Exercise overload

I've just booked a few (for few, read 5) classes at the gym for a week tomorrow. I had a count up my planner at the same time. I have 17 hours of classes booked in the next 7 days. Its got a bit out of control. The caffeine addiction will well and truely set in by the end of this week, if it isn't already.

That 17 hours doesn't include 4 hours of volunteering with horses, a rare night out on friday with gym buddies, walking into town (staying there to save petrol between gym & volunteering) to go to the bank & PO or helping a gym buddy out for about 3 hours with a project.

The thing is my body just keeps going, i never collapse with exhaustion, despite a restricted calorie diet. WTF is wrong with me?

I know 1 thing that is - my knuckles are still broken.... every so often i try & grip something and i can feel it. I can feel the lumps on the back of my hand & knuckles too. Mum grabbed my hand today while we were messing around & ouch, yes there is certainly a problem. However i can use it enough for the gym though so thats ok!

Eating

Dietician in London wants me to eat 1600 a day, keeping it the same each day & eating the majority before evening -maximum of 600 for dinner/evening.

Eating earlier means i am just left hungry later on still. When i was restricting in the mornings more at least i knew what i could allow myself later on. But now - today especially - i have 300 calories left of that allowance and it not even 6pm.

There has been punches thrown but i really felt like doing a lot worse to myself. Trouble is i have almost finished an application to Uni (i know, what AM i thinking?!) but they way my harming is, i can't risk being found out. Harming for me is never superficial anymore, it hasn't been for years. But if something goes wrong...... I just can't risk a disaster - more for the Uni course - i can't risk occy health failing me. I really want take it out on my arms but that is just unacceptable.

But i can't cope with this.

It seems K doesn't really understand, which only leaves M. At least K agrees that going to the CPA and facing Dr L & TP would cause unnecessary distress. But she doesn't seem to understand the food thing. I mentioned that i couldn't live my life on 1000 calories a day - to which she replied some girls do. But K, are they girl who are also trying to train for a marathon?!

She just seemed to imply that this was just a normal girly thing - yes maybe - but surely its a bit different for someone who had a BMI of 12 less than 2 years ago?

I'm dreading the weigh in with M tomorrow, i'm sure after 7 days on 1600 (and a weekend over that because weekend are shit, oh & today which i have also spent in my PJs crying) that i will have gained, which means i dread to think what will happen after a month like this, not that i'm sure i will be able to keep it up.

I just wish i could find a job or rather be accepted for a job & life could be normal. The longer i'm in this hole the more i feel i'm being dragged backwards. And i'm losing the will to fight it again.

Vulnerable

Every now & then there are things that bring me back to reality and make me realise that i'm not as strong as i think i am. Brings me back to reality so to speak.

I've helped someone set up a website page for their business. It was a business i was simply at a customer at but became friends with the owner during a period when i needed a safe place to be & just sit. She let me sit in a corner of the shop during quiet afternoons & just be. So when i picked up mood wise i offered to do this for them.

Now the page is up & running, the business is growing and i discovered this morning that i may have just lost my unofficial place in the team. The owner isn't totally computer literate & last week i spent half an hour teaching her some admin bits and i thought she'd asked me to go back next week for lesson 2, but having checked the page this morning, the Saturday girl is now an admin & another account has been created under the business name. Why i don't know, because she was able to do it from her personal account.

I know its not my business, i know i'm not an employee but i feel hurt & rejected. I feel like i don't want to go there & buy thing anymore. We are regular customers, buying produce weekly, but i don't want to face them.

Right now i want to hide & cry. I can feel the tears building. I guess i just don't know where i stand.

I don't think it helps that we went to friends for dinner & fireworks last night & my 1100 workout Friday didn't help in the slightest. Its that shitty out of control, overeating feeling.

After nibbles of peanuts, crisps & olive there was a starter of onion soup the a cheesey toast on top. A main of spaghetti carbonara, slightly healthier because it was the traditional way with egg and a little cheese, rather than the modern cheat of cream & cheese. But then came dessert which was a selection of small cakes & tarts cut into larger bitesize portions and then came the chocolates. Stress levels being high i lost control & even when we got home at 12.30am i kept going nicking a chocolate of mum's & the a WW rice pudding - at that time of night!

Now this morning i still feel out of control, can't get myself together - need to go for a run but can't find the motivation or just get my head together. I need to do half hour or about 3 miles, but i can't do it with my head not focussed.

