Comfort and Compassion

I'm so glad she's my GP.

After feeling like she didn't understand how much things had affected my before christmas, today I just felt that harsh and firm attitude had gone.  After telling her about the family arguments over christmas and how I was defending by all except the one who doesn't think before he speaks and doesn't care how he make others feel, as i sat with the tears rolling yet again, i'm sure there was a term of endearment used as she told be where the tissues were.  It's something i don't think i've ever heard from her before.

Its not just my family that i feel i have to make things up to, but there are a few professionals too and as she's been my GP for the past 8 years and saved my life literally by coming out to me or seeing me when i had jeopardised my life, not always meaning to at times, I feel i owe her a lot too.

She made me smile though the tears today though.

She said that it wasn't my fault that i came from "a wonky egg" and that it wasn't mum's either.

I do know that now, even if i do need reminding of it occasionally but as i responded to her, i find it hard feeling like i am still living a battle not a life. Do i really have to spend the rest of my life fighting rather than living?

She took my hand before I left.  It's a kind of a cross between a hand shake and that comforting holding of someone's hand.  It's the closest she'll ever (rightly) come to crossing that boundary.  But I know when she does take my hand that I've got it right somewhere and she's willing me to keep fighting.

An answer to her question

I was asked today if I want to stop doing the damage to myself that I've done in the last 10 days. I've lashed out so much. To go with the severe bruising to my arm which I ended up getting xrayed, there's now the 2 injuries that needed suturing which I did on the same day. The 2nd resulting in another trip to the minor injuries unit, where I was seen by the same nurse. Fortunately I was allowed to be patched up and leave which was all I was asking for.

I still can't open a door or lift anything heavy and the bruising is still quite apparent.  Its still keeping me awake at night too. I should have realised I'd lost control when I came home to see J and the shock on her face.  Sad really that I have to use the reaction of a nurse who has seen me at my worst, to gauge whether what I've done is worse than usual.  It shows me that I can't see what is really going on at the moment. I just feel like I've lost track of what I'm doing. Almost lost control.

Yet again I couldn't say that I want to stop. I told her how at the moment it is the fear of being without that coping mechanism.  I don't want to feel like this.  I don't want to feel like I'm clinging on. But I still can't say I want to stop.  It's like it's become part of my identity again and I don't know who I am without self harm.

I feel fine and safe and secure and almost reasonably relaxed while I'm shut in a room with the various people for meetings but when they are over and I'm back on my own life just feels overwhelming. How did it become like this again?  I saw one person a week for support and generally only my mentor for academic stuff when we were in lectures, yet the last few weeks I seem to be seeing one person per day. I never had any contact with out of hours support,  now I'm wishing I felt able to call every evening,  except that really is just taking advantage of help I feel. 

I'm not sure I have what it takes to do this career.  Too many flaws in my personality and character have resurfaced. I thought I'd moved on from them.  I thought I'd left behind the girl with attachment issues and the screwed up thinking.  It seems she's back. I find myself clingy and being conscious of what I say or do in case it shows. The temptation tonight to cause damage and harm to myself to express the distress in my head - to show people that it's really not ok. Those around me here who know the full details have seen it I think. But to get mum to realise?  Is that where I need to go? Will she not realise how much this has knocked me down unless I end up in hospital?

I don't want to go there and I thought the worst of the damage and harm was done but there's still that part of me that wants an easier route out of this.  That sensible part, that logical part that my mentor found so unbelievable is still clinging on. It's that part that despite being off my head on sedatives and alcohol and unaware what I was doing can still go to the library and get books out reasonably relevant to my course.  I don't remember any of it but the books and the receipt from 4.30am told me it happened.

I think what I want is for someone to take this all away from me. As much as these wonderful supportive people can be there for me, the decision is still mine. If I go too far and do something too dangerous and harmful,  there's that chance it will be taken out of my hands. The decision will be taken from me and I won't have to think anymore or have that weight on my shoulders.

