I want them to go now. I feel bad for saying it but i feel so desperate now that i wish i had no family. I wish that guilt factor would go away - so i can go away.

Mum starting saying how she'd been thinking what it would be like if i wasn't around; my room used for another purpose, my car not parked outside the house, my bag not under the stairs, my laptop not in the lounge....... She didn't say those particular things. She didn't get that far, i was already crying and she was close to it.

I keep wishing i'd wake up and my life so far has all been one long dream, but i know thats not going to happen.

I know i'm hurting her simply by being depressed and the self harm, but in the long run is that any better than the ultimate hurt?

She wants me to be alive and safe but she ultimately want me to be content too. I feel right now that there is only one way i can feel at peace. This much i did tell K today. I think the only reason she hasn't had me sectioned me is because she believes in the strength of my love and attachment for my mother.

But in not being able to be at peace, the thoughts of harm, unbelievable damage, are so strong. The demon says that no-one would ever know, and that i could manage the wounds, that it would be our secret just like ED said it would.

The force is getting stronger each day and i'm really not sure how much longer i can battle it, i do feel this is going to result in an ultimate sectioning or hospitalisation. Maybe the crisis centre in London is worth a try, even if it is 5 days of relative safety.

Post 101 - Honesty Dilema

Mum told me she called K, today. After a chat K decided she wanted to see me before the weekend. Mum called her and her & D have been worried, but as i knew K didn't say a thing - although mum did reveal she had read part of my diary, which was laying on my bed, NOT open i might add! From what it seems she may have read some of the bit written in A & E a week ago.

So now i have this appointment with K tomorrow, do i:

1. be totally honest reveal the further harm, how desperate it feel, how i have to cause pain to feel emotion right now,
2. skirt around the truth, don't bring up the subject of harming and see what she has to say,
3. or pretend things are getting better, deny any more harming, lie through my teeth until i'm blue in the face and get the hell out there ASAP?

Plus i have to pray the post hasn't arrived by 11am because i've sent an anonomous balloon to say thank you for last friday and everything they did (and have done for the last 12 years), but i did say certain things that might reveal who the sender has been.

Untitled

I

Feel.....

• numb
• tired
• exhausted
• shattered
• low
• depressed
• desperate
• apathetic
• hopeless
• useless
• worn out
• worn down by the depressive demon
• frustrated

Want.....

• Comfort.
• relief from these feelings.
• to stop feeling all together.
• to be able to sleep and feel safe when i sleep, not afraid of my dreams and how i will wake.
• or maybe to sleep and not wake up.
• to be at peace but without causing the ultimate pain to my mother, D and Grandparents.
• to be at peace without letting down J and K, yet i feel they'd understand that i was then at peace.
• J to put her arms around me, hold me and let me cry.
• a rest/break from my mind.
• to stop comfort eating and have a normal eating pattern.

Hate.....

• feeling this way.
• not being able to identify what exactly it is i feel, if i am actually feeling anything at all.
• my body, weight and shape.
• having crap mental health inpatient services in my local area.
• putting mum and D though this.
• hiding from my grandparents how ill i am again, so nan doesn't worry.
• the fact that the 2 professionals i trust the most cannot give me the time and support i need. (even though J has asked me to pop in and see her after her surgery next monday again.)

Susie Belle isn't well.....

There may be a bit of a break in posts. I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. I'm booked in for a minor op next week. relationships are home are disasterous, no words at all after a huge argument tonight.

I'm a mess basically.

Post Secret

This particular secret (as with many other too) struck a nerve with me.

Trouble with me is - I don't know who i was before i became ill - she was just a child.

I think i'm off to do my own postcard now.....

Mama

"She Used to be my enemy and never letting me be free,

catching me in places that I know I shouldn't be,

Every other day I crossed the line

I didn't mean to be so bad,

I never thought you would become a friend I never had

Back then I didn't know why,

Why you were misunderstood,

So now I see through your eyes,

all that you did was love

Mama I love you,

Mama I care,

Mama I love you,

Mama my friend,

You're my friend

I didn't want to hear it then but I'm not ashamed to say it now,

Every little thing you said and did was right for me,

I had a lot of time to think about,

about the way I used to be,

Never had a sense of my responsibility."

J made me realise last night why it is that i can't find the comfort & security in mum's arms that i crave when i feel so fragile and low. She said she thought i was right in saying it is because i don't want to hurt mum and show her how fragile and, i suppose, ill (i hate using that word but after K's words last week and the deterioration since, i think i need to admit it) i am again.

All i was is to be held in someone's arms and so i can cry my eyes out, somewhere safe and warm. I certainly could have done with that at midnight last night when i was wondering around the village. But as J said, "we could do that. but what then?" and i suppose she's right. I think i'd never was to let go. Certainly not while i'm feeling like this. Perhaps thats why i'm thinking about S ward, because i know there's the most caring HCA there who knows the importance of a hug when its needed. But that really isn't a reason to go back there. I think my main reasons where to escape the black hole, but i need to remember the black hole will come with me and at least home here i have meds at my own disposal and if i need to harm to stop the demon in my head, i can.

J's right. S ward is not the place to be.

Scared by Scary Thoughts and Feelings

I'm scared. By myself. Myself, my thoughts and my feelings.

I'm scared by the destructive demon. Its getting stronger and is reminding me what i'm capable of. I'm relearning to deal with the consequences myself again.

What's even scarier? The fact that i'm even considering the awful mental health ward. The place i hate so much, have run away from so many times and been dragged back to just as much.

If these new meds don't make an improvement soon, i'm reaching the end of my teather. Destruction and harm are taking over and controling my mind, i've considered every option.

J spent 45 minutes with me tonight (i was last on her list), she reminded me of how far i've come and how when she came to the secure unit i was on for a meeting and to see me. She was shocked i remembered, however as i said to her, i was told much later when i was better, that both her and JP, my previous devoted GP, had been to the unit. She told me tonight how sad she felt, scared she felt for me and how horrible it was to see me there. She just made me want to cry and she did give me a hug briefly. She was a star (as always), she popped next door to ask K to do a repeat prescription (with an increase in dose) of the diazepam, and suceeded. K is kind of top dog, but J is so experienced i know K would listen and trust her judgement.

So i'm now up to 10mg of diazepam when i need it and i have enough until i see K again on monday. I want to cry and run away. in fact i think i might go out for a walk right now, because i need to cry yet again. Samaritans or the park? or the woods? I don't know but i need to get out. Even though its 10.30pm.

I've cried so much today, in fact, almost all day apart from tescos and during an indian head massage which i thought may help shift the tension and calm me. Although i'm not sure i can handle the oil in my hair.