No excuses

Theere are no excuses for my abscence.

I just haven't felt like blogging.

There still been plenty going on. Maybe there's been too much going on. I don't do very well with time management; My room is a tip, I haven't completed the extra bits on the volunteer project i've been doing, I haven't started the college (yes i'm attempting to study again)assignment i got monday (its now Friday), I'm trying to get fundraising bits sorted for my run (paper forms & cards with online sponsor page, just a T-shirts & the emailing round/publicity to do) - oh & i'm still trying to lose all the weight i gained over Christmas. Probably about half a stone, but its not just over eating at christmas, its huge lack of exercise due to illness too. So that flat tummy i worked so hard to gain has gone. But i need to be thinking about running really as i am extremely behind with training. So for now it will be running 4 days a week, yoga/pilates etc 4 times a week, a couple of my beloved classes on a sunday (although one of them is one of those 4 yogaish ones) and fridays i may do a weights class but taking it gently.
Except for half term & tutorial weeks when i get the chance to do classes with instructors i really miss doing classes with.

That kind of brings me onto why i've returned. The nightmare last night was that mixture of painful upsetting because it was comfort that i know will never happen & very distressing because it was dragging up some of the worst of the past. I can't recal the order of events but it included all of these points:

• M, an instructor i miss doing classes with rescuing me when my car broke down & i was very distressed & taking me back to her place


• Where my psych called me and told me i was going to be sectioned (It was my first adult services psych who couldn't really speak english & grabbed my arm & pushed up my sleeve to see my scars - funnily enough i always hated him) when i asked why it was due the arm band marks that mum had seen on my tummy - which apparently made me a danger to myself (WTF goes on in my head while i'm asleep?!)


• I told M it would be fine as i hadn't been harming, so i'd go but they had no grounds to section me.


• Except they did. horrible psych was there with another of my current instructors R who was trying to get him to see the benefits of the classes while he just said it was me damaging myself. There was another bloke in the room i was in too & i can't recall what but he doesn't have a positive feel attached to him - quite the opposite.


• Somewhere along the lines i was talking to someone at a yard who was telling me she had met me before when i'd had a car accident with a horse box, but i was sure that i had only had one serious incident which didn't involve anyone else (which is true). I felt all confused in the dream but kind of confused when i woke up too. Its like the dream was becoming reality and i couldn't separate the 2.


• There was something else too about getting ready for a party & getting the theme wrong & then we were at this restaurant & someone dropped the game of battleships & mum & i were trying to find all the little pieces. All though there were no familiar faces other than mum, it still didn't feel like a happy dream. like there was something underlying which still makes me want to wake up & cry.

Which is pretty much what i did - well on the car on the way here, to college. Is it a bit risky blogging from college? That does seem to be a big theme with me right now - Apathy. I couldn't give a shit about anything. Its taken me a month to start stressing about the weight gain - stressing to the point of harming at least and even then i couldn't be bothered to do that damage i felt i wanted too.

Anyway in 7 minutes i need to be in class where we are giving indvidual presentation - just what i need!

Eating Disorder? Nah i'm not losing weight! (calorie details warning)

Yesterday was the London ED Unit appointment. Had to be there for 1pm so yesterday morning i got up, went for a 2 mile run and then left on my 2 hour journey (30 minute drive, 1 hour tube, 30 minute walk). Should have worn my HRM on my journey to see hour my very brisk power walking improved calorie burning. But i didn't so when i go back to the town where the car was i went the gym & did 45 minutes of weights & abs.

So do i have an Eating Disorder? well she didn't really say yesterday, although she didn't fob me off. My description of my diet & a 2-3 mile a day seemed to be enough. I failed to mention the hour in the gym that i also do 5 days a week.

I wonder what she would have thought of today. I want to tell someone because i feel so so proud, but then i also know its not something everyone would understand. I'm not even sure M would be on my side with this one. What i do know is i love my heart rate monitor!

