Clouds already here, not even on the horizon anymore

I'm so tired. Tired of dragging/driving myself to the gym, in tears & then driving home again in tears. On Monday it was too hard to hold it it & as soon as N asked me what was wrong, i promptly burst into tears - poor bloke.

There are so many things going around in my head. Exams, memories of school & hospitals, exercise, food.......

I think i'm going to attempt the exam, but if i now work my backside off & actually pass, then people will simply turn round as say i had nothing to worry about. But if i fail.........

When the depression clouds move it, they bring the exhaustion, memories, vivid dreams, nightmares. On the upside the tiredness wins over the fights with the appetite. But the when you're even more tired than normal trying to do 3 hours at the gym becomes even harder.

I'd like to stop. Stop everything. No gym, no college, no going out. But i know i can't. I'm too scared. I'm too scared that if i stop the weight will pile on, which is why after 5 and a half hours at college tomorrow i'll shall, no doubt head to the gym and carry on the battle against my body.