Destiny

Seems i'm destined to be F-A-T!!

Even after uping my protein in take, there has been no difference in either the scales or the sensible method which is my nice Laura Ashley trousers than i want to fit back into.

The dietician came up with no suggestions and simply advised not cutting back any further.

The blood tests were all fine. J suggested i just need to adjust to things but how can i when i've never been this big in my life. She tried to ease my distress by reminding me that it's normal to gain weight at my age, having recently finished growing etc but that didn't stop the tears falling and when she took my hand, it just seemed to hurt all the more.

I've working as hard as i can at the gym - despite a chesty cough a & a sprained ankle over the last few days, although pain killers masked that - but its taking triple doses of caffeine tablets to get me there (it genuinely slipped my mine about that when talking to J tonight). I did 2 classes and 30 minutes in the gym today & i struggled with that. I was going to give it a rest tomorrow but given that there is no physical cause for anything, then it seems i have no choice but to try and work through the ankle pain (i found the recumbant bike was ok for that, less pressure on the ankle) at the gym after college tomorrow.

I'm eating 75% of the recommened calorie intake for women, so why isn't anything changing at all.

When i suggested it was my body punishing me for starving myself for those 3 years, J didn't think it was anything to do with my past.

Mum's just come home, and failing to hid my tears I've just told her what happened with J (minus the bit when she took my hand), and just like J, mum has no suggestions.

No-one does.

According to calculators online (yes, i know i probably shouldn't wind myself up like that...) just with my calorie deficit each day, i should be losing about a lb a week.

I'm shattered, bunged up, have a sort throat and my ankle feels like its going to drop off. what i'd really like right now is a ready meal for dinner because i so can't be arsed - plus i don't want to stand in the kitchen on one leg and cook.

But instead i'm going to look up something to do with an aubergine (not that anything tastes like it should right now) and contemplate skipping college tomorrow and spending all day at the gym. Although if i screw up this course it will just be another failure to add to the list.

I just want to say one final thing - something thats no about me and totally self centered and self pittying! To all my bloggy friends who i know are struggling right now (i can think of 4 off the top of my head, but if i name them i know there will be others i've forgotten!) take care (hypocrit i know) and sending you all virtual hugs.

"Have a break. Have a K!tk6t." (or just sleep)

Things may be a tad quiet around here for a bit. All energies (and artificial energies) are being focussed in one place right now. A place i feel safe (so of the time, depending who i'm with), a place i know i can't over eat, a place i know i'm doing good things and a place i can hit things! Only one thing i can't really do which tend to happen when i leave which is cry.

I think the crying is partly due to exhaustion but also due to keeping a straight face and "happy" face for at least 2 hours. There are certain people i trust enough to see the tears, but i know they are people who understand, people who have let me into their pasts slightly and let me know that they've been there in one way or another too. Plus T gives me hugs, which i woule never turn down.

People (& my body) are telling me that i should perhaps slow down a bit and take it easy. My body decided to show me this by sleeping for 90 minutes - thats an hour and a half! - yesterday afternoon for the afternoon 'nap'. I'm relying on pain killers and pain killing gels more and more. I keep telling myself it will be worth it in the end but after 2 months i'm seeing nothing - If anything i've grown even bigger.

Time to get ready for another morning of hard work.

Selfish or sensible?

A blog came through my RSS feed this morning that (for some reason) I'd subscribed to recently by another girl/young woman, in the UK who has an eating disorder. It was a pretty general post but the content and photos left me feeling almost angry, or perhaps now i think of it, jealous.

I've come to the conclusion that i do not want to read or see photos of suffers who are underweight. I have never posted photos of myself when i was at a very low weight here mainly because i looked so horrendous but of course also to try and keep my anonymity. But even in places where i am open and myself, i have only recently posted photos of myself, now that i am a healthy weight, only if they don't show my protruding stomach which is where the weight has decided to position itself right now. Looking at this photo made me want to comment on the blog.

"Why would post a photo of yourself when you look like a dress with 2 sticks for arms and 2 sticks for legs?!"

"You say you want to recover, yet you talk about doing great periods of exercise & still wanting increase that exercise. Looking at the photo, you should be on bed rest!"

My immediate reaction was anger, in that the person didn't really want to recover (which i guess is a very possible underlying truth) and that i wanted to scream "I've done it so why can't you??!!!"

But then when i started typing this post and tried to identify my anger (too much therapy over that last 10 years, i could get a job as one myself these days!) i began to question the anger. Was it anger or was it jealous? Was i jealous that she still had the power and self control over food? That she was able to keep her weight low? Where as i now just enjoy food too much.....

I wanted to say "you can just start eating again" but the tried to remember how i felt when i was that weight. I wanted to start eating again but there was this invisible force that stopped me and forced me to tears instead. I tried to recall all those people who didn't understand me and didn't comprehend how i supposedly (and honestly) had no appetite. If someone one had told me to just eat another apple or even try a banana, i know that all i could say to them would be "Its not that easy." and carry on crying inside.

