Sorry

Sorry I lied
Sorry I deceived
Sorry I brokes the rules.

Sorry I disappointed you
Sorry I caused problems,
Yet again.

I'm sorry for my actions
But I can't be sorry for the way I feel.

I can be responsible,
Regretful,  remorseful.
But I can't control, the intrusive thoughts.

I want to move forwards
But I also want to go back.

Back to the "chilled out",
To the relaxed, the happy,
The confident and strong.

He's taken my strength for now
But I know you are right
When you say I can't let him keep it.

I need to fight - not only the thoughts and feelings
But to regain control.

Control over my thoughts,
My actions,
My emotions,
My responses.

I don't think I'm reading too much into it,
To me, your comment meant a lot.
Unexpected but so meaningful
And said so genuinely.

It's something no one ever voiced so directly.
That's what I'm holding onto,
For now.

Confidence

I told my lovely mentor that I had a little boost from a tutor in the revision session. I feel he may have over emphasised by saying I "smashed it".

She replied saying "i do agree with your tutor in that you probably will smash it! You are the best prepared out of all my students and thankfully more than ready for this exam."

I still can't deal with people being kind to me, especially those that my stupid brain has kind of fallen attached to.  When I suggested our next meeting her words were,

"this is your mentoring, you set the agenda"

There that part of me too that wishes someone would take the control away. I guess thats where K's theory of self sabotage comes in, maybe thats why I do it? But itz only because I don't feel I can manage things anymore.

Her last text?

"All the best for monday, although i have full confidence in your ability"

She replies to work stuff at weekends. She doesn't need to, but she does. She cares and right now I never want to let her go. She's like one of my uni mums. Yes, yet again I am that little girl who just was to feel loved and comforted.

She's not the first to say that, and I wish I shared their confidence.   But its not about my ability is it? Its about me managing my anxieties and keeping it all together.

Home for the weekend distracting myself with a bit of revision thrown in, but I know when sunday evening hits and then Monday morning comes..... well at least being one of the first I have less time to get worked up and can run away and hide soon after.

Although the plan is I meet someone so I'm not hyperventilating on my own. Don't know if she will be free at such short notice though.  I only got the exam details late tonight.

I want to pass, but I want to fall apart and let this all out my system and for people to see how I really feel inside at the same time.  Can I do both?

Long time, no see

I saw someone today that i used to trust with my life and even though we haven't spoken in a couple of years, i would still trust her will all my secrets if i saw her again tomorrow.

I'm going to call her Rose, because i will never forget the day she told me i looked like a rose when i smiled. I was 13 years old & had been seeing her at school weekly (the benefits of going to a private school - they hire in a professional counsellor) for a couple of terms when one day i finally gave her a smile. It was a rare occassion where she saw a different glint in my eye - a slightly happier one.

I've always know she lives in the same village as me. I can recall on one occassion she gave me a lift home from school because she wanted to see me after school when she could give me more time to talk. I've bumped into her outside of school on a couple of occassions through amateur dramatics as a teenager. I'm not sure she actually saw me today as it was very busy with a fete going on. Or maybe it was because i was with mum, that she bypassed me. Mum saw her. Mum hates her. On one occasion Rose offered mum a session so she could talk about what went on in her childhood with her siblings & parents & the divorce with my dad. Mum didn't like the fact that Rose wanted her to talk about those issues. As far as i know she had never done so before then. As a result mum now hates Rose, yet as i said i would trust her with my life.

When we parted as i left school & our professional relationship ended, she told me that if i ever wanted her as a friend she would do her best to help me. Its not the same as being able to spill my heart & soul though. I think i took her up on that offer once, when i wanted the phone number of the local Samaritans rather than the national number, to save my mobile phone credit, whilst babysitting. I knew it was in our village magazine & she was the only person i could think of to call to aks, who might have the magazine. Needless to say the number is now saved in my phone. Perhaps i should remember that at this present time. Rose's number is still saved there too, but i'm not sure its right to call her, depsite what she said those years ago.

