No excuses

Theere are no excuses for my abscence.

I just haven't felt like blogging.

There still been plenty going on. Maybe there's been too much going on. I don't do very well with time management; My room is a tip, I haven't completed the extra bits on the volunteer project i've been doing, I haven't started the college (yes i'm attempting to study again)assignment i got monday (its now Friday), I'm trying to get fundraising bits sorted for my run (paper forms & cards with online sponsor page, just a T-shirts & the emailing round/publicity to do) - oh & i'm still trying to lose all the weight i gained over Christmas. Probably about half a stone, but its not just over eating at christmas, its huge lack of exercise due to illness too. So that flat tummy i worked so hard to gain has gone. But i need to be thinking about running really as i am extremely behind with training. So for now it will be running 4 days a week, yoga/pilates etc 4 times a week, a couple of my beloved classes on a sunday (although one of them is one of those 4 yogaish ones) and fridays i may do a weights class but taking it gently.
Except for half term & tutorial weeks when i get the chance to do classes with instructors i really miss doing classes with.

That kind of brings me onto why i've returned. The nightmare last night was that mixture of painful upsetting because it was comfort that i know will never happen & very distressing because it was dragging up some of the worst of the past. I can't recal the order of events but it included all of these points:

• M, an instructor i miss doing classes with rescuing me when my car broke down & i was very distressed & taking me back to her place


• Where my psych called me and told me i was going to be sectioned (It was my first adult services psych who couldn't really speak english & grabbed my arm & pushed up my sleeve to see my scars - funnily enough i always hated him) when i asked why it was due the arm band marks that mum had seen on my tummy - which apparently made me a danger to myself (WTF goes on in my head while i'm asleep?!)


• I told M it would be fine as i hadn't been harming, so i'd go but they had no grounds to section me.


• Except they did. horrible psych was there with another of my current instructors R who was trying to get him to see the benefits of the classes while he just said it was me damaging myself. There was another bloke in the room i was in too & i can't recall what but he doesn't have a positive feel attached to him - quite the opposite.


• Somewhere along the lines i was talking to someone at a yard who was telling me she had met me before when i'd had a car accident with a horse box, but i was sure that i had only had one serious incident which didn't involve anyone else (which is true). I felt all confused in the dream but kind of confused when i woke up too. Its like the dream was becoming reality and i couldn't separate the 2.


• There was something else too about getting ready for a party & getting the theme wrong & then we were at this restaurant & someone dropped the game of battleships & mum & i were trying to find all the little pieces. All though there were no familiar faces other than mum, it still didn't feel like a happy dream. like there was something underlying which still makes me want to wake up & cry.

Which is pretty much what i did - well on the car on the way here, to college. Is it a bit risky blogging from college? That does seem to be a big theme with me right now - Apathy. I couldn't give a shit about anything. Its taken me a month to start stressing about the weight gain - stressing to the point of harming at least and even then i couldn't be bothered to do that damage i felt i wanted too.

Anyway in 7 minutes i need to be in class where we are giving indvidual presentation - just what i need!

Confidentiality

This meeting is driving me insane. I had a good chat about it with M today. She offered to come to it - if i could get her an invite. But i'm still not sure i want to go myself. If i go i will spend the next 3 weeks stressing with no doubt more nightmares and on the day being the most horrendous person to live with, not want to be near anyone & then fall apart the next day because i will be trying my hardest to keep it together in front of mum & D.

If i don't go, however, i'm worried that things will be said & confidentiality will be broken without my permission. But if i make the decision that i am not going, now, then i won't have to stress for the next 3 weeks. If i don't go, i will find out my rights regarding confidentiality and then if mum & D come back knowing anything they shouldn't, i'll sue their arses off!

But even in the initial meeting back in january things were said that i didn't give them permission to divulge. I'd told Dr L during an appointment with her that Mum, D, Nan & Grandpa were the 4 reasons i was still alive & if they weren't around i really had no other reason. The depression has worn me down & if i hit a low patch & i was on my own then i don't think i'd see a rason to fight. I'm living my life for mum - which has often been said to me. Anyway Dr L came out with this before i could stop her back in january, and i can recall mentioning that i didn't want mum knowing when i was in my appointment with Dr L. So whether i'm there or not i think things will be said that i don't want said.

I think i need to find out my rights somehow, somewhere.




