I wish i knew what was going on in my head. I foolishly got on the scales this morning, not a huge increase but any increase still sends messages to my brain like red alert signals.
I cried when mum left for work - panic about being alone and how i was going to get through the day i think. But then something snapped inside again and i got myself a bowl of branflakes and maple and pecan cereal with milk, something i haven't done in years. Trouble was then i'd started the appetite off and wanted more and more. So i had a mandarin to try and combat the hunger without going into binge mode, yet when i went to make a drink i still couldn't resist a cereal bar.....grrrrr.
i wanted to try and make it a day of normal meals and snacks. i guess if i counted the cereal bar as a snack and just say i had it early? Hmmm, does that make me sound like i'm kidding myself? If i'm kidding myself does that mean i can have another snack when i'm out mid morning? STOP IT!!!
see this is what i'm battling in my head right now. But while i'm still so under weight can i afford to just let go a bit until i've gained the 2 stone i need to? will it sort itself out more once i've gained the weight?
i hope so because i'm not sure how else to deal with this. Perhaps staying with Nan is the right option. I'd be with someone 24/7 at least.
Homophobia kills
8 years ago
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2 people had something to say about this:
Wow, you are doing really really well! Don't torture yourself about eating something a little out of sync, the main thing is that you are eating. It's really early days so expecting to get straight into normal eating is putting loads of unnecessary pressure on yourself. I'm stunned by how much of a turnaround this is Susie Belle. You're quite amazing, how the hell did you pull that hat trick???
Lola x
i don't know what it is lola. to be honest when you described just going ahead and eating things again, like just going out with work collegues or have pizza like it was normal, i almost didn't believe you. i didn't see how you could do it just like that. i thought you were probably just sitting there typing all that when really you were sat at home fasting.
i beleive it now. i'm having to restain myself from eating rather than force myself to eat. but this really is causing me too much stress.
so come on Lola if i can change to the you can surely join me back on my waggon!
susie xx
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