Seeing Rose today.....it made me wish she was still my counsellor. For a year she supported me before telling me i should see my GP as she thought this was more than the teenage blues, by that time i had been feeling low & scratching my wrists for 2 years. She was right & its thanks to her that i sought professional help. I still wonder, if had i not taken her advice, whether i would have gone through all the professional services that i have, but then i think the same about my first hopsital admission & my entry into inpatient services. However i also look back & remember how many weeks i saw Rose & sat there & cried (some things don't change) and how after a year of seeing Rose once a week, i then started cutting in the summer holidays - when i didn't have her support.

Its probably because everything is bottled up inside of me right now but i wanted to talk to her, tell her how things aren't good, let my eyes well up & take comfort from her. In my head, she'd put her arm around me & we'd go for a walk, away from the crowds & she's listen to the things i can't trust anyone else with. I'd brush my hair away from my face & she'd see the blue bruising on the back of my hand & knuckles, knowing the signs....... But of course with mum there i'd be lucky to say hello. I didn't. I couldn't.

I wish i had said something & ignored the fact that she was saying hello to someone behind me. Perhaps thats why she didn't see me because she had spotted someone else before me, i still could have pulled her attention back towards me, yet i didn't. I could have walked back towards her, followed her & initiated a conversation once she had finished speaking. Instead i followed mum, left my mind crying for her & ended up wanting to be back hiding at home wishing we had never gone out in the first place.

The only good thing about seeing her - reassurance. Reassurance that she is still around & maybe the hope that one day we'll talk again.

Vulnerable

Every now & then there are things that bring me back to reality and make me realise that i'm not as strong as i think i am. Brings me back to reality so to speak.

I've helped someone set up a website page for their business. It was a business i was simply at a customer at but became friends with the owner during a period when i needed a safe place to be & just sit. She let me sit in a corner of the shop during quiet afternoons & just be. So when i picked up mood wise i offered to do this for them.

Now the page is up & running, the business is growing and i discovered this morning that i may have just lost my unofficial place in the team. The owner isn't totally computer literate & last week i spent half an hour teaching her some admin bits and i thought she'd asked me to go back next week for lesson 2, but having checked the page this morning, the Saturday girl is now an admin & another account has been created under the business name. Why i don't know, because she was able to do it from her personal account.

I know its not my business, i know i'm not an employee but i feel hurt & rejected. I feel like i don't want to go there & buy thing anymore. We are regular customers, buying produce weekly, but i don't want to face them.

Right now i want to hide & cry. I can feel the tears building. I guess i just don't know where i stand.

I don't think it helps that we went to friends for dinner & fireworks last night & my 1100 workout Friday didn't help in the slightest. Its that shitty out of control, overeating feeling.

After nibbles of peanuts, crisps & olive there was a starter of onion soup the a cheesey toast on top. A main of spaghetti carbonara, slightly healthier because it was the traditional way with egg and a little cheese, rather than the modern cheat of cream & cheese. But then came dessert which was a selection of small cakes & tarts cut into larger bitesize portions and then came the chocolates. Stress levels being high i lost control & even when we got home at 12.30am i kept going nicking a chocolate of mum's & the a WW rice pudding - at that time of night!

Now this morning i still feel out of control, can't get myself together - need to go for a run but can't find the motivation or just get my head together. I need to do half hour or about 3 miles, but i can't do it with my head not focussed.

Dietetics

I don't think i'll tell mum about the appointment in London unless i have too. I know she just won't understand. I especially know this after a comment she made today when she got in from work.

"what did you do stay at home & eat all day?"

(here we go, can't win. Don't eat and she's questioning me & now i'm eating too much)

"what do you mean?" i replied.

"Well its just there's an empty tuna tin AND a weight watchers tuna tin..."

(it's a good job you haven't seen how many extra light laughing cow cheese triangles i've eaten then)


I sometimes think Mum has no idea or concept about calories. In fact i know she doesn't. Her question as to whether the litres of diet coke i drank contained too many carbs, & whether it was causing the weight gain/lack of weight loss that i am so depressed by, told me that she doesn't have that much knowledge.

In actual fact i am only about 75% of the way to the calorie allowance i have agreed to keep up each day until i go back to london to hopefully get some help so i don't have to live the rest of my life fighting my appetite and restricting, just to even maintain my weight.

I did get some understanding from a fellow gym buddy. When i explained the kilo a week gain on 2000 calories i think her words were something along the lines of;

"wow, you're metabolism is really messed up!"

