Time to resurface

It's time to resurrect Susie. I disappeared not because i wanted to to but because i screwed up. I managed to send an email to my whole personal address book but from my blog account. I am praying very hard that no-one then googled the name & blog and that if they have, they respect my privacy enough to not read it when i release the gag on Susie Belle - or at least even if they do read & know my true identity that they keep very very quiet about it & bascially pretend they have never even read it! Even when speaking to me, if i thought i was speaking to someone who knew my inner thoughts i really do think i would be tipped over the edge.

That's partly why Susie is coming out of hiding because there is too much going around in my head & i have nowhere to put that stuff. I can't tell people whats really going on, I'm ashamed of what goes around in my head & i'm terrified of what people will think of me. There is, however, still that part of me that wants to show people i'm really struggling. Its that part of me that wants to self destruct, cause damage to the point where i need physical help to cope with the injury i've caused. I could go to someone for sutures yet still i don't. That isn't severe enough to warrant outside help, i can deal with that myself. The chemical burn issue is still in my head but all that happened last time was i ended up making 30 mile round trips to a plastic surgery unit & wasting petrol & i have barely enough money for petrol as it is right now. Plus i can't be bothered with the hassle of extra appointments. I seem to have enough of those right now. I'm sure i'll get to the point where i lose control enough & dissociate from my actions to the point where i need help eventually. I normally do when i feel things building like this.

I requested my notes from the sessions with TP a while back & i got them last week. The only real information i got was a summary letter from TP to Dr L, which was actually quite enlightening & kind of changed my opinion of him, or at least made me see him in a slightly different light. However of course this has then been playing on my mind, to the point that he appeared in my nightmare the other night. It was as though i was watching from above.

I was in his office & he was asking me to redo a computing profiling assessment. He was calm, kind, almost affectionate, telling me that he would know if i had lied in my answers. He then left the room, saying he needed to get something from the secretary. After he left the background voice (my own voice) started on about the fact that someone was watching me. I got up looked around the room, checking for cameras trying to reassure myself that i was being paranoid. However i didn't spot the pinhole camera which was feeding ack to TP outside. The background voice kept on and i lost my temper, grabbing a letter opener on TP's desk and started stabbing my thigh. TP ran in & tried to restrain me, yet i was as though i didn't see him there, like i was no longer in control of my actions. He tried to get me to focus on him but it was like he didn't exist & i just kept fighting. Other staff members soon followed and assisted in the restraint.

It has left me slightly confused. Did i make a mistake in not going to the last session? Should i have tried harder? But think about how i felt after each session. I needed sutures after each one and the nightmare has caused the same problem. In one of the final sessions i dissociated and recall little of the session, other than a dog barking & his next patient arriving (except i thought we were at the beginning & he had doubled booked). I'm going to show M the letter & brief attendance details, where the final entry says 'split off', as she has still seen nothing about the sessions despite being my care co-ordinator. There is one thing that really concerns me in the letter "When we came to the end of the three additional meetings following her discharge from hospital..." WHAT??!! I don't recall being in hospital in 2010! I went abroad for 2 weeks but i don't recall any other time away anywhere. I am hoping that this is a mistake on his part & that i haven't blocked something else out. One of the first things to check with M.

I think thats enough for now. I should really be getting myself to the gym. 2 hours worth today. I'm shattered but it still doesn't feel like enough although i am nearly back down to 53kg only 3 more to where i want to be - where i should be. Its been bloody hard work though, even harder when you are mentally exhausted. Ever tried doing a step class with images of the nightmares from the night before flashing before your eyes? Not easy & not easy to hide from those who know you either. B said she could see i was struggling with something & left me alone, probably a good job too as i would have cried i expect. She's the little comfort i get right now, and sometimes i wish she didn't get me that, as i just want more. I want a full blown hug, but instead i leave the gym and some my heart out in my car before driving home. Maybe one day she'll catch me, not that the comfort i crave is going to solve anything & take it away. Plus she has enough going on with her eldest anyway, she doesn't need me & my issues.