On the stressful/down side & in other news, M is refering me back to London to the ED unit. She she to refer me back to the unit generally so that i can see the dietician there. She thinks the guy there would be really good & might be able to help. My 2000 a day experiment has gained me nothing but 1.2kg in a week. Hippo-ness here i come! I want to just go back to restricting right this instant. But i can't just yet, i have to stick to 1800 to 2000 until i see the dietician, so i can show/prove that something is really wrong. I shouldn't gain on 2000 a day as it is, let alone with the amount of exercising & walking i do. M is baffled, hence the referal to the specialist again. I'm praying he will have an answer or suggestion but i'm dreading having to go to a place where there will be skinny women that will make me feel even more of a fat fraud.

Its hard enough leaving the house & finding clothes to wear that don't cling to me right now. I stood in the health food shop and cried today trying to decide on a snack to help me reach my 1800 target. It took me 10-15 mins in that shop to buy a simple Eat Natural bar. Its OK going to the gym because there are other people trying to fight the flab and it shows i'm trying my hardest to do something about it. No-one outsie the ED world really understands though. Afterall my BMI is 23.9 & still within the healthy range, so what am i so upset about? Only M truely knows what this is doing to me mentally. With the other issues too, i cried for about 75% of our hour & a half appointment today.

I am starting to think that unless i give in to the weight gain, i will have to live the rest of my life hungry.

They just don't leave you alone do they?

Once psychologists get in your head, they just won't leave you alone. Even when you are asleep!

Last night's "sleep" consisted of 3 dreams at least, one containing a school trip on a miniture train & a forest, although then we seemed to end up at the sea side in a town. I can't really remember clear details of any of them, but then that could be classed as a good thing because it means it wasn't so terrifying & gruesome that they have stuck in my mind (i can still see clear images of dreams from last week because part were more like a horror movie!) but then its also a bad thing because my mind over even more active than when i normally dream - i can't recall a night when there's been 3 dreams, 2 maybe but not 3 scenarios. There was also something about me trying to drive and someone had put hellium birthday balloons on my car and i only realised they were there when i started driving and they started popping!

The last one was about a party in this temporary house, the place was a tip yet i still managed to find some Baby Bel to eat......and then somewhere along the lines i became the hero after i caught the granny of the family as she started falling down the stairs. I caught her and then carried her down to the sofa. It then seemed to turn later into the local post office, there was a bit about sports cars outside and then i went in to the post office and was served by a young girl (she was actually the girl who works in the cafe in the village near the PO, and she's the biggest stuck up bitch ever. i really do not like her) who then tried to charge me for items that already had stamps on them!!

The middle scenario that feels most upsetting was where i was seeing TP (this is what i mean by then never leave you alone) and he came to the conclusion that my mental state and mental health issues plus the headaches and heartburn (which i did suffer a lot yesterday) were due to a physical health issue, he asked me if i had been checked for this condition and we then seemed to then go to the hospital where a nice doctor took my blood & asked me questions. I had changed into a hospital gown and it seemed like i was really ill, and i was left in this hospital bed to wait. They both eventually came back and confirmed that i had this blood condition which was causing all my problems, the depression and headaches too.

I don't really remember much after that dream - maybe that was when i woke up choking with a really dry throat. What has stuck in my mind is him. Do i feel guilty for cancelling that last appointment? Why should i? And anyway the TP in the dream was far more friendly and human rather than the TP i've been seeing. I'm not saying he was a total robot psychologist & non-human but in the dream he felt more like RSA, my previous psychologist who was also male - so its not even like a female/male thing. OR maybe it was the fact that he found a cause, a reason for everything i have felt, which in reality there still isn't and probably never will be.

Appetite control

I don't understand why i can't control my hunger? Or rather why nothing seems to satisfy it today. Especially when i've eaten far more than i normally would in a whole day, and its only 5pm!

I don't think i'm thirsty, and i'm not even that tired, compared to how tired i have been. Sure the dreams aren't brilliant, i mean hospitals, eating disorder inpatient meals, being sectioned and nightmares containing walking on horses which turned out to be dead aren't exactly happy but last night didn't seem too bad. However i did get myself all stressed out about jobs & interviews and imagining how i would handle it, what i would wear, what would happen step by step etc......

