I don't know what i'm thinking anymore.

Saw K today & left feeling worse than i did before i went in. I knew i should have left when time was getting tight, although i did still manage to make it to the gym on time for evening classes. Thank goodness i had combat after LBT, i had so much agression to let out, although i didn't manage to make it out of the studio before i started crying.

I also left K with a prescription for Carbamazepine, a low dose & only a 2 week supply. She asked me if i was likely to take the lot & right now i don't see the fucking point in anything, all my head is saying is "why not?"

I wouldn't show her my stomach which is probably the first time i've kept that back from her, but despite needing to stick myself back together with tape at least once a week at the moment, the damage there felt insignificant & i almost felt embarrassed to show her because it was so pathetic. Although i know if i hadn't taped the wounds back closed it would have been a different story & i also know that had i gone to see anyone about them to get treatment it would have been sutures. I;ve just gotten lazy & would rather it take a few more days to heal & stop bleeding completely than go through the effort of suturing right now. I just can't be bothered.

She asked me if i'd seen M & what her thoughts were & how she was. I questioned whether M had called her which i know she has done in the past when she has been concerned, but clearly M isn't that worried as K said she hadn't called. I said M was concerned that my weight was dropping. To which K said "Well you had got a bit chubby" i am now making sure that comment stays lodged in my head, afterall what else could be such great motivation to get me to move my arse at the gym & cut out any unnesseccary food? My BMI is now 20.5, so getting there but the chubby waist & stomach still need work. Why is it you lose weight from certain places first - for me its my chest/breasts and face, never the stomach, hips or thighs.

Starting college, getting this job on wednesday all seem pointless & like no hope. Mum & D go away friday for the weekend, in my head right now this would give me chance to do damage i want without being worried about being found out, i just worry i;m not in control enough not to go too far. I think this week is going to be a little risky, but nothing can go wrong before friday, otherwise mum won't get her weekend away.

I'm not seeing M until next tuesday - thats 7 days. I have 19 classes booked at the gym. Thats 19 hours to get rid of some of this weight, the stress of a meeting about benefits & also the job interview should shed some weight too hopefully.

Right now i want to cause damage, i need to cause damage. I want to give up, i;ve had enough.

But i still can't hurt mum or nan.

I don't know what i want at the moment. I don't see a future. It is purely day to day. I get up throw myself at the gym & exhaust myself. In the last 9 days i have done 22 classes plus a 15 minute run plus exercise walking at the stables of about 4 hours in that time.

I'm going to try & cut back in the next week. Either i've exhausted myself or i'm anaemic again, either way the blood test J took yesterday will tell. I booked the appointment friday evening, as i drove home from the supermarket i could feel panic overwhelming me, the dizzyness was stronger & i just felt desperate. I think it was more psychological than physiological friday evening, so i was glad that as i was asking the new-ish receptionist for an appointment with J, E came out and when i replied to her question that i wasn't ok & the tears starting rolling down my face, whilst holding onto my hand over the counter, telling me how well i'd been doing, she told the new girl to unblock a certain reserved appointment (probably an emergency slot that would open up on the morning of that day) so that i could see J straight after the weekend.

Part of me wished E hadn't taken my hand because i wanted more comfort, just like when i collapsed into the ex-bosses arms when i saw him & he had crept up behind me giving me a shoulder massage. My mind flew back 10 years when she had given me a hug, before i crossed the line & got too attached. Although of all the staff she is still the one who will reach out & give me some physical reassurance.

I feel frustrated. frustrated that i don't know what i want. Angry that government organisations won't give me the answers i need. Angry that part of me doesn't want to accept help & is almost happy for things to stay this way, with me harming myself & losing weight, angry because i know i should want to be normal without appointment & the need for help. Yet frustrated that i can't lose control & cause the damage i want to for fear of upsetting my family. Part of me wishes that the cut catch a blood vessel & don't stop bleeding like a few years back, so that i have to try & get myself to the surgery to pray that J & K can stop it, but knowing at the same time that then they know whats really going on in my head.

I think thats the problem, i still feel that if the damage doesn't show physically then no-one will really understand whats going on in my head.

No-one can see the images i see - reliving the past, the damage i caused, the incidents that happened, the stress of being chased my police after absconding, sleeping in a church yard over night when i was on a section 3 and should have been on the ward. No-one can see the thoughts i have, the things i really want to do. How i want to damage my arms, expect if i started wearing long sleeves again now, especially when i go to the gym constantly - it would be too obvious.

I need to go to bed. i can feel that crying myself to sleep is the only way to release this tonight & i know as soon as my head hits the pillow, if not before, the tears will be falling.

Exercise overload

I've just booked a few (for few, read 5) classes at the gym for a week tomorrow. I had a count up my planner at the same time. I have 17 hours of classes booked in the next 7 days. Its got a bit out of control. The caffeine addiction will well and truely set in by the end of this week, if it isn't already.

