nothing sinks in.

M said she wouldn't think any less of me if i chose not to take the exam, when i talked to her about it last week. Or even if i did but then didn't pass.

I got 9 out of 20 in a test before easter, and that was a test that i DID revise for and thought i minght have a shot at. Doesn't look good, does it?

My fear if that the stress will push me over the edge. The stress of starting the course (and other things) left me doing things i don't remember at the end of october. I don't want that to happen again - for mum rather than anyone else.

I don't know what to do. But whatever i chose i will have failed in some way. Either:

1. take the exam at a cost of £70 and most likely fail (not putting myself down, just being realistic). I will not have anyone else pay for my failures either - so it will be my money i waste. (just like it will be my money if i never wear that damn dress!)
2. don't even attempt the exam and let people down because i have failed to even try and do it. which will probably leave me just as stressed and depressed.

There is one good thing i've discovered about restricting - when you then get very stressed and want to comfort eat - you can have that one piece of cake because due to earlier restricting i can still stay within the daily calorie allowance!

Tomorrow i shall have breakfast, head to the gym, spend a couple of hours there and then travel to meet a friend in london. Our plan is to meet for a frozen yogurt (and if she reads this blog i have just totally given my identity away to her!), but there is another shop nearby called Candy cakes which sell large cupcakes, topped with thick(ish) solid icing and often sweets too. I think its the bright colours that really make them appealing, but i really want one - so that may be lunch i think (along with the frozen yogurt!). We'll see if i have the guts to buy one tomorrow. The stress mum is causing me tonight i should think i probably will!!

Have just remembered i put my washing in the machine 4 hours ago - i think it might be done by now..........