But is that really what I want? Did I not come here to move on again in my life? I think my worry is that no matter how much I try I can't leave it behind,  which makes me question whether my career choice is right, despite none of these demons taking hold while I was at work.  Even when the patient came in who had self harmed,  yes it threw me for a bit but the next day was a new day and it didn't have a hold on me.  Where did my mental strength go to?  How have I ended up in this spiral and circle that has trapped me once again?

Do I want to stop harming?  I just can't say yes right now and once again I can't see my life without it.

Stumbling Problem

I have a porn problem. A food porn problem. I'm back into the habit of googling & floolwing links to recipes, and saving some of them in my favourites, knowing full well i will probably never make any of them. Although i have gone as far as to buy some of the ingredients for one.

I've been here before. I know the signs, but i don't want to stop them right now. I'm losing weight & i'm happy with that, even if i do feel physically exhausted & crappy, dizzy etc.

The BMI is down to 21 but i still feel big.

M used the word depression on numerous occasions today while i sat the and talked through my tears. I didn't even feel pleased when i saw the number on the scales - not that i didn't know what it was anyway, the weighing at home is daily, if not more right now. I didn't want to go, driving there. I couldn't be bothered to talk to her today. I just wanted to curl up in a ball instead, and after i had taken my shoes off for the scales i sat with my legs tucked up underneath me, closer to that ball shape.

However from talking to M today, i think i will give the meds a try. Or at least i did, yet sitting here now i'd rather just carry on cutting instead. i feel like i would be masking a problem, that people would expect me to be fine once i was on meds. By as M pointed out, trying to think about anything right now is almost pointless as the depression and blackness is just masking every sensible thought.

How am i supposed to make a decision on my future in the next 2 weeks when i can't see past the next week? And i'm not seeing K again until the 8th August anyway. who knows what will happen in the next 3 weeks. Part of me still wishes something will go wrong, either i collapse or harm & make a mistake. i wish it would be all taken out of my control right now, only trouble is if it was, i'm not sure i'd like their plans, especially if involved hospital.

I don't know what i want at the moment. I don't see a future. It is purely day to day. I get up throw myself at the gym & exhaust myself. In the last 9 days i have done 22 classes plus a 15 minute run plus exercise walking at the stables of about 4 hours in that time.

I'm going to try & cut back in the next week. Either i've exhausted myself or i'm anaemic again, either way the blood test J took yesterday will tell. I booked the appointment friday evening, as i drove home from the supermarket i could feel panic overwhelming me, the dizzyness was stronger & i just felt desperate. I think it was more psychological than physiological friday evening, so i was glad that as i was asking the new-ish receptionist for an appointment with J, E came out and when i replied to her question that i wasn't ok & the tears starting rolling down my face, whilst holding onto my hand over the counter, telling me how well i'd been doing, she told the new girl to unblock a certain reserved appointment (probably an emergency slot that would open up on the morning of that day) so that i could see J straight after the weekend.

Part of me wished E hadn't taken my hand because i wanted more comfort, just like when i collapsed into the ex-bosses arms when i saw him & he had crept up behind me giving me a shoulder massage. My mind flew back 10 years when she had given me a hug, before i crossed the line & got too attached. Although of all the staff she is still the one who will reach out & give me some physical reassurance.

I feel frustrated. frustrated that i don't know what i want. Angry that government organisations won't give me the answers i need. Angry that part of me doesn't want to accept help & is almost happy for things to stay this way, with me harming myself & losing weight, angry because i know i should want to be normal without appointment & the need for help. Yet frustrated that i can't lose control & cause the damage i want to for fear of upsetting my family. Part of me wishes that the cut catch a blood vessel & don't stop bleeding like a few years back, so that i have to try & get myself to the surgery to pray that J & K can stop it, but knowing at the same time that then they know whats really going on in my head.

