worst nightmare, almost

Mum turned her car upside down & wrote it off. Goodness knows how - she's the most cautious driver - she drives me mad as a passenger!

She's fine. But it stirred up so much shit, both past and present.

Have finally stopped crying after walking round the village in the dark sobbing and then coming home and spending half hour on the phone to the samaritans because the sad realisation is that i have no-one else to call. I tried M but the mobile was off (fair enough she works hard & all day light hours!) Doctors surgery closes at 6.30pm so an hour and a half to late there.

I flicked through my mobile phone contacts, but there really was no-one i could turn to. What i really wanted was some to just hold me while i sobbed, contemplated going to a neighbour but him and his wife where eating dinner when i walked past.

Samaritans i knew i could rely on. This was not the time to deal & get rid of unwanted emotions by self harm. Mum's fine other than a scratch on her hand (she says) - so i should be happy, not distraught.

I haven't eat dinner after a 500-600 calorie (approx) killer class at the gym where i worked my butt off and enjoyed - feeling guilty for enjoying it now when i know mum was upside down in a car at the time. Had a banana but can't eat anything else. 9pm already so doubt i will have a dinner as such.

Its been 2 hours since i found out. I'm still home alone and they still haven't called to say that the car has been retrieved and that they can leave the scene and come home.

And as if by magic.... they called 20-30 mins and they'll be home.

Glad i'm seeing M tomorrow i think i might be shedding a few more thousand tears.

Brain Swimming now Sinking

Bloods taken, results in a week.

Physio referal, wait and see.

Run though pain, just keep going. Must keep training.

Ice x3 daily, reduce inflamation which J confirmed.

Detail everything that passes my lips.

Detail all exercise.

Lose the extra weight - about 14lb/7kg.

Referal to London, hope it comes soon.

Appointment with TP & Dr L, dreading the looming nightmare situation.

Appointment with M tomorrow.

Hair appointment friday - DO NOT let mum pay!

Drop mum & D to airport early Saturday, go to D's work Saturday morning.

Survive 3 and a half days completely alone.

Get head around new staff at the surgery - a job that could have been mine if i hadn't got too close to the place. More new people who don't know or understand. Who's leaving to make room? Who am i going to have to get over leaving now?

Can i handle going to that place to see K anymore?

Keep up the volunteering.

Get a Job.

Keep the job.

Get some qualifications.

Earn some money.

Pay off debts.

Stay in control.

Stop crying.


GET A FUCKING GRIP!

Benefits Cuts

Its on the news constantly and it's really starting to worry me.

Heard them say on the BBC this morning that if people can work & then turn jobs down they will lose benefits.

This terrifies me. I really want to make sure the job i get is a longer term thing. I down want to be in a situation where the risk of me relapsing again.

I'd like to be able to train & get myself into the emergency services. Its what i've dreamed of since i was 17 and seeing Paramedics on stand by in london & them speeding past on blues.......*sigh*

I've been asking around the EMS bloggers and getting advice, but i still just don't know how to go about it. I just have this horrible feeling that if i ask for help, that people with either laugh or just give me a sad, pittying look because they don't think i will be able to cope mentally or even be considered or accepted onto a training course or a training position because of my mental health history.

I'm stronger than i've ever been & i need that something, that dream to help me stay strong and grow stronger. Neither i or anyone else will know unless i try, and get that chance to try.

Dietetics

I don't think i'll tell mum about the appointment in London unless i have too. I know she just won't understand. I especially know this after a comment she made today when she got in from work.

"what did you do stay at home & eat all day?"

(here we go, can't win. Don't eat and she's questioning me & now i'm eating too much)

"what do you mean?" i replied.

"Well its just there's an empty tuna tin AND a weight watchers tuna tin..."

(it's a good job you haven't seen how many extra light laughing cow cheese triangles i've eaten then)


I sometimes think Mum has no idea or concept about calories. In fact i know she doesn't. Her question as to whether the litres of diet coke i drank contained too many carbs, & whether it was causing the weight gain/lack of weight loss that i am so depressed by, told me that she doesn't have that much knowledge.

In actual fact i am only about 75% of the way to the calorie allowance i have agreed to keep up each day until i go back to london to hopefully get some help so i don't have to live the rest of my life fighting my appetite and restricting, just to even maintain my weight.

I did get some understanding from a fellow gym buddy. When i explained the kilo a week gain on 2000 calories i think her words were something along the lines of;

"wow, you're metabolism is really messed up!"