That 17 hours doesn't include 4 hours of volunteering with horses, a rare night out on friday with gym buddies, walking into town (staying there to save petrol between gym & volunteering) to go to the bank & PO or helping a gym buddy out for about 3 hours with a project.

The thing is my body just keeps going, i never collapse with exhaustion, despite a restricted calorie diet. WTF is wrong with me?

I know 1 thing that is - my knuckles are still broken.... every so often i try & grip something and i can feel it. I can feel the lumps on the back of my hand & knuckles too. Mum grabbed my hand today while we were messing around & ouch, yes there is certainly a problem. However i can use it enough for the gym though so thats ok!

"Even if it is broken......

......there's nothing that can be done anyway, is there?"

That was my response to K this morning when she asked me if i wanted an x-ray of my hand. If i had made a better job of punching then perhaps & even though i am in pain, couldn't make a fist for her, flinched every time she touched the knuckle it still doesn't mean there is anything that can be done.

She said to strap it up & stick it in a sling, which isn't really possible when driving & certainly can't happen when i'm at home or at the gym - that will attract even more attention to it. Trying not to show that i can't really use it for the pain is hard enough, especially at the gym. Have had to cancel a class tonight. A, i feel exhausted & B can't make a fist to punch properly. Might have felt different if it was a certain instructor, but its not her so i'm not too bothered. Off to the gym for a class in a bit anyway, so i still get one in at least. Not that my heart rate monitor is working to tell me how hard i'm working, don't think it will be that much anyway the way i feel today.

Think a sleep might be needed this afternoon. Would rather sleep right now but need to get my lazy arse into gear & get changed. I know i need to take a couple of detours too on the way, so i really should move off the sofa.

But before i forget one last thing, K was talking about starting me on a mood stabiliser, to even out the low dips that happen every so often. Maybe its because things have been this way for so long, but there sadly feels like a little security in feeling like this. Sure it might be nice to feeling less depressed but whats the point of feeling less depressed if i have nothing to do - no job etc. Then i'd just be a less depressed exercise addict, yet functioning benefit cheat with no future prospects, rather than a depressed, exercise addict, self hating & harming, pathetic, state scrounging fraud of a person.

I think i'd better stop there & go to the gym.

Hiding the damage

I made it to the gym, however i then proceeded to hit the boxing trainer harder & harder. I am now trying to keep my purple & blue knuckles hidden from view. The physio noticed straight away so I've tried to cover them with camoflage make up & mum's foundation - but i think i have actually managed to pop a blood vessel in the left hand, as its not just my knuckles its the whole of the back of my hand that is blue & there was certainly a huge lump over the vessel after i'd done it. If mum has noticed she hasn't said anything yet. I think the big problem is going to be trying to cook dinner.

I hate to say it but i'm disappointed there's nothing broken. The pain has reduced, Mr physio had a quick check too and i have enough movement there. I was going to go & see J, but the surgery was closed for training this afternoon and by the time i'd been to physio they felt better, so there was no point. I know there was a point with regards to how it happened - the fact that i chose not to wear my gloves & then pound my fists for two 10 minutes sessions, feeling the pain as i went. But thats not a good enough reason.

I want to keep going & smash my fists up even more but we're going to the theatre with Nan on saturday & i'm probably going to struggle to hide the current bruising from her.

If anyone asks my story is that i simply forgot my gloves and only noticed the marks on my hands after. And i'm sticking to it.

Time to resurface

It's time to resurrect Susie. I disappeared not because i wanted to to but because i screwed up. I managed to send an email to my whole personal address book but from my blog account. I am praying very hard that no-one then googled the name & blog and that if they have, they respect my privacy enough to not read it when i release the gag on Susie Belle - or at least even if they do read & know my true identity that they keep very very quiet about it & bascially pretend they have never even read it! Even when speaking to me, if i thought i was speaking to someone who knew my inner thoughts i really do think i would be tipped over the edge.

That's partly why Susie is coming out of hiding because there is too much going around in my head & i have nowhere to put that stuff. I can't tell people whats really going on, I'm ashamed of what goes around in my head & i'm terrified of what people will think of me. There is, however, still that part of me that wants to show people i'm really struggling. Its that part of me that wants to self destruct, cause damage to the point where i need physical help to cope with the injury i've caused. I could go to someone for sutures yet still i don't. That isn't severe enough to warrant outside help, i can deal with that myself. The chemical burn issue is still in my head but all that happened last time was i ended up making 30 mile round trips to a plastic surgery unit & wasting petrol & i have barely enough money for petrol as it is right now. Plus i can't be bothered with the hassle of extra appointments. I seem to have enough of those right now. I'm sure i'll get to the point where i lose control enough & dissociate from my actions to the point where i need help eventually. I normally do when i feel things building like this.

