Time to resurface

It's time to resurrect Susie. I disappeared not because i wanted to to but because i screwed up. I managed to send an email to my whole personal address book but from my blog account. I am praying very hard that no-one then googled the name & blog and that if they have, they respect my privacy enough to not read it when i release the gag on Susie Belle - or at least even if they do read & know my true identity that they keep very very quiet about it & bascially pretend they have never even read it! Even when speaking to me, if i thought i was speaking to someone who knew my inner thoughts i really do think i would be tipped over the edge.

That's partly why Susie is coming out of hiding because there is too much going around in my head & i have nowhere to put that stuff. I can't tell people whats really going on, I'm ashamed of what goes around in my head & i'm terrified of what people will think of me. There is, however, still that part of me that wants to show people i'm really struggling. Its that part of me that wants to self destruct, cause damage to the point where i need physical help to cope with the injury i've caused. I could go to someone for sutures yet still i don't. That isn't severe enough to warrant outside help, i can deal with that myself. The chemical burn issue is still in my head but all that happened last time was i ended up making 30 mile round trips to a plastic surgery unit & wasting petrol & i have barely enough money for petrol as it is right now. Plus i can't be bothered with the hassle of extra appointments. I seem to have enough of those right now. I'm sure i'll get to the point where i lose control enough & dissociate from my actions to the point where i need help eventually. I normally do when i feel things building like this.

I requested my notes from the sessions with TP a while back & i got them last week. The only real information i got was a summary letter from TP to Dr L, which was actually quite enlightening & kind of changed my opinion of him, or at least made me see him in a slightly different light. However of course this has then been playing on my mind, to the point that he appeared in my nightmare the other night. It was as though i was watching from above.

I was in his office & he was asking me to redo a computing profiling assessment. He was calm, kind, almost affectionate, telling me that he would know if i had lied in my answers. He then left the room, saying he needed to get something from the secretary. After he left the background voice (my own voice) started on about the fact that someone was watching me. I got up looked around the room, checking for cameras trying to reassure myself that i was being paranoid. However i didn't spot the pinhole camera which was feeding ack to TP outside. The background voice kept on and i lost my temper, grabbing a letter opener on TP's desk and started stabbing my thigh. TP ran in & tried to restrain me, yet i was as though i didn't see him there, like i was no longer in control of my actions. He tried to get me to focus on him but it was like he didn't exist & i just kept fighting. Other staff members soon followed and assisted in the restraint.

It has left me slightly confused. Did i make a mistake in not going to the last session? Should i have tried harder? But think about how i felt after each session. I needed sutures after each one and the nightmare has caused the same problem. In one of the final sessions i dissociated and recall little of the session, other than a dog barking & his next patient arriving (except i thought we were at the beginning & he had doubled booked). I'm going to show M the letter & brief attendance details, where the final entry says 'split off', as she has still seen nothing about the sessions despite being my care co-ordinator. There is one thing that really concerns me in the letter "When we came to the end of the three additional meetings following her discharge from hospital..." WHAT??!! I don't recall being in hospital in 2010! I went abroad for 2 weeks but i don't recall any other time away anywhere. I am hoping that this is a mistake on his part & that i haven't blocked something else out. One of the first things to check with M.

I think thats enough for now. I should really be getting myself to the gym. 2 hours worth today. I'm shattered but it still doesn't feel like enough although i am nearly back down to 53kg only 3 more to where i want to be - where i should be. Its been bloody hard work though, even harder when you are mentally exhausted. Ever tried doing a step class with images of the nightmares from the night before flashing before your eyes? Not easy & not easy to hide from those who know you either. B said she could see i was struggling with something & left me alone, probably a good job too as i would have cried i expect. She's the little comfort i get right now, and sometimes i wish she didn't get me that, as i just want more. I want a full blown hug, but instead i leave the gym and some my heart out in my car before driving home. Maybe one day she'll catch me, not that the comfort i crave is going to solve anything & take it away. Plus she has enough going on with her eldest anyway, she doesn't need me & my issues.

Dreaded DWP Medical

So the phone call came today, 6 months after i sent back their medical forms. I thought i'd escaped it, i thought it had been so long that it wasn't going to happen.

But no. In 2 weeks time i have the appointment i dread & fear, even more than seeing Dr L & TP who i refuse to see after last weeks appointment, was going to blog about it but i just can't even talk about it or think about it. Even trying to tell K 2 days later, i couldn't make words into a sentence to tell her what happen, although i had been distracted by something else i had seen on her computer screen about me. And the way i fell apart crying after i saw K means as much as i trust her and respect her, i can no longer see her either. Or in fact go down to the surgery at all, so that means no J, no susie - none of them ever again.

So anyway after i tried to hold it together for a bit and finished carving my little pumpkin, sitting using a knife when i really wanted to do something else with that knife, was all a bit too much. I went upstairs layed on my bed & sobbed for about half an hour. I think in the next 2 weeks there is going to be a lot of that.

I'm shit scared. What do i say? If i'm looking for full time work, then i'm fit to work, although everytime i react to an appointment like this, or even the thought of one in this case, i severly doubt whether this is a good idea. whether any of it is a good idea. I know i can't go on like this. Appointments are too distressing, so carrying on as though i'm fine is the only other option that sees my alive, and we all know where the other option sees me. Plus the hurt the other option will do to my family.

Oh shit, crying again. Can't afford to show mum how bad things are, because then she's really just going to say that getting a job is a bad idea, and i hardly seem to have her support as it is.

Am i fit to work full time? I've applied for jobs that are 30 & 35 hours a week.

The last time i had a DWP medical i was 2 stone lighter than this, so now not only am i applying for jobs to try and get away from this shitty benefits system, but i'm a fat cow too.

I need to stop thinking about this. I know on the day i'll fall apart under the pressure, but does that show i'm not fit to work? does that show i can't cope? What are they going to say to me?

Whats worse as usual is i will be all on my own, in a town i don't really know, an hour from home & then i will be driving down the motorway sobbing as usual, except this time it will take far longer for me to reach the safety of home than it normally would when i'm in that state, because i'm never more than 20 minutes from home.

Paranoia strikes again

If you've found this mum
PLEASE LEAVE MY PERSONAL SPACE.

I'm sorry if you are worried but this is my only place i can really get out whats going round and around in my fucked up head.




We were watching something on tv, a sciency programme, and she said something about the "correlation doesn't prove a cause"


Is it a coincidence between that comment and my previous post? I dearly hope so. but what worries me is mum's been really off with me that last couple of days. No doubt i've done something wrong, just wish i knew what!