Eating Disorder? Nah i'm not losing weight! (calorie details warning)

Yesterday was the London ED Unit appointment. Had to be there for 1pm so yesterday morning i got up, went for a 2 mile run and then left on my 2 hour journey (30 minute drive, 1 hour tube, 30 minute walk). Should have worn my HRM on my journey to see hour my very brisk power walking improved calorie burning. But i didn't so when i go back to the town where the car was i went the gym & did 45 minutes of weights & abs.

So do i have an Eating Disorder? well she didn't really say yesterday, although she didn't fob me off. My description of my diet & a 2-3 mile a day seemed to be enough. I failed to mention the hour in the gym that i also do 5 days a week.

I wonder what she would have thought of today. I want to tell someone because i feel so so proud, but then i also know its not something everyone would understand. I'm not even sure M would be on my side with this one. What i do know is i love my heart rate monitor!

So today's activities:

• at the gym for 8.10am, dump stuff in locker, change shoes
• 5 min walk warm up, Training of Run 15 mins, walk 5, run 15. During the training time i managed to cover 3.3 miles all good progress. 5 min walk cool down. (HRM: 405)
  
• The back to changing rooms, change shoes, have cereal bar, refill water bottle and go to first class.
• LBT class 50 mins (HRM: 317)
• Step class straight after (HRM: 423)

I left the gym on a complete high, no pain from injury & i felt alive. I think a great new step routine helped there. After than i had bits to do at home, mum was home off work, she's still not right after the car accident. Lots of washing (hmmm, some of which is still in the tumble drier....) and then off to teach someone about computers & the internet. So not overly active this afternoon but after burning over 1100 this morning i don't think i needed to be jumping up and down all the time.

As for the eating side, if i don't know exact calorie details i always make sure i over-estimate, so according to the food diary the final total with be 1300 by the time i go to bed.

Now if that regime doesn't lose me this spare tyre goodness knows what will. I know today was more extreme than normal, i mean calorie intake is normally around that, although we are going out for dinner tomorrow night so i'd better behave during the morning and at lunch! But exercise sessions normally total about 400 right now, although as running times increase that will too i guess.

But if i feel that good after 3 hours on a friday morning, i don't care. Makes me sad to think that as soon as i get a job i'll lose that. Guess it will just mean very early runs and evening classes to get the work done.

Eating Out & Distraction

Its mum & D's anniversary today & mum wouldn't shut up about me not going out to dinner with them. So to keep her quiet (as usual) i relented and went. Now i severely wish i hadn't.

It started fine, but then D ordered a started and expected me to share it. It was 5 chunks of bread with oil, vinegar and salt for dipping. I said i didn't want a started but he kept offering it to me. I hate myself for it but i gave in. I only had the equivelent to about a large slice of bread, a bit of the vinegar and some salt. So i'd safe certainly no more than 200 kcal tops.

As a main i'd order a starter portion anyway, but as i was eating in all i could think was "the fat in this goats cheese" & "the oil in these dressings". Plus the rectangle of polenta had been fried, shallow not deep i think, but still greasy. And the veg had been oiled before roasting too. Why can't people cook anything without oil thesedays?

Then what really got me all over the place, was i saw Susie. Thankfully she was there with friends who weren't work collegues, so there wasn't anyone else who might have recognised me. My intention was to order a starter and then maybe have pudding later. But as soon as i saw her I didn't want to eat another thing. I felt so self conscious. Part of me wanted her to see me in heels, tight jeans and a lowish cut top rather than the state she normally sees me in when i need to see her. But all of a sudden i just wanted to get out of there. I didn't want pudding & luckily there wasn't anything i really fancied, but i didn't want to sit and linger like mum & D were either.

I was so distracted after i'm seen her. I don't know why. She knows me well, we get on, i trust her - she's totally lovely. So why did i freak out?

Food should have been too much of a worry. So far i'd had junst under 1000 kcal, so still had about the same again to go. Plus i'd been for a run before lunch which including the warm up & cool down too burnt 370 kcal according to my HRM. So even after the bread i still had 800 at least to go. Yet i couldn't eat anything more after my starter - which was my main course and i still can't now i'm home.

I don't want to eat out again. The way i felt after, the stress..... I came home and immediately changed into my PJs, i wiped the mascara, a rare bit of make-up, that i had applied. I needed to be be back in something where i couldn't feel the waistband digging into the flabby tyre around my waist and making the scars on my stomach so irritated that i just want to scratch and scratch. I didn't want to be in my own body or skin really.

