Why won't it sink in?

I'm sat watching a programme about an 8 yr old annorexic. They are featuring some of the other kids at Rhodes Farm as well. A 16yr girl they showed being weighed...... 43.75 kilos..... she's still there and obviously still not at a weight where they are happy for her to leave.......


she weighs more than me. i'm 6 years older than her. i know i'm not that tall, but i doubt i'm much shorter than her, if at all.

Yet today i've hated myself, i've battled my appetite all day. I've eaten far more than i feel i should, so to stop myself from eating things i shouldn't and that are higher in calories i've eaten mandarins by the bucket load. 3 for breakfast, 2 at lunch, then 2 more, then 4 after dinner. i shouldn't have had the hot chocolate tho, hate myself even more now. even if it was "Skinny Cow" and 37 kcal. Especially as my weight was up again this morning....... never mind, physical work in the freezing cold should help sort that out tomorrow, even if i have to exhaust myself.