So today's activities:

• at the gym for 8.10am, dump stuff in locker, change shoes
• 5 min walk warm up, Training of Run 15 mins, walk 5, run 15. During the training time i managed to cover 3.3 miles all good progress. 5 min walk cool down. (HRM: 405)
  
• The back to changing rooms, change shoes, have cereal bar, refill water bottle and go to first class.
• LBT class 50 mins (HRM: 317)
• Step class straight after (HRM: 423)

I left the gym on a complete high, no pain from injury & i felt alive. I think a great new step routine helped there. After than i had bits to do at home, mum was home off work, she's still not right after the car accident. Lots of washing (hmmm, some of which is still in the tumble drier....) and then off to teach someone about computers & the internet. So not overly active this afternoon but after burning over 1100 this morning i don't think i needed to be jumping up and down all the time.

As for the eating side, if i don't know exact calorie details i always make sure i over-estimate, so according to the food diary the final total with be 1300 by the time i go to bed.

Now if that regime doesn't lose me this spare tyre goodness knows what will. I know today was more extreme than normal, i mean calorie intake is normally around that, although we are going out for dinner tomorrow night so i'd better behave during the morning and at lunch! But exercise sessions normally total about 400 right now, although as running times increase that will too i guess.

But if i feel that good after 3 hours on a friday morning, i don't care. Makes me sad to think that as soon as i get a job i'll lose that. Guess it will just mean very early runs and evening classes to get the work done.

Brain Swimming now Sinking

Bloods taken, results in a week.

Physio referal, wait and see.

Run though pain, just keep going. Must keep training.

Ice x3 daily, reduce inflamation which J confirmed.

Detail everything that passes my lips.

Detail all exercise.

Lose the extra weight - about 14lb/7kg.

Referal to London, hope it comes soon.

Appointment with TP & Dr L, dreading the looming nightmare situation.

Appointment with M tomorrow.

Hair appointment friday - DO NOT let mum pay!

Drop mum & D to airport early Saturday, go to D's work Saturday morning.

Survive 3 and a half days completely alone.

Get head around new staff at the surgery - a job that could have been mine if i hadn't got too close to the place. More new people who don't know or understand. Who's leaving to make room? Who am i going to have to get over leaving now?

Can i handle going to that place to see K anymore?

Keep up the volunteering.

Get a Job.

Keep the job.

Get some qualifications.

Earn some money.

Pay off debts.

Stay in control.

Stop crying.


GET A FUCKING GRIP!

Confidentiality

This meeting is driving me insane. I had a good chat about it with M today. She offered to come to it - if i could get her an invite. But i'm still not sure i want to go myself. If i go i will spend the next 3 weeks stressing with no doubt more nightmares and on the day being the most horrendous person to live with, not want to be near anyone & then fall apart the next day because i will be trying my hardest to keep it together in front of mum & D.

If i don't go, however, i'm worried that things will be said & confidentiality will be broken without my permission. But if i make the decision that i am not going, now, then i won't have to stress for the next 3 weeks. If i don't go, i will find out my rights regarding confidentiality and then if mum & D come back knowing anything they shouldn't, i'll sue their arses off!

But even in the initial meeting back in january things were said that i didn't give them permission to divulge. I'd told Dr L during an appointment with her that Mum, D, Nan & Grandpa were the 4 reasons i was still alive & if they weren't around i really had no other reason. The depression has worn me down & if i hit a low patch & i was on my own then i don't think i'd see a rason to fight. I'm living my life for mum - which has often been said to me. Anyway Dr L came out with this before i could stop her back in january, and i can recall mentioning that i didn't want mum knowing when i was in my appointment with Dr L. So whether i'm there or not i think things will be said that i don't want said.

I think i need to find out my rights somehow, somewhere.




On the stressful/down side & in other news, M is refering me back to London to the ED unit. She she to refer me back to the unit generally so that i can see the dietician there. She thinks the guy there would be really good & might be able to help. My 2000 a day experiment has gained me nothing but 1.2kg in a week. Hippo-ness here i come! I want to just go back to restricting right this instant. But i can't just yet, i have to stick to 1800 to 2000 until i see the dietician, so i can show/prove that something is really wrong. I shouldn't gain on 2000 a day as it is, let alone with the amount of exercising & walking i do. M is baffled, hence the referal to the specialist again. I'm praying he will have an answer or suggestion but i'm dreading having to go to a place where there will be skinny women that will make me feel even more of a fat fraud.

