Stumbling Problem

I have a porn problem. A food porn problem. I'm back into the habit of googling & floolwing links to recipes, and saving some of them in my favourites, knowing full well i will probably never make any of them. Although i have gone as far as to buy some of the ingredients for one.

I've been here before. I know the signs, but i don't want to stop them right now. I'm losing weight & i'm happy with that, even if i do feel physically exhausted & crappy, dizzy etc.

The BMI is down to 21 but i still feel big.

M used the word depression on numerous occasions today while i sat the and talked through my tears. I didn't even feel pleased when i saw the number on the scales - not that i didn't know what it was anyway, the weighing at home is daily, if not more right now. I didn't want to go, driving there. I couldn't be bothered to talk to her today. I just wanted to curl up in a ball instead, and after i had taken my shoes off for the scales i sat with my legs tucked up underneath me, closer to that ball shape.

However from talking to M today, i think i will give the meds a try. Or at least i did, yet sitting here now i'd rather just carry on cutting instead. i feel like i would be masking a problem, that people would expect me to be fine once i was on meds. By as M pointed out, trying to think about anything right now is almost pointless as the depression and blackness is just masking every sensible thought.

How am i supposed to make a decision on my future in the next 2 weeks when i can't see past the next week? And i'm not seeing K again until the 8th August anyway. who knows what will happen in the next 3 weeks. Part of me still wishes something will go wrong, either i collapse or harm & make a mistake. i wish it would be all taken out of my control right now, only trouble is if it was, i'm not sure i'd like their plans, especially if involved hospital.

I don't know what i want at the moment. I don't see a future. It is purely day to day. I get up throw myself at the gym & exhaust myself. In the last 9 days i have done 22 classes plus a 15 minute run plus exercise walking at the stables of about 4 hours in that time.

I'm going to try & cut back in the next week. Either i've exhausted myself or i'm anaemic again, either way the blood test J took yesterday will tell. I booked the appointment friday evening, as i drove home from the supermarket i could feel panic overwhelming me, the dizzyness was stronger & i just felt desperate. I think it was more psychological than physiological friday evening, so i was glad that as i was asking the new-ish receptionist for an appointment with J, E came out and when i replied to her question that i wasn't ok & the tears starting rolling down my face, whilst holding onto my hand over the counter, telling me how well i'd been doing, she told the new girl to unblock a certain reserved appointment (probably an emergency slot that would open up on the morning of that day) so that i could see J straight after the weekend.

Part of me wished E hadn't taken my hand because i wanted more comfort, just like when i collapsed into the ex-bosses arms when i saw him & he had crept up behind me giving me a shoulder massage. My mind flew back 10 years when she had given me a hug, before i crossed the line & got too attached. Although of all the staff she is still the one who will reach out & give me some physical reassurance.

I feel frustrated. frustrated that i don't know what i want. Angry that government organisations won't give me the answers i need. Angry that part of me doesn't want to accept help & is almost happy for things to stay this way, with me harming myself & losing weight, angry because i know i should want to be normal without appointment & the need for help. Yet frustrated that i can't lose control & cause the damage i want to for fear of upsetting my family. Part of me wishes that the cut catch a blood vessel & don't stop bleeding like a few years back, so that i have to try & get myself to the surgery to pray that J & K can stop it, but knowing at the same time that then they know whats really going on in my head.

I think thats the problem, i still feel that if the damage doesn't show physically then no-one will really understand whats going on in my head.

No-one can see the images i see - reliving the past, the damage i caused, the incidents that happened, the stress of being chased my police after absconding, sleeping in a church yard over night when i was on a section 3 and should have been on the ward. No-one can see the thoughts i have, the things i really want to do. How i want to damage my arms, expect if i started wearing long sleeves again now, especially when i go to the gym constantly - it would be too obvious.

I need to go to bed. i can feel that crying myself to sleep is the only way to release this tonight & i know as soon as my head hits the pillow, if not before, the tears will be falling.