However she did before that say that i looked fine as i am now. But at least she recognises that although i look ok, that things are not right.

*Sigh* i think i'll keep my mouth shut from now on.

Paranoia strikes again

If you've found this mum
PLEASE LEAVE MY PERSONAL SPACE.

I'm sorry if you are worried but this is my only place i can really get out whats going round and around in my fucked up head.




We were watching something on tv, a sciency programme, and she said something about the "correlation doesn't prove a cause"


Is it a coincidence between that comment and my previous post? I dearly hope so. but what worries me is mum's been really off with me that last couple of days. No doubt i've done something wrong, just wish i knew what!

So angry, so upset. Could easily harm even though mum & D are home, but thanks to a great online friend and her words of wisdom, i am going to ignore this other persons ignorance and focus on what i have achieved this morning.

Conversation below has been edited to remove non relevant subject matter - actually i have trying to help her find a makeover party for her daughter - my step/half sister. Yes the conversation was with my dad's wife (she never has been and never will be known as my step-mother). Plus also to remove specific details of my achievements which might give my identity away.

Her: Hi, voluntary work with disabled and animals, how fantastic, being with the animals, and helping people that really need you as well! Rewarding and worthwhile xx

Me: so long as i have the confidence to stick with it yes.

Her: Why do you need confidence, the people that are participating just want to be able to enjoy themselves doing something that they can't otherwise do!!

Me: Given that for the last 2 weeks i have barely left the house again, going to a new group of people is a major thing

Her: Sorry, I didn't know!

(later)

Her: off now, and don't forget, it's the people that are riding that are important not how you feel, you are just the person enabling them to do it. It is a big thing in their lives, it must be awful to be disabled!

Me: its not a song and dance having to see a shrink constantly either

Her: No I'm sure, but at least you can get yourself out of bed and walk around, some of these people can't even do that. I just can't imagine knowing about all the pleasurable things that are out in the world but having to rely on someone else all the time to even get out in the garden!

I wanted to reply with how at my worst, i haven't been able to get out of bed. When i was at my lowest weight i shouldn't have been walking around and didn't often have the energy. A few weeks ago i was dissociating and losing time (fortunately not to the extent that some of other dear fellow bloggers are struggling with) and hiding at home, not even venturing outside the front or back doors. Until the last couple of weeks i haven't thought about anything about life being pleasurable and even now I'm being taken to Italy by mum not because i want to go, but to stop her nagging about when we were going. Ditto that for a Christmas market, although she seems to have forgotten about that one for now. Other than the gym, this is the first thing i have done that i might enjoy (as well as helping others), my challenge of reading a book is proving just as hard.

I'm going no further with this post before i wind myself up again and forget the fact that:

• i got up and out of the house by 8.30am this morning,
  
• drove to a new place,
  
• met people I'd never met before,
  
• did a task I've never done before,
  
• worked with disabled youngsters who can be challenging and/or non-responsive/communicative. (I really wasn't sure how to act, think it will take a while to relax with that one. It seemed easier when i was a teenager & worked with kids with severe learning difficulties!)
  
• worked with animals that stir a lot of very strong emotions in me because of wonderful memories that i miss greatly.

But i shall return. I over heard them talking about someone who they were going to ask not to come back & help because she was unreliable - that will NOT be me. I may be many (screwed up) things but most of all i hate being unreliable!

feeling special/loved

i don't know why but when people shorten my name i feel special and loved.

H, a practice nurse at the surgery rang a minute ago. She called wanting to speak to mum. I don't know whether she recognised my voice or just associated the address in front of her with me after all the years i've known her and seen her, but she asked for me, Susie Belle, then it changed to Mum Belle, then mum's real name (obviously mum and I now have different surnames once she married D). Once i had said that no, it wasn't mum, H said;

"sorry sue"

that shortening of my name has a really strange effect on me. Its almost like it makes me go weak at the knees. I feel more loved and cared about for some reason. I feel important and special.

On the less positive side, i then felt like i wanted to see H - there is no reason for me to see her unless........... *sigh* i doubt i'll get the job - either of the positions, but i can keep dreaming........