Its hard enough leaving the house & finding clothes to wear that don't cling to me right now. I stood in the health food shop and cried today trying to decide on a snack to help me reach my 1800 target. It took me 10-15 mins in that shop to buy a simple Eat Natural bar. Its OK going to the gym because there are other people trying to fight the flab and it shows i'm trying my hardest to do something about it. No-one outsie the ED world really understands though. Afterall my BMI is 23.9 & still within the healthy range, so what am i so upset about? Only M truely knows what this is doing to me mentally. With the other issues too, i cried for about 75% of our hour & a half appointment today.

I am starting to think that unless i give in to the weight gain, i will have to live the rest of my life hungry.

Another reason i never want to see you again

No more secrets

from post secret

Dear Dr L, TP & CMHT admin staff... (explicit language)

Why can't they just leave me alone? I was doing fine again until the letter arrived about the dreaded meeting. And then when mum phoned to tell them about their screw up, they sent me another one - Don't send me another, just FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!

I know about the meeting so i don't need another letter, with a cover note, apologising for "any distress caused" You want to know about distress caused? I'll tell you. When i saw what it was i was fuming, the letter (and cover note) is now back in the envelope in little pieces. After taking my initial anger out on the pieces of paper, i sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I felt like i wanted to cry forever, like i couldn't cry enough to get the feelings out. Previously harming is a way to stop the tears - but you are not worth causing damage to myself over. I will not bare scars that are connected to you any more. Scars are only worthy of feelings & emotions about issues that have nothing o do with any of you.

So i went upstairs and lay on my bed with my tears soaking my pillow, it wouldn't surprise me if the pillow is still damp now. I cried all the way to the supermarket & then all the way back home again as i had forgotten the shopping bags where i was in such a mess.

I will not be coming to your meeting, i am going to find out my rights over what you can say without my presence & if i find out my mother knows any details i have shared with you, then i shall be making a formal complaint.

Every week i saw TP my mood plummeted & the harm i caused due to the feelings i felt - i do not need that. The mere thought of seeing any of you drags my mood down instantly & i can't hide that from mum. I do not need you weakening my defences.

I never wish to see any of you ever again.

P.S Dr L, you really need to sort out that midlife crisis, faded red/orange dyed hair. You used to look respectable, now you and your red tights, short skirts and disastrous hair cut and colour look like mutton dressed as lamb. Its actually laughable but in a sad pathetic way not a funny one.

Yay!! they've screwed up again!!

Once again MH services are not at all popular here!

While Mum and D were away they got a letter from the local CMHT, presumably to do with the carers appointment they were told they would get, which mum opened this morning.....

"We're sorry you couldn't attend your appointment....."

"what appointment?" was the remark from all 3 of us.

According to the letter they were given one on the 23rd April! The fact that no letter even arrived or there was no phone call to check they were going etc etc - well thats probably totally irrelavent to the CMHT.




Sorry but all i can think is YAY!!! - maybe mum will join me in the very little trust i have of these people now!

He even had a hat! - "Terry Pratchett"

Today's meeting wasn't quite as bad as expected - although maybe it is better to work yourself up into a frenzy, get a very bad night's sleep the night before, go to the gym the next morning spend an hour in the gym (including 30 intensive minutes in the cross trainer) - half kill yourself (due to the fact of a lingering, so far, week long chesty cough/cold and therefore not having done anything thing other than a half hour stroll for the past 4 days), then do a pilates class & have a breakdown in the car on the way home (it really isn't advisable to drive whilst trying to avoid potholes, peering through a torrent of tears). Perhaps by doing the previous it makes the actual event seem less awful.
So after waiting 10 minutes Dr L marches in on her mobile, pausing to announce to the receptionist that she has a room booked, then carrying on her phone call as she proceeds to enter the designated room. Following behind is Terry - Terry Pratchett. Only after spending an hour in a room with him sat next to me in the circle, did the likeness occur to me. There is a slight physical resemblance (although sturdier in stature), the softness of his speech (I'm hoping that wasn't simply for the benefit of not scaring me off for good, after today's introduction) and there was even a very similar style hat to complete the look. On looking for a suitable photo, i have however, discovered that the real Terry Pratchett is bald on top -My Terry isn't.
After another 10 minutes, presumably for Dr L to finish her phone call, either that or it took them that long to put 5 chairs in a circle, we were called in. I ended up sandwiched between Terry and mum. The floor seemed a very attractive and my gaze stayed focused there for most of the hour, at least certainly when i had my glasses on. A black cat worked it's way from the floor outside up onto the patio table, then onto the brick wall, running along the wall not caring in the slightest about the trees in its path. How i wished that cat would come and rub itself around my ankles, giving me some comfort in the room, which felt too open and exposed.

