Feeling human

I text my mentor earlier to let her know where to meet next week and also thank her for the session today as although it is her job I still wanted her to know I appreciate her time. I told her how I felt more human after the stresses and lows of the last 2 weeks,  but in doing so and thinking about it more and also on receiving her reply I realised that it possibly would be better to go back to how I have been managing. 

I left feeling a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, yet now,  7 hours on i just feel hurt, vulnerable, isolated and alone yet again.  I have barely cried in the last week but after a human, non-serious conversation this afternoon which felt fine, in fact I actually felt relaxed for once, while we were together during the session - I have now spent all evening rereading the reply to my text and wishing partly that I hadn't let her in because yet I feel like that scared, lost and lonely girl who just wants some comfort. 

I know that is not her role and I'm so conscious these days of not over stepping the boundaries after a teenage catalogue of disasters over issues like that. But at the same time that screwed up side of me is reappearing longing for physical comfort and someone to talk to and share my tears with.

This course is making me question whether my past has been resolved or whether the past 2 seemingly successful years have been a lie, ignoring a flaw within me that I will never escape.

Maybe this occupational health doctor is right to want a psych assessment of me?  Or maybe I've just let him put too much doubt in my mind. I do feel though that old insecurities are creeping back in but if I let anyone know it could spell the end of my journey and yet again I will viewed as the messed up little girl who can't let go or move on and is incapable of leading a 'normal' life.

Seeking Help to Maintain Sanity

I went to see an adviser today, who was suggested to me.   He was a slightly off the wall character but he had that air about him that made me feel reasonably safe and pretty sure that he had experienced mental health issues himself, which is what i had been told by my referrer.

He was quite relaxed about the whole thing and nothing i said seemed to phase him or worry him. He asked me if i had harmed. As usual i hate lying. With no details divulged i said yes.  "I have a student who self harms every day" he told me.  Was i supposed to be shocked, jealous, amazed? I don't know Was i supposed to try and compete with that?  Did he tell me to try and get more information out of me? By telling me they were still allowed to do their course, was he trying to see if i'd relax more and open up?

I have no idea what the purpose was.

By the time we'd chatted for an hour i had the feeling i wanted to scream slightly and maybe i  was inside.  I wanted to telling him that he has no fucking idea what was going around in my head, of the things i want to do to myself and that the harm i did last night was nothing and that i could quite easily take the full box of 48 400mg ibuprofen i have or the collection of benzo's and other sedatives i have.  Even after the ones i have taken in the last 2 weeks to help me get through (which was my intended use, it was not for a planned misuse), i know the damage i could do and the power i hold locked away in my room. But i also know i don't really want to end it for good, however although i walked away last time "i just wanted to go to sleep for a bit" I was a) extremely luck physically and b) they probably have a better crisis team here so i may not escape to easily there either.

But i couldn't tell him that.  Despite him knowing that i had harmed recently, which he didn't seem bothered by, i still don't have anyone that i can tell the whole truth to.  It's been ok in recent years when my head has felt calm but now the stress and anxiety levels are up, and instead of settling seem to be rising further, I once again have the fear of speaking out against myself.

If they really knew....what goes on in my messed up mind, how i want to take all the stress, hate, anger, frustration and fear out on myself.....They will never let me move onto the second part of my course in 6 weeks time. So yet again i am left crying to myself because i cannot turn to anyone and even if i could no one can take away the thoughts inside my mind.

I have no clue right now how i am going to get through the next 2 years.  I came in full on confidence like a bull in a china shop with such determination, telling myself i could do this and now i'm left simply trying not to fail again.

Its also just occured to me of what the hell am i going to do when these sedatives run out? How the hell am i going to sleep at night.

Mr Adviser said he was unimportant at the uni "until the shit hits the fan" when he then became very important. I'm seeing him again in 2 weeks, just before occy health when my fear is that it will hit the fan.  He said occy health does ask him for advise sometimes and so maybe if i can keep my mouth shut in the next 2 weeks if they do ask him, it will all be ok.

