Will you promise me a maybe?

Will you promise me we can always talk?
Be open and honest with each other,
Laugh and joke?

Will you promise me that you'll always be there?
Even if I have to wait for you
Or search to find you?

Will you promise me that you will never hurt me?
Or at least warn me of the dangers that lie ahead,
With as much will that's within your power.

Will you promise me that if you see me again, you'll recognise me?
Remember our relationship as it was,
Then see it as something new.

Will you promise me something?

That one day,
Some day,
However long it takes,
That you'll hug me?
Embrace me?
Comfort me?

I know you can't give me those as promises for now,
But in the future,
Can that promise be a maybe?

Comfort and Compassion

I'm so glad she's my GP.

After feeling like she didn't understand how much things had affected my before christmas, today I just felt that harsh and firm attitude had gone.  After telling her about the family arguments over christmas and how I was defending by all except the one who doesn't think before he speaks and doesn't care how he make others feel, as i sat with the tears rolling yet again, i'm sure there was a term of endearment used as she told be where the tissues were.  It's something i don't think i've ever heard from her before.

Its not just my family that i feel i have to make things up to, but there are a few professionals too and as she's been my GP for the past 8 years and saved my life literally by coming out to me or seeing me when i had jeopardised my life, not always meaning to at times, I feel i owe her a lot too.

She made me smile though the tears today though.

She said that it wasn't my fault that i came from "a wonky egg" and that it wasn't mum's either.

I do know that now, even if i do need reminding of it occasionally but as i responded to her, i find it hard feeling like i am still living a battle not a life. Do i really have to spend the rest of my life fighting rather than living?

She took my hand before I left.  It's a kind of a cross between a hand shake and that comforting holding of someone's hand.  It's the closest she'll ever (rightly) come to crossing that boundary.  But I know when she does take my hand that I've got it right somewhere and she's willing me to keep fighting.

An answer to her question

I was asked today if I want to stop doing the damage to myself that I've done in the last 10 days. I've lashed out so much. To go with the severe bruising to my arm which I ended up getting xrayed, there's now the 2 injuries that needed suturing which I did on the same day. The 2nd resulting in another trip to the minor injuries unit, where I was seen by the same nurse. Fortunately I was allowed to be patched up and leave which was all I was asking for.

I still can't open a door or lift anything heavy and the bruising is still quite apparent.  Its still keeping me awake at night too. I should have realised I'd lost control when I came home to see J and the shock on her face.  Sad really that I have to use the reaction of a nurse who has seen me at my worst, to gauge whether what I've done is worse than usual.  It shows me that I can't see what is really going on at the moment. I just feel like I've lost track of what I'm doing. Almost lost control.

Yet again I couldn't say that I want to stop. I told her how at the moment it is the fear of being without that coping mechanism.  I don't want to feel like this.  I don't want to feel like I'm clinging on. But I still can't say I want to stop.  It's like it's become part of my identity again and I don't know who I am without self harm.

I feel fine and safe and secure and almost reasonably relaxed while I'm shut in a room with the various people for meetings but when they are over and I'm back on my own life just feels overwhelming. How did it become like this again?  I saw one person a week for support and generally only my mentor for academic stuff when we were in lectures, yet the last few weeks I seem to be seeing one person per day. I never had any contact with out of hours support,  now I'm wishing I felt able to call every evening,  except that really is just taking advantage of help I feel. 

I'm not sure I have what it takes to do this career.  Too many flaws in my personality and character have resurfaced. I thought I'd moved on from them.  I thought I'd left behind the girl with attachment issues and the screwed up thinking.  It seems she's back. I find myself clingy and being conscious of what I say or do in case it shows. The temptation tonight to cause damage and harm to myself to express the distress in my head - to show people that it's really not ok. Those around me here who know the full details have seen it I think. But to get mum to realise?  Is that where I need to go? Will she not realise how much this has knocked me down unless I end up in hospital?

I don't want to go there and I thought the worst of the damage and harm was done but there's still that part of me that wants an easier route out of this.  That sensible part, that logical part that my mentor found so unbelievable is still clinging on. It's that part that despite being off my head on sedatives and alcohol and unaware what I was doing can still go to the library and get books out reasonably relevant to my course.  I don't remember any of it but the books and the receipt from 4.30am told me it happened.

I think what I want is for someone to take this all away from me. As much as these wonderful supportive people can be there for me, the decision is still mine. If I go too far and do something too dangerous and harmful,  there's that chance it will be taken out of my hands. The decision will be taken from me and I won't have to think anymore or have that weight on my shoulders.

But is that really what I want? Did I not come here to move on again in my life? I think my worry is that no matter how much I try I can't leave it behind,  which makes me question whether my career choice is right, despite none of these demons taking hold while I was at work.  Even when the patient came in who had self harmed,  yes it threw me for a bit but the next day was a new day and it didn't have a hold on me.  Where did my mental strength go to?  How have I ended up in this spiral and circle that has trapped me once again?