The tears started when mum mentioned our brief discussions between us at home. I kind of knew she would mention it & i should have been prepared, however i had forgotten to take the tissues that i had remembered to bring with me, out of my bag. Before she had managed to get 2 words out, i stood up and retrieved the tissues from my bag in the seat behind me. From then on looking elsewhere other than the floor was not a problem, seeing as i could no longer see any ones facial features. I could no longer feel their eyes boring into me, laying heavily, rummaging around trying to reach into my inner thoughts.

I realised when i got home though, that the way mum's words came across, weren't exactly how i feel. Mum described our conversation about the fact that if she wasn't alive, i wouldn't be either. The way i felt it came across was that i am living because of mum & because i couldn't bare to be without her. I'm not saying i couldn't bare to be without her, and yes it probably would be another reason for me to leave this mortal earth. However i feel i am living FOR mum. If i died it would break her heart, and that's what i don't want to do. Maybe mum didn't understand which point of view i was coming from?

D had a good go at laying into all the previous therapists/counsellors etc that I've seen. Describing how they delved into my past, looking for a cause and then soon after left the service/transferred somewhere else/went off sick - permanently, etc etc. At that point i was screaming & cheering inside;

"Go D! Go D! Go D!"

It felt nice to have somebody stand up for me and not just paint me as the, unsolvable, black sheep straightaway.

Terry seemed/said he was impressed how I'd got over (HaHaHa!!!) the anorexia. My reply to that was that i wasn't happy, which was why i was "living" at the gym at the moment. (Shhhhh..... don't tell anyone but the restriction is greater and i really pushed myself at the gym today, even though the cough is still there)

I've said I'll do whatever mum wants. I want to make her happy - or at least try. I've fucked up so much, it sounds like she sees my biological clock as ticking etc so basically if i had said no to Terry's suggestion of seeing him, i would have not been trying/letting people down etc etc.

Therapeutic Communities were mentioned. I think Terry sees one of the main problems as the extra strong emotional bond between mum & I. I think they see a TC as a way of cutting the apron strings. After a bit of googling tonight, it turns out Terry used to, or possibly still does, work at a TC in London. No wonder he's all in favour of it then!!

Anyway the outcome of today is that i will have a few/some (no specific number given) sessions with Terry and Dr L will keep an eye from a distance.

I must remember to make a point of making sure he understands my point of view with regards to me being alive and mum's existence. I was rather impressed that he asked my permission to contact my last psychotherapist, who i got on very well with. I know this previous guy will give me fair representation. I always felt like he understood me and he always seemed to get genuinely infuriated by tales i would tell him or remarks people had said. He was on my side. I hope Terry will be too.

Mum & D are out tonight - i hope mum's managed to forget about me, stop worrying about me at least for a couple of hours. I know she was worried about how I'd be after the meeting this afternoon - but playing dumb to an annoying sales call was a good way to play the evil sadistic bitch just a minute ago gave me a good laugh. I'm not the harming, reactive teenager anymore. I don't overdose because psychiatrists upset me, like i did when i was 15. I may not be happy but that don't mean I'm going to harm myself at the first chance i get to be alone.

Besides i need to rest tonight before a mammoth gym effort tomorrow. 2 classes with a 2 hour gap in the middle during which the plan is stamina not an all out workout, like today. Some sleep would be nice tonight too.

Confirmation (via mother)

It seems i am even too big/overweight/f-a-t according to my mother now too. I have been getting various comments since she realised i was try with all my might to loose weight. In fact i'm starting to wonder now if she'd care if i stopped eating all together - if only i could fight my appetite & the stress/comfort eating that much.

When she first noticed i'd started cutting back (plus going to the gym 4/5 days a week) her words were "I'm watching you!" but in a matter of a couple of months that has turned completely full circle.