Maybe its just the stress of the job applications and the one in particular that i hand delivered today - that gives a bit of a clue that its not too far from home. I saw the advert last week & have asked so many people & debated it over and over until i've sobbed and cried. Some people have said its not a good idea, other have told me just to go for it (including the bloke from the MH employment charity) but mum has still kind of said she doesn't think its a good idea & i think i'm probably still looking for her approval. Another friend online is worried i will be more hurt by rejection from this than any normal job application, and maybe i will.

I don't know. I can't work on whats going on in my head - and maybe thats why i'm using food to cope with it. I can't decide if the application was right.....

BIT LATE NOW!!!

...so it seems i can't decide if i'm really hungry or not. Have i just answered my own question?


Everything just feel so unsure. I don't feel sure about what's really going on in my head, or my life really. Perhaps physically i'm not that tired, but mentally i'm exhausted.


Oh & due to injury and lack of gym & running for 10 days i'm also bloody miserable a lot of the time!! And stressing that i'll never complete the marathon next April........yes, NEXT APRIL - months away!

Did i mention there's a lot going round in my head and i'm a little tired?

Place your bets please!

So my 2 weeks family holiday is nearly here. I am more stressed than ever, struggling to keep control every minute of every day.

There are so many fears about it that i can't keep track of them all, and from one thing leads another. It just seems to be spiralling.

Needless to say though food & exercise rank highly on my list of worries. Well wouldn't you if you were in a different country, staying with family, in a country that has a reputation for huge appetites and obesity (even more so than the UK)?

M said the last few weeks i've walked in and she's thought i've looked like i've lost wieght - except i've either stayed the same or gained slightly. She's at a loss as to what is going on, especially given my exercise levels & that on average i'm undereating by about 2 days each week.

So i challenged her to take a guess at what i will be in 3 weeks time (2 weeks away for me and the 1 for her) but i will have at least a week back at the gym after my 2 weeks away before my next weigh in with her. So it may turn out that she actually wins the bet (both our weight ranges are written in her diary on the date of our next appointment) in which case i will own her a souvenir from my holiday - i did say i'd keep it if i won the bet, but i know i'll give it to her whatever. Her guess ranges from 2 kg below my current weight to 1kg gain. Where as i am saying i'll gain at least 2kg.

I am trying my hardest to lose as much as i can before i go, just in case i turn into a hippo whilst i'm away.

I guess i had better pack my suitcase...... or i could continue to put it off..... pretending it's not that close & continue spending my energy trying to hold myself instead. A night without bad dreams/nightmares would help too - for the past 3 nights i have been detained in a hospital setting in my dreams. Not sure if that is better than dreaming about being sectioned & the crazee catchers coming to my house to get me, or not. Either way, i wake up feeling as shitty & tired as i did when i went to sleep.

If i disappear for more than 2 weeks, don't be suprised. I am fully expecting a major fallout/breakdown in the near future.

Dear Brain....

Tonight i would like a night without Crazee Catchers or Plane Crashes.

Nor do i want any dreams regarding current stressful issues for example:

1. Money/financial issues
2. car insurance/MOT
3. forthcoming holidays to far away lands
4. exams for college courses
5. Fatness
6. exercise related injury
7. jobs/careers (or lack of).....

You know what. A night with without any brain activity would be lovely.

Nightmares that could come true

why on a sunday morning would i wake up and think "i really don't want to get up, i'll get out of my nice warm bed & go downstairs." ?

A vivid nightmare about being sectioned . Thats why. And the horrible thing is, unlike scary vampire/monster nightmare, i know deep down that if things go down hill that it could happen. However i hope that it would be quite like the nightmare & that it wouldn't be my Nan who called the Crazy Catchers on me!

Heartbreaking dreams

Last nights dream was both heartbreaking but kind of comforting at the same time. I think it was probably caused by my brief visit on monday, to drop off some clothes to sell at the 2nd hand uniform shop. Needless to say lots of tears before i'd even driven off the campus (i was there for less than 5 minutes) and for the rest of the day.


I turned up and parked in the school grounds at the bottom end of the campus and my best friend from school was there too. After a while the whole school seemed to gather around my car. It seemed they were doing registration in the carpark these days. After all the students departed, one of my old tutors came over to us.

"Why have 2 of my favourite students not come over to say hello?"

Her voice was as warm, comforting & mothering as it ever was. I felt like i wanted to cry just on hearing her voice.