Do I want to stop harming?  I just can't say yes right now and once again I can't see my life without it.

Feeling human

I text my mentor earlier to let her know where to meet next week and also thank her for the session today as although it is her job I still wanted her to know I appreciate her time. I told her how I felt more human after the stresses and lows of the last 2 weeks,  but in doing so and thinking about it more and also on receiving her reply I realised that it possibly would be better to go back to how I have been managing. 

I left feeling a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, yet now,  7 hours on i just feel hurt, vulnerable, isolated and alone yet again.  I have barely cried in the last week but after a human, non-serious conversation this afternoon which felt fine, in fact I actually felt relaxed for once, while we were together during the session - I have now spent all evening rereading the reply to my text and wishing partly that I hadn't let her in because yet I feel like that scared, lost and lonely girl who just wants some comfort. 

I know that is not her role and I'm so conscious these days of not over stepping the boundaries after a teenage catalogue of disasters over issues like that. But at the same time that screwed up side of me is reappearing longing for physical comfort and someone to talk to and share my tears with.

This course is making me question whether my past has been resolved or whether the past 2 seemingly successful years have been a lie, ignoring a flaw within me that I will never escape.

Maybe this occupational health doctor is right to want a psych assessment of me?  Or maybe I've just let him put too much doubt in my mind. I do feel though that old insecurities are creeping back in but if I let anyone know it could spell the end of my journey and yet again I will viewed as the messed up little girl who can't let go or move on and is incapable of leading a 'normal' life.

Seeking Help to Maintain Sanity

I went to see an adviser today, who was suggested to me.   He was a slightly off the wall character but he had that air about him that made me feel reasonably safe and pretty sure that he had experienced mental health issues himself, which is what i had been told by my referrer.

He was quite relaxed about the whole thing and nothing i said seemed to phase him or worry him. He asked me if i had harmed. As usual i hate lying. With no details divulged i said yes.  "I have a student who self harms every day" he told me.  Was i supposed to be shocked, jealous, amazed? I don't know Was i supposed to try and compete with that?  Did he tell me to try and get more information out of me? By telling me they were still allowed to do their course, was he trying to see if i'd relax more and open up?

I have no idea what the purpose was.

By the time we'd chatted for an hour i had the feeling i wanted to scream slightly and maybe i  was inside.  I wanted to telling him that he has no fucking idea what was going around in my head, of the things i want to do to myself and that the harm i did last night was nothing and that i could quite easily take the full box of 48 400mg ibuprofen i have or the collection of benzo's and other sedatives i have.  Even after the ones i have taken in the last 2 weeks to help me get through (which was my intended use, it was not for a planned misuse), i know the damage i could do and the power i hold locked away in my room. But i also know i don't really want to end it for good, however although i walked away last time "i just wanted to go to sleep for a bit" I was a) extremely luck physically and b) they probably have a better crisis team here so i may not escape to easily there either.

But i couldn't tell him that.  Despite him knowing that i had harmed recently, which he didn't seem bothered by, i still don't have anyone that i can tell the whole truth to.  It's been ok in recent years when my head has felt calm but now the stress and anxiety levels are up, and instead of settling seem to be rising further, I once again have the fear of speaking out against myself.

If they really knew....what goes on in my messed up mind, how i want to take all the stress, hate, anger, frustration and fear out on myself.....They will never let me move onto the second part of my course in 6 weeks time. So yet again i am left crying to myself because i cannot turn to anyone and even if i could no one can take away the thoughts inside my mind.

I have no clue right now how i am going to get through the next 2 years.  I came in full on confidence like a bull in a china shop with such determination, telling myself i could do this and now i'm left simply trying not to fail again.

Its also just occured to me of what the hell am i going to do when these sedatives run out? How the hell am i going to sleep at night.

Mr Adviser said he was unimportant at the uni "until the shit hits the fan" when he then became very important. I'm seeing him again in 2 weeks, just before occy health when my fear is that it will hit the fan.  He said occy health does ask him for advise sometimes and so maybe if i can keep my mouth shut in the next 2 weeks if they do ask him, it will all be ok.

Shame i can't just make my head stop for the next 2 weeks, or at least not without screwing up the best opportunity i have ever had.

A different location

I didn't realise how much this was going to affect me.  Or rather it is affecting me in a way I didn't expect.

I feel like the clock has been turned back 10 years.  I'm back in a hospital room.  It's the weekend and lots of the students have gone home.  Just like the good old days I'm one of the ones still here not going on weekend leave.

I wish I could recognise the difference.  This time I am not being held here. If only it felt like that.  Really not sure how I'm going to manage for a year. 

