3 weeks until the ultimate change

Yet again it's been a long time since I posted anything. However I now realise that certain things don't happen when you are busy all the time.   Leave for work at 7.15, work normal hours,  do overtime,  go to the gym and then come home eat and curl up on the sofa before repeating again the next day. Not only do blog posts not happen but neither does self harm - unless things get far too unbearable and the you make up some excuse and go in late. 

That happened for only the 2nd time in the whole 18 months I was there a couple of weeks ago.  I say 'was' because yesterday was my last day.  Quitting a job that you quite like and are good at (and is the longest job you've ever held down without breaking down! ) is one of the hardest things to do.   I have cried so much at work over the last two weeks.

But now that work is over I have a week in the middle of nowhere - literally- on a remote Scottish island and then two weeks to get myself fully organised snd try not to cry constantly over the fact that I'm moving out of home. As soon as I started to type that paragraph the tears started so I think that's an impossible task.

No matter how many people or how many times I am told that it will be good for me and I will be great at it etc etc it cannot take away the panic and fear that's in my mind.  Or that emotion that I can't explain to people that makes me cry so hard.

The trouble when i get back though during the final 2 weeks is that I will have that time despite the jobs that need doing and the people that need seeing, I will have that time to think and let my thoughts damage me. K wanted me to keep track of the harming no matter how big or small but when I am busy and tired I lose track. For two weeks I have the potential to harm and then have the time to tidy up, but if my future plans were to find out I could jeopardise it,  yet I don't think that's enough to stop me because if no one knows. ... It never happened.

Going down

http://whisper.sh/w/MjE1MjU5OTE=

Download Whisper at https://bitly.com/KymccP

A step too far

It seems I'm not willing to go to absolutely any length do shift the fat.

Side effects that include fat seepage (which stains and makes the bathroom hard to clean) are not pleasant or worth it. 

I'd be willing to pay for surgery right.   The money spent on supplements long term probably totals what lipo woulf cost after all.

New years resolutions

1 - drop a dress size (or 2!)
2 - stop picking at cereal and picking bits out of cereal boxes that aren't bought for me.
3 - be the fittest I can be and have more defined muscle prefrrably biceps and 6 pack
4 - stop eating cheese (this may not last long!)

There are more things I want to do but not such good ideas or sensible if I want to pass occy health and go to uni.

Sadly that's how I feel about myself right now.

Self control

I seem to have lost all sense of self control and will power and I don't understand why I can't stop myself from eating so much. It used to be so easy.

I bought a dress for a Xmas party today. It's a size bigger then last year. Loud think that would stop me but no I've stuffed my face again this evening with fruit, cereal bar, cereal,  frozen yogurt,  cheese salad for dinner.

The snacking needs to stop.

The full fat cheese needs to stop.

And I need to motivate myself in the gym more even if I have worked a 9 hour day.

I need to shift this extra fat by what ever means.

No excuses

Theere are no excuses for my abscence.

I just haven't felt like blogging.

There still been plenty going on. Maybe there's been too much going on. I don't do very well with time management; My room is a tip, I haven't completed the extra bits on the volunteer project i've been doing, I haven't started the college (yes i'm attempting to study again)assignment i got monday (its now Friday), I'm trying to get fundraising bits sorted for my run (paper forms & cards with online sponsor page, just a T-shirts & the emailing round/publicity to do) - oh & i'm still trying to lose all the weight i gained over Christmas. Probably about half a stone, but its not just over eating at christmas, its huge lack of exercise due to illness too. So that flat tummy i worked so hard to gain has gone. But i need to be thinking about running really as i am extremely behind with training. So for now it will be running 4 days a week, yoga/pilates etc 4 times a week, a couple of my beloved classes on a sunday (although one of them is one of those 4 yogaish ones) and fridays i may do a weights class but taking it gently.
Except for half term & tutorial weeks when i get the chance to do classes with instructors i really miss doing classes with.

