Stumbling Problem

I have a porn problem. A food porn problem. I'm back into the habit of googling & floolwing links to recipes, and saving some of them in my favourites, knowing full well i will probably never make any of them. Although i have gone as far as to buy some of the ingredients for one.

I've been here before. I know the signs, but i don't want to stop them right now. I'm losing weight & i'm happy with that, even if i do feel physically exhausted & crappy, dizzy etc.

The BMI is down to 21 but i still feel big.

M used the word depression on numerous occasions today while i sat the and talked through my tears. I didn't even feel pleased when i saw the number on the scales - not that i didn't know what it was anyway, the weighing at home is daily, if not more right now. I didn't want to go, driving there. I couldn't be bothered to talk to her today. I just wanted to curl up in a ball instead, and after i had taken my shoes off for the scales i sat with my legs tucked up underneath me, closer to that ball shape.

However from talking to M today, i think i will give the meds a try. Or at least i did, yet sitting here now i'd rather just carry on cutting instead. i feel like i would be masking a problem, that people would expect me to be fine once i was on meds. By as M pointed out, trying to think about anything right now is almost pointless as the depression and blackness is just masking every sensible thought.

How am i supposed to make a decision on my future in the next 2 weeks when i can't see past the next week? And i'm not seeing K again until the 8th August anyway. who knows what will happen in the next 3 weeks. Part of me still wishes something will go wrong, either i collapse or harm & make a mistake. i wish it would be all taken out of my control right now, only trouble is if it was, i'm not sure i'd like their plans, especially if involved hospital.

Eating

Dietician in London wants me to eat 1600 a day, keeping it the same each day & eating the majority before evening -maximum of 600 for dinner/evening.

Eating earlier means i am just left hungry later on still. When i was restricting in the mornings more at least i knew what i could allow myself later on. But now - today especially - i have 300 calories left of that allowance and it not even 6pm.

There has been punches thrown but i really felt like doing a lot worse to myself. Trouble is i have almost finished an application to Uni (i know, what AM i thinking?!) but they way my harming is, i can't risk being found out. Harming for me is never superficial anymore, it hasn't been for years. But if something goes wrong...... I just can't risk a disaster - more for the Uni course - i can't risk occy health failing me. I really want take it out on my arms but that is just unacceptable.

But i can't cope with this.

It seems K doesn't really understand, which only leaves M. At least K agrees that going to the CPA and facing Dr L & TP would cause unnecessary distress. But she doesn't seem to understand the food thing. I mentioned that i couldn't live my life on 1000 calories a day - to which she replied some girls do. But K, are they girl who are also trying to train for a marathon?!

She just seemed to imply that this was just a normal girly thing - yes maybe - but surely its a bit different for someone who had a BMI of 12 less than 2 years ago?

I'm dreading the weigh in with M tomorrow, i'm sure after 7 days on 1600 (and a weekend over that because weekend are shit, oh & today which i have also spent in my PJs crying) that i will have gained, which means i dread to think what will happen after a month like this, not that i'm sure i will be able to keep it up.

I just wish i could find a job or rather be accepted for a job & life could be normal. The longer i'm in this hole the more i feel i'm being dragged backwards. And i'm losing the will to fight it again.

Eating Out & Distraction

Its mum & D's anniversary today & mum wouldn't shut up about me not going out to dinner with them. So to keep her quiet (as usual) i relented and went. Now i severely wish i hadn't.

It started fine, but then D ordered a started and expected me to share it. It was 5 chunks of bread with oil, vinegar and salt for dipping. I said i didn't want a started but he kept offering it to me. I hate myself for it but i gave in. I only had the equivelent to about a large slice of bread, a bit of the vinegar and some salt. So i'd safe certainly no more than 200 kcal tops.

As a main i'd order a starter portion anyway, but as i was eating in all i could think was "the fat in this goats cheese" & "the oil in these dressings". Plus the rectangle of polenta had been fried, shallow not deep i think, but still greasy. And the veg had been oiled before roasting too. Why can't people cook anything without oil thesedays?

Then what really got me all over the place, was i saw Susie. Thankfully she was there with friends who weren't work collegues, so there wasn't anyone else who might have recognised me. My intention was to order a starter and then maybe have pudding later. But as soon as i saw her I didn't want to eat another thing. I felt so self conscious. Part of me wanted her to see me in heels, tight jeans and a lowish cut top rather than the state she normally sees me in when i need to see her. But all of a sudden i just wanted to get out of there. I didn't want pudding & luckily there wasn't anything i really fancied, but i didn't want to sit and linger like mum & D were either.