I need to lose the tyre, yet still can't seem to. Powerplate, weights, running - nothing is working. I've given up on the metabolism-boosting-normal-amount-of-calories eating, and it's back to under 1200 if i can but certainly under 1500. Only 5 days until the london ED clinic now, hoping i get to seen the dietician on that day too.


Focusing on one thing really is an issue right now - 2 hours after starting this post i'm going to actually hit "publish post".

Dietetics

I don't think i'll tell mum about the appointment in London unless i have too. I know she just won't understand. I especially know this after a comment she made today when she got in from work.

"what did you do stay at home & eat all day?"

(here we go, can't win. Don't eat and she's questioning me & now i'm eating too much)

"what do you mean?" i replied.

"Well its just there's an empty tuna tin AND a weight watchers tuna tin..."

(it's a good job you haven't seen how many extra light laughing cow cheese triangles i've eaten then)


I sometimes think Mum has no idea or concept about calories. In fact i know she doesn't. Her question as to whether the litres of diet coke i drank contained too many carbs, & whether it was causing the weight gain/lack of weight loss that i am so depressed by, told me that she doesn't have that much knowledge.

In actual fact i am only about 75% of the way to the calorie allowance i have agreed to keep up each day until i go back to london to hopefully get some help so i don't have to live the rest of my life fighting my appetite and restricting, just to even maintain my weight.

I did get some understanding from a fellow gym buddy. When i explained the kilo a week gain on 2000 calories i think her words were something along the lines of;

"wow, you're metabolism is really messed up!"

However she did before that say that i looked fine as i am now. But at least she recognises that although i look ok, that things are not right.

*Sigh* i think i'll keep my mouth shut from now on.

Confidentiality

This meeting is driving me insane. I had a good chat about it with M today. She offered to come to it - if i could get her an invite. But i'm still not sure i want to go myself. If i go i will spend the next 3 weeks stressing with no doubt more nightmares and on the day being the most horrendous person to live with, not want to be near anyone & then fall apart the next day because i will be trying my hardest to keep it together in front of mum & D.

If i don't go, however, i'm worried that things will be said & confidentiality will be broken without my permission. But if i make the decision that i am not going, now, then i won't have to stress for the next 3 weeks. If i don't go, i will find out my rights regarding confidentiality and then if mum & D come back knowing anything they shouldn't, i'll sue their arses off!

But even in the initial meeting back in january things were said that i didn't give them permission to divulge. I'd told Dr L during an appointment with her that Mum, D, Nan & Grandpa were the 4 reasons i was still alive & if they weren't around i really had no other reason. The depression has worn me down & if i hit a low patch & i was on my own then i don't think i'd see a rason to fight. I'm living my life for mum - which has often been said to me. Anyway Dr L came out with this before i could stop her back in january, and i can recall mentioning that i didn't want mum knowing when i was in my appointment with Dr L. So whether i'm there or not i think things will be said that i don't want said.

I think i need to find out my rights somehow, somewhere.




On the stressful/down side & in other news, M is refering me back to London to the ED unit. She she to refer me back to the unit generally so that i can see the dietician there. She thinks the guy there would be really good & might be able to help. My 2000 a day experiment has gained me nothing but 1.2kg in a week. Hippo-ness here i come! I want to just go back to restricting right this instant. But i can't just yet, i have to stick to 1800 to 2000 until i see the dietician, so i can show/prove that something is really wrong. I shouldn't gain on 2000 a day as it is, let alone with the amount of exercising & walking i do. M is baffled, hence the referal to the specialist again. I'm praying he will have an answer or suggestion but i'm dreading having to go to a place where there will be skinny women that will make me feel even more of a fat fraud.

Its hard enough leaving the house & finding clothes to wear that don't cling to me right now. I stood in the health food shop and cried today trying to decide on a snack to help me reach my 1800 target. It took me 10-15 mins in that shop to buy a simple Eat Natural bar. Its OK going to the gym because there are other people trying to fight the flab and it shows i'm trying my hardest to do something about it. No-one outsie the ED world really understands though. Afterall my BMI is 23.9 & still within the healthy range, so what am i so upset about? Only M truely knows what this is doing to me mentally. With the other issues too, i cried for about 75% of our hour & a half appointment today.