At least I know that harming doesn't mean I am automatically out.  I am struggling not to right now and even more so since I learnt the latter.  I must try not to see that as permission to do it though.

I want to let go and fall apart so much right now.

No excuses

Theere are no excuses for my abscence.

I just haven't felt like blogging.

There still been plenty going on. Maybe there's been too much going on. I don't do very well with time management; My room is a tip, I haven't completed the extra bits on the volunteer project i've been doing, I haven't started the college (yes i'm attempting to study again)assignment i got monday (its now Friday), I'm trying to get fundraising bits sorted for my run (paper forms & cards with online sponsor page, just a T-shirts & the emailing round/publicity to do) - oh & i'm still trying to lose all the weight i gained over Christmas. Probably about half a stone, but its not just over eating at christmas, its huge lack of exercise due to illness too. So that flat tummy i worked so hard to gain has gone. But i need to be thinking about running really as i am extremely behind with training. So for now it will be running 4 days a week, yoga/pilates etc 4 times a week, a couple of my beloved classes on a sunday (although one of them is one of those 4 yogaish ones) and fridays i may do a weights class but taking it gently.
Except for half term & tutorial weeks when i get the chance to do classes with instructors i really miss doing classes with.

That kind of brings me onto why i've returned. The nightmare last night was that mixture of painful upsetting because it was comfort that i know will never happen & very distressing because it was dragging up some of the worst of the past. I can't recal the order of events but it included all of these points:

• M, an instructor i miss doing classes with rescuing me when my car broke down & i was very distressed & taking me back to her place


• Where my psych called me and told me i was going to be sectioned (It was my first adult services psych who couldn't really speak english & grabbed my arm & pushed up my sleeve to see my scars - funnily enough i always hated him) when i asked why it was due the arm band marks that mum had seen on my tummy - which apparently made me a danger to myself (WTF goes on in my head while i'm asleep?!)


• I told M it would be fine as i hadn't been harming, so i'd go but they had no grounds to section me.


• Except they did. horrible psych was there with another of my current instructors R who was trying to get him to see the benefits of the classes while he just said it was me damaging myself. There was another bloke in the room i was in too & i can't recall what but he doesn't have a positive feel attached to him - quite the opposite.


• Somewhere along the lines i was talking to someone at a yard who was telling me she had met me before when i'd had a car accident with a horse box, but i was sure that i had only had one serious incident which didn't involve anyone else (which is true). I felt all confused in the dream but kind of confused when i woke up too. Its like the dream was becoming reality and i couldn't separate the 2.


• There was something else too about getting ready for a party & getting the theme wrong & then we were at this restaurant & someone dropped the game of battleships & mum & i were trying to find all the little pieces. All though there were no familiar faces other than mum, it still didn't feel like a happy dream. like there was something underlying which still makes me want to wake up & cry.

Which is pretty much what i did - well on the car on the way here, to college. Is it a bit risky blogging from college? That does seem to be a big theme with me right now - Apathy. I couldn't give a shit about anything. Its taken me a month to start stressing about the weight gain - stressing to the point of harming at least and even then i couldn't be bothered to do that damage i felt i wanted too.

Anyway in 7 minutes i need to be in class where we are giving indvidual presentation - just what i need!

I don't know what i'm thinking anymore.

Saw K today & left feeling worse than i did before i went in. I knew i should have left when time was getting tight, although i did still manage to make it to the gym on time for evening classes. Thank goodness i had combat after LBT, i had so much agression to let out, although i didn't manage to make it out of the studio before i started crying.

I also left K with a prescription for Carbamazepine, a low dose & only a 2 week supply. She asked me if i was likely to take the lot & right now i don't see the fucking point in anything, all my head is saying is "why not?"

I wouldn't show her my stomach which is probably the first time i've kept that back from her, but despite needing to stick myself back together with tape at least once a week at the moment, the damage there felt insignificant & i almost felt embarrassed to show her because it was so pathetic. Although i know if i hadn't taped the wounds back closed it would have been a different story & i also know that had i gone to see anyone about them to get treatment it would have been sutures. I;ve just gotten lazy & would rather it take a few more days to heal & stop bleeding completely than go through the effort of suturing right now. I just can't be bothered.

She asked me if i'd seen M & what her thoughts were & how she was. I questioned whether M had called her which i know she has done in the past when she has been concerned, but clearly M isn't that worried as K said she hadn't called. I said M was concerned that my weight was dropping. To which K said "Well you had got a bit chubby" i am now making sure that comment stays lodged in my head, afterall what else could be such great motivation to get me to move my arse at the gym & cut out any unnesseccary food? My BMI is now 20.5, so getting there but the chubby waist & stomach still need work. Why is it you lose weight from certain places first - for me its my chest/breasts and face, never the stomach, hips or thighs.