Touchy feely

Of all the problems that would cause me stress on this holiday i didn't expect this one. The thing thats stressing me out the most right now, is my Nan. I feel really bad & guilty for saying this, but she's just so touchy feely huggy all the time and i just want to yell "back off!". she picked up that somethings was wrong today, i think i was just acting very cold, but i fobbed her off with the tired story. After a long flight & late nights i think she bought it.

We went shopping in this old boutique town today, and the family wanted to buy me stuff. Again i feel bad but i don't want anything. I don't wear jewellery and i don't like wasting people's money.

I keep getting the comments about how good i look - the last time i saw some of them i had a BMI of around 12. But good to me doesn't mean good - good means fat.

and now i can feel the tears building up, especially having recieved an email from mum who is making her way across the country with D. But i can't let them show yet - thats saved for when my head hits the pillow, when i'm all alone. I just have to make sure i wipe my dry salty eyes before i see anyone the next morning.

I wish i could deal with it by restricting, and although i don't think i'm going OTT with food, i wish i could eat less. I also wish i could attack this fat belly of mine with something sharp, but thats not going to happen either.

Which means it will all just build up for when i get home. No worries about Nan getting too close and clingy tomorrow though, as i am off with mum's cousin & her son to pick up her daughter from the airport, which means a 2 hour drive - but what else am i going to do for the day?

Fathers Day

K once asked me who i would rather have walk me down the aisle (theoretically) - without pausing i said D......

I feel guilty but the stress of dealing with how i feel or don't feel about my fathers outweighs the guilt feelings whenever i am in contact with him.

A current email asked me to go and stay with him, his wife & the kids for a long weekend at his villa in Spain in August...........i haven't seen him in years. Staying with people who are practically strangers in a foreign country, when i don't travel more than 10 miles from home (or at least not without either mum, D or to visit my grandparents) and only go to places i know (i.e gym, college & local shops) and especially with these particular people is a ridiculous idea.

Afternoon Nap

Mum just came home to find me asleep.......

I'd gone to sleep at 4.30pm, woken at 5pm, turned over & went back to sleep, woken up at 5.30pm thought i had half still before mum & D got home so turned and fell asleep again........until mum sat on my bed and woke me up at 6pm.

The last time she came home to fnd me asleep in bed i'd ODed, she couldn't get any sense out of me, struggled to get me to A&E where i promptly started fitting, was taken to resus & had another seizure.

Mummy, I'm sorry i worried you. This is why i make sure i'm awake normally before you get home. I honestly do have a nap like this in the afternoon sometimes, & i do get in bed and pull the covers over me then too.

I'm sorry. xxx

How to offend your guests

I went to college today (and cried my though the class - but thats another story) and while i was away from my control zone (home) Mum's cousin started making soup.

Potato & leek - that's ok i thought, then mum started blending it for her in the kitchen a second ago - with FULL FAT MILK!!

AGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

I'd finally got my head around the fact that we were going to eat out yet again tonight - but it seems while i was out they changed the plans. So now I'm already eating a different main course to them. They're having salmon fillets. Although i eat fish i generally only eat white fish & shellfish. The Susie Belle rule book says oily fish can only be eating with lettuce leaves & cucumber (or other items that will not greatly increase the calorie content of the meal). And now i'm going to offend them by not wanting the soup.

So now i'm sat on the sofa between the daughter & D, praying that they will respect me and not peer round the corner of the laptop screen. I really need to go and sob my heart out. I need someone to give me a hug but there is no-one. I can't tell mum how much distress all this is causing me, i need to try and convince her as best i can because i can't give her the extra pressure of worrying about me.

However sitting in class taking a couple of painkillers this afternoon (just in case i decided to go to the gym, even though i spent 12 hours in london yesterday - mum's pedometer read 21,000 steps at the end!!), i sat there fighting the tears, wondering if anyone would notice if i took another 2 (extra/double strength) pain killers, and then another two...... i wondered if anyone would notice if i finished the last 8 in the packet....

I really can't do this. But i if leave the house (to go for a walk & bawl my eyes out) it will be too obvious. Guess i'll just have to wait until i go to bed. Which is at least 3 hours away..... I wish my appointment with J was sooner, not the 12th, I need some comfort, although i'm sure i'll still be just as fucked up & emotional in 10 days time.