I think thats the problem, i still feel that if the damage doesn't show physically then no-one will really understand whats going on in my head.

No-one can see the images i see - reliving the past, the damage i caused, the incidents that happened, the stress of being chased my police after absconding, sleeping in a church yard over night when i was on a section 3 and should have been on the ward. No-one can see the thoughts i have, the things i really want to do. How i want to damage my arms, expect if i started wearing long sleeves again now, especially when i go to the gym constantly - it would be too obvious.

I need to go to bed. i can feel that crying myself to sleep is the only way to release this tonight & i know as soon as my head hits the pillow, if not before, the tears will be falling.

"Even if it is broken......

......there's nothing that can be done anyway, is there?"

That was my response to K this morning when she asked me if i wanted an x-ray of my hand. If i had made a better job of punching then perhaps & even though i am in pain, couldn't make a fist for her, flinched every time she touched the knuckle it still doesn't mean there is anything that can be done.

She said to strap it up & stick it in a sling, which isn't really possible when driving & certainly can't happen when i'm at home or at the gym - that will attract even more attention to it. Trying not to show that i can't really use it for the pain is hard enough, especially at the gym. Have had to cancel a class tonight. A, i feel exhausted & B can't make a fist to punch properly. Might have felt different if it was a certain instructor, but its not her so i'm not too bothered. Off to the gym for a class in a bit anyway, so i still get one in at least. Not that my heart rate monitor is working to tell me how hard i'm working, don't think it will be that much anyway the way i feel today.

Think a sleep might be needed this afternoon. Would rather sleep right now but need to get my lazy arse into gear & get changed. I know i need to take a couple of detours too on the way, so i really should move off the sofa.

But before i forget one last thing, K was talking about starting me on a mood stabiliser, to even out the low dips that happen every so often. Maybe its because things have been this way for so long, but there sadly feels like a little security in feeling like this. Sure it might be nice to feeling less depressed but whats the point of feeling less depressed if i have nothing to do - no job etc. Then i'd just be a less depressed exercise addict, yet functioning benefit cheat with no future prospects, rather than a depressed, exercise addict, self hating & harming, pathetic, state scrounging fraud of a person.

I think i'd better stop there & go to the gym.

They just don't leave you alone do they?

Once psychologists get in your head, they just won't leave you alone. Even when you are asleep!

Last night's "sleep" consisted of 3 dreams at least, one containing a school trip on a miniture train & a forest, although then we seemed to end up at the sea side in a town. I can't really remember clear details of any of them, but then that could be classed as a good thing because it means it wasn't so terrifying & gruesome that they have stuck in my mind (i can still see clear images of dreams from last week because part were more like a horror movie!) but then its also a bad thing because my mind over even more active than when i normally dream - i can't recall a night when there's been 3 dreams, 2 maybe but not 3 scenarios. There was also something about me trying to drive and someone had put hellium birthday balloons on my car and i only realised they were there when i started driving and they started popping!

The last one was about a party in this temporary house, the place was a tip yet i still managed to find some Baby Bel to eat......and then somewhere along the lines i became the hero after i caught the granny of the family as she started falling down the stairs. I caught her and then carried her down to the sofa. It then seemed to turn later into the local post office, there was a bit about sports cars outside and then i went in to the post office and was served by a young girl (she was actually the girl who works in the cafe in the village near the PO, and she's the biggest stuck up bitch ever. i really do not like her) who then tried to charge me for items that already had stamps on them!!

The middle scenario that feels most upsetting was where i was seeing TP (this is what i mean by then never leave you alone) and he came to the conclusion that my mental state and mental health issues plus the headaches and heartburn (which i did suffer a lot yesterday) were due to a physical health issue, he asked me if i had been checked for this condition and we then seemed to then go to the hospital where a nice doctor took my blood & asked me questions. I had changed into a hospital gown and it seemed like i was really ill, and i was left in this hospital bed to wait. They both eventually came back and confirmed that i had this blood condition which was causing all my problems, the depression and headaches too.