Brain Swimming now Sinking

Bloods taken, results in a week.

Physio referal, wait and see.

Run though pain, just keep going. Must keep training.

Ice x3 daily, reduce inflamation which J confirmed.

Detail everything that passes my lips.

Detail all exercise.

Lose the extra weight - about 14lb/7kg.

Referal to London, hope it comes soon.

Appointment with TP & Dr L, dreading the looming nightmare situation.

Appointment with M tomorrow.

Hair appointment friday - DO NOT let mum pay!

Drop mum & D to airport early Saturday, go to D's work Saturday morning.

Survive 3 and a half days completely alone.

Get head around new staff at the surgery - a job that could have been mine if i hadn't got too close to the place. More new people who don't know or understand. Who's leaving to make room? Who am i going to have to get over leaving now?

Can i handle going to that place to see K anymore?

Keep up the volunteering.

Get a Job.

Keep the job.

Get some qualifications.

Earn some money.

Pay off debts.

Stay in control.

Stop crying.


GET A FUCKING GRIP!

Confidentiality

This meeting is driving me insane. I had a good chat about it with M today. She offered to come to it - if i could get her an invite. But i'm still not sure i want to go myself. If i go i will spend the next 3 weeks stressing with no doubt more nightmares and on the day being the most horrendous person to live with, not want to be near anyone & then fall apart the next day because i will be trying my hardest to keep it together in front of mum & D.

If i don't go, however, i'm worried that things will be said & confidentiality will be broken without my permission. But if i make the decision that i am not going, now, then i won't have to stress for the next 3 weeks. If i don't go, i will find out my rights regarding confidentiality and then if mum & D come back knowing anything they shouldn't, i'll sue their arses off!

But even in the initial meeting back in january things were said that i didn't give them permission to divulge. I'd told Dr L during an appointment with her that Mum, D, Nan & Grandpa were the 4 reasons i was still alive & if they weren't around i really had no other reason. The depression has worn me down & if i hit a low patch & i was on my own then i don't think i'd see a rason to fight. I'm living my life for mum - which has often been said to me. Anyway Dr L came out with this before i could stop her back in january, and i can recall mentioning that i didn't want mum knowing when i was in my appointment with Dr L. So whether i'm there or not i think things will be said that i don't want said.

I think i need to find out my rights somehow, somewhere.




On the stressful/down side & in other news, M is refering me back to London to the ED unit. She she to refer me back to the unit generally so that i can see the dietician there. She thinks the guy there would be really good & might be able to help. My 2000 a day experiment has gained me nothing but 1.2kg in a week. Hippo-ness here i come! I want to just go back to restricting right this instant. But i can't just yet, i have to stick to 1800 to 2000 until i see the dietician, so i can show/prove that something is really wrong. I shouldn't gain on 2000 a day as it is, let alone with the amount of exercising & walking i do. M is baffled, hence the referal to the specialist again. I'm praying he will have an answer or suggestion but i'm dreading having to go to a place where there will be skinny women that will make me feel even more of a fat fraud.

Its hard enough leaving the house & finding clothes to wear that don't cling to me right now. I stood in the health food shop and cried today trying to decide on a snack to help me reach my 1800 target. It took me 10-15 mins in that shop to buy a simple Eat Natural bar. Its OK going to the gym because there are other people trying to fight the flab and it shows i'm trying my hardest to do something about it. No-one outsie the ED world really understands though. Afterall my BMI is 23.9 & still within the healthy range, so what am i so upset about? Only M truely knows what this is doing to me mentally. With the other issues too, i cried for about 75% of our hour & a half appointment today.

I am starting to think that unless i give in to the weight gain, i will have to live the rest of my life hungry.

Another reason i never want to see you again

No more secrets

from post secret

Dear Dr L, TP & CMHT admin staff... (explicit language)

Why can't they just leave me alone? I was doing fine again until the letter arrived about the dreaded meeting. And then when mum phoned to tell them about their screw up, they sent me another one - Don't send me another, just FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!