A safe place.

I don't care if it seems babyish or childlike, but i think every now and then human beings need cuddles. Not romantic cuddles, not parent/child cuddles, not patronising sympathy cuddles. Just someone to hold them, help them block out the word & protect them from everyone and everything outside.

I want to create a bubble around me and my protector. I imagine 3 layers/barriers - a humans arms around me, inside the imaginary bubble and inside a room (with the door closed). No words need to be spoken.

It doesn't have to last for long. I'm not asking for this forever. Everyone has their own ideal escape from the world, to re balance to mind.

For me, at the moment, i feel like i am being attacked & pressured from all sides. Everywhere i turn there is something/someone else out to get me. I just want a safe place, a space to let out everything I'm holding inside me.

Yesterday, there was only one semi permeable barrier while i sat and sobbed. There were four walls but the doors could be opened by anyone at any time.

I can't turn to mum. I can't let her see how much things are on top of me right now. But without anyone else to turn to without a) the fear of being turned away or b) feeling like i am putting too much onto someone i don't know well enough, then i fear i am running the risk of building up the pressure to a level where the release comes at a point when i lose control.

I can see two situations, one that i doubt will ever happen and another that may be possible, but i worry i would scare her off by clinging on so tightly. As is always the case though its the impossible that i would prefer.








This isn't coming out as i would like. My brain is too tired and drained to find the right words & express them as i am really feeling. I think i also have a fear of judgement. If i admit the exact details of what i wish for, i will be confirming things that people may think about me, that i don't believe to be true. That my wish for a little comfort is a disorder not a symptom of an illness.

He even had a hat! - "Terry Pratchett"

Today's meeting wasn't quite as bad as expected - although maybe it is better to work yourself up into a frenzy, get a very bad night's sleep the night before, go to the gym the next morning spend an hour in the gym (including 30 intensive minutes in the cross trainer) - half kill yourself (due to the fact of a lingering, so far, week long chesty cough/cold and therefore not having done anything thing other than a half hour stroll for the past 4 days), then do a pilates class & have a breakdown in the car on the way home (it really isn't advisable to drive whilst trying to avoid potholes, peering through a torrent of tears). Perhaps by doing the previous it makes the actual event seem less awful.
So after waiting 10 minutes Dr L marches in on her mobile, pausing to announce to the receptionist that she has a room booked, then carrying on her phone call as she proceeds to enter the designated room. Following behind is Terry - Terry Pratchett. Only after spending an hour in a room with him sat next to me in the circle, did the likeness occur to me. There is a slight physical resemblance (although sturdier in stature), the softness of his speech (I'm hoping that wasn't simply for the benefit of not scaring me off for good, after today's introduction) and there was even a very similar style hat to complete the look. On looking for a suitable photo, i have however, discovered that the real Terry Pratchett is bald on top -My Terry isn't.
After another 10 minutes, presumably for Dr L to finish her phone call, either that or it took them that long to put 5 chairs in a circle, we were called in. I ended up sandwiched between Terry and mum. The floor seemed a very attractive and my gaze stayed focused there for most of the hour, at least certainly when i had my glasses on. A black cat worked it's way from the floor outside up onto the patio table, then onto the brick wall, running along the wall not caring in the slightest about the trees in its path. How i wished that cat would come and rub itself around my ankles, giving me some comfort in the room, which felt too open and exposed.

The tears started when mum mentioned our brief discussions between us at home. I kind of knew she would mention it & i should have been prepared, however i had forgotten to take the tissues that i had remembered to bring with me, out of my bag. Before she had managed to get 2 words out, i stood up and retrieved the tissues from my bag in the seat behind me. From then on looking elsewhere other than the floor was not a problem, seeing as i could no longer see any ones facial features. I could no longer feel their eyes boring into me, laying heavily, rummaging around trying to reach into my inner thoughts.

I realised when i got home though, that the way mum's words came across, weren't exactly how i feel. Mum described our conversation about the fact that if she wasn't alive, i wouldn't be either. The way i felt it came across was that i am living because of mum & because i couldn't bare to be without her. I'm not saying i couldn't bare to be without her, and yes it probably would be another reason for me to leave this mortal earth. However i feel i am living FOR mum. If i died it would break her heart, and that's what i don't want to do. Maybe mum didn't understand which point of view i was coming from?

