Did i eat that? (food diary entry)

My brain really has completely lost it. I really struggle to remember what i've eaten and then panic that i've blocked out something that i HAVE actually eaten.

So what did today consist of? In no particular order.....

• 2 raw brussel sprouts
• 2 raw small mushrooms (one filled with quark and the other a tsp of picallili)
• 4 mandarins
• 1 medium apple
• a bowl of homemade beetroot soup (beetroot, stock cube and water)
• 2 medium beetroot (roasted)
• 2 red onions (roasted)
• 50g cous cous (with a veggie oxo cube)
• 3 mandarins

Why oh why does that seem like too much? This morning i felt closer to collapse that ever before and spent the morning doing nothing, and feeling very lazy for it. After seeing the scales go up (probably - hopefully - just water weight, although it could be the weekend catching up with me) by just over a pound, i told myself today that i was not going to eat anything until dinner and that i was to limit the number of squash drinks i had (being 5 calories each) and sticking to diet fizzy drinks and black tea instead.

I guess in some ways its good i don't listen to myself. The apple was a spur of the moment thing which i spent the rest of the day hating myself for, but then turning the heating off in the house was probably enough of a punishment.

I've thought about keeping a food diary so i don't get into these panics but where would i keep it? On paper or online? At least i haven't gone back to weighing every item of food. When i hit my lowest weight (only 4lb lighter than now) i was weighing every since item in my dinner. Each vegetable, because back then i was only eating fruit, veg and sugar free jelly. I mean weighing swede or carrots for example. Madness. But does that mean i'm not as bad as i was then? I certainly feel more out of control compared to then. However i tell myself i'm nowhere near that state, despite my weight. After all i had cous cous tonight, i had bread yesterday, i'll eat cheese these days (even if it is low fat) - its not just fruit and veg anymore - so thats progress isn't it?