I don't really remember much after that dream - maybe that was when i woke up choking with a really dry throat. What has stuck in my mind is him. Do i feel guilty for cancelling that last appointment? Why should i? And anyway the TP in the dream was far more friendly and human rather than the TP i've been seeing. I'm not saying he was a total robot psychologist & non-human but in the dream he felt more like RSA, my previous psychologist who was also male - so its not even like a female/male thing. OR maybe it was the fact that he found a cause, a reason for everything i have felt, which in reality there still isn't and probably never will be.

Place your bets please!

So my 2 weeks family holiday is nearly here. I am more stressed than ever, struggling to keep control every minute of every day.

There are so many fears about it that i can't keep track of them all, and from one thing leads another. It just seems to be spiralling.

Needless to say though food & exercise rank highly on my list of worries. Well wouldn't you if you were in a different country, staying with family, in a country that has a reputation for huge appetites and obesity (even more so than the UK)?

M said the last few weeks i've walked in and she's thought i've looked like i've lost wieght - except i've either stayed the same or gained slightly. She's at a loss as to what is going on, especially given my exercise levels & that on average i'm undereating by about 2 days each week.

So i challenged her to take a guess at what i will be in 3 weeks time (2 weeks away for me and the 1 for her) but i will have at least a week back at the gym after my 2 weeks away before my next weigh in with her. So it may turn out that she actually wins the bet (both our weight ranges are written in her diary on the date of our next appointment) in which case i will own her a souvenir from my holiday - i did say i'd keep it if i won the bet, but i know i'll give it to her whatever. Her guess ranges from 2 kg below my current weight to 1kg gain. Where as i am saying i'll gain at least 2kg.

I am trying my hardest to lose as much as i can before i go, just in case i turn into a hippo whilst i'm away.

I guess i had better pack my suitcase...... or i could continue to put it off..... pretending it's not that close & continue spending my energy trying to hold myself instead. A night without bad dreams/nightmares would help too - for the past 3 nights i have been detained in a hospital setting in my dreams. Not sure if that is better than dreaming about being sectioned & the crazee catchers coming to my house to get me, or not. Either way, i wake up feeling as shitty & tired as i did when i went to sleep.

If i disappear for more than 2 weeks, don't be suprised. I am fully expecting a major fallout/breakdown in the near future.

Hot chocolate

All i wanted was a hot chocolate to comfort me as i cry.

I just wanted to curl up in bed, put friends on, cry & take a little comfort from a warm drink, even though the temperature of the air is rather warm.

I turned up to the gym an hour and a half early for my class, and then didn't really get into the class when it finally happened.

I came home, stressed over the silly little thing i needed to do. Car Insurance, research tyre prices, finishes thank you letters......but all i really wanted to do was sleep.

My dreams last night left me with that low feeling hanging over throughout the morning & the nights brain activity left me exhausted too.

But i had to be at an appointment with TP for 4.15pm - although before then i had to return a library book, drop some things off at the charity shop &go to (stand in a long queue) at the post office.

TP was very interested in my dreams - The teacher who dropped everything so we could catch up, ignoring the headmaster & whole school she was supposed to address in assembly. She grabbed my hand and we ran off laughing. It felt safe but i woke up feeling sad because those safe feelings were not a reality.
The other dream I was having some kind of psychotic episode, seeing people & birds in the house. Yet they weren't really there. No-one else could see them & mum was telling me i was making things up.

I suppose TP made some sense when he talked about the dreams but they are not exactly too strange to try and interpret. I felt so angry when i left him & when i got in the car the tears came as normal. If the appointment hadn't been later in the day and i hadn't had another gym class at 6.15pm i don't doubt more serious damage that a few bite marks & a dead leg, would have been done. I just felt so angry, partly because i felt i'd let him in too much, like i was letting him win. But again is was just a surge of overwhelming emotion too.

