No excuses

Theere are no excuses for my abscence.

I just haven't felt like blogging.

There still been plenty going on. Maybe there's been too much going on. I don't do very well with time management; My room is a tip, I haven't completed the extra bits on the volunteer project i've been doing, I haven't started the college (yes i'm attempting to study again)assignment i got monday (its now Friday), I'm trying to get fundraising bits sorted for my run (paper forms & cards with online sponsor page, just a T-shirts & the emailing round/publicity to do) - oh & i'm still trying to lose all the weight i gained over Christmas. Probably about half a stone, but its not just over eating at christmas, its huge lack of exercise due to illness too. So that flat tummy i worked so hard to gain has gone. But i need to be thinking about running really as i am extremely behind with training. So for now it will be running 4 days a week, yoga/pilates etc 4 times a week, a couple of my beloved classes on a sunday (although one of them is one of those 4 yogaish ones) and fridays i may do a weights class but taking it gently.
Except for half term & tutorial weeks when i get the chance to do classes with instructors i really miss doing classes with.

That kind of brings me onto why i've returned. The nightmare last night was that mixture of painful upsetting because it was comfort that i know will never happen & very distressing because it was dragging up some of the worst of the past. I can't recal the order of events but it included all of these points:

• M, an instructor i miss doing classes with rescuing me when my car broke down & i was very distressed & taking me back to her place


• Where my psych called me and told me i was going to be sectioned (It was my first adult services psych who couldn't really speak english & grabbed my arm & pushed up my sleeve to see my scars - funnily enough i always hated him) when i asked why it was due the arm band marks that mum had seen on my tummy - which apparently made me a danger to myself (WTF goes on in my head while i'm asleep?!)


• I told M it would be fine as i hadn't been harming, so i'd go but they had no grounds to section me.


• Except they did. horrible psych was there with another of my current instructors R who was trying to get him to see the benefits of the classes while he just said it was me damaging myself. There was another bloke in the room i was in too & i can't recall what but he doesn't have a positive feel attached to him - quite the opposite.


• Somewhere along the lines i was talking to someone at a yard who was telling me she had met me before when i'd had a car accident with a horse box, but i was sure that i had only had one serious incident which didn't involve anyone else (which is true). I felt all confused in the dream but kind of confused when i woke up too. Its like the dream was becoming reality and i couldn't separate the 2.


• There was something else too about getting ready for a party & getting the theme wrong & then we were at this restaurant & someone dropped the game of battleships & mum & i were trying to find all the little pieces. All though there were no familiar faces other than mum, it still didn't feel like a happy dream. like there was something underlying which still makes me want to wake up & cry.

Which is pretty much what i did - well on the car on the way here, to college. Is it a bit risky blogging from college? That does seem to be a big theme with me right now - Apathy. I couldn't give a shit about anything. Its taken me a month to start stressing about the weight gain - stressing to the point of harming at least and even then i couldn't be bothered to do that damage i felt i wanted too.

Anyway in 7 minutes i need to be in class where we are giving indvidual presentation - just what i need!

Stumbling Problem

I have a porn problem. A food porn problem. I'm back into the habit of googling & floolwing links to recipes, and saving some of them in my favourites, knowing full well i will probably never make any of them. Although i have gone as far as to buy some of the ingredients for one.

I've been here before. I know the signs, but i don't want to stop them right now. I'm losing weight & i'm happy with that, even if i do feel physically exhausted & crappy, dizzy etc.

The BMI is down to 21 but i still feel big.

M used the word depression on numerous occasions today while i sat the and talked through my tears. I didn't even feel pleased when i saw the number on the scales - not that i didn't know what it was anyway, the weighing at home is daily, if not more right now. I didn't want to go, driving there. I couldn't be bothered to talk to her today. I just wanted to curl up in a ball instead, and after i had taken my shoes off for the scales i sat with my legs tucked up underneath me, closer to that ball shape.

However from talking to M today, i think i will give the meds a try. Or at least i did, yet sitting here now i'd rather just carry on cutting instead. i feel like i would be masking a problem, that people would expect me to be fine once i was on meds. By as M pointed out, trying to think about anything right now is almost pointless as the depression and blackness is just masking every sensible thought.

How am i supposed to make a decision on my future in the next 2 weeks when i can't see past the next week? And i'm not seeing K again until the 8th August anyway. who knows what will happen in the next 3 weeks. Part of me still wishes something will go wrong, either i collapse or harm & make a mistake. i wish it would be all taken out of my control right now, only trouble is if it was, i'm not sure i'd like their plans, especially if involved hospital.