Shame i can't just make my head stop for the next 2 weeks, or at least not without screwing up the best opportunity i have ever had.

plan of action

i have a plan. a future plan that would see me in education from next january until at least september 2015.

I don't like telling people of my plan, because;

1. i get very over emotional because its something i really want to do.
2. i don't want people to laugh in my face because they think i have no hope in hell of achieving my dream.
3. i don't want to tell people i'm doing it then fail and disappoint everyone - not that i think i'm going to fail, but as we all know anything could happen.
4. i don't want people to assume that i'm absolutely fine and hunky dory, rather than just being determined to ignore the way i feel and the thoughts in my head.
   

yes suicide does still pass through my mind, as does self harm and there are still buckets of tears shed everyday. but i'm not happy with life now, if i was training in something i was interested and had a job i enjoyed, surely things would be different?

It will be a long slog to qualify because to even get to uni there are 2 course i have to do before hand.

The trouble is i'm not just focusing on the courses i want to do but all the financial shit that goes with it. You could say its a good thing that i'm looking at the whole picture and thinking of everything but the trouble is i get myself very stressed and worked up because i think there's that part of me that panic, because i don't know about money things like that, so will i have any money? How can i be a full time student and survive?

Although if i couldn't afford to eat that wouldn't be such an issue - i'd rather spend my money on petrol to get me places. Anyway going to the CAB this morning, see if they can help me understand.

In the meantime i'm still job hunting, but yesterday there was nothing i had experience or qualifications for on any of the job website which was around 20-25 hours a week. There was a full time job - 4 x 12hr night shifts (thursday - sunday) but although i'd have complete days off, it is 39hrs a week, so thats full time. I'm rather start with part time to ease myself in which could then let me do the first course which is one day a week from january, but hopefully still work and earn.

just keep looking i guess. After i'm been for a run of course.

Brain Swimming now Sinking

Bloods taken, results in a week.

Physio referal, wait and see.

Run though pain, just keep going. Must keep training.

Ice x3 daily, reduce inflamation which J confirmed.

Detail everything that passes my lips.

Detail all exercise.

Lose the extra weight - about 14lb/7kg.

Referal to London, hope it comes soon.

Appointment with TP & Dr L, dreading the looming nightmare situation.

Appointment with M tomorrow.

Hair appointment friday - DO NOT let mum pay!

Drop mum & D to airport early Saturday, go to D's work Saturday morning.

Survive 3 and a half days completely alone.

Get head around new staff at the surgery - a job that could have been mine if i hadn't got too close to the place. More new people who don't know or understand. Who's leaving to make room? Who am i going to have to get over leaving now?

Can i handle going to that place to see K anymore?

Keep up the volunteering.

Get a Job.

Keep the job.

Get some qualifications.

Earn some money.

Pay off debts.

Stay in control.

Stop crying.


GET A FUCKING GRIP!

Benefits Cuts

Its on the news constantly and it's really starting to worry me.

Heard them say on the BBC this morning that if people can work & then turn jobs down they will lose benefits.

This terrifies me. I really want to make sure the job i get is a longer term thing. I down want to be in a situation where the risk of me relapsing again.

I'd like to be able to train & get myself into the emergency services. Its what i've dreamed of since i was 17 and seeing Paramedics on stand by in london & them speeding past on blues.......*sigh*

I've been asking around the EMS bloggers and getting advice, but i still just don't know how to go about it. I just have this horrible feeling that if i ask for help, that people with either laugh or just give me a sad, pittying look because they don't think i will be able to cope mentally or even be considered or accepted onto a training course or a training position because of my mental health history.

I'm stronger than i've ever been & i need that something, that dream to help me stay strong and grow stronger. Neither i or anyone else will know unless i try, and get that chance to try.

Rejection

It hurts. Maybe my online buddy was right. Maybe i shouldn't have applied. Maybe applying for a job at my doctors is going to hurt more than any others.

K didn't seem to agree & maybe she's right. Afterall this is the first rejection - at least the first i've got to hear of. The first application before the one for my surgery, i still haven't heard from - that was about a month ago.