Fortunately the class at the gym was a very high tempo class (constantly at about 140bpm if not more!) and i threw everything i had into it.

I arrived home, talked to mum & D about the tennis - to be asked "Have you done anything except watch the telly?"

Fuck you mum. Just because i don't work doesn't mean i watch TV all day.

And now the sodding kettle has broken so i've lost that little comfort that helps me get a smoother nights sleep.

Fall out

I'm seeing the fall out - or perhaps my brain has actually fallen out.

Confessed to the harm injuries to my first class instructor, who was a little worried but when i told her i'd completed a weeks worth of classes without ripping the stitches out and that i was kind of taking it easy she relaxed a little.

The brain was fine with aerobics but then i know the routine well after a month of it. Body Balance is slower so was easier to follow and i chose to do a strength card in the gym for half hour, with half an hour break which didn't actualy seem to help my brain. I just seemed to lose it in LBT. I lost concentration, could get the right lead leg and was starting to get a little pissed off.

i stumbled around tescos for half an hour (probably longer) trying to figure out what i could eat, and came away with a sugar free jelly, bag of mandarin & 2 boxes of porridge oats, which were on offer.

Somehow now its 5pm....... I know i didn't leave the gym until 1.40pm (i got there at 9.15am, perhaps i should just live there!) D will be home soon..... i think i've got lost this afternoon......i don't know where i went though.......

How the hell am i going to make it though college tomorrow?

5 more reasons

It became clear that an appointment with K, after the one with Terry Pratchett, wasn't going to stop me from the battle with me against my subconscious.

Terry Pratchett..... i don't really remember. I was freezing cold, shivering by the end. Having waited 30 minutes before someone decided they would check to see if he was actually free. Stupid CMHT. Started off talking about my emotional attachment to mum. Now other that living under the same roof, physically i don't rely on her too much, emotionally neither - other than the fact i feel more comfortable & safer living here, knowing she is coming home at about 6pm each day. I actually think he came to the conclusion that mum needs more help on that issue than me. But then if i do things that worry/scare her how can she be expected not to worry! At one point he told me i was answering the question fairly openly but with respect to what happened not how i felt, and asked me if i realised i was doing that. He asked me what happened - I told him - had he said "how did you feel specifically....?" well that's obviously a different question!

We then drifted onto self harm, when/how it started etc etc. i told him the "first cut" story & things seemed to end shortly after that. I think i may have glazed over and slipped into a parallel universe, because when i looked at the clock it was 2.40pm (having finally started at 1.45pm, instead of 1.10pm) I slightly too scared to ask what happened, just in case i said something i shouldn't have or didn't mean to - if i don't mention it again maybe he won't bring it up.

Although i think there will be a different topic of conversation in 2 weeks time, as K is planning to call him & let him know exactly how these sessions are affecting me after. I did tell him i was distressed although i neglected to mention that i had to be sewn up by a GP last week after. This is the bit of information that K feels he should know.

K thinks i should give my subconscious a name like "Little Susie", "Baby Susie" or "Less mature Susie" - personally i prefer the "the demon". She said i should be......i can't remember the word she used - but basically she said something along the lines of that fact that i should be pleased that someone is finally taking me seriously. That remark made me wonder - what have her thoughts been all along? Has she long thought that the severe self harm, when i haven't really been in control, was something more than self harm? Has she been left feeling like she was totally helpless in what she could do for me because she isn't a psych or higher up the ranks? (despite being probably the most powerful at the surgery - trust me, her word is God down at that place!) She thinks my subconscious is out to get me, whichever way i look at it. Either i battle it out and keep going for as long as i can before i end up losing total control and not knowing what I'm doing - or i end up harming in an attempt to do something to cause damage before i get to a state where i don't recall what I'm doing.