Eating Out & Distraction

Its mum & D's anniversary today & mum wouldn't shut up about me not going out to dinner with them. So to keep her quiet (as usual) i relented and went. Now i severely wish i hadn't.

It started fine, but then D ordered a started and expected me to share it. It was 5 chunks of bread with oil, vinegar and salt for dipping. I said i didn't want a started but he kept offering it to me. I hate myself for it but i gave in. I only had the equivelent to about a large slice of bread, a bit of the vinegar and some salt. So i'd safe certainly no more than 200 kcal tops.

As a main i'd order a starter portion anyway, but as i was eating in all i could think was "the fat in this goats cheese" & "the oil in these dressings". Plus the rectangle of polenta had been fried, shallow not deep i think, but still greasy. And the veg had been oiled before roasting too. Why can't people cook anything without oil thesedays?

Then what really got me all over the place, was i saw Susie. Thankfully she was there with friends who weren't work collegues, so there wasn't anyone else who might have recognised me. My intention was to order a starter and then maybe have pudding later. But as soon as i saw her I didn't want to eat another thing. I felt so self conscious. Part of me wanted her to see me in heels, tight jeans and a lowish cut top rather than the state she normally sees me in when i need to see her. But all of a sudden i just wanted to get out of there. I didn't want pudding & luckily there wasn't anything i really fancied, but i didn't want to sit and linger like mum & D were either.

I was so distracted after i'm seen her. I don't know why. She knows me well, we get on, i trust her - she's totally lovely. So why did i freak out?

Food should have been too much of a worry. So far i'd had junst under 1000 kcal, so still had about the same again to go. Plus i'd been for a run before lunch which including the warm up & cool down too burnt 370 kcal according to my HRM. So even after the bread i still had 800 at least to go. Yet i couldn't eat anything more after my starter - which was my main course and i still can't now i'm home.

I don't want to eat out again. The way i felt after, the stress..... I came home and immediately changed into my PJs, i wiped the mascara, a rare bit of make-up, that i had applied. I needed to be be back in something where i couldn't feel the waistband digging into the flabby tyre around my waist and making the scars on my stomach so irritated that i just want to scratch and scratch. I didn't want to be in my own body or skin really.

I need to lose the tyre, yet still can't seem to. Powerplate, weights, running - nothing is working. I've given up on the metabolism-boosting-normal-amount-of-calories eating, and it's back to under 1200 if i can but certainly under 1500. Only 5 days until the london ED clinic now, hoping i get to seen the dietician on that day too.


Focusing on one thing really is an issue right now - 2 hours after starting this post i'm going to actually hit "publish post".

Brain Swimming now Sinking

Bloods taken, results in a week.

Physio referal, wait and see.

Run though pain, just keep going. Must keep training.

Ice x3 daily, reduce inflamation which J confirmed.

Detail everything that passes my lips.

Detail all exercise.

Lose the extra weight - about 14lb/7kg.

Referal to London, hope it comes soon.

Appointment with TP & Dr L, dreading the looming nightmare situation.

Appointment with M tomorrow.

Hair appointment friday - DO NOT let mum pay!

Drop mum & D to airport early Saturday, go to D's work Saturday morning.

Survive 3 and a half days completely alone.

Get head around new staff at the surgery - a job that could have been mine if i hadn't got too close to the place. More new people who don't know or understand. Who's leaving to make room? Who am i going to have to get over leaving now?

Can i handle going to that place to see K anymore?

Keep up the volunteering.

Get a Job.

Keep the job.

Get some qualifications.

Earn some money.

Pay off debts.

Stay in control.

Stop crying.


GET A FUCKING GRIP!

Confidentiality

This meeting is driving me insane. I had a good chat about it with M today. She offered to come to it - if i could get her an invite. But i'm still not sure i want to go myself. If i go i will spend the next 3 weeks stressing with no doubt more nightmares and on the day being the most horrendous person to live with, not want to be near anyone & then fall apart the next day because i will be trying my hardest to keep it together in front of mum & D.

If i don't go, however, i'm worried that things will be said & confidentiality will be broken without my permission. But if i make the decision that i am not going, now, then i won't have to stress for the next 3 weeks. If i don't go, i will find out my rights regarding confidentiality and then if mum & D come back knowing anything they shouldn't, i'll sue their arses off!

