worst nightmare, almost

Mum turned her car upside down & wrote it off. Goodness knows how - she's the most cautious driver - she drives me mad as a passenger!

She's fine. But it stirred up so much shit, both past and present.

Have finally stopped crying after walking round the village in the dark sobbing and then coming home and spending half hour on the phone to the samaritans because the sad realisation is that i have no-one else to call. I tried M but the mobile was off (fair enough she works hard & all day light hours!) Doctors surgery closes at 6.30pm so an hour and a half to late there.

I flicked through my mobile phone contacts, but there really was no-one i could turn to. What i really wanted was some to just hold me while i sobbed, contemplated going to a neighbour but him and his wife where eating dinner when i walked past.

Samaritans i knew i could rely on. This was not the time to deal & get rid of unwanted emotions by self harm. Mum's fine other than a scratch on her hand (she says) - so i should be happy, not distraught.

I haven't eat dinner after a 500-600 calorie (approx) killer class at the gym where i worked my butt off and enjoyed - feeling guilty for enjoying it now when i know mum was upside down in a car at the time. Had a banana but can't eat anything else. 9pm already so doubt i will have a dinner as such.

Its been 2 hours since i found out. I'm still home alone and they still haven't called to say that the car has been retrieved and that they can leave the scene and come home.

And as if by magic.... they called 20-30 mins and they'll be home.

Glad i'm seeing M tomorrow i think i might be shedding a few more thousand tears.