I am starting to think that unless i give in to the weight gain, i will have to live the rest of my life hungry.

2000 a day

...is bloody hard work!!

maybe its because i generally eat low fat/calories products but i just feel like i'm eating constantly.

Although i think i'd rather it this way than eating something high calorie, reaching my goal & then still feeling hungry. At least this way i am certainly not hungry. I am going to have a bit of a protein boost too. Tins of tuna, low fat yogurts and tomorrow i'm going to pick up some rice pudding pots - i could eat them constantly, and now i'm not restricting i can! I just hope this pays off and boosts my metabolism for the weight loss. Right now i'm just fat and bloated. Well certainly bloated because i'm only used to eating half this amount!

i might leave weighing until i see M, and tell her of my experiment after i've been on the scales so i know what the effect has been first.

I've run 20 mins for the last 2 days. lots of pain in the leg though. But i managed a 45 minute class tonight. Another gym class tomorrow and 2 on friday. Energetic volunteering on Thursday, which includes lots of walking and a bit of running - must wear a pedometer this week! If i can i'll run thursday afternoon too.

However my leg hurts just sitting here now. Time for a bit of elevation.

Breaking out

I'm going to try & set myself a challenge for the next 5 days, although to get results it would probably take longer than that.......

Anyway, i need to get my body out of starvation mode. I'm going to try and eat 2000 calories a day. Doing at least 4 hour long classes plus a very active thursday morning volunteering & an extra bits like hopefully more 20 minute runs (at least 3 a week) and eating a diet/weight loss level of calories is proving totally futile & getting very frustrating plus thats with a supposed weight loss suppliment too!

Something needs to change. I haven't had bloods done for a while but when they were checked previously in this situation, came back normal. so its not a thyroid issue. So all i can think it my body has slipped into starvation mode.

eating normal amount at my grandparents where there are sweets, treats & plenty of stress happens with reat ease & i probably go over that 2000. But back home i'm finding it hard to fight those doubting demons what ask:

"do you really need that?!"

Its 6pm & by my food diary i think i'm about at 1150. But that has taken topping up with low cal hot chocs, so i'm learning to add up by 40's!!

If i pile on the pounds, the experiment will end and other suppliments will be tried - i have a sports one in mind. but if things remain the same, i'll try and keep going.

It seems crazy, eating more in order to lose weight!!

Appetite control

I don't understand why i can't control my hunger? Or rather why nothing seems to satisfy it today. Especially when i've eaten far more than i normally would in a whole day, and its only 5pm!

I don't think i'm thirsty, and i'm not even that tired, compared to how tired i have been. Sure the dreams aren't brilliant, i mean hospitals, eating disorder inpatient meals, being sectioned and nightmares containing walking on horses which turned out to be dead aren't exactly happy but last night didn't seem too bad. However i did get myself all stressed out about jobs & interviews and imagining how i would handle it, what i would wear, what would happen step by step etc......

Maybe its just the stress of the job applications and the one in particular that i hand delivered today - that gives a bit of a clue that its not too far from home. I saw the advert last week & have asked so many people & debated it over and over until i've sobbed and cried. Some people have said its not a good idea, other have told me just to go for it (including the bloke from the MH employment charity) but mum has still kind of said she doesn't think its a good idea & i think i'm probably still looking for her approval. Another friend online is worried i will be more hurt by rejection from this than any normal job application, and maybe i will.

I don't know. I can't work on whats going on in my head - and maybe thats why i'm using food to cope with it. I can't decide if the application was right.....

BIT LATE NOW!!!

...so it seems i can't decide if i'm really hungry or not. Have i just answered my own question?


Everything just feel so unsure. I don't feel sure about what's really going on in my head, or my life really. Perhaps physically i'm not that tired, but mentally i'm exhausted.


Oh & due to injury and lack of gym & running for 10 days i'm also bloody miserable a lot of the time!! And stressing that i'll never complete the marathon next April........yes, NEXT APRIL - months away!

Did i mention there's a lot going round in my head and i'm a little tired?

fancy dress

I won't need to find a fancy dress costume for the marathon - As i will look enough like a f***ing Hippopotamus as it is!

Sorry, I'm cross. Cross with myself, and my lack of ability to remain in control of my disgustingly high food intake today. There are 2 reasons, firstly is that i eat more on the weekends anyway, due to rising stress, lack of gym routine and my mum & D being around all the time. Today though, came the extra appetite increase, in the form of my period. It seems that the pain, discomfort and fatigue from the start of that, doubly raise my appetite.

