2 Weeks and no blogging? I'm exhausted. I've given up the fight. Both mentally and physically. My weight is fading and so is my strength to do on. I get the bus to town on market day once a week now because i wonder it i am going to stay standing, almost praying i won't so someone will stop me and stop this from going on - take away that responsibility of dealing with food and eating and managing my weight. But it never happens no matter how little i eat.
This morning i thought my weight would be up after a few extra bits yesterday plus licking the packets of mum's valentine's meal. Scallops and Chorizo in a sherry butter, Duck a l'orange and chocolate mousse cups which stuck to the packet when D tried to get them out. The scraps equal my "treats". Now i know i woke late and weighed in late this morning but even that didn't prepare me for the shock i gave myself. I was hoping for the maintaining the same at least, what i wasn't expecting was to drop below another milestone number.
I was thinking it wouldn't matter if i had gained a little anyway as today the plan is i climb a tree in order to cut the majority of it down. Climbing and sawing, in the cold. Its a calorie burning marathon than was going to save me from the weight i had gained yesteday. But that never happened and the tree cutting is still going ahead, but if i eat extra my stress levels rise and i get extremely angry.
The other issue this week with my anger and giving up on life, lead to my "forgetting" to pick up the prescription this week. The stupidly low dose has not touched me, i don't see the point. I'm not seeing K for another week, it was supposed to be discussed at the CPA that was cancelled to to the snow.
Mum said to me yesterday "How long are you going to walk around in front of me like a skeleton for?" Before i could stop myself i replied "I Dunno, until you chuck me out?" What a stupid thing to say. I don't think she would right now but i know she has every right and every reason. But we both know i'm only surviving because of her.
I need to rest a bit before the tree felling starts.
Homophobia kills
8 years ago
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2 people had something to say about this:
Maybe the reason you slept more is because your body needs the rest, especially since its calorically deficient. I hate sleeping, even at night. I would rather lay awake, fold laundary, etc... so I'll burn calories.
But that's not normal, sane, or healthy. As far as the weight loss instead of weight gain, it just goes to show how your body is hoarding the food and calories because it's so deprived.
Try to take care of yourself...and stay off the trees. :)
Thanks for commenting Missing. I don't sleep well at night for a variety of reasons, so sleeping in recently has become rather easy, although during the week i tend to just get up anyway.
sadly the tree felling didn't happen much to my frustration as i'm already built in some extra snacks so will no doubt spend today paying for that mistake.
take care
Susie
xx
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