I was so distracted after i'm seen her. I don't know why. She knows me well, we get on, i trust her - she's totally lovely. So why did i freak out?

Food should have been too much of a worry. So far i'd had junst under 1000 kcal, so still had about the same again to go. Plus i'd been for a run before lunch which including the warm up & cool down too burnt 370 kcal according to my HRM. So even after the bread i still had 800 at least to go. Yet i couldn't eat anything more after my starter - which was my main course and i still can't now i'm home.

I don't want to eat out again. The way i felt after, the stress..... I came home and immediately changed into my PJs, i wiped the mascara, a rare bit of make-up, that i had applied. I needed to be be back in something where i couldn't feel the waistband digging into the flabby tyre around my waist and making the scars on my stomach so irritated that i just want to scratch and scratch. I didn't want to be in my own body or skin really.

I need to lose the tyre, yet still can't seem to. Powerplate, weights, running - nothing is working. I've given up on the metabolism-boosting-normal-amount-of-calories eating, and it's back to under 1200 if i can but certainly under 1500. Only 5 days until the london ED clinic now, hoping i get to seen the dietician on that day too.


Focusing on one thing really is an issue right now - 2 hours after starting this post i'm going to actually hit "publish post".

2000 a day

...is bloody hard work!!

maybe its because i generally eat low fat/calories products but i just feel like i'm eating constantly.

Although i think i'd rather it this way than eating something high calorie, reaching my goal & then still feeling hungry. At least this way i am certainly not hungry. I am going to have a bit of a protein boost too. Tins of tuna, low fat yogurts and tomorrow i'm going to pick up some rice pudding pots - i could eat them constantly, and now i'm not restricting i can! I just hope this pays off and boosts my metabolism for the weight loss. Right now i'm just fat and bloated. Well certainly bloated because i'm only used to eating half this amount!

i might leave weighing until i see M, and tell her of my experiment after i've been on the scales so i know what the effect has been first.

I've run 20 mins for the last 2 days. lots of pain in the leg though. But i managed a 45 minute class tonight. Another gym class tomorrow and 2 on friday. Energetic volunteering on Thursday, which includes lots of walking and a bit of running - must wear a pedometer this week! If i can i'll run thursday afternoon too.

However my leg hurts just sitting here now. Time for a bit of elevation.

Breaking out

I'm going to try & set myself a challenge for the next 5 days, although to get results it would probably take longer than that.......

Anyway, i need to get my body out of starvation mode. I'm going to try and eat 2000 calories a day. Doing at least 4 hour long classes plus a very active thursday morning volunteering & an extra bits like hopefully more 20 minute runs (at least 3 a week) and eating a diet/weight loss level of calories is proving totally futile & getting very frustrating plus thats with a supposed weight loss suppliment too!

Something needs to change. I haven't had bloods done for a while but when they were checked previously in this situation, came back normal. so its not a thyroid issue. So all i can think it my body has slipped into starvation mode.

eating normal amount at my grandparents where there are sweets, treats & plenty of stress happens with reat ease & i probably go over that 2000. But back home i'm finding it hard to fight those doubting demons what ask:

"do you really need that?!"

Its 6pm & by my food diary i think i'm about at 1150. But that has taken topping up with low cal hot chocs, so i'm learning to add up by 40's!!

If i pile on the pounds, the experiment will end and other suppliments will be tried - i have a sports one in mind. but if things remain the same, i'll try and keep going.

It seems crazy, eating more in order to lose weight!!

Appetite control

I don't understand why i can't control my hunger? Or rather why nothing seems to satisfy it today. Especially when i've eaten far more than i normally would in a whole day, and its only 5pm!

I don't think i'm thirsty, and i'm not even that tired, compared to how tired i have been. Sure the dreams aren't brilliant, i mean hospitals, eating disorder inpatient meals, being sectioned and nightmares containing walking on horses which turned out to be dead aren't exactly happy but last night didn't seem too bad. However i did get myself all stressed out about jobs & interviews and imagining how i would handle it, what i would wear, what would happen step by step etc......