But even in the initial meeting back in january things were said that i didn't give them permission to divulge. I'd told Dr L during an appointment with her that Mum, D, Nan & Grandpa were the 4 reasons i was still alive & if they weren't around i really had no other reason. The depression has worn me down & if i hit a low patch & i was on my own then i don't think i'd see a rason to fight. I'm living my life for mum - which has often been said to me. Anyway Dr L came out with this before i could stop her back in january, and i can recall mentioning that i didn't want mum knowing when i was in my appointment with Dr L. So whether i'm there or not i think things will be said that i don't want said.

I think i need to find out my rights somehow, somewhere.




On the stressful/down side & in other news, M is refering me back to London to the ED unit. She she to refer me back to the unit generally so that i can see the dietician there. She thinks the guy there would be really good & might be able to help. My 2000 a day experiment has gained me nothing but 1.2kg in a week. Hippo-ness here i come! I want to just go back to restricting right this instant. But i can't just yet, i have to stick to 1800 to 2000 until i see the dietician, so i can show/prove that something is really wrong. I shouldn't gain on 2000 a day as it is, let alone with the amount of exercising & walking i do. M is baffled, hence the referal to the specialist again. I'm praying he will have an answer or suggestion but i'm dreading having to go to a place where there will be skinny women that will make me feel even more of a fat fraud.

Its hard enough leaving the house & finding clothes to wear that don't cling to me right now. I stood in the health food shop and cried today trying to decide on a snack to help me reach my 1800 target. It took me 10-15 mins in that shop to buy a simple Eat Natural bar. Its OK going to the gym because there are other people trying to fight the flab and it shows i'm trying my hardest to do something about it. No-one outsie the ED world really understands though. Afterall my BMI is 23.9 & still within the healthy range, so what am i so upset about? Only M truely knows what this is doing to me mentally. With the other issues too, i cried for about 75% of our hour & a half appointment today.

I am starting to think that unless i give in to the weight gain, i will have to live the rest of my life hungry.

Closed Doors

If a door is closed, do you:

a) walk past a wait for the person to come of of the room
b) knock and wait for a reply
c) knock and barge straight in
or d) barge straight in.


I'm sure you can guess which option my mother chose this morning at 7.45am. what has particularly caused the stress though is i was semi-clad (nickers only) standing on the scales. The fact that i was on the scales is not such a problem, but how much of my stomach she saw........

Well i'm praying not very much as I had a lot of my back to her. Fortunately i had a small-as-possible (for the size of the wound) waterproof plaster (so transparent edging) over the latest sutures, but she doesn't know about any of the other recent scars from sutures and she still hasn't seen the burn scar from october last year.

I haven't crossed her path again yet, and am currently downstairs trying not to eat a whole packet of cereal bars (145 calories a bar) and anything else. I think my weight is up from yesterday (don't know, didn't trust mum not to barge in again after earlier) after a horrible day of eating, even though it was just under the RDA for calories, it still feels like a binge. And to make matters worse we're going out to Sunday lunch today because of a meeting D's going to which is about 40 mins from home. I know i don't have to go, but it just causes more upset if i say no, plus now i'm not sure i can trust myself to stay at home and not overeat. For some reason its fine during the week, i have much more control, but at the weekends things just go to pot, completely.

Knee Deep

As i sat in a cafe today, after 2 hours of gym classes, i realised as i cried & drank my diet coke, just how deep i am back into the world of anorexia.

I keep telling myself i can't possibly be the A word, due to my size & weight (spare me the lectures i know the criteria for EDs) and that i am simply on a diet - like every other woman at the gym.

But sitting, crying because i can't order more than a diet coke, despite having giving output at the gym worth around 1000 calories (2 high impact classes on a friday morning, which i was complimented on during the 1st and 2nd for my "form" and effort) kind of says it all really. I couldn't even bring myself to ask what their special salad was - having discounted the goats cheese salad (too high calorie - even though i adore goats cheese) and the ham salad (haven't eaten meat since the ED started in 2006).

K says that it is better than ways i could be dealing with stuff right now. She almost praised me on the phone the other day for holding it together. But is dropping a fair amount of weight in a couple of weeks holding it together? From a BMI of 24.2, to 22.2?