Eating Out & Distraction

Its mum & D's anniversary today & mum wouldn't shut up about me not going out to dinner with them. So to keep her quiet (as usual) i relented and went. Now i severely wish i hadn't.

It started fine, but then D ordered a started and expected me to share it. It was 5 chunks of bread with oil, vinegar and salt for dipping. I said i didn't want a started but he kept offering it to me. I hate myself for it but i gave in. I only had the equivelent to about a large slice of bread, a bit of the vinegar and some salt. So i'd safe certainly no more than 200 kcal tops.

As a main i'd order a starter portion anyway, but as i was eating in all i could think was "the fat in this goats cheese" & "the oil in these dressings". Plus the rectangle of polenta had been fried, shallow not deep i think, but still greasy. And the veg had been oiled before roasting too. Why can't people cook anything without oil thesedays?

Then what really got me all over the place, was i saw Susie. Thankfully she was there with friends who weren't work collegues, so there wasn't anyone else who might have recognised me. My intention was to order a starter and then maybe have pudding later. But as soon as i saw her I didn't want to eat another thing. I felt so self conscious. Part of me wanted her to see me in heels, tight jeans and a lowish cut top rather than the state she normally sees me in when i need to see her. But all of a sudden i just wanted to get out of there. I didn't want pudding & luckily there wasn't anything i really fancied, but i didn't want to sit and linger like mum & D were either.

I was so distracted after i'm seen her. I don't know why. She knows me well, we get on, i trust her - she's totally lovely. So why did i freak out?

Food should have been too much of a worry. So far i'd had junst under 1000 kcal, so still had about the same again to go. Plus i'd been for a run before lunch which including the warm up & cool down too burnt 370 kcal according to my HRM. So even after the bread i still had 800 at least to go. Yet i couldn't eat anything more after my starter - which was my main course and i still can't now i'm home.

I don't want to eat out again. The way i felt after, the stress..... I came home and immediately changed into my PJs, i wiped the mascara, a rare bit of make-up, that i had applied. I needed to be be back in something where i couldn't feel the waistband digging into the flabby tyre around my waist and making the scars on my stomach so irritated that i just want to scratch and scratch. I didn't want to be in my own body or skin really.

I need to lose the tyre, yet still can't seem to. Powerplate, weights, running - nothing is working. I've given up on the metabolism-boosting-normal-amount-of-calories eating, and it's back to under 1200 if i can but certainly under 1500. Only 5 days until the london ED clinic now, hoping i get to seen the dietician on that day too.


Focusing on one thing really is an issue right now - 2 hours after starting this post i'm going to actually hit "publish post".

"Raised Gluc"

On further inspection, during a calmer moment, i saw the comment on the blood form for the fasting test said

"Raised Gluc"

I've racked my brains trying to remember my order of events for that day. I saw J at 11am but before that i went for a run.

According to my running stats, i went for a 20 min run at 9.25am. So i wouldn't have got home until 10am which means by the time i'd had a shower, got dressed and dried my hair i wouldn't have had time to sit down and eat.

My food diary shows breakfast finishing with a Jordan bar which is my pre run carbs. then next thing in the food diary is a banana, which i either had after getting back from J, and i think this is more likely having just had bloods taken too.

So if my glucose was still high after a run - something is certainly wrong.

Its not all in my head

Postman's just been. Including a letter from J.

She wants me to have a fasting blood test, which means the normal blood test picked something up. I've never had to have a fasting blood test before. I wish i knew why she wanted me to have it. But i will have to wait 36 hours before i can either call or go to the surgery to find out.

I think i'd rather hear it from J than a receptionist.

part of me is concerned something is very wrong. Another part of me is releived that there may be a reason & an answer, & that its not just a case of me trying to get used to extra weight which is very unwelcome weight.

Have to wait until monday for the blood test too as the phlebotomy centre is only open monday to friday, but i shall be up there first thing as i want to get the results back as soon as i can.

I'm not sure how i feel now. not sure whether the relief or worry is stronger.

Brain Swimming now Sinking

Bloods taken, results in a week.

Physio referal, wait and see.

Run though pain, just keep going. Must keep training.