Maybe its just the stress of the job applications and the one in particular that i hand delivered today - that gives a bit of a clue that its not too far from home. I saw the advert last week & have asked so many people & debated it over and over until i've sobbed and cried. Some people have said its not a good idea, other have told me just to go for it (including the bloke from the MH employment charity) but mum has still kind of said she doesn't think its a good idea & i think i'm probably still looking for her approval. Another friend online is worried i will be more hurt by rejection from this than any normal job application, and maybe i will.

I don't know. I can't work on whats going on in my head - and maybe thats why i'm using food to cope with it. I can't decide if the application was right.....

BIT LATE NOW!!!

...so it seems i can't decide if i'm really hungry or not. Have i just answered my own question?


Everything just feel so unsure. I don't feel sure about what's really going on in my head, or my life really. Perhaps physically i'm not that tired, but mentally i'm exhausted.


Oh & due to injury and lack of gym & running for 10 days i'm also bloody miserable a lot of the time!! And stressing that i'll never complete the marathon next April........yes, NEXT APRIL - months away!

Did i mention there's a lot going round in my head and i'm a little tired?

fancy dress

I won't need to find a fancy dress costume for the marathon - As i will look enough like a f***ing Hippopotamus as it is!

Sorry, I'm cross. Cross with myself, and my lack of ability to remain in control of my disgustingly high food intake today. There are 2 reasons, firstly is that i eat more on the weekends anyway, due to rising stress, lack of gym routine and my mum & D being around all the time. Today though, came the extra appetite increase, in the form of my period. It seems that the pain, discomfort and fatigue from the start of that, doubly raise my appetite.

Cravings for chocolate have been high. But with a lack of real chocolate in the house means a couple of chocolate icecreams (100 calories each), low cal hot chocolates (and suprisingly not so many of them and mini chocolate bars (actually meant to be Hypo cures for step dad) - but only one of them eaten so far. However mum and D are both now out of the way (in other rooms) for a bit and the cravings remain.

I've reached the point where i don't really care (found another rarity - biscuits. couple of hotel twin packs left over from the recent holiday) I've eaten more bread and cheese during lunch than i should, more pasta salad and mozarella, tomato & basil salad (3 slices of each) than i should have. I had a banana on bread for breakfast (after the pre breakfast mandarins) which was totally wrong. I feel like i've come this far, i may as well carry on.

All those feelings despite the fact that i know i have a weigh in with M tomorrow at 2pm.

I told myself i was going to get back to the gym and get rid of the holiday weight gain, and that didn't exactly happen very well - although the caffeine/aspartame withdrawl where i went cold turkey from diet coke after we came home, didn't help my energy levels - in fact i slept every afternoon due to major headaches/migraines. But this week i will work hard, but i also need to restart the marathon training, with serious intent. I need to get the balance between not exhausing myself so i can't complete my training plan but also working off this excess weight. I have heard others say that when they haven't been able to lose weight even when going to the gym, that running had shed the pounds, so i had better get pounding those streets (and the treadmill) and stop eating all this crap too!



I have a dream from last night that has been lingering in my mind all day. I just keep getting flashes of it. Something about me being ill and being on a school trip, except i couldn't go with them and to stay in the sick bay instead. But i was quite seriously ill, it was almost as though i lost consciousness and when i came round in the sick bay it was the next day. Maybe there's another part to it that i'm not remembering clearly but i can't shift it from my mind. Something's haunting me thats for sure.

Place your bets please!

So my 2 weeks family holiday is nearly here. I am more stressed than ever, struggling to keep control every minute of every day.

There are so many fears about it that i can't keep track of them all, and from one thing leads another. It just seems to be spiralling.

Needless to say though food & exercise rank highly on my list of worries. Well wouldn't you if you were in a different country, staying with family, in a country that has a reputation for huge appetites and obesity (even more so than the UK)?

M said the last few weeks i've walked in and she's thought i've looked like i've lost wieght - except i've either stayed the same or gained slightly. She's at a loss as to what is going on, especially given my exercise levels & that on average i'm undereating by about 2 days each week.

So i challenged her to take a guess at what i will be in 3 weeks time (2 weeks away for me and the 1 for her) but i will have at least a week back at the gym after my 2 weeks away before my next weigh in with her. So it may turn out that she actually wins the bet (both our weight ranges are written in her diary on the date of our next appointment) in which case i will own her a souvenir from my holiday - i did say i'd keep it if i won the bet, but i know i'll give it to her whatever. Her guess ranges from 2 kg below my current weight to 1kg gain. Where as i am saying i'll gain at least 2kg.