I feel guilty for feeling this way, i feel like i'm not being understanding of their situation, which seems ridiculous when i've been there for the last 3 years. It also almost reiterates my feelings of being a fraud and a fake. Something in my mind says "If you feel this way and can't show any empathy then maybe you weren't really anorexic. After all you were only underweight for 3 years and only got help for 2 years of that. You weren't a proper anorexic". The fact that i reached a critical BMI of 12 doesn't seem to feature now that those digits are reversed (yep, from 12 to 21 in about 4/5 months!).

I'm not saying when you start eating again (like a bull in a china shop) that its plain sailing, for the first couple of months i was convinced i was going to kill myself because i felt so out of control. My self harm escalated again, not to the state that it had been before the eating disorder, however the fact that it had become at least weekly again was a sign of the struggle (not that i told anyone about that until last week). But i really do believe if you ever do feel that urge to just eat, find some support and just go for it, because once you awaken your appetite although its terrifying and feels like it will never stop, it does settle down. 5 months ago i was sobbing, asking people how long it would take, wishing i'd never started eating again, but i know it was the best thing to happen. I really would love to post a photo of my progress but i really don't think i can do it without revealing some clues to my identity. I'll have to work out a way of tracing my outline and posting that rather than the actual photo!

Anyway its breakfast time (well, once mum & D get downstairs), its the weekend & i fancy pancakes!!!! Its been so long since i had sweet pancakes, possibly not for the last 3 years at least! And my 2 attempts at buckwheat pancakes for dinner don't count! No lemon juice but i do have limes in the fridge, and i'm still debating between sweetner & sugar (actually i have some light sugar which is half sweetner and half sugar) some old habits are still hard to break.

I hope everyone is well & Lola, can you see through the boxes yet?!

take care,

Susie
xxx

ED Bites - Scared into gaining weight

Carrie over at ED Bites recently mentioned that she would be posting a series on the Biology of EDs including health complications.

I made a comment on the post and in response, today, Carrie has shared her views on my hope that reading something about medical complications may just scare me into gaining weight.

It doesn't sound harsh at all Carrie, as i believe there's no point in pussy-footing around issues. As i've said to mum when i've watched her looking at me and thinking things, it's no good keeping thoughts inside, even if they may hurt the other person - I guess i tell her that because then it gives me permission to get things out that i really need to say to her!

I understand everything Carrie says and i think i probably knew it already. I certainly knew the short answer and probably the basics of the long answer (but didn't want to admit it). When i think about things now, in fact just recently i found myself thinking "well, thats another one to cross off the consequences/complications list".

As for finding help. I have it in some ways. Well, i have support there if i need it rather than someone encouraging and helping me to impliment plans, which gives ED an easy route really. M, is more like a normal CPN, who just happens to see only people with EDs and my GP keeps an eye on me once a month. Short of being hospitalized to either an ED unit (which, although M says i'm not sectionable in her opinion right now, i fear it may come to) or to a general ward due to medical complications, i think both Carrie's answers will continue to apply.

Thank you Carrie, for responding to a remark that i could probably explained myself, should i have chosen to be totally honest.

Feeling Clever

I know it's nothing amazing but the fact that i've managed to do this makes me feel pleased with myself - which is a rare thing these days.

Due to my paranoia about being 'discovered' by family or friends who i feel should be protected from the inner workings of my messed mind, I have set up a completely separate account with my new name "Susie Belle".

Susie refers to a family member who i have often been told i am like and is very close to my heart, and i expect always will be.

Belle, is a disney character who i can clearly identify with. It has been one of my favourite musicals since i was a young child and i'm suprised my VHS of it hasn't worn out! These days i've got the sheet music and have sung songs from that in a young musician competition (i didn't win, it seemed they liked classical rather than musicals). In the song entitled "Belle" there are so many lyrics i can identify with, here's a brief selection:

TOWNSFOLK
Look there she goes that girl is strange, no question
Dazed and distracted, can't you tell?
WOMAN
Never part of any crowd
MAN
'Cause her head's up on some cloud
TOWNSFOLK
No denying she's a funny girl that Belle

BELLE
There must be more than this provincial life!

TOWNSFOLK
Look there she goes that girl is so peculiar
I wonder if she's feeling well
With a dreamy, far-off look
And her nose stuck in a book
What a puzzle to the rest of us is Belle

SHOPKEEPER
But behind that fair facade
I'm afraid she's rather odd
MAN
Very diff'rent from the rest of us
TOWNSFOLK
She's nothing like the rest of us
Yes, diff'rent from the rest of us is Belle!

TOWNSFOLK
Look there she goes
The girl is strange but special
A most peculiar mad'moiselle!
WOMEN
It's a pity and a sin
MEN
She doesn't quite fit in
TOWNSFOLK
'Cause she really is a funny girl
A beauty but a funny girl
She really is a funny girl
That Belle!


So there we are, i have a name and hopefully my secrets are safe (unless of course it's too late!)