Cravings for chocolate have been high. But with a lack of real chocolate in the house means a couple of chocolate icecreams (100 calories each), low cal hot chocolates (and suprisingly not so many of them and mini chocolate bars (actually meant to be Hypo cures for step dad) - but only one of them eaten so far. However mum and D are both now out of the way (in other rooms) for a bit and the cravings remain.

I've reached the point where i don't really care (found another rarity - biscuits. couple of hotel twin packs left over from the recent holiday) I've eaten more bread and cheese during lunch than i should, more pasta salad and mozarella, tomato & basil salad (3 slices of each) than i should have. I had a banana on bread for breakfast (after the pre breakfast mandarins) which was totally wrong. I feel like i've come this far, i may as well carry on.

All those feelings despite the fact that i know i have a weigh in with M tomorrow at 2pm.

I told myself i was going to get back to the gym and get rid of the holiday weight gain, and that didn't exactly happen very well - although the caffeine/aspartame withdrawl where i went cold turkey from diet coke after we came home, didn't help my energy levels - in fact i slept every afternoon due to major headaches/migraines. But this week i will work hard, but i also need to restart the marathon training, with serious intent. I need to get the balance between not exhausing myself so i can't complete my training plan but also working off this excess weight. I have heard others say that when they haven't been able to lose weight even when going to the gym, that running had shed the pounds, so i had better get pounding those streets (and the treadmill) and stop eating all this crap too!



I have a dream from last night that has been lingering in my mind all day. I just keep getting flashes of it. Something about me being ill and being on a school trip, except i couldn't go with them and to stay in the sick bay instead. But i was quite seriously ill, it was almost as though i lost consciousness and when i came round in the sick bay it was the next day. Maybe there's another part to it that i'm not remembering clearly but i can't shift it from my mind. Something's haunting me thats for sure.

11 other people

Thats how many other people there are in the house right now. I need to escape. I can't go running for a few reasons.

1. I don't have any trainers with me
2. Its so hot and humid i'm sweating already!
3. I had my nails done today - toenails too and i'm going to feel so guilty if i damage them before the wedding, especially as someone else paid for it!

I feel fat and horrible. Each day i tell myself that today is the day to slip under the radar and not each. I managed slightly this evening by having just salad, containing a boiled egg but fell down with the bread and butter probably equivilent to about 3 slices. Managed to regain control over dessert by just having the strawberries and not the cream or sponge cake.

Started the day with a bowl of cereal and fruit, then sushi & edamame beans and a beetroot juice for lunch, but lots of snacking on cheese curds and also some fruit.

Over all not bad today, but previous days have included chocolate cake and apple pie for dessert.

I think another reason i'm falling apart is the lack of email contact from M today. Maybe she wants to try not to email back too much, to get me to manage on my own. Right now i could harm myself to a severe degree to cope with whats going on. I have no-one i can talk to, there is a mental health crisis line in this town, but no charity drop in.

For the second night i think i need to go and cry, but whilst doing a few sit ups. Hopefully a bonus to 11 other people is that i will not be missed!

All i need to do now is make sure i delete this webpage from the history of this laptop. I didn't do it on the other laptop but i don't think the mother is savy enough to know where to look, however i think the daughter probably is. Deleting the whole internet history is too obvious that i'm hiding something though.

I want to go home....... only 10 days to go.

Touchy feely

Of all the problems that would cause me stress on this holiday i didn't expect this one. The thing thats stressing me out the most right now, is my Nan. I feel really bad & guilty for saying this, but she's just so touchy feely huggy all the time and i just want to yell "back off!". she picked up that somethings was wrong today, i think i was just acting very cold, but i fobbed her off with the tired story. After a long flight & late nights i think she bought it.

We went shopping in this old boutique town today, and the family wanted to buy me stuff. Again i feel bad but i don't want anything. I don't wear jewellery and i don't like wasting people's money.

I keep getting the comments about how good i look - the last time i saw some of them i had a BMI of around 12. But good to me doesn't mean good - good means fat.

and now i can feel the tears building up, especially having recieved an email from mum who is making her way across the country with D. But i can't let them show yet - thats saved for when my head hits the pillow, when i'm all alone. I just have to make sure i wipe my dry salty eyes before i see anyone the next morning.