I am trying my hardest to lose as much as i can before i go, just in case i turn into a hippo whilst i'm away.

I guess i had better pack my suitcase...... or i could continue to put it off..... pretending it's not that close & continue spending my energy trying to hold myself instead. A night without bad dreams/nightmares would help too - for the past 3 nights i have been detained in a hospital setting in my dreams. Not sure if that is better than dreaming about being sectioned & the crazee catchers coming to my house to get me, or not. Either way, i wake up feeling as shitty & tired as i did when i went to sleep.

If i disappear for more than 2 weeks, don't be suprised. I am fully expecting a major fallout/breakdown in the near future.

Never ending hunger

why won't it stop?

This is what haapens when i have a few days of full eating. I stayed at Nan's wednesday & thursday & ate 'normally' yesterday & now today i can't stop. I just feel so damn hungry constantly. trouble is, part of me is too tired to care.

i think i will have gained back what i lost when i see M tomorrow.

Shopping and EDs don't mix

I have a wedding to go to in July. I have been vaguely looking for a dress, and today whilst entertaining our visitors at a big shopping centre i found something that was almost looking OK. But i called mum in to see what she thought.

She loved it on me, saying i look elegant, grown up, mature, stunning etc etc.

"You should know by now that i don't bother lying to you anymore" She said. "Yes you do have a stomach" as in a stomach that shows as a bump with tight clothing "But so do i"

I got annoyed telling her she had a 30 year head start on me with that one & that at 23 i should look like i am pregnant!

I didn't buy the dress then, but went back later on, just to see if it was still there. Mum followed me in & even though i was still undecided & close to tears, she went ahead and bought it, telling me i can return it if i decide i really don't want it. This is not a cheap dress at £75. So not only will i be wasting money if i don't wear it or return in within the 28 days unworn, but i will be wasting HER money.

Cue some comfort eating - a large soft pretzel from The Bread Shop.

She suggested some tummy control tights which i thought might do the job, but when i got home and tried a pair of hers on with the dress, i still looked pregnant! Cue floods of tears, a few sit ups (before i simply collapsed into tears again) & later lots of comfort eating - large portions of slices of 2 cakes (fruit & lemon drizzle) on top of pudding (banoffee tart).

I think my gym efforts need to be seriously stepped up when i get back there next week.

I told mum i'd let her pay for the dress & i'd pay for the liposuction. Her words were "don't you dare!" I said it rather flippantly but i think she knows with me these days that actually i could/might do anything and to take anything i say, semi seriously.

In 10 hours time we need to be leaving the house to get the train to London for the next day out. I still feel so on edge though, as though i want to comfort eat some more. Thing is, i actually feel physically full & don't feel physically hungry. Which then leaves me with the other punishment option/choice - harming. I'll see once i get up to my room.

"I'm just tired"

The title of this post is something i seem to be saying to mum constantly right now. Trying to reassure her that i'm not falling apart with the stress of the change of routine, no gym, no eating pattern etc etc. How convincing i am on the issue, i'm not sure.

Awake at 6 am, yet again for the 3rd day. Yesterday our visitors didn't surface until about 10am & in fact mum & D didn't get up until about 8am. So you can imagine my stress of trying to be the nice polite host, waiting for them, before having breakfast. I distracted myself as much as i could, laying the table, doing college work, having a shower & getting dressed etc, but while that may stop me from stuffing my face - as it was i managed to stick to fruit - it doensn't stop the stress. So then because we had breakfast at about 11am we didn't have lunch until about 3pm which meant my the time we got home we didn't eat dinner until 8pm & i was starving! So by 9pm we'd reached dessert. Now normally at 9pm i'm having a hot choc and settling down for bed, so you can see my anxiety. although by that time i was almost to tired to care & was rather reassured when i totted up my total, becuase i had only reached the calorie allowance for a bad day for me. So despite not being able to eat little & often like i normally do (which i think is part of why i'm getting so moody in the day), when i'm taking the strict healthier options (like lunch was a plain dry (smallish) jacket potato & salad (lettuce & cucumber) with a banana as i left the cafe) I'm still managing to stay within my allowed range (just).