Maybe it is better than crashing my car, ending up with a Hb of 4.3 or an OD resulting in seizures. It doesn't seem to get across whats going on in my head. But i'm too scared of hurting the little family i have, which is why i have to stay in control enough that i know what i'm doing, which means coping in my own way. I'm still a long way off underweight, so i just cope my body can continue, after all it has enough body fat to keep it going!

Cosmetic Surgery

I'm seriously considering it. Just to get rid of the bits i don't want. Not to enhance, not to shape bone and not on my face.

Just a little removal of the wobbly bits/stuff. The bits i now can't seem to shift with diet or exercise.

I'm not stupid enough to go abroad for it because its cheap over seas (but after a flight/travel etc its probably just as expensive.) but i am tempted by one well know company's offer of a free consultation. That just sounds too good to be true though. Is it really totally free? Or just free i you agree to a procedure. Like opticians who often offer free eye tests when you buy any pair of glasses.

I wish i knew someone who had been there & had the work done.

Then of course there is the issue of money. I'm not totally sure i want to spend the only savings i have. Maybe if i win the lottery - perhaps i should start playing the lottery more, then i'd have more chance of winning! I don't qualify for their £79 a month finance deal because you have to work full time for that.

Hmmm ok. i need that lottery win...... prices from £2965............. i really can't afford that.





I really wish i could though.

Shopping and EDs don't mix

I have a wedding to go to in July. I have been vaguely looking for a dress, and today whilst entertaining our visitors at a big shopping centre i found something that was almost looking OK. But i called mum in to see what she thought.

She loved it on me, saying i look elegant, grown up, mature, stunning etc etc.

"You should know by now that i don't bother lying to you anymore" She said. "Yes you do have a stomach" as in a stomach that shows as a bump with tight clothing "But so do i"

I got annoyed telling her she had a 30 year head start on me with that one & that at 23 i should look like i am pregnant!

I didn't buy the dress then, but went back later on, just to see if it was still there. Mum followed me in & even though i was still undecided & close to tears, she went ahead and bought it, telling me i can return it if i decide i really don't want it. This is not a cheap dress at £75. So not only will i be wasting money if i don't wear it or return in within the 28 days unworn, but i will be wasting HER money.

Cue some comfort eating - a large soft pretzel from The Bread Shop.

She suggested some tummy control tights which i thought might do the job, but when i got home and tried a pair of hers on with the dress, i still looked pregnant! Cue floods of tears, a few sit ups (before i simply collapsed into tears again) & later lots of comfort eating - large portions of slices of 2 cakes (fruit & lemon drizzle) on top of pudding (banoffee tart).

I think my gym efforts need to be seriously stepped up when i get back there next week.

I told mum i'd let her pay for the dress & i'd pay for the liposuction. Her words were "don't you dare!" I said it rather flippantly but i think she knows with me these days that actually i could/might do anything and to take anything i say, semi seriously.

In 10 hours time we need to be leaving the house to get the train to London for the next day out. I still feel so on edge though, as though i want to comfort eat some more. Thing is, i actually feel physically full & don't feel physically hungry. Which then leaves me with the other punishment option/choice - harming. I'll see once i get up to my room.

Not enough

Why does my attempts at exercise feel like its not enough? Why do i still feel like i'm eating far too much? Why do i still feel like i look 3 months pregnant?

Managed to keep inside the calorie GDA (although i'm sure i read somewhere that apparently the female GDA is an underestimation) today but it still felt like a massive overeat. Compare to last weeks daily intake, i suppose it was, for the last 3 days (certainly over the weekend) i've eaten double the amount or calories i ate monday to thursday last week.

As for exercise, well i got to the gym half an hour before my class, so did 20 minutes in the gym before going upstairs to jump up and down (which my joints really don't like) for the first half of the class, then swing some weights around with some sit ups and stretches to finish. Its a great hour long class, with a wonderful instructor who when i broke down on one day, confided in me that she's been on a psych ward and suffers from Bipolar. I feel safe in her class, knowing she's keeping an eye on me. And i know she does, as she caught me staring into space today and snapped me out of it, encouraging me to go fora swim after the class. Which is what i did. I'd said to T at the time, that swimming didn't feel like enough but my knees and ankles hurt so much (i forgot the painkillers this morning) after bouncing up and down in T's class, that i changed my mind.

So after 30 minutes of up and down the fast lane, breaststroke, backstroke & front crawl, i dragged my shrivelled fingers & toes out to get changed. At which point i had a huge wobbly moment & called mum too ask if it was too late to change my mind about meeting her for lunch- which of course it wasn't. After lunch i decided i could squeeze in a quick gym dash before getting home to watch House (i'm catching up on series 1).