I requested my notes from the sessions with TP a while back & i got them last week. The only real information i got was a summary letter from TP to Dr L, which was actually quite enlightening & kind of changed my opinion of him, or at least made me see him in a slightly different light. However of course this has then been playing on my mind, to the point that he appeared in my nightmare the other night. It was as though i was watching from above.

I was in his office & he was asking me to redo a computing profiling assessment. He was calm, kind, almost affectionate, telling me that he would know if i had lied in my answers. He then left the room, saying he needed to get something from the secretary. After he left the background voice (my own voice) started on about the fact that someone was watching me. I got up looked around the room, checking for cameras trying to reassure myself that i was being paranoid. However i didn't spot the pinhole camera which was feeding ack to TP outside. The background voice kept on and i lost my temper, grabbing a letter opener on TP's desk and started stabbing my thigh. TP ran in & tried to restrain me, yet i was as though i didn't see him there, like i was no longer in control of my actions. He tried to get me to focus on him but it was like he didn't exist & i just kept fighting. Other staff members soon followed and assisted in the restraint.

It has left me slightly confused. Did i make a mistake in not going to the last session? Should i have tried harder? But think about how i felt after each session. I needed sutures after each one and the nightmare has caused the same problem. In one of the final sessions i dissociated and recall little of the session, other than a dog barking & his next patient arriving (except i thought we were at the beginning & he had doubled booked). I'm going to show M the letter & brief attendance details, where the final entry says 'split off', as she has still seen nothing about the sessions despite being my care co-ordinator. There is one thing that really concerns me in the letter "When we came to the end of the three additional meetings following her discharge from hospital..." WHAT??!! I don't recall being in hospital in 2010! I went abroad for 2 weeks but i don't recall any other time away anywhere. I am hoping that this is a mistake on his part & that i haven't blocked something else out. One of the first things to check with M.

I think thats enough for now. I should really be getting myself to the gym. 2 hours worth today. I'm shattered but it still doesn't feel like enough although i am nearly back down to 53kg only 3 more to where i want to be - where i should be. Its been bloody hard work though, even harder when you are mentally exhausted. Ever tried doing a step class with images of the nightmares from the night before flashing before your eyes? Not easy & not easy to hide from those who know you either. B said she could see i was struggling with something & left me alone, probably a good job too as i would have cried i expect. She's the little comfort i get right now, and sometimes i wish she didn't get me that, as i just want more. I want a full blown hug, but instead i leave the gym and some my heart out in my car before driving home. Maybe one day she'll catch me, not that the comfort i crave is going to solve anything & take it away. Plus she has enough going on with her eldest anyway, she doesn't need me & my issues.

Ooops & Ouch

Its been a long time since i've ridden a horse and also riding with damage to my stomach. Must remember that carrying saddles & dismounting involves a lot of contact with the stomach!

Having said that walk, trot & canter was lovely! A free ride, for helping out in the snow. Good deeds pay off. Good boost to the confidence too.

But 3 hours at the yard & yesterday evenings emotional breakdown left me shattered, so much so that i slept for an hour and 20 mins this afternoon.

However tomorrow morning i am supposed to be running for that length of time! Eek!

Vulnerable

Every now & then there are things that bring me back to reality and make me realise that i'm not as strong as i think i am. Brings me back to reality so to speak.

I've helped someone set up a website page for their business. It was a business i was simply at a customer at but became friends with the owner during a period when i needed a safe place to be & just sit. She let me sit in a corner of the shop during quiet afternoons & just be. So when i picked up mood wise i offered to do this for them.

Now the page is up & running, the business is growing and i discovered this morning that i may have just lost my unofficial place in the team. The owner isn't totally computer literate & last week i spent half an hour teaching her some admin bits and i thought she'd asked me to go back next week for lesson 2, but having checked the page this morning, the Saturday girl is now an admin & another account has been created under the business name. Why i don't know, because she was able to do it from her personal account.

I know its not my business, i know i'm not an employee but i feel hurt & rejected. I feel like i don't want to go there & buy thing anymore. We are regular customers, buying produce weekly, but i don't want to face them.

Right now i want to hide & cry. I can feel the tears building. I guess i just don't know where i stand.

I don't think it helps that we went to friends for dinner & fireworks last night & my 1100 workout Friday didn't help in the slightest. Its that shitty out of control, overeating feeling.

After nibbles of peanuts, crisps & olive there was a starter of onion soup the a cheesey toast on top. A main of spaghetti carbonara, slightly healthier because it was the traditional way with egg and a little cheese, rather than the modern cheat of cream & cheese. But then came dessert which was a selection of small cakes & tarts cut into larger bitesize portions and then came the chocolates. Stress levels being high i lost control & even when we got home at 12.30am i kept going nicking a chocolate of mum's & the a WW rice pudding - at that time of night!