Ice x3 daily, reduce inflamation which J confirmed.

Detail everything that passes my lips.

Detail all exercise.

Lose the extra weight - about 14lb/7kg.

Referal to London, hope it comes soon.

Appointment with TP & Dr L, dreading the looming nightmare situation.

Appointment with M tomorrow.

Hair appointment friday - DO NOT let mum pay!

Drop mum & D to airport early Saturday, go to D's work Saturday morning.

Survive 3 and a half days completely alone.

Get head around new staff at the surgery - a job that could have been mine if i hadn't got too close to the place. More new people who don't know or understand. Who's leaving to make room? Who am i going to have to get over leaving now?

Can i handle going to that place to see K anymore?

Keep up the volunteering.

Get a Job.

Keep the job.

Get some qualifications.

Earn some money.

Pay off debts.

Stay in control.

Stop crying.


GET A FUCKING GRIP!

feeling special/loved

i don't know why but when people shorten my name i feel special and loved.

H, a practice nurse at the surgery rang a minute ago. She called wanting to speak to mum. I don't know whether she recognised my voice or just associated the address in front of her with me after all the years i've known her and seen her, but she asked for me, Susie Belle, then it changed to Mum Belle, then mum's real name (obviously mum and I now have different surnames once she married D). Once i had said that no, it wasn't mum, H said;

"sorry sue"

that shortening of my name has a really strange effect on me. Its almost like it makes me go weak at the knees. I feel more loved and cared about for some reason. I feel important and special.

On the less positive side, i then felt like i wanted to see H - there is no reason for me to see her unless........... *sigh* i doubt i'll get the job - either of the positions, but i can keep dreaming........

Tablets

As you may be able to tell from the title, it's not happy things in Susie's world right now. So if you are of a nervous (or too caring/a worrier) disposition then i suggest you read no further. And please no comments of go to hospital, just in case - because ITS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!!

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(isn't that pretty)

I'm falling, fast. Or rather i think i've fallen. 3 x 3 stitches in the last week. Lots of punching and hitting (not a lot else you can do whilst driving and trying to make your way home without crashing the car as in 2005).

I admitted to M today that the last 2 nights i've downed a handful of ibruprofen (with no affect i might add) and for some reason i feel the urge to do it again. I can't tell you why. That i do not know. All i know is the dissociation is getting worse. Monday whilst driving, Tuesday morning which sitting at home and worst episode was during psychotherapy session with TP.

Of that i recall very little other than the tunnel vision, bright lights and a dog barking, which is interesting because its in a building where that is a long way off the high street with a dental surgery in front and a car park behind. In all my years of going there, which is about 6 now - i have never heard any noise from outside the building. I was brought back to life by TP's next patient outside the door saying something about her car and needing to be there at quarter past the hour. I started to think that he had doubled booked. My appointment was at 3.10pm and i thought that it must be about 3.30pm which was why she was getting stressed because at 4.15pm she had to sort her car out.

No - it seems it was 4.10pm already and i'd been there an hour not 15 minutes as i thought. My thoughts about it now?

Oh Shit what did i say in that hour?
What the hell did i tell him?
How much information have i divulged that i really didn't mean to?

Perhaps thats why another handful of tablets seems insignificant. I want to escape this even more than my brain is already trying to help me do.

What i don't want to do is have mum find me again & end up in hospital with her thinking she's watch me die. I don't want to go to Shitty Ward either.

But hugs aren't enough to soothe things i've found. I was praying it would be. I thought that all i needed was a pair of safe arms to cry into. I've found those safe arms, which i'm probably just clinging onto because i feel so vulnerable right now, but yesterday it wasn't enough comfort. Today it felt better but there were other people around. I don't get sympathy off of Mrs A but i think thats a good thing, however she is happy to put her arm round me - which then caused me to cry further. There is someone else, another T, who i would willing go to for comfort right now, but she is almost 6 months pregnant and its not been straight forwards for her, so i can't put anything on her right now. But i think i would get the comfort. I need to learn that it isn't going to save me though.