D had a good go at laying into all the previous therapists/counsellors etc that I've seen. Describing how they delved into my past, looking for a cause and then soon after left the service/transferred somewhere else/went off sick - permanently, etc etc. At that point i was screaming & cheering inside;

"Go D! Go D! Go D!"

It felt nice to have somebody stand up for me and not just paint me as the, unsolvable, black sheep straightaway.

Terry seemed/said he was impressed how I'd got over (HaHaHa!!!) the anorexia. My reply to that was that i wasn't happy, which was why i was "living" at the gym at the moment. (Shhhhh..... don't tell anyone but the restriction is greater and i really pushed myself at the gym today, even though the cough is still there)

I've said I'll do whatever mum wants. I want to make her happy - or at least try. I've fucked up so much, it sounds like she sees my biological clock as ticking etc so basically if i had said no to Terry's suggestion of seeing him, i would have not been trying/letting people down etc etc.

Therapeutic Communities were mentioned. I think Terry sees one of the main problems as the extra strong emotional bond between mum & I. I think they see a TC as a way of cutting the apron strings. After a bit of googling tonight, it turns out Terry used to, or possibly still does, work at a TC in London. No wonder he's all in favour of it then!!

Anyway the outcome of today is that i will have a few/some (no specific number given) sessions with Terry and Dr L will keep an eye from a distance.

I must remember to make a point of making sure he understands my point of view with regards to me being alive and mum's existence. I was rather impressed that he asked my permission to contact my last psychotherapist, who i got on very well with. I know this previous guy will give me fair representation. I always felt like he understood me and he always seemed to get genuinely infuriated by tales i would tell him or remarks people had said. He was on my side. I hope Terry will be too.

Mum & D are out tonight - i hope mum's managed to forget about me, stop worrying about me at least for a couple of hours. I know she was worried about how I'd be after the meeting this afternoon - but playing dumb to an annoying sales call was a good way to play the evil sadistic bitch just a minute ago gave me a good laugh. I'm not the harming, reactive teenager anymore. I don't overdose because psychiatrists upset me, like i did when i was 15. I may not be happy but that don't mean I'm going to harm myself at the first chance i get to be alone.

Besides i need to rest tonight before a mammoth gym effort tomorrow. 2 classes with a 2 hour gap in the middle during which the plan is stamina not an all out workout, like today. Some sleep would be nice tonight too.

Oneway street

Scene 1 - In the Lounge

TV is on. Susie is sitting on the 3 seater sofa with her laptop, her mother on the 2 seater, with a plate on her lap and D is at the table finishing his beer after lunch.

Susie: Oooo! The Eden Project are making a beer -made from sloes, hawthorn berries and-

Mother: Susie. D is trying to listen(!)

Susie exits hastily, upstairs to collect college work from the printer, but enters the bathroom, shutting the door behind her instead.

Susie: Yet no-one ever bothers to keep quiet when i'm interested in something on the television.

Susie releases her anger, by her fists striking into her flank. Flushes the toilet and exits. She returns downstairs after collecting the paper from the printer, pretending she wasn't bothered by the comment.

Keeping away from emotional hurt

Now i remember why I've been avoiding the doctors surgery. A simple appointment to get some more cream results in me leaving more distressed than when i went in.


Seeing J was possibly the shortest appointment I've ever had with her. I was still rather dopey from the sleeping tablets that i blocked the morning out with, which unsurprisingly she noticed, and i guessed that kept any emotion away too. I sat there for a moment after she handed me the prescription, praying that i could let out the desperation held inside. Nothing came though until as i was waiting for them to dispense the cream, when i started to feel anxious, wishing they would hurry up so i could get home and breakdown.


Little did i know that there would be more cause for tears. I had my back to her when she called my name to hand me the cream, but even then i recognised the voice which made me turn around to face her faster, almost in disbelief. I was to hug her, cling on and cry. The emotions where certainly there now, however now i was out of the privacy of a consulting room and back out in the public eye.