I was giving K examples of incidents, most recently being November last year. I don't recall taking most of the tablet the packets and blood tests said i took. Before then with the burn on my stomach, K said it looked like a result of repeated applications of the chemical (re-reading my diary it was a week before i sought medical help from J & K), however from my memory, i can recall about 2 occasions and maybe a couple of vague ones - but that could be how it might have happened in my mind when trying to think about it.

I did, eventually, show her todays injury & was surprised when she agreed to let me see to it myself - after going and getting me some sterile sutures. Although this was perhaps one that i should have got help with - i had an injury like this previously which ended up with me being carted of in an ambulance. Fingers crossed I've sorted it though. Just have to be careful at the gym tomorrow, again.

As usual she spent more than the 12 minute appointment slot with me, but that's not too bad being last on her list - even if it does mean the receptionists have locked me in yet again!

I seem to be holding together which is good because the doctors (sister practice in the next village) closes in 10 minutes. Now i'm just shattered, yet despite that i can't shift that murky cloud with is hanging above my head, waiting to open up and let the tears flow. Although right now i almost feel cried out & too tired for anymore. I think my head has gone on lock down again, emotions and feelings are off limit, finger & brain connection is starting to fade too.

K said she wasn't surprised of my reactions to this. I still feel after so many years of talking, psychs, therapy, CPNs etc etc that i should be able to deal with it and get a grip, yet instead i'm losing my grip again. Maybe i should get some books out of the library on the subconscious as K suggested. Anyone any recommendations?

Clouds already here, not even on the horizon anymore

I'm so tired. Tired of dragging/driving myself to the gym, in tears & then driving home again in tears. On Monday it was too hard to hold it it & as soon as N asked me what was wrong, i promptly burst into tears - poor bloke.

There are so many things going around in my head. Exams, memories of school & hospitals, exercise, food.......

I think i'm going to attempt the exam, but if i now work my backside off & actually pass, then people will simply turn round as say i had nothing to worry about. But if i fail.........

When the depression clouds move it, they bring the exhaustion, memories, vivid dreams, nightmares. On the upside the tiredness wins over the fights with the appetite. But the when you're even more tired than normal trying to do 3 hours at the gym becomes even harder.

I'd like to stop. Stop everything. No gym, no college, no going out. But i know i can't. I'm too scared. I'm too scared that if i stop the weight will pile on, which is why after 5 and a half hours at college tomorrow i'll shall, no doubt head to the gym and carry on the battle against my body.

A safe place.

I don't care if it seems babyish or childlike, but i think every now and then human beings need cuddles. Not romantic cuddles, not parent/child cuddles, not patronising sympathy cuddles. Just someone to hold them, help them block out the word & protect them from everyone and everything outside.

I want to create a bubble around me and my protector. I imagine 3 layers/barriers - a humans arms around me, inside the imaginary bubble and inside a room (with the door closed). No words need to be spoken.

It doesn't have to last for long. I'm not asking for this forever. Everyone has their own ideal escape from the world, to re balance to mind.

For me, at the moment, i feel like i am being attacked & pressured from all sides. Everywhere i turn there is something/someone else out to get me. I just want a safe place, a space to let out everything I'm holding inside me.

Yesterday, there was only one semi permeable barrier while i sat and sobbed. There were four walls but the doors could be opened by anyone at any time.

I can't turn to mum. I can't let her see how much things are on top of me right now. But without anyone else to turn to without a) the fear of being turned away or b) feeling like i am putting too much onto someone i don't know well enough, then i fear i am running the risk of building up the pressure to a level where the release comes at a point when i lose control.

I can see two situations, one that i doubt will ever happen and another that may be possible, but i worry i would scare her off by clinging on so tightly. As is always the case though its the impossible that i would prefer.








This isn't coming out as i would like. My brain is too tired and drained to find the right words & express them as i am really feeling. I think i also have a fear of judgement. If i admit the exact details of what i wish for, i will be confirming things that people may think about me, that i don't believe to be true. That my wish for a little comfort is a disorder not a symptom of an illness.