Now this morning i still feel out of control, can't get myself together - need to go for a run but can't find the motivation or just get my head together. I need to do half hour or about 3 miles, but i can't do it with my head not focussed.

Eating Disorder? Nah i'm not losing weight! (calorie details warning)

Yesterday was the London ED Unit appointment. Had to be there for 1pm so yesterday morning i got up, went for a 2 mile run and then left on my 2 hour journey (30 minute drive, 1 hour tube, 30 minute walk). Should have worn my HRM on my journey to see hour my very brisk power walking improved calorie burning. But i didn't so when i go back to the town where the car was i went the gym & did 45 minutes of weights & abs.

So do i have an Eating Disorder? well she didn't really say yesterday, although she didn't fob me off. My description of my diet & a 2-3 mile a day seemed to be enough. I failed to mention the hour in the gym that i also do 5 days a week.

I wonder what she would have thought of today. I want to tell someone because i feel so so proud, but then i also know its not something everyone would understand. I'm not even sure M would be on my side with this one. What i do know is i love my heart rate monitor!

So today's activities:

• at the gym for 8.10am, dump stuff in locker, change shoes
• 5 min walk warm up, Training of Run 15 mins, walk 5, run 15. During the training time i managed to cover 3.3 miles all good progress. 5 min walk cool down. (HRM: 405)
  
• The back to changing rooms, change shoes, have cereal bar, refill water bottle and go to first class.
• LBT class 50 mins (HRM: 317)
• Step class straight after (HRM: 423)

I left the gym on a complete high, no pain from injury & i felt alive. I think a great new step routine helped there. After than i had bits to do at home, mum was home off work, she's still not right after the car accident. Lots of washing (hmmm, some of which is still in the tumble drier....) and then off to teach someone about computers & the internet. So not overly active this afternoon but after burning over 1100 this morning i don't think i needed to be jumping up and down all the time.

As for the eating side, if i don't know exact calorie details i always make sure i over-estimate, so according to the food diary the final total with be 1300 by the time i go to bed.

Now if that regime doesn't lose me this spare tyre goodness knows what will. I know today was more extreme than normal, i mean calorie intake is normally around that, although we are going out for dinner tomorrow night so i'd better behave during the morning and at lunch! But exercise sessions normally total about 400 right now, although as running times increase that will too i guess.

But if i feel that good after 3 hours on a friday morning, i don't care. Makes me sad to think that as soon as i get a job i'll lose that. Guess it will just mean very early runs and evening classes to get the work done.

Brain Swimming now Sinking

Bloods taken, results in a week.

Physio referal, wait and see.

Run though pain, just keep going. Must keep training.

Ice x3 daily, reduce inflamation which J confirmed.

Detail everything that passes my lips.

Detail all exercise.

Lose the extra weight - about 14lb/7kg.

Referal to London, hope it comes soon.

Appointment with TP & Dr L, dreading the looming nightmare situation.

Appointment with M tomorrow.

Hair appointment friday - DO NOT let mum pay!

Drop mum & D to airport early Saturday, go to D's work Saturday morning.

Survive 3 and a half days completely alone.

Get head around new staff at the surgery - a job that could have been mine if i hadn't got too close to the place. More new people who don't know or understand. Who's leaving to make room? Who am i going to have to get over leaving now?

Can i handle going to that place to see K anymore?

Keep up the volunteering.

Get a Job.

Keep the job.

Get some qualifications.

Earn some money.

Pay off debts.

Stay in control.

Stop crying.


GET A FUCKING GRIP!

Dietetics

I don't think i'll tell mum about the appointment in London unless i have too. I know she just won't understand. I especially know this after a comment she made today when she got in from work.

"what did you do stay at home & eat all day?"

(here we go, can't win. Don't eat and she's questioning me & now i'm eating too much)

"what do you mean?" i replied.

"Well its just there's an empty tuna tin AND a weight watchers tuna tin..."

(it's a good job you haven't seen how many extra light laughing cow cheese triangles i've eaten then)


I sometimes think Mum has no idea or concept about calories. In fact i know she doesn't. Her question as to whether the litres of diet coke i drank contained too many carbs, & whether it was causing the weight gain/lack of weight loss that i am so depressed by, told me that she doesn't have that much knowledge.

In actual fact i am only about 75% of the way to the calorie allowance i have agreed to keep up each day until i go back to london to hopefully get some help so i don't have to live the rest of my life fighting my appetite and restricting, just to even maintain my weight.

I did get some understanding from a fellow gym buddy. When i explained the kilo a week gain on 2000 calories i think her words were something along the lines of;

"wow, you're metabolism is really messed up!"

However she did before that say that i looked fine as i am now. But at least she recognises that although i look ok, that things are not right.

*Sigh* i think i'll keep my mouth shut from now on.