E had been away due to breast cancer, which i knew but to see her now with sparkling silver hair rather than the rich mahogony that i was used to seeing her with, made it more real. It was always clear that her hair was dyed, as with lots of women but i guess it has regrown back more naturally. It melted my heart to see her and for her to tell me that she was given the all clear at yesterday's mamogram. She is one of the receptionists who has known me since i first started going there regulary about a decade ago. It just hurts to know that her caring, soft, kind voice will always be separated from me by the desk in that reception.

"Silly"

"Where are you going?"

"Upstairs because i'm going to lose it."

"Well, you're very silly then."

Because i'm just a silly little girl. Just like you've always thought.

Cue mini magnum cravings. Must stock up on Options Hot Chocolate tomorrow. Or simply buy oodles of proper chocolate and become even more obese and disgusting like they wanted me to become and have turned me into.

Once again the result of hidden tears and depression all day. Tantrum over dinner. Shitty feelings over throwing away a crab that i just couldn't face eating (taste/flavour issue not calorie issue), with thoughts of starving children swamping my conscience.

Why can't mum see it as anything other than stupid opinions that i thought she'd got over, in fact she's starting to sound like my grandfather from the 'pull yourself together' generation. Do i have to be seeing a psych/CPN or be skeletal or shredded by blades or overdosing for her to class is as depression? Do i need to be popping the happy pills again? Is this just a ploy to get me to see Dr L, to regain my MH label officially?

Failed to get to the gym today, but booked into a class tomorrow with an instructor who's on my wave length, at least in part. She disclosed her MH experiences/background with me last week & gave me a hug on parting. No self harm or ED background but a person whose breakdown involved hospital contact of some kind (no detail provided but thats not the point) makes me feel at ease slightly. Hopefully while i'm there after the class i'll find that motivation to try pick the hugest calorie burning work out. Being able to physically grab handles on my waist and my thighs touching makes me feel physically sick. I never had that before the ED, so i don't want it now either!

Mistake after mistake

• pathetic fell apart mid morning and ened up calling mum and meeting her for lunch (although spotted an email at D's work from her to him which said "SB just invited herself to lunch - to say goodbye?")
• Now sitting on the sofa in the lounge trying to do as she wants. Have said i'll see whatever professionals, but have made it clear i'm doing it for her, and don't personally see the point. As i said to her, what ever i do, i'm going too hurt her, whether i stay or go.
• Have over eaten on a large scale - even by normal persons' standards.
• Started with grapefruit, 3 mini clementines, skinny hot chocolate, dutch crisp bake with spread, a small sharon fruit, about 3 little chocolates (M&S truffle type choccies), mincepie while i went out to deliver pressies to the boss & try and get something for mum. The lunch at Cafe Nero, toasted mozarella, tomato & basil panini. Bought a bit of bread pudding from Greggs after leaving mum and getting some nuts for the birds. Went to D's work, stayed there for an hour and a half. Came home in the heavy snow & had a bowl of fruit & fibre, skinny hot choc. A mini mandarin, 2 chocolate truffles, handful of salted cashews. Dinner of a leftover jacket potato, 5 sprouts, blue cheese, the potato shells filled with double gloucester cheese, half a courgette, some brocolli & cauliflower. Bowl of light walls icecream with baileys, 3 squares of milka chocolate, another small sharon fruit & skinny hot choc.
• AND I STILL FEEL HUNGRY!!! well kind of. my stomach is so bloated and full, it almost hurts, yet my brain feels almost empty and hungry still. How do i stop it? am i hungry? whats going on?
• Probably another mistake was ordering somethings online which i though would help stop me from overeating, but i know if i'm not careful could get me in a lot of trouble, and even more if mum ever finds out i have them!! I just have to make sure i'm in control.......

So three main mistakes......Playing along with life, Eating too much (don't feel like its over yet) & ordering contraban online.

I think there may be a 4th mistake in the form of harm tonight too. I'm not sure i will settle without something to focus on.

Time to say good bye in one way or another.

I can't do this anymore. I can't stand being alive. I know its selfish when there are so many people on this planet so less fortunate, but this depression and general mental state is not a way to live, and in many ways its not living - its surviving.

I've told mum i'll play happy families over christmas with the grandparents and then i'm going. but after yet another crossing of paths just a minute ago, i think i'm off tomorrow.