I know about the meeting so i don't need another letter, with a cover note, apologising for "any distress caused" You want to know about distress caused? I'll tell you. When i saw what it was i was fuming, the letter (and cover note) is now back in the envelope in little pieces. After taking my initial anger out on the pieces of paper, i sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I felt like i wanted to cry forever, like i couldn't cry enough to get the feelings out. Previously harming is a way to stop the tears - but you are not worth causing damage to myself over. I will not bare scars that are connected to you any more. Scars are only worthy of feelings & emotions about issues that have nothing o do with any of you.

So i went upstairs and lay on my bed with my tears soaking my pillow, it wouldn't surprise me if the pillow is still damp now. I cried all the way to the supermarket & then all the way back home again as i had forgotten the shopping bags where i was in such a mess.

I will not be coming to your meeting, i am going to find out my rights over what you can say without my presence & if i find out my mother knows any details i have shared with you, then i shall be making a formal complaint.

Every week i saw TP my mood plummeted & the harm i caused due to the feelings i felt - i do not need that. The mere thought of seeing any of you drags my mood down instantly & i can't hide that from mum. I do not need you weakening my defences.

I never wish to see any of you ever again.

P.S Dr L, you really need to sort out that midlife crisis, faded red/orange dyed hair. You used to look respectable, now you and your red tights, short skirts and disastrous hair cut and colour look like mutton dressed as lamb. Its actually laughable but in a sad pathetic way not a funny one.

They just don't leave you alone do they?

Once psychologists get in your head, they just won't leave you alone. Even when you are asleep!

Last night's "sleep" consisted of 3 dreams at least, one containing a school trip on a miniture train & a forest, although then we seemed to end up at the sea side in a town. I can't really remember clear details of any of them, but then that could be classed as a good thing because it means it wasn't so terrifying & gruesome that they have stuck in my mind (i can still see clear images of dreams from last week because part were more like a horror movie!) but then its also a bad thing because my mind over even more active than when i normally dream - i can't recall a night when there's been 3 dreams, 2 maybe but not 3 scenarios. There was also something about me trying to drive and someone had put hellium birthday balloons on my car and i only realised they were there when i started driving and they started popping!

The last one was about a party in this temporary house, the place was a tip yet i still managed to find some Baby Bel to eat......and then somewhere along the lines i became the hero after i caught the granny of the family as she started falling down the stairs. I caught her and then carried her down to the sofa. It then seemed to turn later into the local post office, there was a bit about sports cars outside and then i went in to the post office and was served by a young girl (she was actually the girl who works in the cafe in the village near the PO, and she's the biggest stuck up bitch ever. i really do not like her) who then tried to charge me for items that already had stamps on them!!

The middle scenario that feels most upsetting was where i was seeing TP (this is what i mean by then never leave you alone) and he came to the conclusion that my mental state and mental health issues plus the headaches and heartburn (which i did suffer a lot yesterday) were due to a physical health issue, he asked me if i had been checked for this condition and we then seemed to then go to the hospital where a nice doctor took my blood & asked me questions. I had changed into a hospital gown and it seemed like i was really ill, and i was left in this hospital bed to wait. They both eventually came back and confirmed that i had this blood condition which was causing all my problems, the depression and headaches too.

I don't really remember much after that dream - maybe that was when i woke up choking with a really dry throat. What has stuck in my mind is him. Do i feel guilty for cancelling that last appointment? Why should i? And anyway the TP in the dream was far more friendly and human rather than the TP i've been seeing. I'm not saying he was a total robot psychologist & non-human but in the dream he felt more like RSA, my previous psychologist who was also male - so its not even like a female/male thing. OR maybe it was the fact that he found a cause, a reason for everything i have felt, which in reality there still isn't and probably never will be.