Having said all of the above - want to hear something really funny? I've just redone my CV and written a covering letter. I'm applying for a job!

Ha Ha Ha!

There's nothing else you can say to that really.

Please don't leave now.

Just when i'm falling apart, my stupid obsessive googling makes me panic more.

I saw M today & just decided to put her into google...... How many people with M's full name can there be working for my area's NHS mental health trust? The headline of the article i found says

"specialist nurse appointed to deliver dementia care in [my area]"

The opening line of the article which was published on July 9th 2010 then says

"Dr M, who has more than 20 years experience in the NHS....."

well i know she does lots of study along side work, as she has study days often & sometimes mentions assignments that are overdue, so she could have a PHD and be a doctor.

I'm so worried now that i'm going to lose someone who has been a major support to me over the last 3 years. She hasn't mentioned anything, and i would have thought would have by now if she were leaving. I don't think she'd leave it until the last minute to say anything because i'm sure she'd know how i'd react.

Me and my stupid obsessiveness with the internet. The internet is bad for you. Google is damaging.





I can't cope with out knowing M is there at the moment, even if i don't call her in the mean time (mainly because there is nothing she could do anyway if i called in a crisis) - i still know that we have an appointment in a weeks time. Its the reassurance i need right now.

Grounding

my thoughts are slipping away from me and the black clouds are creeping in. I cried so much yesterday that i barely shed a tear when i saw J 45 minutes ago.

Yesterday is a blur of tears, clouded over by mold dissociation where i struggled to focus to drive to the gym at the end of the day, with the only control over my mind being brought about by harm. When that amount of damage doesn't hurt, i know it's time to be concerned.

Today is clear and i feel awake but totally numb, the tears shed this afternoon are nothing in comparison to yesterday.

I'm not sure which is preferable - the severe distress of yesterday or the numbness of today.

The words i spoke to J felt cold and rational, in total contradiction to the content of those sentences about losing control & nose diving in mood. Even talking to her couldn't bring me back to normality or find me some comfort. Another sign i need to watch out.




I think i kept it inside for too long. Holding things together & keeping them to yourself doesn't protect people in the long run.

11 other people

Thats how many other people there are in the house right now. I need to escape. I can't go running for a few reasons.

1. I don't have any trainers with me
2. Its so hot and humid i'm sweating already!
3. I had my nails done today - toenails too and i'm going to feel so guilty if i damage them before the wedding, especially as someone else paid for it!

I feel fat and horrible. Each day i tell myself that today is the day to slip under the radar and not each. I managed slightly this evening by having just salad, containing a boiled egg but fell down with the bread and butter probably equivilent to about 3 slices. Managed to regain control over dessert by just having the strawberries and not the cream or sponge cake.

Started the day with a bowl of cereal and fruit, then sushi & edamame beans and a beetroot juice for lunch, but lots of snacking on cheese curds and also some fruit.

Over all not bad today, but previous days have included chocolate cake and apple pie for dessert.

I think another reason i'm falling apart is the lack of email contact from M today. Maybe she wants to try not to email back too much, to get me to manage on my own. Right now i could harm myself to a severe degree to cope with whats going on. I have no-one i can talk to, there is a mental health crisis line in this town, but no charity drop in.

For the second night i think i need to go and cry, but whilst doing a few sit ups. Hopefully a bonus to 11 other people is that i will not be missed!

All i need to do now is make sure i delete this webpage from the history of this laptop. I didn't do it on the other laptop but i don't think the mother is savy enough to know where to look, however i think the daughter probably is. Deleting the whole internet history is too obvious that i'm hiding something though.

I want to go home....... only 10 days to go.

My favourite rule breaker

She always took her lanyard & name badge off when she took me out, escorting me to the shops, for a walk or even to the hospital canteen.

She always had perfect (fake) nails. I'd sit at her feet if there was no room on the sofa and she'd tickle/scratch the back of my neck.

She used to wear Burberry Weekend perfume, which is a fragrance that comforts me to this day. The memories of her breaking more rules, giving me a hug almost every shift i saw her.