Even seeing K these days gets me in a emotional mess state. After a meeting with her i still leave crying, and there was nothing deep and meaningful discussed. Just my worries about uncertainties about the future and what it may hold, now that i'm trying to make changes again. Leg injuries/issues which are still not sorted. My attempt at volunteering and why i feel too scared/anxious to go back - even though nothing went wrong in the slightest (other than blisters) & the goings on the TP, Dr L and psychology.

She said that the practice manager had shown her my application.

"It was a good application. Just keep trying"

I'm guessing from that comment that i didn't get an interview etc.


I'm not sure i want to see K anymore. I don't really want to se anyone. Its probably because everytime i think/talk about whats really going on in my head, i just get more upset. It varies to different degrees of distress depending who the person is and how hard they delve inside my mind.

In general right now though i want to ignore all the shit & low mood & anxiety as much as i can. I can go to the gym & work my butt off, not have to talk to anyone & just ignore how much i hate myself, how much i screwed up in the past, how scared i am of history repeating itself.

Thats another thing K challenged me on. The corrolation between types of jobs & how long i've lasted. In a full time stressful job with a bitch of a boss (she was a bitch to everyone but those higher or equal to her), after 2 months i drove my car down a hill into a ditch, with a very lucky escape - that was 5 years ago last week. In a very quiet, lonely office with little stimulation after a few months i was sectioned after a very dangerous harming episode where actually if K hadn't responded to my terrified phone call, and got me an ambulance i doubt i would be here today. In fact a nurse at the hospital told me most people's bodies wouldn't have survived that.

As K put it though,

"Thats like saying the number of babies born in denmark increased, there for the number of storks increased"

The effect was not necessarily caused by the job satisfaction basically. And that i need to put those fears aside and let go of that association, because as K said there have been many incidents, sectionings and hospitalisations without a job being involved.

I just want to get a job, settle in, keep running/training & going to the gym. Keep up the volunteering, work permitting. And everything will be ok....................

So angry, so upset. Could easily harm even though mum & D are home, but thanks to a great online friend and her words of wisdom, i am going to ignore this other persons ignorance and focus on what i have achieved this morning.

Conversation below has been edited to remove non relevant subject matter - actually i have trying to help her find a makeover party for her daughter - my step/half sister. Yes the conversation was with my dad's wife (she never has been and never will be known as my step-mother). Plus also to remove specific details of my achievements which might give my identity away.

Her: Hi, voluntary work with disabled and animals, how fantastic, being with the animals, and helping people that really need you as well! Rewarding and worthwhile xx

Me: so long as i have the confidence to stick with it yes.

Her: Why do you need confidence, the people that are participating just want to be able to enjoy themselves doing something that they can't otherwise do!!

Me: Given that for the last 2 weeks i have barely left the house again, going to a new group of people is a major thing

Her: Sorry, I didn't know!

(later)

Her: off now, and don't forget, it's the people that are riding that are important not how you feel, you are just the person enabling them to do it. It is a big thing in their lives, it must be awful to be disabled!

Me: its not a song and dance having to see a shrink constantly either

Her: No I'm sure, but at least you can get yourself out of bed and walk around, some of these people can't even do that. I just can't imagine knowing about all the pleasurable things that are out in the world but having to rely on someone else all the time to even get out in the garden!

I wanted to reply with how at my worst, i haven't been able to get out of bed. When i was at my lowest weight i shouldn't have been walking around and didn't often have the energy. A few weeks ago i was dissociating and losing time (fortunately not to the extent that some of other dear fellow bloggers are struggling with) and hiding at home, not even venturing outside the front or back doors. Until the last couple of weeks i haven't thought about anything about life being pleasurable and even now I'm being taken to Italy by mum not because i want to go, but to stop her nagging about when we were going. Ditto that for a Christmas market, although she seems to have forgotten about that one for now. Other than the gym, this is the first thing i have done that i might enjoy (as well as helping others), my challenge of reading a book is proving just as hard.