I wish i could deal with it by restricting, and although i don't think i'm going OTT with food, i wish i could eat less. I also wish i could attack this fat belly of mine with something sharp, but thats not going to happen either.

Which means it will all just build up for when i get home. No worries about Nan getting too close and clingy tomorrow though, as i am off with mum's cousin & her son to pick up her daughter from the airport, which means a 2 hour drive - but what else am i going to do for the day?

Airport lounge

The stress hasn't gone away like M said - but then i'm not there yet.

I'm in the airport lounge where breakfast is provided in the form of a cold buffet - cereals, fruit, yogurt & mini pastries.

I started fine with some fruit & yogurt and a little museli. Back for more fruit......then the mini pastries got the better of me - all this waiting is winding me up. Mum & D are still with us, and i think Mum has mentioned to Nan about my overeating when my stress levels rise (although i'm sure thats not the way she will have put it!)

I had 2 of the mini croissants and then went for a 3rd, at which point mum tiold me off and told me to stop. Nan replied that i'd be fine once we got there - but i don't think i will. Laying in bed last night i was trying to convince myself that i wasn't going to eat a thing - and that it was the only way.

Perhaps i need a few more of those appetite suppressant tablets i got online - not that i'm convinced they do anything anyway!

There will be food on the plane....... i'm sure the family at the destination will be good hosts and offer as much as i like.....

All i want is to go home....back to the gym & back to my safe routine.

we've been at the airport for 3 hours now & i want to go home already.

M sent me a text last night - "Bon Voyage. Enjoy every minute" Cue floods of tears yet again.

I wish i could for nan's sake. but instead i spent the rest of the time trying to get to sleep, thinking about what may happen when i get home & how the stress is going to manifest itself - so long as it doesn't happen while i am away - i don't really care what happens when i get back any more.

I just want this over.

Place your bets please!

So my 2 weeks family holiday is nearly here. I am more stressed than ever, struggling to keep control every minute of every day.

There are so many fears about it that i can't keep track of them all, and from one thing leads another. It just seems to be spiralling.

Needless to say though food & exercise rank highly on my list of worries. Well wouldn't you if you were in a different country, staying with family, in a country that has a reputation for huge appetites and obesity (even more so than the UK)?

M said the last few weeks i've walked in and she's thought i've looked like i've lost wieght - except i've either stayed the same or gained slightly. She's at a loss as to what is going on, especially given my exercise levels & that on average i'm undereating by about 2 days each week.

So i challenged her to take a guess at what i will be in 3 weeks time (2 weeks away for me and the 1 for her) but i will have at least a week back at the gym after my 2 weeks away before my next weigh in with her. So it may turn out that she actually wins the bet (both our weight ranges are written in her diary on the date of our next appointment) in which case i will own her a souvenir from my holiday - i did say i'd keep it if i won the bet, but i know i'll give it to her whatever. Her guess ranges from 2 kg below my current weight to 1kg gain. Where as i am saying i'll gain at least 2kg.

I am trying my hardest to lose as much as i can before i go, just in case i turn into a hippo whilst i'm away.

I guess i had better pack my suitcase...... or i could continue to put it off..... pretending it's not that close & continue spending my energy trying to hold myself instead. A night without bad dreams/nightmares would help too - for the past 3 nights i have been detained in a hospital setting in my dreams. Not sure if that is better than dreaming about being sectioned & the crazee catchers coming to my house to get me, or not. Either way, i wake up feeling as shitty & tired as i did when i went to sleep.

If i disappear for more than 2 weeks, don't be suprised. I am fully expecting a major fallout/breakdown in the near future.

Closed Doors

If a door is closed, do you:

a) walk past a wait for the person to come of of the room
b) knock and wait for a reply
c) knock and barge straight in
or d) barge straight in.


I'm sure you can guess which option my mother chose this morning at 7.45am. what has particularly caused the stress though is i was semi-clad (nickers only) standing on the scales. The fact that i was on the scales is not such a problem, but how much of my stomach she saw........

Well i'm praying not very much as I had a lot of my back to her. Fortunately i had a small-as-possible (for the size of the wound) waterproof plaster (so transparent edging) over the latest sutures, but she doesn't know about any of the other recent scars from sutures and she still hasn't seen the burn scar from october last year.