2000 a day

...is bloody hard work!!

maybe its because i generally eat low fat/calories products but i just feel like i'm eating constantly.

Although i think i'd rather it this way than eating something high calorie, reaching my goal & then still feeling hungry. At least this way i am certainly not hungry. I am going to have a bit of a protein boost too. Tins of tuna, low fat yogurts and tomorrow i'm going to pick up some rice pudding pots - i could eat them constantly, and now i'm not restricting i can! I just hope this pays off and boosts my metabolism for the weight loss. Right now i'm just fat and bloated. Well certainly bloated because i'm only used to eating half this amount!

i might leave weighing until i see M, and tell her of my experiment after i've been on the scales so i know what the effect has been first.

I've run 20 mins for the last 2 days. lots of pain in the leg though. But i managed a 45 minute class tonight. Another gym class tomorrow and 2 on friday. Energetic volunteering on Thursday, which includes lots of walking and a bit of running - must wear a pedometer this week! If i can i'll run thursday afternoon too.

However my leg hurts just sitting here now. Time for a bit of elevation.

fancy dress

I won't need to find a fancy dress costume for the marathon - As i will look enough like a f***ing Hippopotamus as it is!

Sorry, I'm cross. Cross with myself, and my lack of ability to remain in control of my disgustingly high food intake today. There are 2 reasons, firstly is that i eat more on the weekends anyway, due to rising stress, lack of gym routine and my mum & D being around all the time. Today though, came the extra appetite increase, in the form of my period. It seems that the pain, discomfort and fatigue from the start of that, doubly raise my appetite.

Cravings for chocolate have been high. But with a lack of real chocolate in the house means a couple of chocolate icecreams (100 calories each), low cal hot chocolates (and suprisingly not so many of them and mini chocolate bars (actually meant to be Hypo cures for step dad) - but only one of them eaten so far. However mum and D are both now out of the way (in other rooms) for a bit and the cravings remain.

I've reached the point where i don't really care (found another rarity - biscuits. couple of hotel twin packs left over from the recent holiday) I've eaten more bread and cheese during lunch than i should, more pasta salad and mozarella, tomato & basil salad (3 slices of each) than i should have. I had a banana on bread for breakfast (after the pre breakfast mandarins) which was totally wrong. I feel like i've come this far, i may as well carry on.

All those feelings despite the fact that i know i have a weigh in with M tomorrow at 2pm.

I told myself i was going to get back to the gym and get rid of the holiday weight gain, and that didn't exactly happen very well - although the caffeine/aspartame withdrawl where i went cold turkey from diet coke after we came home, didn't help my energy levels - in fact i slept every afternoon due to major headaches/migraines. But this week i will work hard, but i also need to restart the marathon training, with serious intent. I need to get the balance between not exhausing myself so i can't complete my training plan but also working off this excess weight. I have heard others say that when they haven't been able to lose weight even when going to the gym, that running had shed the pounds, so i had better get pounding those streets (and the treadmill) and stop eating all this crap too!



I have a dream from last night that has been lingering in my mind all day. I just keep getting flashes of it. Something about me being ill and being on a school trip, except i couldn't go with them and to stay in the sick bay instead. But i was quite seriously ill, it was almost as though i lost consciousness and when i came round in the sick bay it was the next day. Maybe there's another part to it that i'm not remembering clearly but i can't shift it from my mind. Something's haunting me thats for sure.

Hot chocolate

All i wanted was a hot chocolate to comfort me as i cry.

I just wanted to curl up in bed, put friends on, cry & take a little comfort from a warm drink, even though the temperature of the air is rather warm.

I turned up to the gym an hour and a half early for my class, and then didn't really get into the class when it finally happened.

I came home, stressed over the silly little thing i needed to do. Car Insurance, research tyre prices, finishes thank you letters......but all i really wanted to do was sleep.

My dreams last night left me with that low feeling hanging over throughout the morning & the nights brain activity left me exhausted too.

But i had to be at an appointment with TP for 4.15pm - although before then i had to return a library book, drop some things off at the charity shop &go to (stand in a long queue) at the post office.

TP was very interested in my dreams - The teacher who dropped everything so we could catch up, ignoring the headmaster & whole school she was supposed to address in assembly. She grabbed my hand and we ran off laughing. It felt safe but i woke up feeling sad because those safe feelings were not a reality.
The other dream I was having some kind of psychotic episode, seeing people & birds in the house. Yet they weren't really there. No-one else could see them & mum was telling me i was making things up.

I suppose TP made some sense when he talked about the dreams but they are not exactly too strange to try and interpret. I felt so angry when i left him & when i got in the car the tears came as normal. If the appointment hadn't been later in the day and i hadn't had another gym class at 6.15pm i don't doubt more serious damage that a few bite marks & a dead leg, would have been done. I just felt so angry, partly because i felt i'd let him in too much, like i was letting him win. But again is was just a surge of overwhelming emotion too.