Today i was reminded why i don't got to Hospital Town. Not only are there too many bad memories, people i don't want to be reminded of or ever meet again, but there are a few (literally 3 or 4) people who bring tears to my eyes every time i see them.

I saw her before she spoke to me.

"Hi Su."

She was pushing a wheelchair with an elderly lady clearly from the hospital, as she was still wearing hey lanyard & name badge whilst taking this lady around the supermarket to get her shampoo (which is typically the only reason we were actually there!).

I felt a wave of anxiety take over me and a surge of tears just fighting their way past my eyelashes. Mum looked at me and told me that it was in the past and to "leave it there." I told her that i wasn't going to even bother trying to explain what was going on in my head (and why i was about to burst into tears) but that the reason seeing CaS was upsetting because "she was one of the few staff who gave a shit".

I held it back so much, had i been on my own i would have walked out of the shop there and then and sobbed my heart out in my car. Today i couldn't though. I can't let mum see how much things are really affecting me, like when we bumped into Boss from the farm during lunch.

I'm really starting to struggle in hiding and supressing a heck of a lot of crap. I want to fall apart so badly, but i can't upset mum and i have to make sure Nan gets her 2 week holiday in July, and even after that i can't fall apart because i would still hurt them too much. Mum said it was in the past and to leave it there much i don't think she realises how close things always feel to S ward becoming a reality again. It's not as close as last November but its always a possibility.

Once you've been on the books, you always are.

Time waiting vs Time seen.

3 appointments so far this week.

Time spent in waiting rooms (and library/randomly wandering around) = 100 minutes

Time spent talking to people in appointments = 95


Thats more time spent waiting that get issues solved! Ok perhaps i should justify that slightly.

Appointment 1, on Monday, was an emergency appointment to sovle a medical issue which i couldn't put up with any longer. Having been told to arrive at 6pm, i guess she was running later than she was when i got the appointment at 4pm, hence why i had to wait 50 minutes to see her. Sadly she had no magical cure and its still driving me mad tonight!!!

Appointment 2 was Terry Pratchett who finally turned up after 30 minutes. I know problems happen like getting blocked in by someone in a hospital car park, but when you know you need to be able to get somewhere later on in the day (i.e to my appointment) then don't park in a place where someone will block you in - or leave a note in your windscreen saying you need to leave at a certain time!)

Appointment 3 was today with M. Not her fault that the girl before my turned up half hour late (having mistaken they fact that her appointment would be between 2.30pm and 3pm - not as she took it to mean - starting anywhere between those 2 times!)
So being the kind, considerate, try-to-please-any/everybody sort of person i am i offered to wait. M said she'd girl the girl 5 mins and i thought it unlikely but came inside to wait anyway. When M reappeared (after the girl's mother had then appeared too) she asked me to wait 20 minutes, so i suggested i'd go to the library. Honestly i am more than happy to walk...... the fact that i've done 3 hours at the gym and haven't eaten a single thing yet today.......more reasons to move and be active is fine with me!

So there you are and i still have one more appointment to go on Friday with K. I'm first on her list at 8am so fingers crossed, unless she gets called to an emergency first thing (knowing my luck this week........) all should be ok & i should be to the gym on time.

I think i must either be A) very overweight or B) making it up because no-one actually seem to be bothered about my lack of food and enthusiam for exercise. So therefore, if it isn't bothering anyone then its absolutely FINE!!!!

No chance to say good bye?

I found out a little while ago over lunch time conversations in the garden that F has retired.

Another trusted person gone. Its been a while since i had anyone leave - last person was Dr PJ, who left me heartbroken. F's departure isn't quite as devastating but it means the surgery are no longer doing blood tests. Which will mean having to go to the local hospital.

I trust F with my scars, she's seen them increase over the years, but she's also seen the ones on my arms stop increasing and fade to one colour. She's struggled to find my veins when they've disappeared due to a BMI of 13.

It takes years to build up that trust and let someone touch my arms. Other than then, no-one really does touch my arms.