Starting college, getting this job on wednesday all seem pointless & like no hope. Mum & D go away friday for the weekend, in my head right now this would give me chance to do damage i want without being worried about being found out, i just worry i;m not in control enough not to go too far. I think this week is going to be a little risky, but nothing can go wrong before friday, otherwise mum won't get her weekend away.

I'm not seeing M until next tuesday - thats 7 days. I have 19 classes booked at the gym. Thats 19 hours to get rid of some of this weight, the stress of a meeting about benefits & also the job interview should shed some weight too hopefully.

Right now i want to cause damage, i need to cause damage. I want to give up, i;ve had enough.

But i still can't hurt mum or nan.

Stumbling Problem

I have a porn problem. A food porn problem. I'm back into the habit of googling & floolwing links to recipes, and saving some of them in my favourites, knowing full well i will probably never make any of them. Although i have gone as far as to buy some of the ingredients for one.

I've been here before. I know the signs, but i don't want to stop them right now. I'm losing weight & i'm happy with that, even if i do feel physically exhausted & crappy, dizzy etc.

The BMI is down to 21 but i still feel big.

M used the word depression on numerous occasions today while i sat the and talked through my tears. I didn't even feel pleased when i saw the number on the scales - not that i didn't know what it was anyway, the weighing at home is daily, if not more right now. I didn't want to go, driving there. I couldn't be bothered to talk to her today. I just wanted to curl up in a ball instead, and after i had taken my shoes off for the scales i sat with my legs tucked up underneath me, closer to that ball shape.

However from talking to M today, i think i will give the meds a try. Or at least i did, yet sitting here now i'd rather just carry on cutting instead. i feel like i would be masking a problem, that people would expect me to be fine once i was on meds. By as M pointed out, trying to think about anything right now is almost pointless as the depression and blackness is just masking every sensible thought.

How am i supposed to make a decision on my future in the next 2 weeks when i can't see past the next week? And i'm not seeing K again until the 8th August anyway. who knows what will happen in the next 3 weeks. Part of me still wishes something will go wrong, either i collapse or harm & make a mistake. i wish it would be all taken out of my control right now, only trouble is if it was, i'm not sure i'd like their plans, especially if involved hospital.

I don't know what i want at the moment. I don't see a future. It is purely day to day. I get up throw myself at the gym & exhaust myself. In the last 9 days i have done 22 classes plus a 15 minute run plus exercise walking at the stables of about 4 hours in that time.

I'm going to try & cut back in the next week. Either i've exhausted myself or i'm anaemic again, either way the blood test J took yesterday will tell. I booked the appointment friday evening, as i drove home from the supermarket i could feel panic overwhelming me, the dizzyness was stronger & i just felt desperate. I think it was more psychological than physiological friday evening, so i was glad that as i was asking the new-ish receptionist for an appointment with J, E came out and when i replied to her question that i wasn't ok & the tears starting rolling down my face, whilst holding onto my hand over the counter, telling me how well i'd been doing, she told the new girl to unblock a certain reserved appointment (probably an emergency slot that would open up on the morning of that day) so that i could see J straight after the weekend.

Part of me wished E hadn't taken my hand because i wanted more comfort, just like when i collapsed into the ex-bosses arms when i saw him & he had crept up behind me giving me a shoulder massage. My mind flew back 10 years when she had given me a hug, before i crossed the line & got too attached. Although of all the staff she is still the one who will reach out & give me some physical reassurance.

I feel frustrated. frustrated that i don't know what i want. Angry that government organisations won't give me the answers i need. Angry that part of me doesn't want to accept help & is almost happy for things to stay this way, with me harming myself & losing weight, angry because i know i should want to be normal without appointment & the need for help. Yet frustrated that i can't lose control & cause the damage i want to for fear of upsetting my family. Part of me wishes that the cut catch a blood vessel & don't stop bleeding like a few years back, so that i have to try & get myself to the surgery to pray that J & K can stop it, but knowing at the same time that then they know whats really going on in my head.

I think thats the problem, i still feel that if the damage doesn't show physically then no-one will really understand whats going on in my head.

No-one can see the images i see - reliving the past, the damage i caused, the incidents that happened, the stress of being chased my police after absconding, sleeping in a church yard over night when i was on a section 3 and should have been on the ward. No-one can see the thoughts i have, the things i really want to do. How i want to damage my arms, expect if i started wearing long sleeves again now, especially when i go to the gym constantly - it would be too obvious.

I need to go to bed. i can feel that crying myself to sleep is the only way to release this tonight & i know as soon as my head hits the pillow, if not before, the tears will be falling.

"Even if it is broken......

......there's nothing that can be done anyway, is there?"

