Skint

I can't afford to live anymore. Not on the benefits i get. It seems i will have to forget making sure i'm totally healthy and mentally strong enough before i work and just hope for the best. I just have to pray my mental health will hold out and not crash as with every other job or slight pressure its had applied onto it.

The first big problem is What Would I Do??!!

A sales assistant in a shop involves being in front of people for far too long. Being stuck in an office not being about to get up and leave wouldn't work right now. I don't think i'd last to the end of the day without bursting into tears.

Not only that though What do i have the qualifications for?

Answer to that is very little. GCSEs don't get you very far theses days. My work with the horses never involved any formal qualifications so i have nothing to show there, and getting references is not possible. The current course won't gain me much either.

I really don't know what to do.

There is another option.....

Give up. Stop trying.

Its not like i spend a great deal of money anyway, so i don't know why i'm struggling. Petrol, gifts for others & house keeping to mum. I think trying to pay off this debt to mum is probably the big thing. There's £650 left on the spreadsheet. But without dipping into my one and lony savings account which i might have to do anyway soon, i'm just going to keep having to chip away at it slowly. However in August the £100 a month will be starting and added on again.

All this bearing in mind that i receive £300 a month in total. Plus this month the car in due and MOT, it also sounds like it needs a new exhaust (i'm driving round embarrassingly like a 'girl' racer right now), plus there's the insurance (around £400 judging by last year). With £125 left in my bank account right now.

Its just another stress that feels like its about to drive me deeper into depression that i'm fighting to keep out of as it is. It's another vicious circle.

The fact i am struggling financially makes me wonder if i'm doing to much to justify claiming benefits. But what do i feel comfortable doing right now? Going to the gym. Thats is. Thats the only thing. And that was paid for with the remaining money in a savings account that i had transfered the majority out of. I paid a year in full so its not like thats where money is going each month. The increase in petrol prices is bascically what it is. In the last 2 weeks i've spent £75 on petrol. Now i have done 2 long (both about 90 miles each way) drives - one to help at a charity thing (& back) & the yesterday to Nan's (& back).

Other than that i drive to college or the gym. I don't buy new clothes very often at all (last shirt was bought was in the 1st week of April), the only other clothes mum has paid for and again thats not many (one pair of shorts this last week).

As for shoes - the last pair i bought was when we were at Nan's around Christmas time & they were in the sale!!

I have had one expense very recently - a new ipod nano, but i have waited until my 5 year old very heavy & very chunky classic ipod stopped working completely!

Right now I'm sat inside and other than putting my bedding on the line (again being caught out by monthlies meant it had to be done) i have stayed inside despite the very hot sunny weather, hiding and giving myself a head ache with all the things going round in my head.

I think i need to shower & de-sweat but doing the shopping as i promised mum i would (D's meeting me to pay for it at the end), i contemplated the 7 mile walk there but after 2 hard classes (LBT & Step) and in this heat, i think i might for get that, especially as my knees and hips were screaming in pain and have been since tuesday night. I think short runs over the weekend - if any at all.