Cancellation Time

I am finally, after about 8 sessions, going to pluck up courage and cancel an appointment with TP. I think i have finally reached my limits. After last sessions loss of time and the response (or lack of) that i got about that issue this week has made me decide to put a stop. Seems kind of silly as it is the final assessment session before a shared meeting between me, mum, D, TP & Dr L (which i am not totally intending to attend, although as far as i know no-one's officially told us of this meeting), in 3 weeks time.

Anyway after last week, all the previous outbursts after sessions & then his comments saying he wasn't sure whether the sessions were the right thing for me & his questioning of whether i wanted to turn up for the final session - I've decided, after having bought something to stop the tears and regain control that i'm not going to let them control me - any of them. I don't want to do sessions for mum anymore.

I don't care about damage right now. I'm angry at TP for not telling me much about what went on last week, but i want to scream and shout at the top of my lungs how awful i feel. But i can't do that without upsetting or worrying others, so it will have to be our little secret.

I still feel bad about not wanting my life, but sat there today i wanted it even less. Alone in that room with him i could be honest, i didn't have to pretend which meant i could let go, but back in the real world i came home to find D already home, which meant i had to grab some things out of my room and leave the house, but with no appointments with the nurse and very little first aid kit left..............oh it turned into a failed (mini) mess. There's always tomorrow though - when i will NOT fail.

Tablets

As you may be able to tell from the title, it's not happy things in Susie's world right now. So if you are of a nervous (or too caring/a worrier) disposition then i suggest you read no further. And please no comments of go to hospital, just in case - because ITS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!!

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(isn't that pretty)

I'm falling, fast. Or rather i think i've fallen. 3 x 3 stitches in the last week. Lots of punching and hitting (not a lot else you can do whilst driving and trying to make your way home without crashing the car as in 2005).

I admitted to M today that the last 2 nights i've downed a handful of ibruprofen (with no affect i might add) and for some reason i feel the urge to do it again. I can't tell you why. That i do not know. All i know is the dissociation is getting worse. Monday whilst driving, Tuesday morning which sitting at home and worst episode was during psychotherapy session with TP.

Of that i recall very little other than the tunnel vision, bright lights and a dog barking, which is interesting because its in a building where that is a long way off the high street with a dental surgery in front and a car park behind. In all my years of going there, which is about 6 now - i have never heard any noise from outside the building. I was brought back to life by TP's next patient outside the door saying something about her car and needing to be there at quarter past the hour. I started to think that he had doubled booked. My appointment was at 3.10pm and i thought that it must be about 3.30pm which was why she was getting stressed because at 4.15pm she had to sort her car out.

No - it seems it was 4.10pm already and i'd been there an hour not 15 minutes as i thought. My thoughts about it now?

Oh Shit what did i say in that hour?
What the hell did i tell him?
How much information have i divulged that i really didn't mean to?

Perhaps thats why another handful of tablets seems insignificant. I want to escape this even more than my brain is already trying to help me do.

What i don't want to do is have mum find me again & end up in hospital with her thinking she's watch me die. I don't want to go to Shitty Ward either.

But hugs aren't enough to soothe things i've found. I was praying it would be. I thought that all i needed was a pair of safe arms to cry into. I've found those safe arms, which i'm probably just clinging onto because i feel so vulnerable right now, but yesterday it wasn't enough comfort. Today it felt better but there were other people around. I don't get sympathy off of Mrs A but i think thats a good thing, however she is happy to put her arm round me - which then caused me to cry further. There is someone else, another T, who i would willing go to for comfort right now, but she is almost 6 months pregnant and its not been straight forwards for her, so i can't put anything on her right now. But i think i would get the comfort. I need to learn that it isn't going to save me though.

Having said all of the above - want to hear something really funny? I've just redone my CV and written a covering letter. I'm applying for a job!

Ha Ha Ha!

There's nothing else you can say to that really.

Hot chocolate

All i wanted was a hot chocolate to comfort me as i cry.

I just wanted to curl up in bed, put friends on, cry & take a little comfort from a warm drink, even though the temperature of the air is rather warm.

