plan of action

i have a plan. a future plan that would see me in education from next january until at least september 2015.

I don't like telling people of my plan, because;

1. i get very over emotional because its something i really want to do.
2. i don't want people to laugh in my face because they think i have no hope in hell of achieving my dream.
3. i don't want to tell people i'm doing it then fail and disappoint everyone - not that i think i'm going to fail, but as we all know anything could happen.
4. i don't want people to assume that i'm absolutely fine and hunky dory, rather than just being determined to ignore the way i feel and the thoughts in my head.
   

yes suicide does still pass through my mind, as does self harm and there are still buckets of tears shed everyday. but i'm not happy with life now, if i was training in something i was interested and had a job i enjoyed, surely things would be different?

It will be a long slog to qualify because to even get to uni there are 2 course i have to do before hand.

The trouble is i'm not just focusing on the courses i want to do but all the financial shit that goes with it. You could say its a good thing that i'm looking at the whole picture and thinking of everything but the trouble is i get myself very stressed and worked up because i think there's that part of me that panic, because i don't know about money things like that, so will i have any money? How can i be a full time student and survive?

Although if i couldn't afford to eat that wouldn't be such an issue - i'd rather spend my money on petrol to get me places. Anyway going to the CAB this morning, see if they can help me understand.

In the meantime i'm still job hunting, but yesterday there was nothing i had experience or qualifications for on any of the job website which was around 20-25 hours a week. There was a full time job - 4 x 12hr night shifts (thursday - sunday) but although i'd have complete days off, it is 39hrs a week, so thats full time. I'm rather start with part time to ease myself in which could then let me do the first course which is one day a week from january, but hopefully still work and earn.

just keep looking i guess. After i'm been for a run of course.