So the phone call came today, 6 months after i sent back their medical forms. I thought i'd escaped it, i thought it had been so long that it wasn't going to happen.
But no. In 2 weeks time i have the appointment i dread & fear, even more than seeing Dr L & TP who i refuse to see after last weeks appointment, was going to blog about it but i just can't even talk about it or think about it. Even trying to tell K 2 days later, i couldn't make words into a sentence to tell her what happen, although i had been distracted by something else i had seen on her computer screen about me. And the way i fell apart crying after i saw K means as much as i trust her and respect her, i can no longer see her either. Or in fact go down to the surgery at all, so that means no J, no susie - none of them ever again.
So anyway after i tried to hold it together for a bit and finished carving my little pumpkin, sitting using a knife when i really wanted to do something else with that knife, was all a bit too much. I went upstairs layed on my bed & sobbed for about half an hour. I think in the next 2 weeks there is going to be a lot of that.
I'm shit scared. What do i say? If i'm looking for full time work, then i'm fit to work, although everytime i react to an appointment like this, or even the thought of one in this case, i severly doubt whether this is a good idea. whether any of it is a good idea. I know i can't go on like this. Appointments are too distressing, so carrying on as though i'm fine is the only other option that sees my alive, and we all know where the other option sees me. Plus the hurt the other option will do to my family.
Oh shit, crying again. Can't afford to show mum how bad things are, because then she's really just going to say that getting a job is a bad idea, and i hardly seem to have her support as it is.
Am i fit to work full time? I've applied for jobs that are 30 & 35 hours a week.
The last time i had a DWP medical i was 2 stone lighter than this, so now not only am i applying for jobs to try and get away from this shitty benefits system, but i'm a fat cow too.
I need to stop thinking about this. I know on the day i'll fall apart under the pressure, but does that show i'm not fit to work? does that show i can't cope? What are they going to say to me?
Whats worse as usual is i will be all on my own, in a town i don't really know, an hour from home & then i will be driving down the motorway sobbing as usual, except this time it will take far longer for me to reach the safety of home than it normally would when i'm in that state, because i'm never more than 20 minutes from home.
Homophobia kills
8 years ago
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4 people had something to say about this:
are you sure you are actually fit to attend a medical?
Have you thought of at least applying for a home visit?
If i'm not deamed fit to do this then i will never be able to do what i see as my only positive option.
They are NOT coming to my home. This is the only safe place i have. I have only ever allowed 1 medical professional (other than paramedics) into the house & that was K who then let the paramedics in that she had called. I can't lose the only place i feel reasonably safe when i'm stressed.
I have to get off benefits & get a job, i don't care how much pressure it puts on me, these medicals & seeing certain shrinks is far more stress than its worth.
Hope it all goes well and you don't let the stress get to you too much.
Just try and remain calm I suppose. xx:)
Thank you.
Calm in between now,yes. But is not remaining calm at the appointment such a bad thing?
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