Fortunately the class at the gym was a very high tempo class (constantly at about 140bpm if not more!) and i threw everything i had into it.

I arrived home, talked to mum & D about the tennis - to be asked "Have you done anything except watch the telly?"

Fuck you mum. Just because i don't work doesn't mean i watch TV all day.

And now the sodding kettle has broken so i've lost that little comfort that helps me get a smoother nights sleep.

Geting told off

Saturday morning, 8.30am, appointment with K.

It started well, and i confessed my sins (well most of them), discussing my gym addiction which she still doesn't seem to see as a totally bad thing and the ending of college which lead onto looking to the future and what it may hold.

Her view is that if i get offered more psychotherapy from TP then i should take it, but while i'm going through intensive psychotherapy, work is NOT an option. She praised me for taking the therapy on and got very angry when i tried to belittle it, as just someone else i was expected to talk to, which is how i feel everyone else sees it. But K has a completely different take and like i say she got quite angry, in fact i'm not sure i've seen her that cross before. Between us, i realised that she was the only one who saw how "very dangerous" psychotherapy potentially is to me. She really has set my head whirring today.

As i sat there the tears rolled down my face, a lot more than they have done in previous months.

She urged me to relook at the benefits i claim, because maybe i am entitled to more. Trouble is i don't feel entitled to what i get right now, and i'm not sure anyone else does either. I said to her that i can get in my car and go to the gym, so i should be able to go out and get a job too. But her stern & serious face said not.

So it all i got told off for:

• "rubbishing" everything i do/achieve
• rubbishing psychotherapy
• thinking i'm not entitled to things
• oh, and apologising when she said "now i should get on with the rest of my surgery"

But she ended on a positive, asking me to bring a couple of really photos back from my trip across the atlantic.

I feel kind of deflated being told those things, but the trouble is, i know that she probably knows me best out of all professionals and in fact anyone i know. I also know that she never says things lightly. She is a force to be reckoned with at that surgery & as much as the receptionists hate her sometimes for making their lives difficult, they also know she's bloody good at her job.

I know she wouldn't tell me to look into more benefits for no reason, she's not a soppy light touch and works extremely hard herself - sometimes i see her car parked outside the surgery from 8am until 8pm at night! She's hardly likely to encourage benefit scrounging now, is she??!!

Skint

I can't afford to live anymore. Not on the benefits i get. It seems i will have to forget making sure i'm totally healthy and mentally strong enough before i work and just hope for the best. I just have to pray my mental health will hold out and not crash as with every other job or slight pressure its had applied onto it.

The first big problem is What Would I Do??!!

A sales assistant in a shop involves being in front of people for far too long. Being stuck in an office not being about to get up and leave wouldn't work right now. I don't think i'd last to the end of the day without bursting into tears.

Not only that though What do i have the qualifications for?

Answer to that is very little. GCSEs don't get you very far theses days. My work with the horses never involved any formal qualifications so i have nothing to show there, and getting references is not possible. The current course won't gain me much either.

I really don't know what to do.

There is another option.....

Give up. Stop trying.

Its not like i spend a great deal of money anyway, so i don't know why i'm struggling. Petrol, gifts for others & house keeping to mum. I think trying to pay off this debt to mum is probably the big thing. There's £650 left on the spreadsheet. But without dipping into my one and lony savings account which i might have to do anyway soon, i'm just going to keep having to chip away at it slowly. However in August the £100 a month will be starting and added on again.

All this bearing in mind that i receive £300 a month in total. Plus this month the car in due and MOT, it also sounds like it needs a new exhaust (i'm driving round embarrassingly like a 'girl' racer right now), plus there's the insurance (around £400 judging by last year). With £125 left in my bank account right now.

Its just another stress that feels like its about to drive me deeper into depression that i'm fighting to keep out of as it is. It's another vicious circle.

The fact i am struggling financially makes me wonder if i'm doing to much to justify claiming benefits. But what do i feel comfortable doing right now? Going to the gym. Thats is. Thats the only thing. And that was paid for with the remaining money in a savings account that i had transfered the majority out of. I paid a year in full so its not like thats where money is going each month. The increase in petrol prices is bascically what it is. In the last 2 weeks i've spent £75 on petrol. Now i have done 2 long (both about 90 miles each way) drives - one to help at a charity thing (& back) & the yesterday to Nan's (& back).

Other than that i drive to college or the gym. I don't buy new clothes very often at all (last shirt was bought was in the 1st week of April), the only other clothes mum has paid for and again thats not many (one pair of shorts this last week).

As for shoes - the last pair i bought was when we were at Nan's around Christmas time & they were in the sale!!

I have had one expense very recently - a new ipod nano, but i have waited until my 5 year old very heavy & very chunky classic ipod stopped working completely!

