Dear Dr L, TP & CMHT admin staff... (explicit language)

Why can't they just leave me alone? I was doing fine again until the letter arrived about the dreaded meeting. And then when mum phoned to tell them about their screw up, they sent me another one - Don't send me another, just FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!

I know about the meeting so i don't need another letter, with a cover note, apologising for "any distress caused" You want to know about distress caused? I'll tell you. When i saw what it was i was fuming, the letter (and cover note) is now back in the envelope in little pieces. After taking my initial anger out on the pieces of paper, i sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I felt like i wanted to cry forever, like i couldn't cry enough to get the feelings out. Previously harming is a way to stop the tears - but you are not worth causing damage to myself over. I will not bare scars that are connected to you any more. Scars are only worthy of feelings & emotions about issues that have nothing o do with any of you.

So i went upstairs and lay on my bed with my tears soaking my pillow, it wouldn't surprise me if the pillow is still damp now. I cried all the way to the supermarket & then all the way back home again as i had forgotten the shopping bags where i was in such a mess.

I will not be coming to your meeting, i am going to find out my rights over what you can say without my presence & if i find out my mother knows any details i have shared with you, then i shall be making a formal complaint.

Every week i saw TP my mood plummeted & the harm i caused due to the feelings i felt - i do not need that. The mere thought of seeing any of you drags my mood down instantly & i can't hide that from mum. I do not need you weakening my defences.

I never wish to see any of you ever again.

P.S Dr L, you really need to sort out that midlife crisis, faded red/orange dyed hair. You used to look respectable, now you and your red tights, short skirts and disastrous hair cut and colour look like mutton dressed as lamb. Its actually laughable but in a sad pathetic way not a funny one.

This is why i don't trust my MH team/trust

A story (*Suicide warning*) in the local paper just popped up on my facebook feed, it shows me that i am right to not trust my crisis team, or any of the local MH team in my area. This story is about the same team who sent me -someone well known to them, including the nurse who assessed me that day/morning/night (i don't recall what time of day it was) & well know for being a massive danger to myself - home, after an OD that left me unconscious & seizing.

Obviously places, names and any other details that might give my identity and location away have been removed. (So its bascially just the outline of the story!)

Depressed man killed himself three hours after hospital discharge

By Court Reporter

THREE hours after a depressed man was discharged from hospital, he jumped in front of a train still wearing his pyjama top and NHS identity tag, an inquest heard.

Mr Patient, 46, of A Nearby Town, was assessed by a mental health nurse at The local Hospital, Scummy Town, September 13, 2008. The medic decided he was calm and co-operative and allowed him to go home an inquest at Court Town was told today.

Mr Patient, of a close, down a Lane, was not having any further thoughts of suicide at that time and was optimistic, the nurse (not a nurse i recognise) told the Coroners Court.

The skilled handy man was discharged at 11am with arrangements for follow up care in the community.

However, at 1.45pm, he jumped from the platform at Edge of Scummy town station in front of the 80mph town to city train.

The inquest heard that Mr patient had left a letter at his place of work which was recovered later.

The coroner was told that Mr patient had a history of depression, suicidal thoughts and self-harm and was well known to local mental health services.

He had recently suffered a relationship breakdown and on September 11, he was treated in hospital after drinking a large quantity of alcohol. He said he was feeling depressed.

Mr Nurse, a registered mental health nurse with the Crisis Assessment Treatment Team for 'local county' NHS Foundation Trust, told the inquest he had dealt with another patient and was asked to see Mr Patient, even though it was 2am. (even through it was 2am?? The crisis team are meant to be 24hrs are they not? why else are they based at the hospital MH unit and doing night shifts??!!)

Mr Patient agreed to the 45 to 60 minute interview and the nurse said he was aware of his history and the state of his relationship.

He told the inquest: "When we saw him, he was calm, he was co-operative, was willing to speak to us and engage with us.

“While he was tearful about his circumstances, he did tell us he felt safe to go home, he was not having any further thoughts of suicide at that time and was being optimistic about addressing his problems."

Mr Nurse said that in his professional view, Mr patient did not meet the criteria to be detained under the Mental Health Act.

British Transport Police coroner's officer told the inquest the train driver of the 1.30pm service from the north town saw a man standing within the yellow lines at the platform edge at edge of scummy town station. He sounded the horn and the man stepped back. However, Mr transport officer continued: "Then the male ran towards the platform edge and jumped off the platform in front of the train. Mr patient was wearing a pyjama top and a hospital identity bracelet with a patient number and had a hospital discharge form, said Mr transport officer. The coroner recorded a verdict that Mr patient, who died from multiple injuries, killed himself.

This story is why if i am ever ill i will not go to that nearest hospital that is 15 minutes away (that and bad memories) but would rather go to a hospital that is twice the distance. And i actually chose to do that when K sent me to hosiptal with a self harm injury this time last year. I just have to remain consciousness enough and know what i'm doing to remember to refuse that hospital - which with the OD last year, mum did what she thought was right and i was in no state to call those shots.

Of course hopefully i will not get that depressed again, or lose control to that extent.

Signs of a bad shrink

In todays session examples were given as follows by Terry Pratchett:

1. Doing up of flies, obviously having seen he had forgotten to do so after returning from a bathroom break between clients. Good job i avoid eye contact, sadly i still have ears!
2. Falling asleep. Identified by closing of eye, nodding of head, turning off of heating, shifting position constantly etc etc. Sadly the lack of eye contact worked in his favour here - he probably thought i didn't notice a lot of the time, because i can't kep eye contact (or look in that general direction).

I have 2 theories about the sleeping thing. 1 is that he is genuinely crap. The other is that he was tricking me & because he thought that i thought he was asleep, he knew i would talk (because i thought he wasn't listening) more openly.

However we (unsuprisingly) didn't talk about anything new, covered the same old crap & i listened to the same old psychobable - even if there was less of it due to the napping, it was still the same old stuff.

And i left feeling just a shit, and cried all the way home yet again. Next question is how honest should i be when K calls me tomorrow morning?