So,

1. 20 minutes gym (bike & cross trainer)
2. 1 hour class
3. 30 minutes swimming
4. 20 minutes (row, bike, cross trainer & treadmill - 5 each)

Why does that not feel like enough? I was contemplating going back to another gym this afternoon, however i rearranged a personal training session (that i cancelled due to illness a couple of weeks ago) for tomorrow morning, so i decided i should conserve my energy for 9.30am tomorrow when i will be pushed out of my comfort zone. And if i survive, i have a pilates class 15 minutes after that.

And i'm sure that won't feel like enough either.

Confirmation (via mother)

It seems i am even too big/overweight/f-a-t according to my mother now too. I have been getting various comments since she realised i was try with all my might to loose weight. In fact i'm starting to wonder now if she'd care if i stopped eating all together - if only i could fight my appetite & the stress/comfort eating that much.

When she first noticed i'd started cutting back (plus going to the gym 4/5 days a week) her words were "I'm watching you!" but in a matter of a couple of months that has turned completely full circle.

One wednesday when she had asked me what i had done that day, i though i'd try and prove to her that i was trying to lose the weight semi-sensibly, for all the good it did me. I told her how in between my two classes (both hour long intensive aerobics/fitness classes), i had walked into town (about 20 minutes), gone to Holland & Barrett and found this rather yummy protein bar which was only 136 calories and tasted just like a double decker to me! I said this to prove i was being sensible by having something to eat between my two jumpy bouncy classes. The response i got? "Did you really need that?"

With being ill over the last week my eating & appetite has gradually decreased. My throat is so sort this morning that even swallowing liquid was rather a trial - so i'm not holding out much hope for today either. However judging my last nights remarks from mum, thats not a problem. I really didn't feel like eating yesterday, and knew i wasn't going to get through much so thought i'd treat myself to a bit of bread pudding. Sadly the first bakery i was counting on didn't have any which was a big disappointment as they make a really nice one, but i thought i'd try the other bakery while i was out. But being a chain bakery it wasn't unsuprisingly not that great, a bit dry, but then again nothing tastes like it should right now, so i guess the flavour wasn't too bad. Anyway - mum saw the foil packet & i, trying to be open & honest and share things with her - again for all the good it does me, explained my day and lack of appetite.
"Wouldn't it be a good idea to capitalise on that?"

Feeling my frustration yet? I said to her that if i'd not eaten very much she'd have been on my back, chasing me about it. "No i wouldn't" However, in fact the other day she came home & commented how there weren't very many dirty dishes & proceeded to ask me what i'd had for lunch.

The nail in the coffin whilst i was making my bowl of parsnip soup "Well, you're not going to waste away, are you?"

It makes me want to throw it back in her face and eat nothing at all, after all i have enough body fat to live on, and clearly its not just my own personal body image - its real.


sadly it seems my cough/cold is slowly starting to clear up which means it looks like i'm going to have to face this family therapy meeting thing on Tuesday - can you tell how much i've been avoiding it - I haven't even alluded to it on here yet, and its now 4 days away. The other annoying thing is i'm not sure i'm going to be up to going to gym to take out my frustrations on the punch bag tuesday morning - surely though if i'm not well enough for the gym, then i'm not well enough for a stressful meeting??!!

Destiny

Seems i'm destined to be F-A-T!!

Even after uping my protein in take, there has been no difference in either the scales or the sensible method which is my nice Laura Ashley trousers than i want to fit back into.

The dietician came up with no suggestions and simply advised not cutting back any further.

The blood tests were all fine. J suggested i just need to adjust to things but how can i when i've never been this big in my life. She tried to ease my distress by reminding me that it's normal to gain weight at my age, having recently finished growing etc but that didn't stop the tears falling and when she took my hand, it just seemed to hurt all the more.

I've working as hard as i can at the gym - despite a chesty cough a & a sprained ankle over the last few days, although pain killers masked that - but its taking triple doses of caffeine tablets to get me there (it genuinely slipped my mine about that when talking to J tonight). I did 2 classes and 30 minutes in the gym today & i struggled with that. I was going to give it a rest tomorrow but given that there is no physical cause for anything, then it seems i have no choice but to try and work through the ankle pain (i found the recumbant bike was ok for that, less pressure on the ankle) at the gym after college tomorrow.