Today - well, i've been up 35 minutes and not heard any signs of life & this morning my stress appetite got the better of me & i found myself eating some of the fruitcake i made. Not a huge amount, just 2 very thin slices, as thin as i could cut them, which meant they were so thin they crumbled & made a mess (over the tin luckily), but i felt like i could eat more, so i had a small pear which seems to have shut my stomach/appetite up. But cake & a pear by 6.30am isn't brilliant & who knows how much longer i will be up on my own for.

I was going to go for a run, but my knees really don't like running - i think i lasted all of 3 minutes on the treadmill the other day before wanting to cry in pain. And anyway its not like i'm sat on my arse constantly. If we're out we're walking around somewhere (yesterday was spent shopping in a city, & oh my god they can shop forever - we didn't leave until the shops were closing basically!), or if we're at home i'm generally washing up, tidying, cooking, helping mum etc. or walking around finding excuses because i'm too stressed to sit still. So its not like we totally inactive.

I do wish i could go back to sleep tho, i'm so tired. I might just curl up here on the sofa while there's no-one around yet.........

Stress levels @ Max

Stress levels are peaking, so much to do today even though the dentist just called to cancel.

Stress levels = appetite increase. Already an extra cereal bar & a couple of handfuls of cereal this morning.

Need to leave the house & go to the gym. Right Now before i eat something else.

And the family (all 2 of them) haven't even arrived yet..........oh help.

Not enough

Why does my attempts at exercise feel like its not enough? Why do i still feel like i'm eating far too much? Why do i still feel like i look 3 months pregnant?

Managed to keep inside the calorie GDA (although i'm sure i read somewhere that apparently the female GDA is an underestimation) today but it still felt like a massive overeat. Compare to last weeks daily intake, i suppose it was, for the last 3 days (certainly over the weekend) i've eaten double the amount or calories i ate monday to thursday last week.

As for exercise, well i got to the gym half an hour before my class, so did 20 minutes in the gym before going upstairs to jump up and down (which my joints really don't like) for the first half of the class, then swing some weights around with some sit ups and stretches to finish. Its a great hour long class, with a wonderful instructor who when i broke down on one day, confided in me that she's been on a psych ward and suffers from Bipolar. I feel safe in her class, knowing she's keeping an eye on me. And i know she does, as she caught me staring into space today and snapped me out of it, encouraging me to go fora swim after the class. Which is what i did. I'd said to T at the time, that swimming didn't feel like enough but my knees and ankles hurt so much (i forgot the painkillers this morning) after bouncing up and down in T's class, that i changed my mind.

So after 30 minutes of up and down the fast lane, breaststroke, backstroke & front crawl, i dragged my shrivelled fingers & toes out to get changed. At which point i had a huge wobbly moment & called mum too ask if it was too late to change my mind about meeting her for lunch- which of course it wasn't. After lunch i decided i could squeeze in a quick gym dash before getting home to watch House (i'm catching up on series 1).


So,

1. 20 minutes gym (bike & cross trainer)
2. 1 hour class
3. 30 minutes swimming
4. 20 minutes (row, bike, cross trainer & treadmill - 5 each)

Why does that not feel like enough? I was contemplating going back to another gym this afternoon, however i rearranged a personal training session (that i cancelled due to illness a couple of weeks ago) for tomorrow morning, so i decided i should conserve my energy for 9.30am tomorrow when i will be pushed out of my comfort zone. And if i survive, i have a pilates class 15 minutes after that.

And i'm sure that won't feel like enough either.

Confirmation (via mother)

It seems i am even too big/overweight/f-a-t according to my mother now too. I have been getting various comments since she realised i was try with all my might to loose weight. In fact i'm starting to wonder now if she'd care if i stopped eating all together - if only i could fight my appetite & the stress/comfort eating that much.

When she first noticed i'd started cutting back (plus going to the gym 4/5 days a week) her words were "I'm watching you!" but in a matter of a couple of months that has turned completely full circle.

One wednesday when she had asked me what i had done that day, i though i'd try and prove to her that i was trying to lose the weight semi-sensibly, for all the good it did me. I told her how in between my two classes (both hour long intensive aerobics/fitness classes), i had walked into town (about 20 minutes), gone to Holland & Barrett and found this rather yummy protein bar which was only 136 calories and tasted just like a double decker to me! I said this to prove i was being sensible by having something to eat between my two jumpy bouncy classes. The response i got? "Did you really need that?"