One wednesday when she had asked me what i had done that day, i though i'd try and prove to her that i was trying to lose the weight semi-sensibly, for all the good it did me. I told her how in between my two classes (both hour long intensive aerobics/fitness classes), i had walked into town (about 20 minutes), gone to Holland & Barrett and found this rather yummy protein bar which was only 136 calories and tasted just like a double decker to me! I said this to prove i was being sensible by having something to eat between my two jumpy bouncy classes. The response i got? "Did you really need that?"

With being ill over the last week my eating & appetite has gradually decreased. My throat is so sort this morning that even swallowing liquid was rather a trial - so i'm not holding out much hope for today either. However judging my last nights remarks from mum, thats not a problem. I really didn't feel like eating yesterday, and knew i wasn't going to get through much so thought i'd treat myself to a bit of bread pudding. Sadly the first bakery i was counting on didn't have any which was a big disappointment as they make a really nice one, but i thought i'd try the other bakery while i was out. But being a chain bakery it wasn't unsuprisingly not that great, a bit dry, but then again nothing tastes like it should right now, so i guess the flavour wasn't too bad. Anyway - mum saw the foil packet & i, trying to be open & honest and share things with her - again for all the good it does me, explained my day and lack of appetite.
"Wouldn't it be a good idea to capitalise on that?"

Feeling my frustration yet? I said to her that if i'd not eaten very much she'd have been on my back, chasing me about it. "No i wouldn't" However, in fact the other day she came home & commented how there weren't very many dirty dishes & proceeded to ask me what i'd had for lunch.

The nail in the coffin whilst i was making my bowl of parsnip soup "Well, you're not going to waste away, are you?"

It makes me want to throw it back in her face and eat nothing at all, after all i have enough body fat to live on, and clearly its not just my own personal body image - its real.


sadly it seems my cough/cold is slowly starting to clear up which means it looks like i'm going to have to face this family therapy meeting thing on Tuesday - can you tell how much i've been avoiding it - I haven't even alluded to it on here yet, and its now 4 days away. The other annoying thing is i'm not sure i'm going to be up to going to gym to take out my frustrations on the punch bag tuesday morning - surely though if i'm not well enough for the gym, then i'm not well enough for a stressful meeting??!!

I've Been labelled.....

I saw it there in black and white:

"Borderline Personality Disorder"

So i'm not depressed then?

"According to DSM-IV, the diagnostic manual from American Psychiatric Association, criteria used by mental health professionals, you have Major Depressive Disorder if:

*You have had an episode of depression lasting at least two weeks with at least five of the following symptoms:
(1) You are depressed, sad, blue, tearful. yes
(2) You have lost interest or pleasure in things you previously liked to do. yes
(3) Your appetite is much less or much greater than usual and you have lost or gained weight. yes - my weight continues to rise
(4) You have a lot of trouble sleeping or sleep too much. i sleep 9-10 hours every night
(5) You are so agitated, restless, or slowed down that others have begun to notice.
(6) You are tired and have no energy. yes, i could go to up to bed to sleep right now (its 11.30am)
(7) You feel worthless or excessively guilty about things you have done or not done. does feeling this way about the last 10 years count?
(8) You have trouble concentrating, thinking clearly, or making decisions. yes, & i've offered to do the grocery shopping later, decision making hell! but thats because i feel guilty about being me etc etc
(9) You feel you would be better off dead or have thoughts about killing yourself.
if it wasn't going to destroy my family once and for all......
*These symptoms are severe enough to upset your daily routine, or to seriously impair your work, or to interfere with your relationships.

*The depression does not have a specific cause like alcohol, drugs, medication side effect, or physical illness.

*Your depression is not just a normal reaction to the death of a loved one."

I feel like no-one believes me. Just because no-one sees me all day, no-one sees the tears - what do i have to do for them to believe me? If i reacted by harming of ODing that would just cause them to adhere the BPD label even further. But i'm not, i may have thought about it but instead i'm sat on the sofa sobbing my heart out.

Theraputic Community was mentioned again and it seems ultimately that is the punishment for the last 10 years. Send me away to live among a group of people, stop me from seeing my family, probably feed me crap food that will cause me to get even fatter, especially as i won't have access to the gym. They want to have a meeting between me, mum, D, Dr L and this psychotherapist to discuss whatever.......i don't know, i've had enough of seeing them all. I'll go along to keep them happy, otherwise i will just be accussed of being obstanate.

I'm not saying BPD doesn't apply at all.