I'm eating 75% of the recommened calorie intake for women, so why isn't anything changing at all.

When i suggested it was my body punishing me for starving myself for those 3 years, J didn't think it was anything to do with my past.

Mum's just come home, and failing to hid my tears I've just told her what happened with J (minus the bit when she took my hand), and just like J, mum has no suggestions.

No-one does.

According to calculators online (yes, i know i probably shouldn't wind myself up like that...) just with my calorie deficit each day, i should be losing about a lb a week.

I'm shattered, bunged up, have a sort throat and my ankle feels like its going to drop off. what i'd really like right now is a ready meal for dinner because i so can't be arsed - plus i don't want to stand in the kitchen on one leg and cook.

But instead i'm going to look up something to do with an aubergine (not that anything tastes like it should right now) and contemplate skipping college tomorrow and spending all day at the gym. Although if i screw up this course it will just be another failure to add to the list.

I just want to say one final thing - something thats no about me and totally self centered and self pittying! To all my bloggy friends who i know are struggling right now (i can think of 4 off the top of my head, but if i name them i know there will be others i've forgotten!) take care (hypocrit i know) and sending you all virtual hugs.

"Have a break. Have a K!tk6t." (or just sleep)

Things may be a tad quiet around here for a bit. All energies (and artificial energies) are being focussed in one place right now. A place i feel safe (so of the time, depending who i'm with), a place i know i can't over eat, a place i know i'm doing good things and a place i can hit things! Only one thing i can't really do which tend to happen when i leave which is cry.

I think the crying is partly due to exhaustion but also due to keeping a straight face and "happy" face for at least 2 hours. There are certain people i trust enough to see the tears, but i know they are people who understand, people who have let me into their pasts slightly and let me know that they've been there in one way or another too. Plus T gives me hugs, which i woule never turn down.

People (& my body) are telling me that i should perhaps slow down a bit and take it easy. My body decided to show me this by sleeping for 90 minutes - thats an hour and a half! - yesterday afternoon for the afternoon 'nap'. I'm relying on pain killers and pain killing gels more and more. I keep telling myself it will be worth it in the end but after 2 months i'm seeing nothing - If anything i've grown even bigger.

Time to get ready for another morning of hard work.

Chocolate Comfort

I can't pinpoint the emotions and i really have no clue as to a reason, if in fact there is one.

I feel exhausted, so much so that even the Pro Plus tablets didn't seem to take much effect yesterday.

All i want is comfort - good job its the lower calorie Options hot chocolate i'm drinking otherwise i would have reached the daily guideline for calories on hot chocolate alone! Although i think i managed to make a reasonable dent in that with the cheese i ate before & during lunch.

It feels like food is the only way i can find comfort right now. Each night when i sleep my nocturnal thoughts are filled with memories and stories created around the characters. So vivid and intrusive, i wake with my mood ever lower than when i had finally managed to settle myself in bed for sleep. Hospitals, sectioning, previous jobs, childhood friends from a secondary school that i loved so dearly.......All of these taunting me about my regrets of the past and scaring me about what may lay ahead in the future.

I'd love to have a nap right now, but i'm afraid things won't feel any better when i wake. My protruding, bloated belly won't have disappeared thats for sure, which i suppose is partly why i've lost the will to be in control and simply continue to feed it - with fruit as well as the odd not so healthy snack. I worry about critisism from mum & D, which means most of the extras, especially the unhealthy ones are consumed in secret and aquired when it cannot be noticed that they are missing. For example the small(ish) Fox's chocolate biscuits are not missing from the top layer in the tin, but from, where it will not be seen at the moment, the lower layer. (Although there may be questions to answer when the top layer is finished and it is noticed that there are already biscuits missing from the lower layer!)

Keeping a food diary seems to have failed in keeping my appetite and consumption under wraps. Even though looking in the mirror brings me to tears, by seeing that my jaw line has vanished, and in its place a 2nd chin has appeared, i still feel to tired to fight the appetite. I wish it was a body dysmorphic perception however the comparision between photos from the past few months are counting against that theroy.

I'm booked in for pilates of tuesday, but right now i'm not sure if i'll make it to the gym tomorrow or for anything other than the pilates class. Maybe the thought of trying out my new pink boxing gloves will inspire me. I wish i could afford a personal trainer, someone to motivate me back into shape.

I surrender - time for an afternoon nap.