I turned up to the gym an hour and a half early for my class, and then didn't really get into the class when it finally happened.

I came home, stressed over the silly little thing i needed to do. Car Insurance, research tyre prices, finishes thank you letters......but all i really wanted to do was sleep.

My dreams last night left me with that low feeling hanging over throughout the morning & the nights brain activity left me exhausted too.

But i had to be at an appointment with TP for 4.15pm - although before then i had to return a library book, drop some things off at the charity shop &go to (stand in a long queue) at the post office.

TP was very interested in my dreams - The teacher who dropped everything so we could catch up, ignoring the headmaster & whole school she was supposed to address in assembly. She grabbed my hand and we ran off laughing. It felt safe but i woke up feeling sad because those safe feelings were not a reality.
The other dream I was having some kind of psychotic episode, seeing people & birds in the house. Yet they weren't really there. No-one else could see them & mum was telling me i was making things up.

I suppose TP made some sense when he talked about the dreams but they are not exactly too strange to try and interpret. I felt so angry when i left him & when i got in the car the tears came as normal. If the appointment hadn't been later in the day and i hadn't had another gym class at 6.15pm i don't doubt more serious damage that a few bite marks & a dead leg, would have been done. I just felt so angry, partly because i felt i'd let him in too much, like i was letting him win. But again is was just a surge of overwhelming emotion too.

Fortunately the class at the gym was a very high tempo class (constantly at about 140bpm if not more!) and i threw everything i had into it.

I arrived home, talked to mum & D about the tennis - to be asked "Have you done anything except watch the telly?"

Fuck you mum. Just because i don't work doesn't mean i watch TV all day.

And now the sodding kettle has broken so i've lost that little comfort that helps me get a smoother nights sleep.

Geting told off

Saturday morning, 8.30am, appointment with K.

It started well, and i confessed my sins (well most of them), discussing my gym addiction which she still doesn't seem to see as a totally bad thing and the ending of college which lead onto looking to the future and what it may hold.

Her view is that if i get offered more psychotherapy from TP then i should take it, but while i'm going through intensive psychotherapy, work is NOT an option. She praised me for taking the therapy on and got very angry when i tried to belittle it, as just someone else i was expected to talk to, which is how i feel everyone else sees it. But K has a completely different take and like i say she got quite angry, in fact i'm not sure i've seen her that cross before. Between us, i realised that she was the only one who saw how "very dangerous" psychotherapy potentially is to me. She really has set my head whirring today.

As i sat there the tears rolled down my face, a lot more than they have done in previous months.

She urged me to relook at the benefits i claim, because maybe i am entitled to more. Trouble is i don't feel entitled to what i get right now, and i'm not sure anyone else does either. I said to her that i can get in my car and go to the gym, so i should be able to go out and get a job too. But her stern & serious face said not.

So it all i got told off for:

• "rubbishing" everything i do/achieve
• rubbishing psychotherapy
• thinking i'm not entitled to things
• oh, and apologising when she said "now i should get on with the rest of my surgery"

But she ended on a positive, asking me to bring a couple of really photos back from my trip across the atlantic.

I feel kind of deflated being told those things, but the trouble is, i know that she probably knows me best out of all professionals and in fact anyone i know. I also know that she never says things lightly. She is a force to be reckoned with at that surgery & as much as the receptionists hate her sometimes for making their lives difficult, they also know she's bloody good at her job.

I know she wouldn't tell me to look into more benefits for no reason, she's not a soppy light touch and works extremely hard herself - sometimes i see her car parked outside the surgery from 8am until 8pm at night! She's hardly likely to encourage benefit scrounging now, is she??!!

Time waiting vs Time seen.

3 appointments so far this week.

Time spent in waiting rooms (and library/randomly wandering around) = 100 minutes

Time spent talking to people in appointments = 95


Thats more time spent waiting that get issues solved! Ok perhaps i should justify that slightly.

