Mama

"She Used to be my enemy and never letting me be free,

catching me in places that I know I shouldn't be,

Every other day I crossed the line

I didn't mean to be so bad,

I never thought you would become a friend I never had

Back then I didn't know why,

Why you were misunderstood,

So now I see through your eyes,

all that you did was love

Mama I love you,

Mama I care,

Mama I love you,

Mama my friend,

You're my friend

I didn't want to hear it then but I'm not ashamed to say it now,

Every little thing you said and did was right for me,

I had a lot of time to think about,

about the way I used to be,

Never had a sense of my responsibility."

J made me realise last night why it is that i can't find the comfort & security in mum's arms that i crave when i feel so fragile and low. She said she thought i was right in saying it is because i don't want to hurt mum and show her how fragile and, i suppose, ill (i hate using that word but after K's words last week and the deterioration since, i think i need to admit it) i am again.

All i was is to be held in someone's arms and so i can cry my eyes out, somewhere safe and warm. I certainly could have done with that at midnight last night when i was wondering around the village. But as J said, "we could do that. but what then?" and i suppose she's right. I think i'd never was to let go. Certainly not while i'm feeling like this. Perhaps thats why i'm thinking about S ward, because i know there's the most caring HCA there who knows the importance of a hug when its needed. But that really isn't a reason to go back there. I think my main reasons where to escape the black hole, but i need to remember the black hole will come with me and at least home here i have meds at my own disposal and if i need to harm to stop the demon in my head, i can.

J's right. S ward is not the place to be.