I'm sat in the garden with Mum and D but the tears are building, time to make my excuses and run away inside.....

What happened to you?

I bumped into a MH nurse who worked on the PICU when i was down there. Actually at the time she was a mature student nurse. I recall her being so kind & caring, warm and comforting, so i decided not to shy away and avoid her but to say hello.

We talked while she packed & paid for her shopping and continued talking as we walked to our cars. But she wasn't anything like i remember, and now works for the crisis team having qualified. There was no warmth, less compassion, more synicism, firmness and detachment. Is this what happens 6 years after qualifying, or has she just been working with all the other miserable jobs worths at my local MH unit?

She was one of the first to offer me comfort when i was upset, yet now it was as though it was all in my head - Ok, so mental health issues are in your head, but you know what i mean - as though i made it up, and was using my past as a sofa. She was saying about how i had learnt certain behaviours and now depended on them, even if this was subconsciously. Maybe i do or maybe things have changed in the last 6 years and she doesn't know me anymore.

I hope i'm not the person she knew 6 years ago and i hope she's not really turned into the cold person she came across as.

Putting my skills to use

After seeing susie today she & J (who popped in to get something from the treatment room while i was there - twice!) told me that me medical skils are wasted. Susie said she could tell the difference between the doctors care & my own. She asked me whether i had thought about getting into nursing. I mentioned to her about my dreams of being a paramedic, but commented how i didn't think anyone would touch me with my mental health history. She told me i wouldn't know unless i tried.

I have various thoughts on this - firstly it brings back nightmare memories of working as a HCA on a hospital ward - admittedly i didn't have any support, despite never having done anything like that before. When i turned up the manager didn't even know i was starting, so i was thrown in the deepest end possible. Anyway i lastest 2 months before what could have been a fatal breakdown (and goodness knows how it wasn't - or rather it wasn't for me, but it was for the car!). So i don't think i'd want to work on a ward again, but maybe a healthcare assistant in a general practice while i find my feet and get my life on track.

What i was really day dreaming about was being a specialist self harm nurse, so to speak - although i think i just invented that job title! I can seem to find out any info on whether i would be allowed to use my skills as an HCA - so without going the full nursing degree.

Trouble is as soon as i start looking at things like Uni and degrees i get in a state and start crying. Because most uni courses want A levels which i don't have. Which is why nursing, or medicine as susie suggested seems so far out of the question and from a couple of years time it will be the same for paramedic qualifications too. This generally means i get totally dispondant and give up on any idea of it at all.

Who am i kidding? no-one is going to touch me with a barge pole, no matter how good my medical/nursing/emergency care skills are.

reasons not to see a psychologist

i have 6 (or is it 7?) of them right now. put there by a doctor, with the help of a nurse - and actually my help too because the light was broken to i held it up & stopped it hitting them on the head. I would have fixed things myself & went asking for them to simply give me the things i needed to fix myself, but they wouldn't let me & simply took the 20 mins out of their appointments to do it for me.

I could have sworn Susie (yes we're both called susie) had a tear in her eye as i left. I was crying as she was saying how she wish i could just meet a nice young man and live happily ever after. She said she felt of when she realised she'd been picking up my pieces over the last 10 years.

I was more upset that i didn't want things to go back to how they were 10 years ago, when i was needing their help every week. But i've agree to go back and see Susie in 10 days & she made me appointment with K for friday - its time to stop kidding myself. Maybe the appointment today wasn't such a bad thing - maybe it was time for me to let go and show how much i'm holding inside.

However mum does think i actually found it ok today - little does she know! because i am seeming quite cheerful. I think i may be overacting a little too much.

Susie & the doc did say i should give my 4 hours at the gym a rest tomorrow - but my 6/7 reasons survived a jog tonight so as long as i'm careful - plus once i've done some shopping tonight online i can always replace them if there are any problems.

Sorry if its cryptic but i can't even type things honestly - i don't want to admit it - plus i still feel i can't type the truth with mum & D in the room, even though they are eating dinner & paying no attention to me, and haven't a clue what i'm typing!