With being ill over the last week my eating & appetite has gradually decreased. My throat is so sort this morning that even swallowing liquid was rather a trial - so i'm not holding out much hope for today either. However judging my last nights remarks from mum, thats not a problem. I really didn't feel like eating yesterday, and knew i wasn't going to get through much so thought i'd treat myself to a bit of bread pudding. Sadly the first bakery i was counting on didn't have any which was a big disappointment as they make a really nice one, but i thought i'd try the other bakery while i was out. But being a chain bakery it wasn't unsuprisingly not that great, a bit dry, but then again nothing tastes like it should right now, so i guess the flavour wasn't too bad. Anyway - mum saw the foil packet & i, trying to be open & honest and share things with her - again for all the good it does me, explained my day and lack of appetite.
"Wouldn't it be a good idea to capitalise on that?"

Feeling my frustration yet? I said to her that if i'd not eaten very much she'd have been on my back, chasing me about it. "No i wouldn't" However, in fact the other day she came home & commented how there weren't very many dirty dishes & proceeded to ask me what i'd had for lunch.

The nail in the coffin whilst i was making my bowl of parsnip soup "Well, you're not going to waste away, are you?"

It makes me want to throw it back in her face and eat nothing at all, after all i have enough body fat to live on, and clearly its not just my own personal body image - its real.


sadly it seems my cough/cold is slowly starting to clear up which means it looks like i'm going to have to face this family therapy meeting thing on Tuesday - can you tell how much i've been avoiding it - I haven't even alluded to it on here yet, and its now 4 days away. The other annoying thing is i'm not sure i'm going to be up to going to gym to take out my frustrations on the punch bag tuesday morning - surely though if i'm not well enough for the gym, then i'm not well enough for a stressful meeting??!!

Temptation

I knew i should have bought that cereal - just because it looked so tasty and the cereal bar version really is extremely yummy - i knew i should have bought it. The well intentioned bowl measured bowl for pudding turned into eating from the packet and more with milk once i was alone. The "i've started so i'll finish" feeling kicked in and before i knew it there were 3 small chocolate biscuits inside of me too.

According to my calculations i'm still not over THE limit but i am way over MY limit. The LBT class, warm on the reactor pads, pilates and induction session on the X bikes were not enough today. Not now anyway.

The weekend stress eating seems to have started early. Any the fear of too many people means a trip to the gym tomorrow is just not possible. Looks like i will be working extra hard on monday, i just need to remember that.

Chocolate Comfort

I can't pinpoint the emotions and i really have no clue as to a reason, if in fact there is one.

I feel exhausted, so much so that even the Pro Plus tablets didn't seem to take much effect yesterday.

All i want is comfort - good job its the lower calorie Options hot chocolate i'm drinking otherwise i would have reached the daily guideline for calories on hot chocolate alone! Although i think i managed to make a reasonable dent in that with the cheese i ate before & during lunch.

It feels like food is the only way i can find comfort right now. Each night when i sleep my nocturnal thoughts are filled with memories and stories created around the characters. So vivid and intrusive, i wake with my mood ever lower than when i had finally managed to settle myself in bed for sleep. Hospitals, sectioning, previous jobs, childhood friends from a secondary school that i loved so dearly.......All of these taunting me about my regrets of the past and scaring me about what may lay ahead in the future.

I'd love to have a nap right now, but i'm afraid things won't feel any better when i wake. My protruding, bloated belly won't have disappeared thats for sure, which i suppose is partly why i've lost the will to be in control and simply continue to feed it - with fruit as well as the odd not so healthy snack. I worry about critisism from mum & D, which means most of the extras, especially the unhealthy ones are consumed in secret and aquired when it cannot be noticed that they are missing. For example the small(ish) Fox's chocolate biscuits are not missing from the top layer in the tin, but from, where it will not be seen at the moment, the lower layer. (Although there may be questions to answer when the top layer is finished and it is noticed that there are already biscuits missing from the lower layer!)

Keeping a food diary seems to have failed in keeping my appetite and consumption under wraps. Even though looking in the mirror brings me to tears, by seeing that my jaw line has vanished, and in its place a 2nd chin has appeared, i still feel to tired to fight the appetite. I wish it was a body dysmorphic perception however the comparision between photos from the past few months are counting against that theroy.

I'm booked in for pilates of tuesday, but right now i'm not sure if i'll make it to the gym tomorrow or for anything other than the pilates class. Maybe the thought of trying out my new pink boxing gloves will inspire me. I wish i could afford a personal trainer, someone to motivate me back into shape.