That kind of brings me onto why i've returned. The nightmare last night was that mixture of painful upsetting because it was comfort that i know will never happen & very distressing because it was dragging up some of the worst of the past. I can't recal the order of events but it included all of these points:

• M, an instructor i miss doing classes with rescuing me when my car broke down & i was very distressed & taking me back to her place


• Where my psych called me and told me i was going to be sectioned (It was my first adult services psych who couldn't really speak english & grabbed my arm & pushed up my sleeve to see my scars - funnily enough i always hated him) when i asked why it was due the arm band marks that mum had seen on my tummy - which apparently made me a danger to myself (WTF goes on in my head while i'm asleep?!)


• I told M it would be fine as i hadn't been harming, so i'd go but they had no grounds to section me.


• Except they did. horrible psych was there with another of my current instructors R who was trying to get him to see the benefits of the classes while he just said it was me damaging myself. There was another bloke in the room i was in too & i can't recall what but he doesn't have a positive feel attached to him - quite the opposite.


• Somewhere along the lines i was talking to someone at a yard who was telling me she had met me before when i'd had a car accident with a horse box, but i was sure that i had only had one serious incident which didn't involve anyone else (which is true). I felt all confused in the dream but kind of confused when i woke up too. Its like the dream was becoming reality and i couldn't separate the 2.


• There was something else too about getting ready for a party & getting the theme wrong & then we were at this restaurant & someone dropped the game of battleships & mum & i were trying to find all the little pieces. All though there were no familiar faces other than mum, it still didn't feel like a happy dream. like there was something underlying which still makes me want to wake up & cry.

Which is pretty much what i did - well on the car on the way here, to college. Is it a bit risky blogging from college? That does seem to be a big theme with me right now - Apathy. I couldn't give a shit about anything. Its taken me a month to start stressing about the weight gain - stressing to the point of harming at least and even then i couldn't be bothered to do that damage i felt i wanted too.

Anyway in 7 minutes i need to be in class where we are giving indvidual presentation - just what i need!

I don't know what i'm thinking anymore.

Saw K today & left feeling worse than i did before i went in. I knew i should have left when time was getting tight, although i did still manage to make it to the gym on time for evening classes. Thank goodness i had combat after LBT, i had so much agression to let out, although i didn't manage to make it out of the studio before i started crying.

I also left K with a prescription for Carbamazepine, a low dose & only a 2 week supply. She asked me if i was likely to take the lot & right now i don't see the fucking point in anything, all my head is saying is "why not?"

I wouldn't show her my stomach which is probably the first time i've kept that back from her, but despite needing to stick myself back together with tape at least once a week at the moment, the damage there felt insignificant & i almost felt embarrassed to show her because it was so pathetic. Although i know if i hadn't taped the wounds back closed it would have been a different story & i also know that had i gone to see anyone about them to get treatment it would have been sutures. I;ve just gotten lazy & would rather it take a few more days to heal & stop bleeding completely than go through the effort of suturing right now. I just can't be bothered.

She asked me if i'd seen M & what her thoughts were & how she was. I questioned whether M had called her which i know she has done in the past when she has been concerned, but clearly M isn't that worried as K said she hadn't called. I said M was concerned that my weight was dropping. To which K said "Well you had got a bit chubby" i am now making sure that comment stays lodged in my head, afterall what else could be such great motivation to get me to move my arse at the gym & cut out any unnesseccary food? My BMI is now 20.5, so getting there but the chubby waist & stomach still need work. Why is it you lose weight from certain places first - for me its my chest/breasts and face, never the stomach, hips or thighs.

Starting college, getting this job on wednesday all seem pointless & like no hope. Mum & D go away friday for the weekend, in my head right now this would give me chance to do damage i want without being worried about being found out, i just worry i;m not in control enough not to go too far. I think this week is going to be a little risky, but nothing can go wrong before friday, otherwise mum won't get her weekend away.

I'm not seeing M until next tuesday - thats 7 days. I have 19 classes booked at the gym. Thats 19 hours to get rid of some of this weight, the stress of a meeting about benefits & also the job interview should shed some weight too hopefully.

Right now i want to cause damage, i need to cause damage. I want to give up, i;ve had enough.

But i still can't hurt mum or nan.