"The DSM-IV gives these nine criteria; a diagnosis requires that the subject present with at least five of these."

Traits involving emotions: Quite frequently people with BPD have a very hard time controlling their emotions.
1. Shifts in mood lasting only a few hours. My moods don't change that quickly

2. Anger that is inappropriate, intense or uncontrollable. I rarely get angry, and i generally think its justified - like going to see people that i really don't want to see!


Traits involving behavior:
3. Self-destructive acts, such as self-mutilation or suicidal threats and gestures that happen more than once yes, but certainly not as frequent as when i was younger.

4. Two potentially self-damaging impulsive behaviors. These could include alcohol and other drug abuse, compulsive spending, gambling, eating disorders, shoplifting, reckless driving, compulsive sexual behavior. Only one there was the eating disorder, and that started as more of a self harm/destructive act.


Traits involving identity
5. Marked, persistent identity disturbance shown by uncertainty in at least two areas. These areas can include self-image, sexual orientation, career choice or other long-term goals, friendships, values. People with BPD may not feel like they know who they are, or what they think, or what their opinions are, or what religion they should be. yes i have uncertainty as to long term career/goals but when you have few qualifications yet would like to do something more than work in Tescos, wouldn't you? (am i trying to justify my way out of this one?). But i know my opinions, who i am, what i think, and i KNOW i don't believe in religion - i'll respect others who do, but i know its not for me.

6. Chronic feelings of emptiness or boredom. Doesn't some of that emptiness refer back to depression? I don't have the energy to waste on feeling bored anyway.

Traits involving relationships
7. Unstable, chaotic intense relationships characterized by splitting (see below).
8. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

*Splitting: the self and others are viewed as "all good" or "all bad." Someone with BPD said, "One day I would think my doctor was the best and I loved her, but if she challenged me in any way I hated her. There was no middle ground as in like. In my world, people were either the best or the worst. I couldn't understand the concept of middle ground."
*Alternating clinging and distancing behaviors (I Hate You, Don't Leave Me). Sometimes you want to be close to someone. But when you get close it feels TOO close and you feel like you have to get some space. This happens often. In my mind maybe but i keep it in my mind. Although i have been keeping away from K and J for reasons like this even if i haven't shared that with them.
*Great difficulty trusting people and themselves. Early trust may have been shattered by people who were close to you. If trust issues have been shattered early on then surely loads of people have trust issues?
*Sensitivity to criticism or rejection. You're not human if you don't feel this to some degree!
*Feeling of "needing" someone else to survive I wouldn't say i NEED anyone, like may be easier with some people though
*Heavy need for affection and reassurance Reassurance maybe but not affection anymore
*Some people with BPD may have an unusually high degree of interpersonal sensitivity, insight and empathy FFS! people think your fucked up if you can't empathise with people most of the time. I'm constantly told that insight is a good thing!!
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

This means feeling "out of it," or not being able to remember what you said or did. This mostly happens in times of severe stress.
Only happens very very rarely, maybe a handful of occassions over the last 10 years.

And anyway, this is the second time Dr L has seen me after a 3 year gap - How the hell can she slap a label on me that quickly when i've changed so much in the last 3 and a half years!

Perhaps i should have entitled this post "How to make Susie angry and dislike you"

Hanging on

As usual its my fault. I starved myself for 3 years and now my body won't let me lose any of that weight. I can't even seemed to turn any of the fat into toned muscle by dragging myself to the gym 3 or 4 times a week!

Having realised all my efforts are futile, the comfort eating is sneaking in. Arguments result in detours via the bakery and purchases of bread pudding. Tiredness requires comfort - today in the form whipped cream on the top of a normal (rather than lower calorie) hot chocolate.

Depression has taken over. I cried on and off (take that as all times I was alone) from when i got up until i had finally got most of it out of my system talking to M. I think i cried for the first 45 minutes of the hour and a half. I have come to the conclusion that while i have no energy and no life inside me that i am going to have to live as a hippo, heavier than i have ever been in my 23 years of life.

M, Dr L and this new psych are apparently having a meeting tomorrow, M called me this morning to ask me if i was going. Great,i thought, more crap communtication from the team. But no, it turns out its not a CPA, just a professionals meeting. Seems they are plotting and scheming, with M there to give them the low-down on me, as she is the only person to have seen me other than K, in the last 3 years. I guess i'll find out on friday what they want from me.