Appointment 1, on Monday, was an emergency appointment to sovle a medical issue which i couldn't put up with any longer. Having been told to arrive at 6pm, i guess she was running later than she was when i got the appointment at 4pm, hence why i had to wait 50 minutes to see her. Sadly she had no magical cure and its still driving me mad tonight!!!

Appointment 2 was Terry Pratchett who finally turned up after 30 minutes. I know problems happen like getting blocked in by someone in a hospital car park, but when you know you need to be able to get somewhere later on in the day (i.e to my appointment) then don't park in a place where someone will block you in - or leave a note in your windscreen saying you need to leave at a certain time!)

Appointment 3 was today with M. Not her fault that the girl before my turned up half hour late (having mistaken they fact that her appointment would be between 2.30pm and 3pm - not as she took it to mean - starting anywhere between those 2 times!)
So being the kind, considerate, try-to-please-any/everybody sort of person i am i offered to wait. M said she'd girl the girl 5 mins and i thought it unlikely but came inside to wait anyway. When M reappeared (after the girl's mother had then appeared too) she asked me to wait 20 minutes, so i suggested i'd go to the library. Honestly i am more than happy to walk...... the fact that i've done 3 hours at the gym and haven't eaten a single thing yet today.......more reasons to move and be active is fine with me!

So there you are and i still have one more appointment to go on Friday with K. I'm first on her list at 8am so fingers crossed, unless she gets called to an emergency first thing (knowing my luck this week........) all should be ok & i should be to the gym on time.

I think i must either be A) very overweight or B) making it up because no-one actually seem to be bothered about my lack of food and enthusiam for exercise. So therefore, if it isn't bothering anyone then its absolutely FINE!!!!

Theories to fit

Only 2 more sessions (although thats what he said last week) of seeing TP before the "extended assessment" period is over, and i can legitimately say i've given it a chance.

It became clear to me today that he doesn't know me at all despite trying to suggest he knows whats going on in my head & how i may have felt as a child etc.

This week as we were talking he came out with;

"You must feel very trapped having people around you and watching you instantly"

What the fuck??!!

"I'm on my own most of the day. I don't see mum btween 8.30am & 6pm or D between 8am & 5.30pm!" I replied

"Oh. Well, it must get very lonely being on your own most of the time."



Talk about changing your mind. He just seems to come out with more crap each week, when he's not falling asleep! Not so much of that this week, but then he was 30 minutes late, so we did only have half a session again. But i'm pretty sure he didn't hear anything i said about horses and the way they made me feel when i worked with them.

But i truely don't care anymore. i'm past being upset by the sessions - or maybe my mood has just slipped lower that the upset stage again. I just want it to be over now, i'm fed up with driving for 30 minutes for an appoinment that lasts only that length of time to then drive home for another 30 minutes, especially as its to do something i really don't want to do in the first place.

time to go to the gym before seeing M.

Signs of a bad shrink

In todays session examples were given as follows by Terry Pratchett:

1. Doing up of flies, obviously having seen he had forgotten to do so after returning from a bathroom break between clients. Good job i avoid eye contact, sadly i still have ears!
2. Falling asleep. Identified by closing of eye, nodding of head, turning off of heating, shifting position constantly etc etc. Sadly the lack of eye contact worked in his favour here - he probably thought i didn't notice a lot of the time, because i can't kep eye contact (or look in that general direction).

I have 2 theories about the sleeping thing. 1 is that he is genuinely crap. The other is that he was tricking me & because he thought that i thought he was asleep, he knew i would talk (because i thought he wasn't listening) more openly.

However we (unsuprisingly) didn't talk about anything new, covered the same old crap & i listened to the same old psychobable - even if there was less of it due to the napping, it was still the same old stuff.

And i left feeling just a shit, and cried all the way home yet again. Next question is how honest should i be when K calls me tomorrow morning?

Fall out

I'm seeing the fall out - or perhaps my brain has actually fallen out.