That was my response to K this morning when she asked me if i wanted an x-ray of my hand. If i had made a better job of punching then perhaps & even though i am in pain, couldn't make a fist for her, flinched every time she touched the knuckle it still doesn't mean there is anything that can be done.

She said to strap it up & stick it in a sling, which isn't really possible when driving & certainly can't happen when i'm at home or at the gym - that will attract even more attention to it. Trying not to show that i can't really use it for the pain is hard enough, especially at the gym. Have had to cancel a class tonight. A, i feel exhausted & B can't make a fist to punch properly. Might have felt different if it was a certain instructor, but its not her so i'm not too bothered. Off to the gym for a class in a bit anyway, so i still get one in at least. Not that my heart rate monitor is working to tell me how hard i'm working, don't think it will be that much anyway the way i feel today.

Think a sleep might be needed this afternoon. Would rather sleep right now but need to get my lazy arse into gear & get changed. I know i need to take a couple of detours too on the way, so i really should move off the sofa.

But before i forget one last thing, K was talking about starting me on a mood stabiliser, to even out the low dips that happen every so often. Maybe its because things have been this way for so long, but there sadly feels like a little security in feeling like this. Sure it might be nice to feeling less depressed but whats the point of feeling less depressed if i have nothing to do - no job etc. Then i'd just be a less depressed exercise addict, yet functioning benefit cheat with no future prospects, rather than a depressed, exercise addict, self hating & harming, pathetic, state scrounging fraud of a person.

I think i'd better stop there & go to the gym.

Long time, no see

I saw someone today that i used to trust with my life and even though we haven't spoken in a couple of years, i would still trust her will all my secrets if i saw her again tomorrow.

I'm going to call her Rose, because i will never forget the day she told me i looked like a rose when i smiled. I was 13 years old & had been seeing her at school weekly (the benefits of going to a private school - they hire in a professional counsellor) for a couple of terms when one day i finally gave her a smile. It was a rare occassion where she saw a different glint in my eye - a slightly happier one.

I've always know she lives in the same village as me. I can recall on one occassion she gave me a lift home from school because she wanted to see me after school when she could give me more time to talk. I've bumped into her outside of school on a couple of occassions through amateur dramatics as a teenager. I'm not sure she actually saw me today as it was very busy with a fete going on. Or maybe it was because i was with mum, that she bypassed me. Mum saw her. Mum hates her. On one occasion Rose offered mum a session so she could talk about what went on in her childhood with her siblings & parents & the divorce with my dad. Mum didn't like the fact that Rose wanted her to talk about those issues. As far as i know she had never done so before then. As a result mum now hates Rose, yet as i said i would trust her with my life.

When we parted as i left school & our professional relationship ended, she told me that if i ever wanted her as a friend she would do her best to help me. Its not the same as being able to spill my heart & soul though. I think i took her up on that offer once, when i wanted the phone number of the local Samaritans rather than the national number, to save my mobile phone credit, whilst babysitting. I knew it was in our village magazine & she was the only person i could think of to call to aks, who might have the magazine. Needless to say the number is now saved in my phone. Perhaps i should remember that at this present time. Rose's number is still saved there too, but i'm not sure its right to call her, depsite what she said those years ago.

Seeing Rose today.....it made me wish she was still my counsellor. For a year she supported me before telling me i should see my GP as she thought this was more than the teenage blues, by that time i had been feeling low & scratching my wrists for 2 years. She was right & its thanks to her that i sought professional help. I still wonder, if had i not taken her advice, whether i would have gone through all the professional services that i have, but then i think the same about my first hopsital admission & my entry into inpatient services. However i also look back & remember how many weeks i saw Rose & sat there & cried (some things don't change) and how after a year of seeing Rose once a week, i then started cutting in the summer holidays - when i didn't have her support.

Its probably because everything is bottled up inside of me right now but i wanted to talk to her, tell her how things aren't good, let my eyes well up & take comfort from her. In my head, she'd put her arm around me & we'd go for a walk, away from the crowds & she's listen to the things i can't trust anyone else with. I'd brush my hair away from my face & she'd see the blue bruising on the back of my hand & knuckles, knowing the signs....... But of course with mum there i'd be lucky to say hello. I didn't. I couldn't.

I wish i had said something & ignored the fact that she was saying hello to someone behind me. Perhaps thats why she didn't see me because she had spotted someone else before me, i still could have pulled her attention back towards me, yet i didn't. I could have walked back towards her, followed her & initiated a conversation once she had finished speaking. Instead i followed mum, left my mind crying for her & ended up wanting to be back hiding at home wishing we had never gone out in the first place.

The only good thing about seeing her - reassurance. Reassurance that she is still around & maybe the hope that one day we'll talk again.