She picked up so many pieces when she was my tutor. I can recall one occassion when i had admitted harming to someone and the school had decided to call my mother. Obviously i was distraught and terrified. Mrs H took me down to the school medical centre and stayed with me until my mum arrived. For half an hour she sat with me while i cried, stroking my hair & trying to calm my fears. Every time i heard a car, i sat bolt up right, paralysed with the fear of what was going to happen next. I don't recall anything other than a trip to the doctors/nurse (probably J) happening that time. But these are the kind of memories that are etched in my mind, and i guess in some ways in my body via the scars too. Back to the dream......

She ask my friend and i if we wanted to go back and see her classroom, revisit the buildings. My friend then seemed to disappear and it was just me and Mrs H. She took me into an older building (Not the actual building, the room in my dream doesn't actually exist in the school) where she let me move through slowly as my mind was taken back to times of fleeing lessons and returning to this room to cry and hide. She asked me if i remembered this place. How could i forget?

I wanted to simply sit and cry yet again, because this felt a safe place to be able to curl up and cry. She stayed with me there while i wandered around this old wooden room - wooden floor boards, beams. It was a room in the top of the building, an attic room with a couple of old sky lights, meaning the light inside the room itself was limited and dim. Dark and safe.

She showed me a card she had kept that she had wanted to give me years ago when i was a student. It was a mothers day card, with a difference. If was FROM a mother - her as a mother figure towards me. The card was flowery but sincere, not too mushy. To me, signed from her - a gurdian mother figure.


There were other parts to the dream but not significant and nothing that will remain with me for the rest of the day like that memory will. When i woke this morning, remembering the memories of the night, i was torn between wanting to go back to sleep & go back to that place, or wake up and move away from those memories before my heart shattered with the pain that i also felt. I couldn't face going back there.

Lost

I am becoming lost, even more so than i already am.

Life is becoming very hazy, blurred around the edges, no defining points or markers. I am becoming more uncertain as to where i am. In the past, present, a dream, a nightmare, a fear regarding the future or even the media - a book or TV programme.

My thoughts no longer seem my own. I worry if i have stolen them from someone or somewhere.

I'm scared of myself, or what i may do or might have done.

Have the thoughts of overdose (if they were my thoughts in the first place and not those from a book) become a reality? I feel sick, have i done it again? How many tablets were there in that packet? Is my speech OK? Am i slurring? Am i making sense?

Who am i? What do people see when they look at me?

Am i in control anymore?









M cancelled on me again this week but rearranged for next Tuesday. First appointment with Terry Pratchett also next Tuesday. M can't do anything & i don't trust Terry Pratchett yet. I could go back to J, she always makes it known that she's there for me if i want her. But i don't feel its justified, she's seen me bleeding to death & hysterical before now, despite my current fears and (slight) depression, it just doesn't feel worth seeing her for.

I should perhaps see K but again despite the constant flow of tears, paranoia and almost disassociation, I'm torn between feeling too scared to see her or feeling i really should before these feelings get anymore out of reach. I am also very aware though that I am supposed to be going away for 2 weeks in July, and i don't want anything to jeopardise that, otherwise i know nan is unlikely to travel on her own without me. I can't mess this one up. For Nan's sake.

But maybe this is just me living in the past again, where i have had trips planned & fallen ill before it happen - mainly school trips but still a lot of money was lost - just another guilt or skeleton in my closet.

Before Day 2 (contains graphic gorey dream description)

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YOU WERE WARNED IN THE TITLE!!!



A short nights sleep of 6 hours filled with horrendous, gorey, gruesome nightmares - well one part was like a horror movie.

This mans insides seemed to fall out & i was then looking at to men - one was his insides and the other........ just skin and bones on his body (ok, just thinking about the meaning of that as i'm typing it..... wonder is that part was significan at all?)

Anyway the eyes went with the insides, so there was a pair of floating eyeballs on top of a string of human intestines/organs.

Now i wasn't watching anything on TV last night, nothing during the day....we'd been playing a monopoly card card for a couple of hours before bed.

Why? could a couple of scratches - which was no-where near the damage i wanted to cause, and still feel i need to cause - cause a dream like that? it never has in the past.

Anyway time to just this short as everyone else has now got up, an hour a half after i managed to sneak downstairs watched Casualty (which i recorded last night, so that didn't cause the dream!), so yes - time to find my box of smiles (i'm going to seriously need to restock on plastic smiles after this week) and turn into the host again. Starting with breakfast - number 2 for me really, as i've already had 3 pieces of fruit & a hot choc. I do like organising and laying the table though. Things in line & in order etc.