Confessed to the harm injuries to my first class instructor, who was a little worried but when i told her i'd completed a weeks worth of classes without ripping the stitches out and that i was kind of taking it easy she relaxed a little.

The brain was fine with aerobics but then i know the routine well after a month of it. Body Balance is slower so was easier to follow and i chose to do a strength card in the gym for half hour, with half an hour break which didn't actualy seem to help my brain. I just seemed to lose it in LBT. I lost concentration, could get the right lead leg and was starting to get a little pissed off.

i stumbled around tescos for half an hour (probably longer) trying to figure out what i could eat, and came away with a sugar free jelly, bag of mandarin & 2 boxes of porridge oats, which were on offer.

Somehow now its 5pm....... I know i didn't leave the gym until 1.40pm (i got there at 9.15am, perhaps i should just live there!) D will be home soon..... i think i've got lost this afternoon......i don't know where i went though.......

How the hell am i going to make it though college tomorrow?

5 more reasons

It became clear that an appointment with K, after the one with Terry Pratchett, wasn't going to stop me from the battle with me against my subconscious.

Terry Pratchett..... i don't really remember. I was freezing cold, shivering by the end. Having waited 30 minutes before someone decided they would check to see if he was actually free. Stupid CMHT. Started off talking about my emotional attachment to mum. Now other that living under the same roof, physically i don't rely on her too much, emotionally neither - other than the fact i feel more comfortable & safer living here, knowing she is coming home at about 6pm each day. I actually think he came to the conclusion that mum needs more help on that issue than me. But then if i do things that worry/scare her how can she be expected not to worry! At one point he told me i was answering the question fairly openly but with respect to what happened not how i felt, and asked me if i realised i was doing that. He asked me what happened - I told him - had he said "how did you feel specifically....?" well that's obviously a different question!

We then drifted onto self harm, when/how it started etc etc. i told him the "first cut" story & things seemed to end shortly after that. I think i may have glazed over and slipped into a parallel universe, because when i looked at the clock it was 2.40pm (having finally started at 1.45pm, instead of 1.10pm) I slightly too scared to ask what happened, just in case i said something i shouldn't have or didn't mean to - if i don't mention it again maybe he won't bring it up.

Although i think there will be a different topic of conversation in 2 weeks time, as K is planning to call him & let him know exactly how these sessions are affecting me after. I did tell him i was distressed although i neglected to mention that i had to be sewn up by a GP last week after. This is the bit of information that K feels he should know.

K thinks i should give my subconscious a name like "Little Susie", "Baby Susie" or "Less mature Susie" - personally i prefer the "the demon". She said i should be......i can't remember the word she used - but basically she said something along the lines of that fact that i should be pleased that someone is finally taking me seriously. That remark made me wonder - what have her thoughts been all along? Has she long thought that the severe self harm, when i haven't really been in control, was something more than self harm? Has she been left feeling like she was totally helpless in what she could do for me because she isn't a psych or higher up the ranks? (despite being probably the most powerful at the surgery - trust me, her word is God down at that place!) She thinks my subconscious is out to get me, whichever way i look at it. Either i battle it out and keep going for as long as i can before i end up losing total control and not knowing what I'm doing - or i end up harming in an attempt to do something to cause damage before i get to a state where i don't recall what I'm doing.

I was giving K examples of incidents, most recently being November last year. I don't recall taking most of the tablet the packets and blood tests said i took. Before then with the burn on my stomach, K said it looked like a result of repeated applications of the chemical (re-reading my diary it was a week before i sought medical help from J & K), however from my memory, i can recall about 2 occasions and maybe a couple of vague ones - but that could be how it might have happened in my mind when trying to think about it.

I did, eventually, show her todays injury & was surprised when she agreed to let me see to it myself - after going and getting me some sterile sutures. Although this was perhaps one that i should have got help with - i had an injury like this previously which ended up with me being carted of in an ambulance. Fingers crossed I've sorted it though. Just have to be careful at the gym tomorrow, again.

