Mama

"She Used to be my enemy and never letting me be free,

catching me in places that I know I shouldn't be,

Every other day I crossed the line

I didn't mean to be so bad,

I never thought you would become a friend I never had

Back then I didn't know why,

Why you were misunderstood,

So now I see through your eyes,

all that you did was love

Mama I love you,

Mama I care,

Mama I love you,

Mama my friend,

You're my friend

I didn't want to hear it then but I'm not ashamed to say it now,

Every little thing you said and did was right for me,

I had a lot of time to think about,

about the way I used to be,

Never had a sense of my responsibility."

J made me realise last night why it is that i can't find the comfort & security in mum's arms that i crave when i feel so fragile and low. She said she thought i was right in saying it is because i don't want to hurt mum and show her how fragile and, i suppose, ill (i hate using that word but after K's words last week and the deterioration since, i think i need to admit it) i am again.

All i was is to be held in someone's arms and so i can cry my eyes out, somewhere safe and warm. I certainly could have done with that at midnight last night when i was wondering around the village. But as J said, "we could do that. but what then?" and i suppose she's right. I think i'd never was to let go. Certainly not while i'm feeling like this. Perhaps thats why i'm thinking about S ward, because i know there's the most caring HCA there who knows the importance of a hug when its needed. But that really isn't a reason to go back there. I think my main reasons where to escape the black hole, but i need to remember the black hole will come with me and at least home here i have meds at my own disposal and if i need to harm to stop the demon in my head, i can.

J's right. S ward is not the place to be.

Scared by Scary Thoughts and Feelings

I'm scared. By myself. Myself, my thoughts and my feelings.

I'm scared by the destructive demon. Its getting stronger and is reminding me what i'm capable of. I'm relearning to deal with the consequences myself again.

What's even scarier? The fact that i'm even considering the awful mental health ward. The place i hate so much, have run away from so many times and been dragged back to just as much.

If these new meds don't make an improvement soon, i'm reaching the end of my teather. Destruction and harm are taking over and controling my mind, i've considered every option.

J spent 45 minutes with me tonight (i was last on her list), she reminded me of how far i've come and how when she came to the secure unit i was on for a meeting and to see me. She was shocked i remembered, however as i said to her, i was told much later when i was better, that both her and JP, my previous devoted GP, had been to the unit. She told me tonight how sad she felt, scared she felt for me and how horrible it was to see me there. She just made me want to cry and she did give me a hug briefly. She was a star (as always), she popped next door to ask K to do a repeat prescription (with an increase in dose) of the diazepam, and suceeded. K is kind of top dog, but J is so experienced i know K would listen and trust her judgement.

So i'm now up to 10mg of diazepam when i need it and i have enough until i see K again on monday. I want to cry and run away. in fact i think i might go out for a walk right now, because i need to cry yet again. Samaritans or the park? or the woods? I don't know but i need to get out. Even though its 10.30pm.

I've cried so much today, in fact, almost all day apart from tescos and during an indian head massage which i thought may help shift the tension and calm me. Although i'm not sure i can handle the oil in my hair.

Quote of the Week

From mum (unsurprisingly because i barely speak to anyone else), about my recent plummet into a major depression:

"Can't you just rationalise yourself out of it?"

Scared and Surprised

I need to write something. I'm scared that if i don't my brain will stop. Its like i can feel my emotions dying slowly and i'm going into automatic pilot. I sit and look around at my surroundings trying to find something to cause a reaction inside me.

I want to cry but i can't. The tears aren't there. I can't find the sadness anymore, now that its gone there seems to be nothing.

I tried to sleep this afternoon. I was tired but obviously not physically because i couldn't sleep, so it was clearly just the emotional drain after yesterday. So drained though that it's gone from overload to empty. I'm staring at the keyboard, looking at my fingers, praying that they will tyoe something that will explain this breakdown. The screen is fading in and out of focus as i stare through it.

I was glad of the diazepam when i went out with mum this morning. I was surprised to find even being out with her didn't make me feel safe enough. Nothing does right now. I want to be back in K's room. See what is it about that, that makes my eyes tingle? As soon as i typed that i could feel a longing and sadness. I have a longing and yearning for comfort, care and cuddles. I hung around mum tonight whilst cooking dinner like a lost puppy, but the hugs never happened.

I'm amazed and am slowly realising how low i've sunk and how much the black hole has swallowed me already. At least this time i have caught it before someone else has stepped in and caught me instead.

Crash

The breakdown came. The tears flowed morning, noon and thereafter. A phonecall, a trip to the minor injuries unit & an emergency GP appointment.

There was so much comfort i wanted yet so little i got. From K, the nurse who patched me up, No. From my boss briefly, but from his dog plenty! I think if i'd asked the newer receptionists (who don't know my detailed and unsettled history with the doctors surgery and my teenage attachments with staff there) i may have got a hug but i purposely didn't accept their offers to sit behind reception to hide my distress from others because i really wanted to try and leave that troubled teenage longing behind. It was too hard though and just caused more tears and sobs. G seemed to understand this when i explained it to her, and it was nice to know that there's someone there who understands and knows my fears and panic.