I surrender - time for an afternoon nap.

Chased down by hunger

If i don't obey it, it nags.

Hungry

Hungry

Hungry

JUST EAT SOMETHING!

Why won't it leave me alone? A Sandwich, a sushi pack, fruit, small bowl of cereal, Options hot chocolates - all extras throughout the day as well as 3 meals a day. Its gone from anorexia to Over Eating. Obesity here i come, only one more BMI point to go and i've reached you arms.

I want to sedate my way out of it - i think tomorrow i should but must remember to set my alarm for 2.30pm for an appointment. Must also remember to keep it under control and not go OTT as much as i'd love to. An OD a fews days before a psych appointment may not be the best move.

Or i could go overboard, land myself in my local psych unit & reverse time by 3 years and stop eating again.

Or i could just get the blades out again, not say a word to anyone and carry on regardless - as i have been for what seems like forever.

Hanging on

As usual its my fault. I starved myself for 3 years and now my body won't let me lose any of that weight. I can't even seemed to turn any of the fat into toned muscle by dragging myself to the gym 3 or 4 times a week!

Having realised all my efforts are futile, the comfort eating is sneaking in. Arguments result in detours via the bakery and purchases of bread pudding. Tiredness requires comfort - today in the form whipped cream on the top of a normal (rather than lower calorie) hot chocolate.

Depression has taken over. I cried on and off (take that as all times I was alone) from when i got up until i had finally got most of it out of my system talking to M. I think i cried for the first 45 minutes of the hour and a half. I have come to the conclusion that while i have no energy and no life inside me that i am going to have to live as a hippo, heavier than i have ever been in my 23 years of life.

M, Dr L and this new psych are apparently having a meeting tomorrow, M called me this morning to ask me if i was going. Great,i thought, more crap communtication from the team. But no, it turns out its not a CPA, just a professionals meeting. Seems they are plotting and scheming, with M there to give them the low-down on me, as she is the only person to have seen me other than K, in the last 3 years. I guess i'll find out on friday what they want from me.

Mum asked me what i had to loose, in our 'heated discussion' today.

The answer: The last little scrap of energy i have left inside of me.

Its just another evening.....

.....so why is the fact that mum & D are going out, throwing me into such a panic. In fact so stressed that i have just resorted to a minor fruit attack/binge at 5pm - It'll be dinner time soonish - about an hour away. I, at least, feel full which has calmed me down somewhat but there's still the stress over what i'm going to eat for dinner.

I could go for a sensible meal like jacket potato or i could have something i actually want/prefer/might enjoy instead of feeling like i'm on a strict diet. I'm thinking fish fingers, homemade coleslaw and salad maybe......or i could go for the whole indulgence dinner and get out the blue cheese, some bread and have a cheese ploughmans. MMMmmmm..........*drool* But the fear of what i may eat tomorrow (weekends are a nightmare) and the knowledge of the M&S seafood selection sandwich consumed to day at lunch, i think will put a stop to that idea.

Things have really got to me today. I don't know whether the appetite is real or is just underlying emotions. On our way home from shopping after having had an M&S sandwich for lunch - far less filling than what i'd normally have for lunch - we went into Tescos, i kept heading off to get myself a cereal bar, or just some fruit for a snack because i felt absolutely starving still but the cereal bar was out of the question and i never got the fruit either. In the car i felt like i could cry, i thought at the time because i was hungry and maybe this was the reason. Maybe i was so distressed because i was actually hungry but was so stressed about having to fight the appetite.

Ok my brain has zoned out. Too much thinking today has caused a minor short circuit. And i have no idea where this post is going or if it has reached the destination i intended.

Breakdown imminent

I have been fighting the tears all morning, and eating & picking constantly to fuel the fight.

Salted cashews

mini chocolate bars (chomp & dairy milk)

fruit & fibre

Sharon fruit

banana

pear

clementines.......

(plus a bowl of fruit and fibre for breakfast)

Why can't i stop? why can't i fight the appetite instead of the emotions?

I want to through things, break things, smash things. I want to attack. I can't break plates or dishes........time for a walk on the ice? pray for a broken bone instead? choose the shoes with the least grip, choose the most perilous path.

Accidents are permitted, but all other emotions & anxiety must be hidden at weekends.

• No crying, no screaming, no sobbing.
• No running out of the house.
• No self harm.

Weekends are the time to be on your best behaviour.