Christmas Eve

Oh it started well today. within 30 minutes i was crying due to the fact that more little presents had appeared under the tree, and having said we weren't going to do little presents and just do the main gift of money, minus the ones for my grandparents, there are 9 and also some little things that are in the tree from me.

The tears were a mixture of:

• I've only got stupid little things like seed matches, key covers, socks etc
• almost all of the other present are from mum which means there is very little for her under the tree.
• Huge feelings of guilt
• general random bursting into tears at the slightest little thing (my must annoying depression symptom, highly inconvenient & embarrassing at times)
• fear of the opening the presents, and looking like an ungrateful bitch as usual.

This then lead to a conversation with mum and her trying to reassure me that she didn't want presents from me, she just wanted me.

"I'll wrap myself up in a large bow then shall i?"

I highly doubt that I, myself will be enough, because as i said the other day, whatever i do I'm going to hurt her whatever i do.

I've accepted the fact, no matter how much i dislike it, that if i were to leave this earth prematurely of my own accord, that i would hurt my 4 people indefinitely. I was thinking about J and K, and what their reaction would be, last night. But i know that i need to get it into my head that to them i am just another patient.

Yesterday after a reasonable day of eating fruit, dutch crisp bakes & 8 roasted chestnuts (and if I'm being honest a few handfuls of fruit and fibre), i then decided to join mum & D with a dinner of a very (overly) cheesy (full fat cheddar) Cullen Skink (smoked fish, potatoes & leeks in a cheesy sauce). I didn't have much potato, maybe a couple of egg sized bits, but it was really yummy. Fruit for pudding, however then later 1 chocolate for a treat turned swiftly into 3...... and due to the feelings in my stomach later on, i may have added a little too much Baileys to my horlicks. Unlike adding it to a hot chocolate, where it gives it a nice kick, it just swamped the malt flavour.

The next question is what to have for breakfast & do i make an effort to try and get the the gym one final time before 3 days with the grandparents (who like to try and start feeding you up as though they are planning on serving you for next Christmas, or look like you haven't eaten for months, which these days with a BMI of about 22 I really do not.

Since this time last year I've gone up about 10 points on the BMI system...... Something to be proud of? Terrifying? Depressing? Or all of the above? Well maybe the last 2 of the 3.

Oh and by the way did Father Christmas come early for anyone else? There's a present that's appeared under the tree overnight and the label says its from 'Father Christmas'. You know its funny how his writing is identical to that of the Tooth Fairy! I guess they share the same secretary being very busy and all that!