Nightly Thoughts

This one was more in my control - well at least a little bit of it!

To cut another long dream short - Dr L and M came round to my house for some kind of meeting, there were lots numbers, percentages all regarding weight loss and me being overweight. In general a very depressing meeting. Until they left, i went up to my room to watch them leave - and saw Dr L leaning up against the car over M and then she kissed her. I thought i had been mistaken in what i had seen, but the she kissed her again. They were between the car and the hedge on our driveway, so obviously thought they couldn't be seen.

When they spotted me at the window, it was clear they hadn't meant anyone too see, as the came rushing to the front door. Dr L started ringing the doorbell continuously, I didn't want to see them, plus now i had power over them - If they tried to hassle me, i had something over them, something that they clearly didn't want anyone else to know. So i unplugged the doorbell, and went back inside!!



That was the end of the happier part to the dream, the rest was hospital/school/friends all mixed into one thing where as usual, i didn't know what was going on because i wasn't really with it mentally. Then the dream drifted into more bizzare realms, like Harry Potter style dementors that kept flying around killing/evaporating people. I think i'll try and hang on to the powerful part of the dream, to remind me, as K says - no-one can push me around/force me into things i don't want to do.

Dreams or nightmare (yet again)

I still in last nights bullet point mood, plus its easier when you can't remember every single detail.

• First being on some kind of school trip, which all seemed to fall apart, starting on the coach journey there, where som little girl was sick.
• Then the trip at this museum/science centre/botany place started to go wrong, when the larger groups we were in seemed to split up and go their separate ways. As usual i seemed to end up on my own.
• Somehow i then ended up in a residential/hospital unit, more like the NHS Adolescent unit i was on. When i seemed to end up emotionally drained and exhausted. It was a sunny evening so we were sitting outside and allowed to stay out, sitting in the evening warmth.
• One of the nurses was going off shift (a lady i remember from that adolescent unit) and as she was leaving a woman went past outside riding a horse that she was about to lose control of, which started up a conversation between the nurse and i myself regarding her horses.
• I ended up going with her to the yard and seeing how tidy she had kept her barn.

Perhaps i woke briefly because then the dream switched to the location of home, which is where the most upsetting part came.

• There was a section of the front lawn that had sunk and flooded, so mum had called someone to come and check it out.
• Next thing i know K had turned up, it seemed a side line job as well as a GP was her knowledge of drains.
• She told mum that the lawn needed to be dug up.
• I was standing near to her, and she put her arm around me and gave me a hug.
• I burrowed my face into her, and felt so comforted by her and didn't want to let go. It was a situation i'm dreamed about for so long, and i almost couldn't believe it was happening.
• She stood with her arm around me for a while, talking to mum about the flooded lawn/burst pipe. She then sighed "Oh Jenny......" - as it to say 'just something else to go wrong for you'
• I turned to look at mum and realised it was just how things always used to be - me going to and getting hugs from everyone but her.
• It was another reminder that i can't have those hugs from the people i want.

fortunately then i was woken up by mum coming into my room to tell me she was going to work.

and now i need to get my arse to the gym for my morning session!

Spoken Word

I did a voice recording after i got home from seeing K, as there was so much going round in my head and it was moving too fast for my fingers to keep up with to type it. I thought about how i was going to record it and although i could have pointed the camera away (or probably turned it off, had i been in the mood to figure it out, and still had the right type of file to upload). I'll figure out a way to sort it.

I decided it was unlikely anyone would recognise my voice should they listen to it - as i hardly speak to that many people. Only mum would probably recognise it and if she's discovered Seeking Sanity then i think she would have realised it was me already simply due to the content of the blog!

In short though, i still feel like i want to cry and i'm hoping the meds i got off K tonight will cut short the length of time spent crying myself to sleep, and maybe reduce the dreams' vividness. Trouble is to take away emotional pain and distress i would normally turn to physical pain, to create a physical focus. But i have nothing in my room to cause such damage, and although there are still disposable razors in the wheely bin, that is where they are going to stay. If i have to cry until i have no tears left (is that actually possible?) then so be it, but if i want a career to be proud of then, there can be no more harm. It's been 3 days without even so much as a pin prick, by the next time i see K it should be 17 days, so lets hope i can tell her that it has exactly that.