Mum asked me what i had to loose, in our 'heated discussion' today.

The answer: The last little scrap of energy i have left inside of me.

Sunday Post Secrets

i love post secret even though i still haven't seen my one on there but i expect he gets millions sent a week. it must be so hard to decide which ones to post on the blog!

another secret jogged my consciousness this sunday

Is this a sign that i should give in to Dr L, mum, M etc?

Depression or Personality Disorder?

I've never really been told/given a diagnosis. The closest i came was when i asked Dr L as to what i should put on a form when i had to reapply for my driving licence after the 'accident' - She told me to say "recurrent depressive disorder" but that was 3 years ago. I know things have changed as i've matured.

I no longer get attached & latch on to the most inappropriate relationships such as tutors, receptionists & nurses etc. I may struggle mentally but i think before i act and don't do silly things like hand deliver letters to their houses....... (i was about 15 at that time!). I no longer OD or harm just because i'm distressed and then go and get someone to patch me up, unless i've totally lost control or i don't have the specialist equipment needed to treat myself (or it may need surgery, as with the burn - which may finally be healed over by the end of january). I'm no longer the manipulative naive desperate teenager but i still feel very confused about myself & life.

I'm not sure having a diagnosis would solve things (i'm sure it wouldn't) and i'm not even sure it would help in the slightest but it does feel like yet another thing playing on my mind. Perhaps i've been reading too many other mental health blogs, but i feel i'm becoming slightly obsessed that i will be labelled with BPD or some other no descript. Maybe i think that it would mean that the depression i feel so strongly would be overlooked. K always puts 'severe depression' in the diagnosis box on her computer (plus previously anorexia) and although personally i would pay more attention & trust wwhat she says, i know that a GP's opinion is not sufficient for some.

I find myself doing those (possibly pointless) online tests and quizzes for personality disorders. This mornings results are as follows for a personality disorder quiz:

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Disorder:	Moderate
Schizoid Disorder:	Moderate
Schizotypal Disorder:	Low
Antisocial Disorder:	Low
Borderline Disorder:	Moderate
Histrionic Disorder:	High
Narcissistic Disorder:	Moderate
Avoidant Disorder:	High
Dependent Disorder:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- -- Personality Disorders --

Do i pay any attention? or do i try a depression test instead?

I suppose what i want to know is, is it simply depression? depression that is worth trying to treat or where treatment is futile & ongoing for the rest on my life? Or is it a personality disorder where i was simply born screwed up & am destined to be forever?

The major, more important point thought - Would a diagnosis/label be of any help/use?

Nightly Thoughts

This one was more in my control - well at least a little bit of it!

To cut another long dream short - Dr L and M came round to my house for some kind of meeting, there were lots numbers, percentages all regarding weight loss and me being overweight. In general a very depressing meeting. Until they left, i went up to my room to watch them leave - and saw Dr L leaning up against the car over M and then she kissed her. I thought i had been mistaken in what i had seen, but the she kissed her again. They were between the car and the hedge on our driveway, so obviously thought they couldn't be seen.

When they spotted me at the window, it was clear they hadn't meant anyone too see, as the came rushing to the front door. Dr L started ringing the doorbell continuously, I didn't want to see them, plus now i had power over them - If they tried to hassle me, i had something over them, something that they clearly didn't want anyone else to know. So i unplugged the doorbell, and went back inside!!



That was the end of the happier part to the dream, the rest was hospital/school/friends all mixed into one thing where as usual, i didn't know what was going on because i wasn't really with it mentally. Then the dream drifted into more bizzare realms, like Harry Potter style dementors that kept flying around killing/evaporating people. I think i'll try and hang on to the powerful part of the dream, to remind me, as K says - no-one can push me around/force me into things i don't want to do.

Notes from the day

Todays points of interest, points to remember and other bits.....