Seeing K felt so safe in her room. I knew the destruction wasn't going to happen there, and i knew i could cry as much as my eyes would let me (which seems to be infinite). She gave me 2 different PRN meds for anxiety and panic, one for psychological and one for the physical symptoms. And the anti-depressant, which was the original reason for the telephone consultation, has been changed yet again to Sertraline (Zoloft or Lustral), hopefully no more sleeping but a lift in mood again.

I can handle mild depression, maybe even moderate but when it reaches severe and/or destructive, it's too much to manage alone.

K told me to call her in the week if things got out of control, i don't want to phone her because i know if the meds don't contain things the next step is one i don't want to take. I'm not going back to Serpent Ward, i know i don't really want to. Yet the place has been playing on my mind, day dreams almost like flashback about the place. Something inside me has been questioning whether a rest there would be an escape for a while but as i realised when i was saying all this to K, it's not going to let me escape from me mind and what goes through my head.

K tells me she's pleased with me, but everytime she tell me i struggle to accept it. She say i've come a long way and i understand what she means. As a teenager i would have overdosed or run away when feeling like this, but instead i ran to her - i ran to her for help. It just doesn't feel very different to those previous years, up here, in my head. The thoughts are the same, the destructive demon inside my mind still compels me to do the same things. The main difference is my age, my maturity - i've grown up. I think of others now. Mum, in particular. I was semi honest tonight after trying to put up the front. She still doesn't know how bad things got today, at least i hope she doesn't.

K always brings me back to reality. After sorting out short term meds and changing the other over, i mentioned her earlier suggestions of a stabiliser to go with the anti depressant. I wasn't meaning there and then, i simply wanted her to know i was thinking of it. Her words:

"perhaps this is not the time to think about that, when you are so acutely ill right now."

Acutely Ill. I'm verging on hospital. I'm even considering it myself! She's right. Things aren't good. I need to stop denying it. I'm just hoping today's crash was the bottom and that there's no further to fall.





P.S I don't think Eastenders helped a great deal but i felt i needed to watch it, as though i was being cowardly if i didn't. But that scene with Stacey Slater is very similar to how my first hospital admition came about. Police, chases round the village, ambulance journey to A & E and a sobbing mother & daughter. I was 14 at the time though and went willingly to escape, so sectioning wasn't necessary on that occassion.

The demon inside.

Its waking up. It didn't like the dark red round tablets, but the two colour capsules are no match for it.

It reminds me of what i've done and where i've been, what i could do again and how easy it would be.....will be.

It will never leave me. It is a part of me. Do i want it to go away forever? If it does, won't it be a part of me going too?

I wish i knew why the demon wanted to destroy me and leave me with permanent reminders. It's been pushed aside for the past 3 years, overtaken by ED, but now its back and i can feeling taking over the space that ED left within me.

I'm too tired to fight it right now and i'm not even sure i want to fight it. It helps me manage my feelings. The feelings that feel overwhelming again; that i can't let out, that i can't show anyone or tell anyone, because they think i'm doing well. They think I'll be normal one day. I can't disappoint them and tell them that that day will never come and that the demon is in me - I am the demon.

Family will be upset, disappointed yet still have false hopes. Medics will either push me towards more pills or give up, having tried repeatedly. Friends? If i had any, they'd get fed up, move on and rightly so.

I don't want the demon to go. It is part of me. I'm lost without it.

Wake Up and Get Moving!!!!

Thats it. I really have had enough this time. My weight and BMI have increased yet again and shows no signs of stopping, i've reached a BMI of 22.7 and am now more than a stone heavier than i was before anorexia took hold. Once again the weigh in caused tears.

I'm now napping morning and afternoon and sleeping almost 10 hours at night. M said i was just like her cat, sleeping 50% of the day!

I have a phone consultation booked with K because its impossible to get an appointment and i'm going to tell her that i want to (and am going to) stop taking the clomipramine. And that i'm going to take the risk with my mood.

Then maybe i will get my backside down to the gym and then hopefully that will make a difference, but if not i guess its time to look at my diet and see where i'm going wrong there.

Oh, there was one more thing. The joys of being female have struck - yes, my period started and after an absence of 3 and a half years. I never did cope well with it before, but this first one has been more of a mental struggle.

All of that and one of my old CPNs (who i got on well with and kind of miss) telling me i looked "good" when she passed me today has left me with more tears and upset that i've felt for a while, but then recently i guess by trying to stay awake i've not had time to stop and cry. My head is reeling right now and it feels like its almost time for the afternoon nap, as my head also hurts and my eyes are closing. I need to make it down the road to the post box first and do a bit of online shopping for a very poorly little girl (no, i don't mean me!).