Growing and growing

I can't cope with this. I'm growing bigger and bigger, despite 5 days at the gym last week with at least 2 hours there each day, working hard and also under eating by at least a whole day's calorie allowance.

What else can i do? Live at the gym? My knee joints are already incredibly painful, and I'm considering going to see J because i won't be able to walk soon! Plus i have to take at least a double dose (today it will be treble) of caffeine tablets to get me moving rather than falling asleep.

According to ideal weight guides I'm well over mine, and my goodness my clothes are telling me so! I look 4 months pregnant still.

To add to my stress D has man flu, and is off work today. He really annoys me when he's ill actually. He has this pathetic cough which means he can't simply cough once but has to splutter it out each time. He can't just have a simple cold - it has to be man flu all the way. Another good reason to stay at the gym for as long as possible today.

Blood test in an hour and a half (10.10am), which is kind of annoying because it means i can't get to a class at either gym because one starts at 10am and the other at 10.25am and they are the only classes until the evening and the evening classes get booked up at least a week in advance, and actually so do the day classes.

Even after a dose and a half of caffeine tablets so far, i still want to go back to sleep. What can i do? Someone please tell me! sat looking at this blob of a body i just want to sob my heart out (although i can't as D has now made it downstairs), i don't even feel like i want to harm and attack because i don't even feel i have the energy for that. I just feel like i want to sleep. I have probably enough energy to get to the doctors although it might involve defrosting the car first!! But i think it might take a bit more pill popping to get me to the gym, however i think that should probably wait until i get back just in case it screws up the blood test. After all I'm supposed to be looking for reasons for this tiredness and it probably not going to show much if I'm dosed up to the eyeballs!

Chocolate Comfort

I can't pinpoint the emotions and i really have no clue as to a reason, if in fact there is one.

I feel exhausted, so much so that even the Pro Plus tablets didn't seem to take much effect yesterday.

All i want is comfort - good job its the lower calorie Options hot chocolate i'm drinking otherwise i would have reached the daily guideline for calories on hot chocolate alone! Although i think i managed to make a reasonable dent in that with the cheese i ate before & during lunch.

It feels like food is the only way i can find comfort right now. Each night when i sleep my nocturnal thoughts are filled with memories and stories created around the characters. So vivid and intrusive, i wake with my mood ever lower than when i had finally managed to settle myself in bed for sleep. Hospitals, sectioning, previous jobs, childhood friends from a secondary school that i loved so dearly.......All of these taunting me about my regrets of the past and scaring me about what may lay ahead in the future.

I'd love to have a nap right now, but i'm afraid things won't feel any better when i wake. My protruding, bloated belly won't have disappeared thats for sure, which i suppose is partly why i've lost the will to be in control and simply continue to feed it - with fruit as well as the odd not so healthy snack. I worry about critisism from mum & D, which means most of the extras, especially the unhealthy ones are consumed in secret and aquired when it cannot be noticed that they are missing. For example the small(ish) Fox's chocolate biscuits are not missing from the top layer in the tin, but from, where it will not be seen at the moment, the lower layer. (Although there may be questions to answer when the top layer is finished and it is noticed that there are already biscuits missing from the lower layer!)

Keeping a food diary seems to have failed in keeping my appetite and consumption under wraps. Even though looking in the mirror brings me to tears, by seeing that my jaw line has vanished, and in its place a 2nd chin has appeared, i still feel to tired to fight the appetite. I wish it was a body dysmorphic perception however the comparision between photos from the past few months are counting against that theroy.

I'm booked in for pilates of tuesday, but right now i'm not sure if i'll make it to the gym tomorrow or for anything other than the pilates class. Maybe the thought of trying out my new pink boxing gloves will inspire me. I wish i could afford a personal trainer, someone to motivate me back into shape.

I surrender - time for an afternoon nap.