Right now I'm sat inside and other than putting my bedding on the line (again being caught out by monthlies meant it had to be done) i have stayed inside despite the very hot sunny weather, hiding and giving myself a head ache with all the things going round in my head.

I think i need to shower & de-sweat but doing the shopping as i promised mum i would (D's meeting me to pay for it at the end), i contemplated the 7 mile walk there but after 2 hard classes (LBT & Step) and in this heat, i think i might for get that, especially as my knees and hips were screaming in pain and have been since tuesday night. I think short runs over the weekend - if any at all.

Fall out

I'm seeing the fall out - or perhaps my brain has actually fallen out.

Confessed to the harm injuries to my first class instructor, who was a little worried but when i told her i'd completed a weeks worth of classes without ripping the stitches out and that i was kind of taking it easy she relaxed a little.

The brain was fine with aerobics but then i know the routine well after a month of it. Body Balance is slower so was easier to follow and i chose to do a strength card in the gym for half hour, with half an hour break which didn't actualy seem to help my brain. I just seemed to lose it in LBT. I lost concentration, could get the right lead leg and was starting to get a little pissed off.

i stumbled around tescos for half an hour (probably longer) trying to figure out what i could eat, and came away with a sugar free jelly, bag of mandarin & 2 boxes of porridge oats, which were on offer.

Somehow now its 5pm....... I know i didn't leave the gym until 1.40pm (i got there at 9.15am, perhaps i should just live there!) D will be home soon..... i think i've got lost this afternoon......i don't know where i went though.......

How the hell am i going to make it though college tomorrow?

Clouds already here, not even on the horizon anymore

I'm so tired. Tired of dragging/driving myself to the gym, in tears & then driving home again in tears. On Monday it was too hard to hold it it & as soon as N asked me what was wrong, i promptly burst into tears - poor bloke.

There are so many things going around in my head. Exams, memories of school & hospitals, exercise, food.......

I think i'm going to attempt the exam, but if i now work my backside off & actually pass, then people will simply turn round as say i had nothing to worry about. But if i fail.........

When the depression clouds move it, they bring the exhaustion, memories, vivid dreams, nightmares. On the upside the tiredness wins over the fights with the appetite. But the when you're even more tired than normal trying to do 3 hours at the gym becomes even harder.

I'd like to stop. Stop everything. No gym, no college, no going out. But i know i can't. I'm too scared. I'm too scared that if i stop the weight will pile on, which is why after 5 and a half hours at college tomorrow i'll shall, no doubt head to the gym and carry on the battle against my body.

Not enough

Why does my attempts at exercise feel like its not enough? Why do i still feel like i'm eating far too much? Why do i still feel like i look 3 months pregnant?

Managed to keep inside the calorie GDA (although i'm sure i read somewhere that apparently the female GDA is an underestimation) today but it still felt like a massive overeat. Compare to last weeks daily intake, i suppose it was, for the last 3 days (certainly over the weekend) i've eaten double the amount or calories i ate monday to thursday last week.

As for exercise, well i got to the gym half an hour before my class, so did 20 minutes in the gym before going upstairs to jump up and down (which my joints really don't like) for the first half of the class, then swing some weights around with some sit ups and stretches to finish. Its a great hour long class, with a wonderful instructor who when i broke down on one day, confided in me that she's been on a psych ward and suffers from Bipolar. I feel safe in her class, knowing she's keeping an eye on me. And i know she does, as she caught me staring into space today and snapped me out of it, encouraging me to go fora swim after the class. Which is what i did. I'd said to T at the time, that swimming didn't feel like enough but my knees and ankles hurt so much (i forgot the painkillers this morning) after bouncing up and down in T's class, that i changed my mind.

So after 30 minutes of up and down the fast lane, breaststroke, backstroke & front crawl, i dragged my shrivelled fingers & toes out to get changed. At which point i had a huge wobbly moment & called mum too ask if it was too late to change my mind about meeting her for lunch- which of course it wasn't. After lunch i decided i could squeeze in a quick gym dash before getting home to watch House (i'm catching up on series 1).


So,

1. 20 minutes gym (bike & cross trainer)
2. 1 hour class
3. 30 minutes swimming
4. 20 minutes (row, bike, cross trainer & treadmill - 5 each)

Why does that not feel like enough? I was contemplating going back to another gym this afternoon, however i rearranged a personal training session (that i cancelled due to illness a couple of weeks ago) for tomorrow morning, so i decided i should conserve my energy for 9.30am tomorrow when i will be pushed out of my comfort zone. And if i survive, i have a pilates class 15 minutes after that.

And i'm sure that won't feel like enough either.