I'm going no further with this post before i wind myself up again and forget the fact that:

• i got up and out of the house by 8.30am this morning,
  
• drove to a new place,
  
• met people I'd never met before,
  
• did a task I've never done before,
  
• worked with disabled youngsters who can be challenging and/or non-responsive/communicative. (I really wasn't sure how to act, think it will take a while to relax with that one. It seemed easier when i was a teenager & worked with kids with severe learning difficulties!)
  
• worked with animals that stir a lot of very strong emotions in me because of wonderful memories that i miss greatly.

But i shall return. I over heard them talking about someone who they were going to ask not to come back & help because she was unreliable - that will NOT be me. I may be many (screwed up) things but most of all i hate being unreliable!

Appetite control

I don't understand why i can't control my hunger? Or rather why nothing seems to satisfy it today. Especially when i've eaten far more than i normally would in a whole day, and its only 5pm!

I don't think i'm thirsty, and i'm not even that tired, compared to how tired i have been. Sure the dreams aren't brilliant, i mean hospitals, eating disorder inpatient meals, being sectioned and nightmares containing walking on horses which turned out to be dead aren't exactly happy but last night didn't seem too bad. However i did get myself all stressed out about jobs & interviews and imagining how i would handle it, what i would wear, what would happen step by step etc......

Maybe its just the stress of the job applications and the one in particular that i hand delivered today - that gives a bit of a clue that its not too far from home. I saw the advert last week & have asked so many people & debated it over and over until i've sobbed and cried. Some people have said its not a good idea, other have told me just to go for it (including the bloke from the MH employment charity) but mum has still kind of said she doesn't think its a good idea & i think i'm probably still looking for her approval. Another friend online is worried i will be more hurt by rejection from this than any normal job application, and maybe i will.

I don't know. I can't work on whats going on in my head - and maybe thats why i'm using food to cope with it. I can't decide if the application was right.....

BIT LATE NOW!!!

...so it seems i can't decide if i'm really hungry or not. Have i just answered my own question?


Everything just feel so unsure. I don't feel sure about what's really going on in my head, or my life really. Perhaps physically i'm not that tired, but mentally i'm exhausted.


Oh & due to injury and lack of gym & running for 10 days i'm also bloody miserable a lot of the time!! And stressing that i'll never complete the marathon next April........yes, NEXT APRIL - months away!

Did i mention there's a lot going round in my head and i'm a little tired?

Geting told off

Saturday morning, 8.30am, appointment with K.

It started well, and i confessed my sins (well most of them), discussing my gym addiction which she still doesn't seem to see as a totally bad thing and the ending of college which lead onto looking to the future and what it may hold.

Her view is that if i get offered more psychotherapy from TP then i should take it, but while i'm going through intensive psychotherapy, work is NOT an option. She praised me for taking the therapy on and got very angry when i tried to belittle it, as just someone else i was expected to talk to, which is how i feel everyone else sees it. But K has a completely different take and like i say she got quite angry, in fact i'm not sure i've seen her that cross before. Between us, i realised that she was the only one who saw how "very dangerous" psychotherapy potentially is to me. She really has set my head whirring today.

As i sat there the tears rolled down my face, a lot more than they have done in previous months.

She urged me to relook at the benefits i claim, because maybe i am entitled to more. Trouble is i don't feel entitled to what i get right now, and i'm not sure anyone else does either. I said to her that i can get in my car and go to the gym, so i should be able to go out and get a job too. But her stern & serious face said not.

So it all i got told off for:

• "rubbishing" everything i do/achieve
• rubbishing psychotherapy
• thinking i'm not entitled to things
• oh, and apologising when she said "now i should get on with the rest of my surgery"

But she ended on a positive, asking me to bring a couple of really photos back from my trip across the atlantic.

I feel kind of deflated being told those things, but the trouble is, i know that she probably knows me best out of all professionals and in fact anyone i know. I also know that she never says things lightly. She is a force to be reckoned with at that surgery & as much as the receptionists hate her sometimes for making their lives difficult, they also know she's bloody good at her job.

I know she wouldn't tell me to look into more benefits for no reason, she's not a soppy light touch and works extremely hard herself - sometimes i see her car parked outside the surgery from 8am until 8pm at night! She's hardly likely to encourage benefit scrounging now, is she??!!