Dreams or Nightmares?

According to the Cambridge Dictionary:

and then:

So are these just bad dreams? or nightmares?

I mean for me being taken to a new private boarding school/college by my dad and his wife, then never making it to the classes, breaking down in tears, running away from the school, hiding from the teachers all because i missed the first day and then didn't know where to go - well, thats pretty unpleasant. Then throw in a healthcare assistant from my local psych ward, who cared more than most of the the qualified staff, who would give me a hug when i needed one and i guess became like a mother figure. I know, I know, not totally healthy in the professional sense, but when you are on a ward constantly for 4 months (having been sent downstairs to another ward for 2 months prior to that) and barely leave the ward for all that time, how can you not form some sort of connection with some staff? Especially when you are an 18 yr old, vulnerable depressed young woman who craves a mother figure. (Then of course there have been another 4 or 5 admissions since when of course she was still working on the ward.) Why is it i always dream of people who have been so good to me and caring? And i suppose that a part of me kind of misses, even though my relationship with mum is better (part of the reason i used to crave a mother figure), i still can't tell mum exactly what goes through my head, which then leads to tears and me wanting comfort and a hug.

Then last night, once i was in the school, still avoiding the teachers, I seemed to end up in this counselling session with a counsellor. (It was the counsellor who first took my depression seriously, telling me she thought it was "more than just the teenage blues". She was the reason i first went to see a GP, and someone i feel very extremely grateful too.) Seeing her and having a session with her, where she bought in this phone which had mum hysterical and crying on speakerphone, left me feeling even more distraught and there was an aspect about food in the session, as she gave me a set of cutlery.

This particular counsellor used to live in my village and i used to see her walking her dog, but i know the dog was very old which i probably why i haven't seen her around the village, but i haven't even seen her driving either. Her phone number is still in the village magazine and she always said after both she and i left the school, that if i ever wanted anything as a friend i could call her. I have only ever done that once to ask her for a phone number whilst i was babysitting (not the best time to need your local samaritans phone number!) and she didn't mind at all that i'd called. However i'd hate to think i'd lost contact with her, again after you work with someone for 3 years, and they know you better than anyone else (apart from maybe my GP), then you do build up a relationship and trust. Maybe i should join the other village organisation that we both used to be a part of. Her phone number is still in the village magazine for it, and i know it was awkward when i went to the meetings previously but that was about 10 years ago, so as a 13yr old, i probably didn't know how to handle the situation at that age.

So in summary (because this post has taken me an hour to write - i am distracted to easily....) another distressing night. Maybe K can come up with a solution or and idea this afternoon.

where to stop?

why is it when i start eating i can't seem to stop? Breakfast was controlled, or rather within my control.

Then we went to my grandparents and it started.........

Toffees in the house.....times 3........ packet of crystalised ginger on the side board, couple of bits of that. Jar of festive mincemeat in the fridge - just a tea spoon to stop the craving mind.

Lunch with nice thickly slice soft bread on offer & flora buttery. Soft creamy blue cheese and then rather more controlled salad with fruit afterwards.

Snacks of nuts, morish salty cashews before dinner, which mum eventually took away from me and put the rest of the small dish my grandfather had put out, back in the jar, stating the question "Shall i save you from yourself?"

Dinner - a non compulsory roll with the soup. more potato that i should have served myself with the salmon and vegetables. Did i really need the creme fraiche with the pear tart tatin? In fact did i need dessert at all? Or the extra mouthful i sneaked along with a mouthful of blue cheese, in the kitchen whilst clearing up?

Now we're home the (low calorie) hot chocolate was to help me sleep, but the measure of Baileys? Did i deserve such a treat? And now i feel like i want to carry on, i want more. But do i really and truely, or is it tiredness and emotional hunger after an emotional day? Or is it the thought of the start of another week, a week which is supposed to be a new start and is scaring me, because a large part of me is terrified by the change. If i ate something more tonight though, would it matter? Afterall i know the weekday restricting will set back in. The question is will i finally get my arse in gear and get to a gym or do some proper exercise, or will my energy levels fail me again.

Hopefully the stress, and fact that i have nothing to cause harm, after the clearout & i know how easy it would be to restock, but what was the point in clearing out and trying to move on?