This is stupid - why am i even saying this? we all know i'm too pathetic and weak to leave. especially as i have nowhere to go. And with the ice and snow, sleeping in the car isn't the best of ideas, although part of me doesn't care. Hypothermia, dehydration - self harm without the effort isn't it?

Or do i leave the car at home, pack up the nytol and sleep though it all on a bench somewhere.

I just can't stay here with mum wanting me to see pointless professionals. I'm not going to waste their time just to keep other people happy. But then i also can't stay here as i am, with mum seeing me day after day. I'm sorry i'm not perfect, i'm sorry i'm not happy - but thats me! i can't magically change. therefore i think its time to leave.

Or the orders to medical supplies will go through, mistakes will occur and i'll hurt people even more.

I wish i was free, i wish they weren't around. I just want to go for ever but i know that would be the ultimate act of hurt.

Fighting back the tears

My attachment issues regarding K are ridiculous. She left a message on my home answerphone, saying she had booked me an appointment for the 5th of January - probably the same time as the one i cancelled! Who knows. I didn't take note of the time, i headed straight out of the door armed with the book i borrowed, and popped down the icy/snowy road to the surgery, just in time for her to be finishing her surgery - and for once she had finished on time!

I had thought about writing a letter and dropping it off with the book, but sitting in my roon, fighting back the tears with mum and D downstairs, i decided to sort out the problem there and then.

Anyway the receptionist called down to her and i went straight down to her room. The tears were rolling. But she took the book and listened to my reasons as to why i wanted to cancel. I simply feel like i am being chased at the moment, and the more they call, the further away i want to be. It turned out that she didn't realise i had cancelled the appointment, she thought i had slipped out on monday without one being made.

A big part of me wanted her to ask me to reconsider and turn up. To ask me to think again - like M and Dr L have done (both of whom i have had calls today also) - but she simply went on to remind me that now i am an adult unless i am a danger to others they are unlikely to "sit on me" as she put it. As for being a danger to myself, she said it was up to me whether i hurt myself or not. As i left i made sure she knew i wasn't being rude or ungrateful, her reply,

"Believe it or not, I understand."

I do believe her, i trust her more than anyone. She's about the only person i trust with my life.

I think alot of the reason for me wanting to keep away from her, is down to the fact right now i feel so vulnerable i want to cling on - just like in the dream. I think i need that time away, to separate myself and distance myself. At least i can recognise this attachment issue these days, that than overstep the mark and hand deliver a letter to her house - as i did with a receptionist i got very close to, aged 16 ish.

I know i've made the right decision, but i still want to sob my heart out.

My mind tonight has gone back to the thought that i really don't care, my plans of restocking are somewhat thwarted by christmas posting issues. Also there's the problem with recieving the post too with mum & D being off work over christmas and then again on friday 1st. I guess though that there will be no deliveries on the days they are off work..... only christmas eve, when D is off during the morning......

Oh dear plotting and planning. I honestly don't want to end up on S ward (not that you'd believe it), but something inside me says it will all be controlled and i can harm safely - slight contradiction of terms i know - am i that far out of control. Have i really lost that much sense?

I'm not sure where i am these days. I just want to make it through christmas safely, for mum, nan, grandpa & D. After that? I'm not sure. I've heard via M and K that Dr L is planning on refering me to the teams psychologist - another person to start again with, go over my 23 years of life, depression, harm and disasters - only 23 years but a hell of a lot packed in to them. I really don't want to spend weeks going over every med, Dr, nurse, hospital, section etc etc. Whats the point? I've been there before.

I'm so tempted to let K into the world of Susie Belle, I trust her so much i want to share the truth with her - the whole truth. Maybe one day.

(P.S the balloon i sent was starting to go down..... i started a conversation with the receptionists (2 who are newer but i am beginning to get to know and become fond of) about it and the said the children love it & want to take it home. Its done well in a busy place for 5 days, and when i mentioned they plump up & expand when warmer they said they might give it to someone on Christmas Eve to take home. I want to send more! but i think i should perhaps at least wait a month or too. Valentines Day? or Easter? It makes people happy and as became clear tonight, no-one knows i am the secret balloon sender!)