However she did before that say that i looked fine as i am now. But at least she recognises that although i look ok, that things are not right.

*Sigh* i think i'll keep my mouth shut from now on.

Confidentiality

This meeting is driving me insane. I had a good chat about it with M today. She offered to come to it - if i could get her an invite. But i'm still not sure i want to go myself. If i go i will spend the next 3 weeks stressing with no doubt more nightmares and on the day being the most horrendous person to live with, not want to be near anyone & then fall apart the next day because i will be trying my hardest to keep it together in front of mum & D.

If i don't go, however, i'm worried that things will be said & confidentiality will be broken without my permission. But if i make the decision that i am not going, now, then i won't have to stress for the next 3 weeks. If i don't go, i will find out my rights regarding confidentiality and then if mum & D come back knowing anything they shouldn't, i'll sue their arses off!

But even in the initial meeting back in january things were said that i didn't give them permission to divulge. I'd told Dr L during an appointment with her that Mum, D, Nan & Grandpa were the 4 reasons i was still alive & if they weren't around i really had no other reason. The depression has worn me down & if i hit a low patch & i was on my own then i don't think i'd see a rason to fight. I'm living my life for mum - which has often been said to me. Anyway Dr L came out with this before i could stop her back in january, and i can recall mentioning that i didn't want mum knowing when i was in my appointment with Dr L. So whether i'm there or not i think things will be said that i don't want said.

I think i need to find out my rights somehow, somewhere.




On the stressful/down side & in other news, M is refering me back to London to the ED unit. She she to refer me back to the unit generally so that i can see the dietician there. She thinks the guy there would be really good & might be able to help. My 2000 a day experiment has gained me nothing but 1.2kg in a week. Hippo-ness here i come! I want to just go back to restricting right this instant. But i can't just yet, i have to stick to 1800 to 2000 until i see the dietician, so i can show/prove that something is really wrong. I shouldn't gain on 2000 a day as it is, let alone with the amount of exercising & walking i do. M is baffled, hence the referal to the specialist again. I'm praying he will have an answer or suggestion but i'm dreading having to go to a place where there will be skinny women that will make me feel even more of a fat fraud.

Its hard enough leaving the house & finding clothes to wear that don't cling to me right now. I stood in the health food shop and cried today trying to decide on a snack to help me reach my 1800 target. It took me 10-15 mins in that shop to buy a simple Eat Natural bar. Its OK going to the gym because there are other people trying to fight the flab and it shows i'm trying my hardest to do something about it. No-one outsie the ED world really understands though. Afterall my BMI is 23.9 & still within the healthy range, so what am i so upset about? Only M truely knows what this is doing to me mentally. With the other issues too, i cried for about 75% of our hour & a half appointment today.

I am starting to think that unless i give in to the weight gain, i will have to live the rest of my life hungry.

Another reason i never want to see you again

No more secrets

from post secret

Dear Dr L, TP & CMHT admin staff... (explicit language)

Why can't they just leave me alone? I was doing fine again until the letter arrived about the dreaded meeting. And then when mum phoned to tell them about their screw up, they sent me another one - Don't send me another, just FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!

I know about the meeting so i don't need another letter, with a cover note, apologising for "any distress caused" You want to know about distress caused? I'll tell you. When i saw what it was i was fuming, the letter (and cover note) is now back in the envelope in little pieces. After taking my initial anger out on the pieces of paper, i sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I felt like i wanted to cry forever, like i couldn't cry enough to get the feelings out. Previously harming is a way to stop the tears - but you are not worth causing damage to myself over. I will not bare scars that are connected to you any more. Scars are only worthy of feelings & emotions about issues that have nothing o do with any of you.

So i went upstairs and lay on my bed with my tears soaking my pillow, it wouldn't surprise me if the pillow is still damp now. I cried all the way to the supermarket & then all the way back home again as i had forgotten the shopping bags where i was in such a mess.

I will not be coming to your meeting, i am going to find out my rights over what you can say without my presence & if i find out my mother knows any details i have shared with you, then i shall be making a formal complaint.

Every week i saw TP my mood plummeted & the harm i caused due to the feelings i felt - i do not need that. The mere thought of seeing any of you drags my mood down instantly & i can't hide that from mum. I do not need you weakening my defences.

I never wish to see any of you ever again.

P.S Dr L, you really need to sort out that midlife crisis, faded red/orange dyed hair. You used to look respectable, now you and your red tights, short skirts and disastrous hair cut and colour look like mutton dressed as lamb. Its actually laughable but in a sad pathetic way not a funny one.