No chance to say good bye?

I found out a little while ago over lunch time conversations in the garden that F has retired.

Another trusted person gone. Its been a while since i had anyone leave - last person was Dr PJ, who left me heartbroken. F's departure isn't quite as devastating but it means the surgery are no longer doing blood tests. Which will mean having to go to the local hospital.

I trust F with my scars, she's seen them increase over the years, but she's also seen the ones on my arms stop increasing and fade to one colour. She's struggled to find my veins when they've disappeared due to a BMI of 13.

It takes years to build up that trust and let someone touch my arms. Other than then, no-one really does touch my arms.

I'm sat in the garden with Mum and D but the tears are building, time to make my excuses and run away inside.....

Putting my skills to use

After seeing susie today she & J (who popped in to get something from the treatment room while i was there - twice!) told me that me medical skils are wasted. Susie said she could tell the difference between the doctors care & my own. She asked me whether i had thought about getting into nursing. I mentioned to her about my dreams of being a paramedic, but commented how i didn't think anyone would touch me with my mental health history. She told me i wouldn't know unless i tried.

I have various thoughts on this - firstly it brings back nightmare memories of working as a HCA on a hospital ward - admittedly i didn't have any support, despite never having done anything like that before. When i turned up the manager didn't even know i was starting, so i was thrown in the deepest end possible. Anyway i lastest 2 months before what could have been a fatal breakdown (and goodness knows how it wasn't - or rather it wasn't for me, but it was for the car!). So i don't think i'd want to work on a ward again, but maybe a healthcare assistant in a general practice while i find my feet and get my life on track.

What i was really day dreaming about was being a specialist self harm nurse, so to speak - although i think i just invented that job title! I can seem to find out any info on whether i would be allowed to use my skills as an HCA - so without going the full nursing degree.

Trouble is as soon as i start looking at things like Uni and degrees i get in a state and start crying. Because most uni courses want A levels which i don't have. Which is why nursing, or medicine as susie suggested seems so far out of the question and from a couple of years time it will be the same for paramedic qualifications too. This generally means i get totally dispondant and give up on any idea of it at all.

Who am i kidding? no-one is going to touch me with a barge pole, no matter how good my medical/nursing/emergency care skills are.

Talking, Shouting and Crying.

I can't talk to mum about my problems/issues calmly. It always results in my crying and shouting - well raising my voice.

I think i've pretty much decided that i don't want the skin graft. I think if they were going to go it they should have done it 5 weeks ago. I've been trying to explain to mum my reasons for not having it done. I am struggling with my 3 month pregnant look and hideous weight as it is. The thought of not being able to go the the gym (which i plan to start with my guest passes tomorrow, and then boxercise before the hospital on tuesday) or even being able to walk very far i expect due to a wound/scar on my thigh - it fills me with even more fear.

Mum just told me she slept last night for the first time in a week because she is so worried about me. She said when i go into "full on mode", saying i'm going to do this that and the other (C1 driving licence etc) she knows i'm heading for a big fall.

Great! So everytime i try and do something positive in life now, it is going to be seen as me heading for a fall. So basically i'm never going to be able to try and get on with my life because people are just going to expect me to crash instead.

The fact that its been 8 days since any harm (i don't count hits and gentle punches, i know it is kind of harm but everyone kicks/hits an inanimate object now and then, i just tend to hit myself instead.) which is longer than its been in months. I guess the problem is i can't share that with mum.

I don't know what i can do to show i'm trying, it just seems to go completely unnoticed. Yes, i am still struggling, crying myself to sleep everynight and at least once during the day. But the struggling seems to be what people see rather than my efforts.

Mum made me look at the photo i had done for a makeover/photo shoot last year. She thinks it looks great, even though i am a stone underweight in the photo. What i tried to explain (in a rather raised voice) is that i hate that photo, i hate looking at it every single day, because it reminds me of how skinny i was, and what a bloated, fat monster i've become. I told her i knew she was worried i'd go back to 5 stone but as i told her, i didn't like looking like a skeleton and i did know how much it hurt her for me to see me like that. But i explained i'd rather be skinny that the podge i've become now.