Time to resurface

It's time to resurrect Susie. I disappeared not because i wanted to to but because i screwed up. I managed to send an email to my whole personal address book but from my blog account. I am praying very hard that no-one then googled the name & blog and that if they have, they respect my privacy enough to not read it when i release the gag on Susie Belle - or at least even if they do read & know my true identity that they keep very very quiet about it & bascially pretend they have never even read it! Even when speaking to me, if i thought i was speaking to someone who knew my inner thoughts i really do think i would be tipped over the edge.

That's partly why Susie is coming out of hiding because there is too much going around in my head & i have nowhere to put that stuff. I can't tell people whats really going on, I'm ashamed of what goes around in my head & i'm terrified of what people will think of me. There is, however, still that part of me that wants to show people i'm really struggling. Its that part of me that wants to self destruct, cause damage to the point where i need physical help to cope with the injury i've caused. I could go to someone for sutures yet still i don't. That isn't severe enough to warrant outside help, i can deal with that myself. The chemical burn issue is still in my head but all that happened last time was i ended up making 30 mile round trips to a plastic surgery unit & wasting petrol & i have barely enough money for petrol as it is right now. Plus i can't be bothered with the hassle of extra appointments. I seem to have enough of those right now. I'm sure i'll get to the point where i lose control enough & dissociate from my actions to the point where i need help eventually. I normally do when i feel things building like this.

I requested my notes from the sessions with TP a while back & i got them last week. The only real information i got was a summary letter from TP to Dr L, which was actually quite enlightening & kind of changed my opinion of him, or at least made me see him in a slightly different light. However of course this has then been playing on my mind, to the point that he appeared in my nightmare the other night. It was as though i was watching from above.

I was in his office & he was asking me to redo a computing profiling assessment. He was calm, kind, almost affectionate, telling me that he would know if i had lied in my answers. He then left the room, saying he needed to get something from the secretary. After he left the background voice (my own voice) started on about the fact that someone was watching me. I got up looked around the room, checking for cameras trying to reassure myself that i was being paranoid. However i didn't spot the pinhole camera which was feeding ack to TP outside. The background voice kept on and i lost my temper, grabbing a letter opener on TP's desk and started stabbing my thigh. TP ran in & tried to restrain me, yet i was as though i didn't see him there, like i was no longer in control of my actions. He tried to get me to focus on him but it was like he didn't exist & i just kept fighting. Other staff members soon followed and assisted in the restraint.

It has left me slightly confused. Did i make a mistake in not going to the last session? Should i have tried harder? But think about how i felt after each session. I needed sutures after each one and the nightmare has caused the same problem. In one of the final sessions i dissociated and recall little of the session, other than a dog barking & his next patient arriving (except i thought we were at the beginning & he had doubled booked). I'm going to show M the letter & brief attendance details, where the final entry says 'split off', as she has still seen nothing about the sessions despite being my care co-ordinator. There is one thing that really concerns me in the letter "When we came to the end of the three additional meetings following her discharge from hospital..." WHAT??!! I don't recall being in hospital in 2010! I went abroad for 2 weeks but i don't recall any other time away anywhere. I am hoping that this is a mistake on his part & that i haven't blocked something else out. One of the first things to check with M.

I think thats enough for now. I should really be getting myself to the gym. 2 hours worth today. I'm shattered but it still doesn't feel like enough although i am nearly back down to 53kg only 3 more to where i want to be - where i should be. Its been bloody hard work though, even harder when you are mentally exhausted. Ever tried doing a step class with images of the nightmares from the night before flashing before your eyes? Not easy & not easy to hide from those who know you either. B said she could see i was struggling with something & left me alone, probably a good job too as i would have cried i expect. She's the little comfort i get right now, and sometimes i wish she didn't get me that, as i just want more. I want a full blown hug, but instead i leave the gym and some my heart out in my car before driving home. Maybe one day she'll catch me, not that the comfort i crave is going to solve anything & take it away. Plus she has enough going on with her eldest anyway, she doesn't need me & my issues.

Vulnerable

Every now & then there are things that bring me back to reality and make me realise that i'm not as strong as i think i am. Brings me back to reality so to speak.

I've helped someone set up a website page for their business. It was a business i was simply at a customer at but became friends with the owner during a period when i needed a safe place to be & just sit. She let me sit in a corner of the shop during quiet afternoons & just be. So when i picked up mood wise i offered to do this for them.

Now the page is up & running, the business is growing and i discovered this morning that i may have just lost my unofficial place in the team. The owner isn't totally computer literate & last week i spent half an hour teaching her some admin bits and i thought she'd asked me to go back next week for lesson 2, but having checked the page this morning, the Saturday girl is now an admin & another account has been created under the business name. Why i don't know, because she was able to do it from her personal account.

