Brave but Foolish?

I think this post may answer the question in your latest comment Lola. Sorry it's taken me a while to reply to it in any way but Saturday truned out to be very busy (thank goodness). And in someways i did actually do something nice for myself - when we were shopping i actually bought myself something i hadn't got on my shopping list. Now for me spending money is kind of a big deal, and it took me a while to decide that £7 wasn't a great deal of money, even if it may have been rather a lot for the size of the book. I don't know why i don't like spending money - well, its not that i don't like spending money, i always seem to have to justify the value though.

Maybe i'm just tight! If it's reduced or on sale because there's a slight dent for example on a box of something like cuppa soup then i'll buy them instead of a perfect new box. I mean afterall as long as the contents are all there and in tact what's the difference. Anyhow, this is really going miles from the original subject i was going to post about.

Oh the book i bought myself by the way (before i steer this post back on track) was The Sprout Book.

So, i knew it was coming. I'd had a week to prepare. A whole week to decide how i was going to handle things. Mum and D had invited their friends over for dinner for the friday night and despite having a week to work out what i was going to do, by 5pm friday evening i still hadn't made a firm decision. I was pretty certain that i wasn't going to eat with them. The thought of eating while they sit there going slowly through a 3 course meal, i knew my dinner was not going to take that long to eat. I'd thought about going out to eat, but with a choice of 3 pubs with awful food (and that is not ED talking there, mum would agree), indian (which would have been heaving on a friday night, it's new and popular) or a chinese - and given that i don't do very spicy food...... Oh who was i kidding? We all knew i was never going to eat out or get a takeaway in for that matter either!

So the next question was, where do i eat my meal? Upstairs in my room (which, shock horror, mum actually seemed to be giving me permission to do!) or downstair with them. At least by 6pm i had managed to decide what i was going to eat and started cooking. I had planned on upstairs but the things changed. Circumstances changed with an announcement that was made rather early on in the evening, and i then felt it would be even ruder than previously if i had disappeared upstairs.

"Please excuse me. I'm going to bugger off now, having barely said hello and welcomed you. I'm off upstairs to sit in bed and eat my dinner."

The couple we were hosting to, P and E, announced they were expecting a baby. Not only that but they'd been going through IVF to succeed. I couldn't turn round and say "how lovely!......Bye!" now could i? so i decided to stay and eat while they had their starters (nachos topped with loads of oozing gooey melting full fat cheddar served with mild salsa, guacamole (i didn't pick up the low fat version for mum, i'm not imposing my choices on her) and then a sourcream and chive dip dolloped on top.) All the while thinking one wouldn't hurt, yet ED telling me i've got my dinner. i made my choice.

I convinced mum to let me clear up in the kitchen during their main course (chilli concarne and rice and salad) but of course that meant coping with left overs. Melted cheese stuck to the side of the plate, dips smeared around the edge of the plate, extra rice and chili in the sauce pans, and then leftover chili and rice once they'd finished. Well by the time i'd 'cleared up' they wasn't much to put in the food waste bin. Mistake number one. Or should that be number 2? i think the first mistake was chosing to eat downstairs! So then to pudding - Fruit platter and a cheese board.

The fruit was no issue as i would have had some sort of fruit anyway. But whilst thinking of those stupid leftovers and what i'd already consumed, i made mistake number 3 and cut myself a slice of Cambazola blue brie, not only that i then cut a slice of the shropshire blue, which hadn't even been opened! But hey maybe the celery sticks i had with it will have taken so much effort to digest that the full fat blue cheese won't matter? Well the first lot might not but on 'clearing up' and tidying up i made the last mistake of the night. The cheese needed to be wrapped in cling film, which it seems i can't manage with out 'trimming them into neat sizes/shapes' first. So that was another mouthful of each - cheddar, the 2 blues and a wensleydale & fruit.

I knew i was worked up. I knew it was far later than i'd normally be eating, yet for some reason i still decided to go for a hot drink to take up to be with me. I think it was more for comfort than anything else. I lay there and decided to write in my paper diary. Holding a pen felting more comforting than typing with both hands. I'll type up that entry when i get chance, not know though as i think mum and D are about to come downstairs for breakfast. But i think i gives more insight into other stresses and emotions brought up by the evening.

So yesterday, saturday, i made a silly move, in that despite knowing i'd eaten and drunk about 2 hours later than normal, i still got on the scales and seeing an increase, panic and the mental punishment started.

But a busy day walking round shops carrying a heavy bag of library books, seemed to cure the mental anxiety. There's nothing like a good walk in the freezing cold to sort the mind out.

The silly thing is i could have used this to gain weight, to kick start the battle properly, especially given some of the things that were said on friday night between mum and i (detailed in the paper diary). But i obviously don't want it that much, because its back to the old routine, old habits.

"Old habits die hard"

Makes me wonder how these habits are going to die. If and when they do.