She said my stomach just needed toning up. Stop making excuses mum!!! you can't tone up fat FFS! i need to lose the fat before any toning can be done.

Bring on tomorrow and the gym. Trouble is, D is off work all next week. I hope he goes out like he said he might. Mum was saying how he's be around to take me to hospital appointment etc. I know they want to help but by them being there i end up more stressed and with more pent up emotion that i can't release in front of them.

The idea of booking a room somewhere and running away is starting to appeal again.

Spoken Word

I did a voice recording after i got home from seeing K, as there was so much going round in my head and it was moving too fast for my fingers to keep up with to type it. I thought about how i was going to record it and although i could have pointed the camera away (or probably turned it off, had i been in the mood to figure it out, and still had the right type of file to upload). I'll figure out a way to sort it.

I decided it was unlikely anyone would recognise my voice should they listen to it - as i hardly speak to that many people. Only mum would probably recognise it and if she's discovered Seeking Sanity then i think she would have realised it was me already simply due to the content of the blog!

In short though, i still feel like i want to cry and i'm hoping the meds i got off K tonight will cut short the length of time spent crying myself to sleep, and maybe reduce the dreams' vividness. Trouble is to take away emotional pain and distress i would normally turn to physical pain, to create a physical focus. But i have nothing in my room to cause such damage, and although there are still disposable razors in the wheely bin, that is where they are going to stay. If i have to cry until i have no tears left (is that actually possible?) then so be it, but if i want a career to be proud of then, there can be no more harm. It's been 3 days without even so much as a pin prick, by the next time i see K it should be 17 days, so lets hope i can tell her that it has exactly that.

where to stop?

why is it when i start eating i can't seem to stop? Breakfast was controlled, or rather within my control.

Then we went to my grandparents and it started.........

Toffees in the house.....times 3........ packet of crystalised ginger on the side board, couple of bits of that. Jar of festive mincemeat in the fridge - just a tea spoon to stop the craving mind.

Lunch with nice thickly slice soft bread on offer & flora buttery. Soft creamy blue cheese and then rather more controlled salad with fruit afterwards.

Snacks of nuts, morish salty cashews before dinner, which mum eventually took away from me and put the rest of the small dish my grandfather had put out, back in the jar, stating the question "Shall i save you from yourself?"

Dinner - a non compulsory roll with the soup. more potato that i should have served myself with the salmon and vegetables. Did i really need the creme fraiche with the pear tart tatin? In fact did i need dessert at all? Or the extra mouthful i sneaked along with a mouthful of blue cheese, in the kitchen whilst clearing up?

Now we're home the (low calorie) hot chocolate was to help me sleep, but the measure of Baileys? Did i deserve such a treat? And now i feel like i want to carry on, i want more. But do i really and truely, or is it tiredness and emotional hunger after an emotional day? Or is it the thought of the start of another week, a week which is supposed to be a new start and is scaring me, because a large part of me is terrified by the change. If i ate something more tonight though, would it matter? Afterall i know the weekday restricting will set back in. The question is will i finally get my arse in gear and get to a gym or do some proper exercise, or will my energy levels fail me again.

Hopefully the stress, and fact that i have nothing to cause harm, after the clearout & i know how easy it would be to restock, but what was the point in clearing out and trying to move on?

Seeing K tomorrow afternoon, i'll probably be a wreck by half 3, part of me hopes she see how hard it is and what the dreams/nightmares are doing to me too. I can't take another night of images of hospitals, overdoses, teachers i loved and miss. The past won't leave me alone or stop haunting me right throughout the night. Maybe the tears are a sign i should just try and get some sleep even though i know what is awaiting me during slumber.

Mission complete

After lots of tears, changing my mind about 6 times and in fact having to go back to the doctors again after my appointment - i have got rid of all sharps. Thank you to J for making me realise that if i'm going to do this i need to do it properly.

"Think Green" is my new motto.

Now i'm going to get a hot chocolate, go to bed, put "I'm a celebrity" on and cry until i get this emotional roller coaster of a day out of my system. Perhaps a little hand written diary writing too.