Seeing K tomorrow afternoon, i'll probably be a wreck by half 3, part of me hopes she see how hard it is and what the dreams/nightmares are doing to me too. I can't take another night of images of hospitals, overdoses, teachers i loved and miss. The past won't leave me alone or stop haunting me right throughout the night. Maybe the tears are a sign i should just try and get some sleep even though i know what is awaiting me during slumber.

Dreaming

I'm in a garden centre, crying. Why, i don't know. But then very often there is no reason, in fact i'm not really sure there ever has been.

Nurse Practioner, J, is there. She walks through the rows of flowers across the other side of the room. Why doesn't she look up? Why doesn't she see me. I muddle around, resisting the urge to purposely make our paths cross. It feels wrong for me to cross her path however i pray she crosses mine, finding me and my distress.

After a while it seems she will not stumble on my misery, and so i leave the shop and return to my car, with tears rolling down my cheeks faster than ever. I fumble to put the key in the ignition, finally turning it to start the engine. I've given up on finding help & seeking comfort. Its time to go home and give myself to the black clouds that hang over me, sinking down into a black hole.

I never make out of the car park. Through the tears & due to lack of strength in my arms i fail to see & turn the steering wheel enough to avoid a brick wall. I don't think i'm hurt, but my prays are answered. J is by side, having opened my car door. She speaks but i don't hear what she says. I'm too lost in the black clouds by now to feel any comfort from her. All she can do is guide me.

Afternoon naps are a must

Well, a week after lowing the dose of the antidepressants i'm still shattered and need my afternoon naps. However if i don't get my nap....well here's an example of what happens if i get over tired because of a lack of sleep - despite sleeping 8-9 hours a night. Yesterday, at about 4pm i could feel the headache taking over and knew if i lay down i'd fall asleep, especially after not having a nap friday either. But as it was the weekend and mum and david are around i thought i'd try and be sociable and stay awake, however by 8pm i was shattered and straight after dinner, which was a mish mash of picky bits because i was too tired to be bothered to make a proper meal (of course mum then commented, rather gently actually, that i wasn't really eating properly again), i made myself a hot choc which is what i tend to do if i feel i want comfort or am about to go to bed.

Ok, i started this posted over 2 hours ago, in which time we've prepared & had dinner (BBQ & BBQed banana for pudding) so as i'm now pretty fed up i'm finally going to cut that long story very short!

After dinner whilst putting the dishes away i smashed 2 plates and cracked a 3rd (out of a set of 5!) and promptly burst into floods of tears, just as mum and D got back from a walk, then i yelled at mum when she tried to help me clear up. Something along the lines of "I made the bloody mess! I screwed up! So let me clear up the sodding mess!"

Mum did try the "get things into perspective" talk, which is especially true given one of our family across the pond lost a husband (also a father to 2) in a car crash 2 days ago but depression just doesn't want to let you do that, so i took myself off to bed, even though i was still hungry realised i hadn't had a great deal to eat for dinner -at 8.30pm.....

At 10pm i woke up (neighbours were having a birthday party) went downstairs had a banana & raided the chocolate tin.

I then slept for 11 and a half hours. Sadly even that wasn't good news - I dreamt i was pregnant, one of the longest dreams ever it seemed. What was even more depressing and upset was i woke and i realised i had my arm cradling my stomach. Depressing for 2 reasons i guess.

1. mainly the fact that i still hate how big my stomach has become. i have never been this big, in fact have never had a stomach, or at least not since age 8/9 when it was more puppy fat than anything else. It has always been flat & every morning when i get out the shower i cry and often sob because i wish it would go away. My stomach has also gained a fair few more scars too since it has grown, recently it seems about 3-6 (at one time) a week, but no-one knows about that at all, this is the first time i've said anything about it, and even then its under an anonomous identity.
2. It brings back the reality of no partner/boyfriend, and therefore no chance of starting my own family. Not that my body seems physically able again yet still. Although i have been getting that menstrual feeling again and this is the second month, and the similar time as last month i think. I never have been one to keep track of that sort of thing. I've always had other thing and seemingly more important things, mainly keeping myself alive and trying not to get sectioned!

Mum and D are going away later this month, so i'm spending the first part with my grandparents - my theory being if i leave before they do then i won't get so upset.

and now i've got to stop because mum's complaining my typing is too loud! For once she's not fallen asleep on the sofa!