• Arm now healed
• Nice Burns nurse called almost everyone to try and get me help, but sadly by the time she got through to K, i was already in hospital after the OD.
• I can easily survive on a liquid (diet coke) lunch due to the extra weight i am carrying and need to burn off & use up.
• Tescos is not the place to pick up bits you've run out of at this time of year. Remember to get it all and enough of it (whatever that maybe - more diet coke in my case!) when you do the main shop!!!
• Do buy things that you didn't go in for in the first place - as something is bound to go wrong!! (frozen crabs with no barcodes in my case)
• if you act all innocent and lost on your first time at the gym, the nice 'fitness motivator' will spend half hour focussed on you, doing a 1-2-1 session using boxing pads alternating with the treadmill. Helps also that its quiet during the day at the gym
• Never answer the mobile if there is no number when it rings. Luckily i missed the call from Dr L, however the voicemail message said she'll try again tomorrow. At least i know to watch out for that!

Trouble is hearing that message then sent me into a major flap. Why was she calling? I'd only seen her yesterday. Had she spoken to K and discovered all the things i had neglected to tell her? Had she decided she wanted to seen me before the end of January, owing to what she had found out? Major panic all round. Which leads me to my next point.....

• Don't go for a power walk/jog when its been snowing, even if it was only a light covering. You get wet feet and very cold hands.

Ok brain is giving out. Day 4 of 4 tomorrow, with the gym after the appoinment. Maybe i can do the lost/innocent look at this one too!

Oh and on the down side at the gym - i couldn't try out the power plate, as there was a warning about fresh wounds from surgery, and i really didn't want to risk extending the healing time of my stomach further.

2 down, 2 to go.

The worst 2 appointments are out the way, although K wasn't supposed to be one to worry about, but sadly turned out more stressful afterwards.




Dr L has changed - in appearance at least. I think i prefer the old look personally, as i'm not sure the red tights, loose grey mini skirt, heels, red jacket and redish highlights in the blonde hair, which is now a bob really work. Maybe she thought she looked to stern and serious as she was before, however i feel the old look felt more professional to me.



I answered politely and honestly, if a bit quitely with nods and shakes of the head instead of words at times. She was rather flabbergasted that she hadn't been told about the OD and psych assessment (given the high risk circumstances), or even heard anything about it. So of course i kept the honesty thing going and duely dropped the crisis team member well and truely in it, naming them quite freely, and i have no guilty feelings about that at all. Although i didn't want to end up on S ward (even if Dr L says it has changed a lot), i was quite expecting them to at least try and admit me that evening rather than a quick 5 minute chat. Oh well, i'll leave that one to her now.


I asked mum to leave at one point when the tears started to roll, and the openly told her how i felt about being alive. It still is the same as my post secret card that i sent off.




I couldn't be open infront of mum about a typical days eat when asked, so skirted around that question with an answer along the lines of "It varies each day". Well thats truthful! when i'm around mum i eat more (WW bagel for breakfast today), when i'm on my own i eat nothing - at all!

Medication was mentioned, but i couldn't recall the reasons for stopping the Lofepramine which seemed to help my mood the most. I knew i had blogged it here, however looking back it's not as clearly written as i thought. It seems it was due to lethargy (although Dr L seemed almost suprised that the lofepramine had caused that) and then the clomipramine simple made the side effect or tiredness worse. Maybe i should check my paper diary too.

The outcome? Dr L wants to go away and talk to a few people (K - who she's seeing this afternoon for something else/different, probably drug/alcohol services related. I hope she doesn't let on that i told Dr L i didn't have another appointment booked with her.....given that it was K her self who made the appointment that i cancelled!! She also want to speak to M and the team's part-time psychotherapist) and she made another appointment with herself for the 29th January, which i really don't want to go do. I'm praying mum will forget, although she was in the room at the time, and the appointment was made around when would be better for her, regarding time off work. I have the bit of paper stashed in my bag, so fingers crossed she'll forget about it until its too late. Somehow i think thats unlikely though. Dr L didn't suggest the appointment could be held elsewhere, either at my home (no way!) or at the doctors surgery, although she said she'd have to check but as i used to see a CPN there when i had no transport i'm sure the practice manager would be ok about that. That option does feel better as it is certainly a place i feel a lot safer, but the idea seemed to get lost as the conversation when on, and then became disrupted by the gardener blowing the leaves around with a noisy machine.

I just want it all to go away. I don't want to see anyone, i wish i could move out of home but financially i don't think that is in anyway possible - unless anyone knows of any free lodgings in my area. Although i don't want to see K, the fear of moving out of the area of the surgery feels very unsettling and a little too scary.

I'm never going to leave here or this place mentally or physically am i?