I know its not my business, i know i'm not an employee but i feel hurt & rejected. I feel like i don't want to go there & buy thing anymore. We are regular customers, buying produce weekly, but i don't want to face them.

Right now i want to hide & cry. I can feel the tears building. I guess i just don't know where i stand.

I don't think it helps that we went to friends for dinner & fireworks last night & my 1100 workout Friday didn't help in the slightest. Its that shitty out of control, overeating feeling.

After nibbles of peanuts, crisps & olive there was a starter of onion soup the a cheesey toast on top. A main of spaghetti carbonara, slightly healthier because it was the traditional way with egg and a little cheese, rather than the modern cheat of cream & cheese. But then came dessert which was a selection of small cakes & tarts cut into larger bitesize portions and then came the chocolates. Stress levels being high i lost control & even when we got home at 12.30am i kept going nicking a chocolate of mum's & the a WW rice pudding - at that time of night!

Now this morning i still feel out of control, can't get myself together - need to go for a run but can't find the motivation or just get my head together. I need to do half hour or about 3 miles, but i can't do it with my head not focussed.

Brain Swimming now Sinking

Bloods taken, results in a week.

Physio referal, wait and see.

Run though pain, just keep going. Must keep training.

Ice x3 daily, reduce inflamation which J confirmed.

Detail everything that passes my lips.

Detail all exercise.

Lose the extra weight - about 14lb/7kg.

Referal to London, hope it comes soon.

Appointment with TP & Dr L, dreading the looming nightmare situation.

Appointment with M tomorrow.

Hair appointment friday - DO NOT let mum pay!

Drop mum & D to airport early Saturday, go to D's work Saturday morning.

Survive 3 and a half days completely alone.

Get head around new staff at the surgery - a job that could have been mine if i hadn't got too close to the place. More new people who don't know or understand. Who's leaving to make room? Who am i going to have to get over leaving now?

Can i handle going to that place to see K anymore?

Keep up the volunteering.

Get a Job.

Keep the job.

Get some qualifications.

Earn some money.

Pay off debts.

Stay in control.

Stop crying.


GET A FUCKING GRIP!

Dietetics

I don't think i'll tell mum about the appointment in London unless i have too. I know she just won't understand. I especially know this after a comment she made today when she got in from work.

"what did you do stay at home & eat all day?"

(here we go, can't win. Don't eat and she's questioning me & now i'm eating too much)

"what do you mean?" i replied.

"Well its just there's an empty tuna tin AND a weight watchers tuna tin..."

(it's a good job you haven't seen how many extra light laughing cow cheese triangles i've eaten then)


I sometimes think Mum has no idea or concept about calories. In fact i know she doesn't. Her question as to whether the litres of diet coke i drank contained too many carbs, & whether it was causing the weight gain/lack of weight loss that i am so depressed by, told me that she doesn't have that much knowledge.

In actual fact i am only about 75% of the way to the calorie allowance i have agreed to keep up each day until i go back to london to hopefully get some help so i don't have to live the rest of my life fighting my appetite and restricting, just to even maintain my weight.

I did get some understanding from a fellow gym buddy. When i explained the kilo a week gain on 2000 calories i think her words were something along the lines of;

"wow, you're metabolism is really messed up!"

However she did before that say that i looked fine as i am now. But at least she recognises that although i look ok, that things are not right.

*Sigh* i think i'll keep my mouth shut from now on.

Rejection

It hurts. Maybe my online buddy was right. Maybe i shouldn't have applied. Maybe applying for a job at my doctors is going to hurt more than any others.

K didn't seem to agree & maybe she's right. Afterall this is the first rejection - at least the first i've got to hear of. The first application before the one for my surgery, i still haven't heard from - that was about a month ago.

Even seeing K these days gets me in a emotional mess state. After a meeting with her i still leave crying, and there was nothing deep and meaningful discussed. Just my worries about uncertainties about the future and what it may hold, now that i'm trying to make changes again. Leg injuries/issues which are still not sorted. My attempt at volunteering and why i feel too scared/anxious to go back - even though nothing went wrong in the slightest (other than blisters) & the goings on the TP, Dr L and psychology.

She said that the practice manager had shown her my application.

"It was a good application. Just keep trying"

I'm guessing from that comment that i didn't get an interview etc.


I'm not sure i want to see K anymore. I don't really want to se anyone. Its probably because everytime i think/talk about whats really going on in my head, i just get more upset. It varies to different degrees of distress depending who the person is and how hard they delve inside my mind.

In general right now though i want to ignore all the shit & low mood & anxiety as much as i can. I can go to the gym & work my butt off, not have to talk to anyone & just ignore how much i hate myself, how much i screwed up in the past, how scared i am of history repeating itself.