As usual she spent more than the 12 minute appointment slot with me, but that's not too bad being last on her list - even if it does mean the receptionists have locked me in yet again!

I seem to be holding together which is good because the doctors (sister practice in the next village) closes in 10 minutes. Now i'm just shattered, yet despite that i can't shift that murky cloud with is hanging above my head, waiting to open up and let the tears flow. Although right now i almost feel cried out & too tired for anymore. I think my head has gone on lock down again, emotions and feelings are off limit, finger & brain connection is starting to fade too.

K said she wasn't surprised of my reactions to this. I still feel after so many years of talking, psychs, therapy, CPNs etc etc that i should be able to deal with it and get a grip, yet instead i'm losing my grip again. Maybe i should get some books out of the library on the subconscious as K suggested. Anyone any recommendations?

reasons not to see a psychologist

i have 6 (or is it 7?) of them right now. put there by a doctor, with the help of a nurse - and actually my help too because the light was broken to i held it up & stopped it hitting them on the head. I would have fixed things myself & went asking for them to simply give me the things i needed to fix myself, but they wouldn't let me & simply took the 20 mins out of their appointments to do it for me.

I could have sworn Susie (yes we're both called susie) had a tear in her eye as i left. I was crying as she was saying how she wish i could just meet a nice young man and live happily ever after. She said she felt of when she realised she'd been picking up my pieces over the last 10 years.

I was more upset that i didn't want things to go back to how they were 10 years ago, when i was needing their help every week. But i've agree to go back and see Susie in 10 days & she made me appointment with K for friday - its time to stop kidding myself. Maybe the appointment today wasn't such a bad thing - maybe it was time for me to let go and show how much i'm holding inside.

However mum does think i actually found it ok today - little does she know! because i am seeming quite cheerful. I think i may be overacting a little too much.

Susie & the doc did say i should give my 4 hours at the gym a rest tomorrow - but my 6/7 reasons survived a jog tonight so as long as i'm careful - plus once i've done some shopping tonight online i can always replace them if there are any problems.

Sorry if its cryptic but i can't even type things honestly - i don't want to admit it - plus i still feel i can't type the truth with mum & D in the room, even though they are eating dinner & paying no attention to me, and haven't a clue what i'm typing!

Psychology department - stress before they start

I was expecting a letter from Terry Pratchett, but instead i get a letter from the department based in a town i rarely step foot in, asking if i would like a psychology consultation

No! I don't want a consultation/assessment to discuss my "difficulties, which is a very important way of reaching an understanding of them" or "how psychotherapy could help" me. And i don't need your "leaftlet explaining what psychotherapy is" & how i "may find it helpful".

I didn't request to see a consultant- i was told i was going to see one - a specific one - Terry Pratchett with the hat. I wasn't told i should wait until an appointment "is available", once i returned a form.

And i certainly don't want to fill in "a Personal questionaire" that you "will also send" me. If you want to know my history, do your job and READ MY F***ING NOTES!!! There must be a dozen personal questionaires in there anyway. I mean we all know you 'professionals' don't give a damn what we say to you anyway and will simply listen to what other 'professionals' have said instead. But then having ordered copies of my notes once, about 6 years ago, and recieved 4 two inch thick envelopes i can see why you can't be bothered to go through it all. But i have given Dr L a summary of all 'professionals', medications & hospital admissions previously. And anyway Terry Pratchett asked my permission to contact my last psychotherapist who i got on very well with.

Needless to say after opening and reading the letter, followed by some crying/sobbing, it was duely thrown as far as i could across the room. It flew a couple of metres.

I don't plan to send the form back, i plan to call them (possibly) and tell them what i think. I think something along the line of "i didn't request this - i was told it was going to happen. So stick to what i was told & stop screwing me around!" I think mum is planning on calling someone at the CMHT too.

Must dash i have to be digging/collecting some manure that mum wants in half hour & we're still finishing breakfast in our PJs!