I haven't crossed her path again yet, and am currently downstairs trying not to eat a whole packet of cereal bars (145 calories a bar) and anything else. I think my weight is up from yesterday (don't know, didn't trust mum not to barge in again after earlier) after a horrible day of eating, even though it was just under the RDA for calories, it still feels like a binge. And to make matters worse we're going out to Sunday lunch today because of a meeting D's going to which is about 40 mins from home. I know i don't have to go, but it just causes more upset if i say no, plus now i'm not sure i can trust myself to stay at home and not overeat. For some reason its fine during the week, i have much more control, but at the weekends things just go to pot, completely.

College

Since October i've been going most thursdays (except half term, xmas, another half term & now easter, plus 2 sickness days) - to college.

We got the exam form before easter. The student support lady suggested doing it in a separate room or have extra time, but she said i needed something official, so i went to see J today. I just got the feeling from J that she didn't think i needed it. I just got the same old "you're bright", "It's normal to panic and have a mind blank etc"

Why can't people get it into their heads - I'm not that clever!!! My mind no longers retains the information it needs to - especially not that to pass an exam, not even one that has a pass mark of 50%.

I've had no motivation to do any revision at all. I copied a little out of a book from the library and i reorganised my folder but no matter how many time i read over the stuff, nothing sinks in.

M said she wouldn't think any less of me if i chose not to take the exam, when i talked to her about it last week. Or even if i did but then didn't pass.

I got 9 out of 20 in a test before easter, and that was a test that i DID revise for and thought i minght have a shot at. Doesn't look good, does it?

My fear if that the stress will push me over the edge. The stress of starting the course (and other things) left me doing things i don't remember at the end of october. I don't want that to happen again - for mum rather than anyone else.

I don't know what to do. But whatever i chose i will have failed in some way. Either:

1. take the exam at a cost of £70 and most likely fail (not putting myself down, just being realistic). I will not have anyone else pay for my failures either - so it will be my money i waste. (just like it will be my money if i never wear that damn dress!)
2. don't even attempt the exam and let people down because i have failed to even try and do it. which will probably leave me just as stressed and depressed.

There is one good thing i've discovered about restricting - when you then get very stressed and want to comfort eat - you can have that one piece of cake because due to earlier restricting i can still stay within the daily calorie allowance!

Tomorrow i shall have breakfast, head to the gym, spend a couple of hours there and then travel to meet a friend in london. Our plan is to meet for a frozen yogurt (and if she reads this blog i have just totally given my identity away to her!), but there is another shop nearby called Candy cakes which sell large cupcakes, topped with thick(ish) solid icing and often sweets too. I think its the bright colours that really make them appealing, but i really want one - so that may be lunch i think (along with the frozen yogurt!). We'll see if i have the guts to buy one tomorrow. The stress mum is causing me tonight i should think i probably will!!

Have just remembered i put my washing in the machine 4 hours ago - i think it might be done by now..........

How to offend your guests

I went to college today (and cried my though the class - but thats another story) and while i was away from my control zone (home) Mum's cousin started making soup.

Potato & leek - that's ok i thought, then mum started blending it for her in the kitchen a second ago - with FULL FAT MILK!!

AGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

I'd finally got my head around the fact that we were going to eat out yet again tonight - but it seems while i was out they changed the plans. So now I'm already eating a different main course to them. They're having salmon fillets. Although i eat fish i generally only eat white fish & shellfish. The Susie Belle rule book says oily fish can only be eating with lettuce leaves & cucumber (or other items that will not greatly increase the calorie content of the meal). And now i'm going to offend them by not wanting the soup.

So now i'm sat on the sofa between the daughter & D, praying that they will respect me and not peer round the corner of the laptop screen. I really need to go and sob my heart out. I need someone to give me a hug but there is no-one. I can't tell mum how much distress all this is causing me, i need to try and convince her as best i can because i can't give her the extra pressure of worrying about me.

However sitting in class taking a couple of painkillers this afternoon (just in case i decided to go to the gym, even though i spent 12 hours in london yesterday - mum's pedometer read 21,000 steps at the end!!), i sat there fighting the tears, wondering if anyone would notice if i took another 2 (extra/double strength) pain killers, and then another two...... i wondered if anyone would notice if i finished the last 8 in the packet....

I really can't do this. But i if leave the house (to go for a walk & bawl my eyes out) it will be too obvious. Guess i'll just have to wait until i go to bed. Which is at least 3 hours away..... I wish my appointment with J was sooner, not the 12th, I need some comfort, although i'm sure i'll still be just as fucked up & emotional in 10 days time.

