Lost my grip

I didn't realise how much earlier means i have lost my grasp on things.

I want to do it again and again. I want to go out for a walk - now in the dark. I want to sit on the bench in the churchyard, in the cold & cry. I want to disappear into the night.

I can order things because i don't know how long they will take to get here & i can't afford to risk it arriving at the weekend & mum finding out.

I just know today wasn't enough though. But what will be enough? How far will things have to go before it is enough to stop my messed up brain? Will it stop before someone stops me?

Maybe i want to lose control? Let go of life for a bit. If only i could.....