"Mama, I love you...."

I daren't risk playing that song by the Spice Girls today - otherwise i'll never stop crying. I'm fighting the tears as much as i can already.

Mum and i had a 'heated dicussion' about tomorrow's meeting, last night. I said she was wasting her time, she said she needed to to it otherwise she hadn't tried everything which would mean she had failed. She still seems to think she can cure/change me. Through the tears i tried to explain that i was sorry for being such a failure, but maybe this was me - maybe it was depression that you couldn't cure and just had to manage. She started the guilt trip reminding me how she felt back through all the previous major crisis'/episodes eg. car crashes, when both david and i were in hospital at the same time and the carpet fitters were coming the next.

Ok, i'm surprised i got this far, but the tears are starting. there was just one last think i wanted to say and that was how mum pointed out that one day she won't be here, what then? "I'll be gone too" i said.

Mummy i'm so sorry. I'm sorry i love you too much, i'm sorry i can't be what you want, I'm sorry i depend on you.

I have to go. Going to try and cry (and limp) my way through a gym class. not sure i'll make it to the end - think i should grab a spot by the door today.