Shopping and EDs don't mix

I have a wedding to go to in July. I have been vaguely looking for a dress, and today whilst entertaining our visitors at a big shopping centre i found something that was almost looking OK. But i called mum in to see what she thought.

She loved it on me, saying i look elegant, grown up, mature, stunning etc etc.

"You should know by now that i don't bother lying to you anymore" She said. "Yes you do have a stomach" as in a stomach that shows as a bump with tight clothing "But so do i"

I got annoyed telling her she had a 30 year head start on me with that one & that at 23 i should look like i am pregnant!

I didn't buy the dress then, but went back later on, just to see if it was still there. Mum followed me in & even though i was still undecided & close to tears, she went ahead and bought it, telling me i can return it if i decide i really don't want it. This is not a cheap dress at £75. So not only will i be wasting money if i don't wear it or return in within the 28 days unworn, but i will be wasting HER money.

Cue some comfort eating - a large soft pretzel from The Bread Shop.

She suggested some tummy control tights which i thought might do the job, but when i got home and tried a pair of hers on with the dress, i still looked pregnant! Cue floods of tears, a few sit ups (before i simply collapsed into tears again) & later lots of comfort eating - large portions of slices of 2 cakes (fruit & lemon drizzle) on top of pudding (banoffee tart).

I think my gym efforts need to be seriously stepped up when i get back there next week.

I told mum i'd let her pay for the dress & i'd pay for the liposuction. Her words were "don't you dare!" I said it rather flippantly but i think she knows with me these days that actually i could/might do anything and to take anything i say, semi seriously.

In 10 hours time we need to be leaving the house to get the train to London for the next day out. I still feel so on edge though, as though i want to comfort eat some more. Thing is, i actually feel physically full & don't feel physically hungry. Which then leaves me with the other punishment option/choice - harming. I'll see once i get up to my room.

"I'm just tired"

The title of this post is something i seem to be saying to mum constantly right now. Trying to reassure her that i'm not falling apart with the stress of the change of routine, no gym, no eating pattern etc etc. How convincing i am on the issue, i'm not sure.

Awake at 6 am, yet again for the 3rd day. Yesterday our visitors didn't surface until about 10am & in fact mum & D didn't get up until about 8am. So you can imagine my stress of trying to be the nice polite host, waiting for them, before having breakfast. I distracted myself as much as i could, laying the table, doing college work, having a shower & getting dressed etc, but while that may stop me from stuffing my face - as it was i managed to stick to fruit - it doensn't stop the stress. So then because we had breakfast at about 11am we didn't have lunch until about 3pm which meant my the time we got home we didn't eat dinner until 8pm & i was starving! So by 9pm we'd reached dessert. Now normally at 9pm i'm having a hot choc and settling down for bed, so you can see my anxiety. although by that time i was almost to tired to care & was rather reassured when i totted up my total, becuase i had only reached the calorie allowance for a bad day for me. So despite not being able to eat little & often like i normally do (which i think is part of why i'm getting so moody in the day), when i'm taking the strict healthier options (like lunch was a plain dry (smallish) jacket potato & salad (lettuce & cucumber) with a banana as i left the cafe) I'm still managing to stay within my allowed range (just).

Today - well, i've been up 35 minutes and not heard any signs of life & this morning my stress appetite got the better of me & i found myself eating some of the fruitcake i made. Not a huge amount, just 2 very thin slices, as thin as i could cut them, which meant they were so thin they crumbled & made a mess (over the tin luckily), but i felt like i could eat more, so i had a small pear which seems to have shut my stomach/appetite up. But cake & a pear by 6.30am isn't brilliant & who knows how much longer i will be up on my own for.

I was going to go for a run, but my knees really don't like running - i think i lasted all of 3 minutes on the treadmill the other day before wanting to cry in pain. And anyway its not like i'm sat on my arse constantly. If we're out we're walking around somewhere (yesterday was spent shopping in a city, & oh my god they can shop forever - we didn't leave until the shops were closing basically!), or if we're at home i'm generally washing up, tidying, cooking, helping mum etc. or walking around finding excuses because i'm too stressed to sit still. So its not like we totally inactive.

I do wish i could go back to sleep tho, i'm so tired. I might just curl up here on the sofa while there's no-one around yet.........