Sinking further still

This isn't right. Medication is supposed to make you feel better. I've been good, despite being so anti meds i've not missed a dose. Yet 10 days in, today, i left the house at half 9 because i was yelling and screaming at a machine i couldn't get back in a box and then proceeded to get the bus into town and wander round like a zombie for 3 hours, freezing my - well i was going to say backside off, but i don't exactly have one right now. I spent the last hour sitting in 2 different cafes just staring into space. I wasn't even thinking anything. I was just there with my hands wrapped around a cup of tea for warmth. Which of course was completely wasted as soon as i stepped outside and by the time the bus came i was shuddering rather than simply shivering.

It occured to me that other than being put in hospital and having someone else take on the responsibility of the food i eat, that there may be another reason i feel no inspiration or motivation to gain weight. Could it be, as much as it pains me to say it, that i know one of the other highly likely possibilities is that i don't survive this. Somehow this slow decline doesn't seem as much my fault or as selfish as a major fatal event such as an overdose or car crash. I know thats not true in the slightest. But it makes me wonder whether the reason i can't convince myself to eat is because physically i'm feeling worse and i'm still hoping for that way out. I'm hoping that it isn't me thinking this really and that it's just that horrible stage of starting new meds where you are more suicidal than before you started them.

I woke up more this afternoon, but then thats almost a bad thing because i then eat something and get more stressed. After missing breakfast again, and thinking of the calories burnt whilst i froze in town, not only was it cold but i was walking round carrying bags of shopping, i know that i still possibly burnt more than i consumed. So on the spur of the moment tonight my hand found its way into the chocolate tin (after we got home from doing the food shop - more walking, in fact double that as i had to keep going back for things we'd missed that were on the list!). We have a biscuit tin of Cadbury's mini bars in the cupboard, just in case D goes hypo, and being the mini bars they are only about 80 calories each. Yet still after one of the dairy milk caramels (the mini ones only have two soft, gooey, sticky, runny caramel filled chunks), which of course i didn't in the slightest enjoy (oh i'm such a lying cow!!), i feel so pissed off and almost disappointed in myself. ED is now planning my punishment for tomorrow.

Right now, I need to cry. After a morning of numbness (mentally and physically) and an afternoon of warming up and thawing out (again both mentally and physically) I've finally reached a stage where i can let some of this emotion out. i have felt the tears welling up all evening, but i still haven't told mum where things are really at, so just couldn't let go properly. Now that i'm alone for the next 8 hours, i can cry and then the red puffiness can fade over night.

xx