He even had a hat! - "Terry Pratchett"

Today's meeting wasn't quite as bad as expected - although maybe it is better to work yourself up into a frenzy, get a very bad night's sleep the night before, go to the gym the next morning spend an hour in the gym (including 30 intensive minutes in the cross trainer) - half kill yourself (due to the fact of a lingering, so far, week long chesty cough/cold and therefore not having done anything thing other than a half hour stroll for the past 4 days), then do a pilates class & have a breakdown in the car on the way home (it really isn't advisable to drive whilst trying to avoid potholes, peering through a torrent of tears). Perhaps by doing the previous it makes the actual event seem less awful.
So after waiting 10 minutes Dr L marches in on her mobile, pausing to announce to the receptionist that she has a room booked, then carrying on her phone call as she proceeds to enter the designated room. Following behind is Terry - Terry Pratchett. Only after spending an hour in a room with him sat next to me in the circle, did the likeness occur to me. There is a slight physical resemblance (although sturdier in stature), the softness of his speech (I'm hoping that wasn't simply for the benefit of not scaring me off for good, after today's introduction) and there was even a very similar style hat to complete the look. On looking for a suitable photo, i have however, discovered that the real Terry Pratchett is bald on top -My Terry isn't.
After another 10 minutes, presumably for Dr L to finish her phone call, either that or it took them that long to put 5 chairs in a circle, we were called in. I ended up sandwiched between Terry and mum. The floor seemed a very attractive and my gaze stayed focused there for most of the hour, at least certainly when i had my glasses on. A black cat worked it's way from the floor outside up onto the patio table, then onto the brick wall, running along the wall not caring in the slightest about the trees in its path. How i wished that cat would come and rub itself around my ankles, giving me some comfort in the room, which felt too open and exposed.

The tears started when mum mentioned our brief discussions between us at home. I kind of knew she would mention it & i should have been prepared, however i had forgotten to take the tissues that i had remembered to bring with me, out of my bag. Before she had managed to get 2 words out, i stood up and retrieved the tissues from my bag in the seat behind me. From then on looking elsewhere other than the floor was not a problem, seeing as i could no longer see any ones facial features. I could no longer feel their eyes boring into me, laying heavily, rummaging around trying to reach into my inner thoughts.

I realised when i got home though, that the way mum's words came across, weren't exactly how i feel. Mum described our conversation about the fact that if she wasn't alive, i wouldn't be either. The way i felt it came across was that i am living because of mum & because i couldn't bare to be without her. I'm not saying i couldn't bare to be without her, and yes it probably would be another reason for me to leave this mortal earth. However i feel i am living FOR mum. If i died it would break her heart, and that's what i don't want to do. Maybe mum didn't understand which point of view i was coming from?

D had a good go at laying into all the previous therapists/counsellors etc that I've seen. Describing how they delved into my past, looking for a cause and then soon after left the service/transferred somewhere else/went off sick - permanently, etc etc. At that point i was screaming & cheering inside;

"Go D! Go D! Go D!"

It felt nice to have somebody stand up for me and not just paint me as the, unsolvable, black sheep straightaway.

Terry seemed/said he was impressed how I'd got over (HaHaHa!!!) the anorexia. My reply to that was that i wasn't happy, which was why i was "living" at the gym at the moment. (Shhhhh..... don't tell anyone but the restriction is greater and i really pushed myself at the gym today, even though the cough is still there)

I've said I'll do whatever mum wants. I want to make her happy - or at least try. I've fucked up so much, it sounds like she sees my biological clock as ticking etc so basically if i had said no to Terry's suggestion of seeing him, i would have not been trying/letting people down etc etc.

Therapeutic Communities were mentioned. I think Terry sees one of the main problems as the extra strong emotional bond between mum & I. I think they see a TC as a way of cutting the apron strings. After a bit of googling tonight, it turns out Terry used to, or possibly still does, work at a TC in London. No wonder he's all in favour of it then!!

Anyway the outcome of today is that i will have a few/some (no specific number given) sessions with Terry and Dr L will keep an eye from a distance.

I must remember to make a point of making sure he understands my point of view with regards to me being alive and mum's existence. I was rather impressed that he asked my permission to contact my last psychotherapist, who i got on very well with. I know this previous guy will give me fair representation. I always felt like he understood me and he always seemed to get genuinely infuriated by tales i would tell him or remarks people had said. He was on my side. I hope Terry will be too.

Mum & D are out tonight - i hope mum's managed to forget about me, stop worrying about me at least for a couple of hours. I know she was worried about how I'd be after the meeting this afternoon - but playing dumb to an annoying sales call was a good way to play the evil sadistic bitch just a minute ago gave me a good laugh. I'm not the harming, reactive teenager anymore. I don't overdose because psychiatrists upset me, like i did when i was 15. I may not be happy but that don't mean I'm going to harm myself at the first chance i get to be alone.

Besides i need to rest tonight before a mammoth gym effort tomorrow. 2 classes with a 2 hour gap in the middle during which the plan is stamina not an all out workout, like today. Some sleep would be nice tonight too.