11 other people

Thats how many other people there are in the house right now. I need to escape. I can't go running for a few reasons.

1. I don't have any trainers with me
2. Its so hot and humid i'm sweating already!
3. I had my nails done today - toenails too and i'm going to feel so guilty if i damage them before the wedding, especially as someone else paid for it!

I feel fat and horrible. Each day i tell myself that today is the day to slip under the radar and not each. I managed slightly this evening by having just salad, containing a boiled egg but fell down with the bread and butter probably equivilent to about 3 slices. Managed to regain control over dessert by just having the strawberries and not the cream or sponge cake.

Started the day with a bowl of cereal and fruit, then sushi & edamame beans and a beetroot juice for lunch, but lots of snacking on cheese curds and also some fruit.

Over all not bad today, but previous days have included chocolate cake and apple pie for dessert.

I think another reason i'm falling apart is the lack of email contact from M today. Maybe she wants to try not to email back too much, to get me to manage on my own. Right now i could harm myself to a severe degree to cope with whats going on. I have no-one i can talk to, there is a mental health crisis line in this town, but no charity drop in.

For the second night i think i need to go and cry, but whilst doing a few sit ups. Hopefully a bonus to 11 other people is that i will not be missed!

All i need to do now is make sure i delete this webpage from the history of this laptop. I didn't do it on the other laptop but i don't think the mother is savy enough to know where to look, however i think the daughter probably is. Deleting the whole internet history is too obvious that i'm hiding something though.

I want to go home....... only 10 days to go.