Thats another thing K challenged me on. The corrolation between types of jobs & how long i've lasted. In a full time stressful job with a bitch of a boss (she was a bitch to everyone but those higher or equal to her), after 2 months i drove my car down a hill into a ditch, with a very lucky escape - that was 5 years ago last week. In a very quiet, lonely office with little stimulation after a few months i was sectioned after a very dangerous harming episode where actually if K hadn't responded to my terrified phone call, and got me an ambulance i doubt i would be here today. In fact a nurse at the hospital told me most people's bodies wouldn't have survived that.

As K put it though,

"Thats like saying the number of babies born in denmark increased, there for the number of storks increased"

The effect was not necessarily caused by the job satisfaction basically. And that i need to put those fears aside and let go of that association, because as K said there have been many incidents, sectionings and hospitalisations without a job being involved.

I just want to get a job, settle in, keep running/training & going to the gym. Keep up the volunteering, work permitting. And everything will be ok....................

Tablets

As you may be able to tell from the title, it's not happy things in Susie's world right now. So if you are of a nervous (or too caring/a worrier) disposition then i suggest you read no further. And please no comments of go to hospital, just in case - because ITS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!!

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*****
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(isn't that pretty)

I'm falling, fast. Or rather i think i've fallen. 3 x 3 stitches in the last week. Lots of punching and hitting (not a lot else you can do whilst driving and trying to make your way home without crashing the car as in 2005).

I admitted to M today that the last 2 nights i've downed a handful of ibruprofen (with no affect i might add) and for some reason i feel the urge to do it again. I can't tell you why. That i do not know. All i know is the dissociation is getting worse. Monday whilst driving, Tuesday morning which sitting at home and worst episode was during psychotherapy session with TP.

Of that i recall very little other than the tunnel vision, bright lights and a dog barking, which is interesting because its in a building where that is a long way off the high street with a dental surgery in front and a car park behind. In all my years of going there, which is about 6 now - i have never heard any noise from outside the building. I was brought back to life by TP's next patient outside the door saying something about her car and needing to be there at quarter past the hour. I started to think that he had doubled booked. My appointment was at 3.10pm and i thought that it must be about 3.30pm which was why she was getting stressed because at 4.15pm she had to sort her car out.

No - it seems it was 4.10pm already and i'd been there an hour not 15 minutes as i thought. My thoughts about it now?

Oh Shit what did i say in that hour?
What the hell did i tell him?
How much information have i divulged that i really didn't mean to?

Perhaps thats why another handful of tablets seems insignificant. I want to escape this even more than my brain is already trying to help me do.

What i don't want to do is have mum find me again & end up in hospital with her thinking she's watch me die. I don't want to go to Shitty Ward either.

But hugs aren't enough to soothe things i've found. I was praying it would be. I thought that all i needed was a pair of safe arms to cry into. I've found those safe arms, which i'm probably just clinging onto because i feel so vulnerable right now, but yesterday it wasn't enough comfort. Today it felt better but there were other people around. I don't get sympathy off of Mrs A but i think thats a good thing, however she is happy to put her arm round me - which then caused me to cry further. There is someone else, another T, who i would willing go to for comfort right now, but she is almost 6 months pregnant and its not been straight forwards for her, so i can't put anything on her right now. But i think i would get the comfort. I need to learn that it isn't going to save me though.

Having said all of the above - want to hear something really funny? I've just redone my CV and written a covering letter. I'm applying for a job!

Ha Ha Ha!

There's nothing else you can say to that really.

Grounding

my thoughts are slipping away from me and the black clouds are creeping in. I cried so much yesterday that i barely shed a tear when i saw J 45 minutes ago.

Yesterday is a blur of tears, clouded over by mold dissociation where i struggled to focus to drive to the gym at the end of the day, with the only control over my mind being brought about by harm. When that amount of damage doesn't hurt, i know it's time to be concerned.

Today is clear and i feel awake but totally numb, the tears shed this afternoon are nothing in comparison to yesterday.

I'm not sure which is preferable - the severe distress of yesterday or the numbness of today.

The words i spoke to J felt cold and rational, in total contradiction to the content of those sentences about losing control & nose diving in mood. Even talking to her couldn't bring me back to normality or find me some comfort. Another sign i need to watch out.




I think i kept it inside for too long. Holding things together & keeping them to yourself doesn't protect people in the long run.

"Do you know what 'Slothenly' means?"

Mum, right now i'd rather be knocked unconconsious, "cut up like a god damn virginia ham" (to quote Lisa from Girl Interrupted), doing something distructive to distract from the hell that is my thoughts and my mind. etc etc. But because i'm so stressed about hurting you (and nan), i'm not. I'm bottling it all inside instead - which means it will probably come back and bite me in the arse later somewhere along the lines.

I don't give a shit right now about anything - certainly not the fact that i haven't had a shower today - no matter how "digusting" that is to you!

Sorry.