Will you promise me a maybe?

Will you promise me we can always talk?
Be open and honest with each other,
Laugh and joke?

Will you promise me that you'll always be there?
Even if I have to wait for you
Or search to find you?

Will you promise me that you will never hurt me?
Or at least warn me of the dangers that lie ahead,
With as much will that's within your power.

Will you promise me that if you see me again, you'll recognise me?
Remember our relationship as it was,
Then see it as something new.

Will you promise me something?

That one day,
Some day,
However long it takes,
That you'll hug me?
Embrace me?
Comfort me?

I know you can't give me those as promises for now,
But in the future,
Can that promise be a maybe?

Red flag relationship

I want her to be my Miss Honey to me as Matilda

Red Flag

A week ago the flag was white,
Yet now its postbox, phone box red,
Blood red.

And they're multiplying.

I don't mind the flags,
They provide a sort of comfort,
In their own confused way.

They provide a secret language.
Words I cannot utter.
Thoughts I hate to admit.

I wish I could change the colour.
In fact there are other colours.

The envious green
The purplexed purple
The gloomy grey.

Sadly the red warning is where its at.
I hope with time it will fade,
From red through dusty pink,
Back to the non needy white.

At least the flags are not only seen by my eyes.
You help me recognise.
Leaving the flags flying in the past.

Confidence

I told my lovely mentor that I had a little boost from a tutor in the revision session. I feel he may have over emphasised by saying I "smashed it".

She replied saying "i do agree with your tutor in that you probably will smash it! You are the best prepared out of all my students and thankfully more than ready for this exam."

I still can't deal with people being kind to me, especially those that my stupid brain has kind of fallen attached to.  When I suggested our next meeting her words were,

"this is your mentoring, you set the agenda"

There that part of me too that wishes someone would take the control away. I guess thats where K's theory of self sabotage comes in, maybe thats why I do it? But itz only because I don't feel I can manage things anymore.

Her last text?

"All the best for monday, although i have full confidence in your ability"

She replies to work stuff at weekends. She doesn't need to, but she does. She cares and right now I never want to let her go. She's like one of my uni mums. Yes, yet again I am that little girl who just was to feel loved and comforted.

She's not the first to say that, and I wish I shared their confidence.   But its not about my ability is it? Its about me managing my anxieties and keeping it all together.

Home for the weekend distracting myself with a bit of revision thrown in, but I know when sunday evening hits and then Monday morning comes..... well at least being one of the first I have less time to get worked up and can run away and hide soon after.

Although the plan is I meet someone so I'm not hyperventilating on my own. Don't know if she will be free at such short notice though.  I only got the exam details late tonight.

I want to pass, but I want to fall apart and let this all out my system and for people to see how I really feel inside at the same time.  Can I do both?

Forgetful

I think I may have just double dosed on my meds again..... I'm not sure.  I wasn't sure if I took the lunch time dose so took one just in case and I've just done the same with the night time dose.

Don't suppose it really matters as it doesn't have to much of an effect  short term.  I think there has been a difference since the dose increase in general long term, its been a  month now.

My brain just feels like mush right now. I don't know if its from too much revision and  too much stress, or taking the high dose of beta blockers to get through a study session today. (that turned me into a zombie after a week on them last time, with mum begging me to stop taking them because I was just so depressed and hadn't been like that for a few years).

I think the beta blockers did the job, well my heart rate barely got off the floor that's for sure.  Would have been interesting if someone had tried to take my pulse!  So I think I will use them for the real exams.  They may stop the physical symptoms but I'm not sure they can stop the emotions.   I am planning to meet with someone onmy support network afterwards on Monday,  so I can cry with someone and hopefully avoid too much destruction,  although that didn't stop me last time but then I think I was a lot lower and distressed already last time.

Comfort and Compassion

I'm so glad she's my GP.

After feeling like she didn't understand how much things had affected my before christmas, today I just felt that harsh and firm attitude had gone.  After telling her about the family arguments over christmas and how I was defending by all except the one who doesn't think before he speaks and doesn't care how he make others feel, as i sat with the tears rolling yet again, i'm sure there was a term of endearment used as she told be where the tissues were.  It's something i don't think i've ever heard from her before.

Its not just my family that i feel i have to make things up to, but there are a few professionals too and as she's been my GP for the past 8 years and saved my life literally by coming out to me or seeing me when i had jeopardised my life, not always meaning to at times, I feel i owe her a lot too.

She made me smile though the tears today though.

She said that it wasn't my fault that i came from "a wonky egg" and that it wasn't mum's either.

I do know that now, even if i do need reminding of it occasionally but as i responded to her, i find it hard feeling like i am still living a battle not a life. Do i really have to spend the rest of my life fighting rather than living?

She took my hand before I left.  It's a kind of a cross between a hand shake and that comforting holding of someone's hand.  It's the closest she'll ever (rightly) come to crossing that boundary.  But I know when she does take my hand that I've got it right somewhere and she's willing me to keep fighting.

An answer to her question

I was asked today if I want to stop doing the damage to myself that I've done in the last 10 days. I've lashed out so much. To go with the severe bruising to my arm which I ended up getting xrayed, there's now the 2 injuries that needed suturing which I did on the same day. The 2nd resulting in another trip to the minor injuries unit, where I was seen by the same nurse. Fortunately I was allowed to be patched up and leave which was all I was asking for.

I still can't open a door or lift anything heavy and the bruising is still quite apparent.  Its still keeping me awake at night too. I should have realised I'd lost control when I came home to see J and the shock on her face.  Sad really that I have to use the reaction of a nurse who has seen me at my worst, to gauge whether what I've done is worse than usual.  It shows me that I can't see what is really going on at the moment. I just feel like I've lost track of what I'm doing. Almost lost control.

Yet again I couldn't say that I want to stop. I told her how at the moment it is the fear of being without that coping mechanism.  I don't want to feel like this.  I don't want to feel like I'm clinging on. But I still can't say I want to stop.  It's like it's become part of my identity again and I don't know who I am without self harm.

I feel fine and safe and secure and almost reasonably relaxed while I'm shut in a room with the various people for meetings but when they are over and I'm back on my own life just feels overwhelming. How did it become like this again?  I saw one person a week for support and generally only my mentor for academic stuff when we were in lectures, yet the last few weeks I seem to be seeing one person per day. I never had any contact with out of hours support,  now I'm wishing I felt able to call every evening,  except that really is just taking advantage of help I feel. 

I'm not sure I have what it takes to do this career.  Too many flaws in my personality and character have resurfaced. I thought I'd moved on from them.  I thought I'd left behind the girl with attachment issues and the screwed up thinking.  It seems she's back. I find myself clingy and being conscious of what I say or do in case it shows. The temptation tonight to cause damage and harm to myself to express the distress in my head - to show people that it's really not ok. Those around me here who know the full details have seen it I think. But to get mum to realise?  Is that where I need to go? Will she not realise how much this has knocked me down unless I end up in hospital?

I don't want to go there and I thought the worst of the damage and harm was done but there's still that part of me that wants an easier route out of this.  That sensible part, that logical part that my mentor found so unbelievable is still clinging on. It's that part that despite being off my head on sedatives and alcohol and unaware what I was doing can still go to the library and get books out reasonably relevant to my course.  I don't remember any of it but the books and the receipt from 4.30am told me it happened.

I think what I want is for someone to take this all away from me. As much as these wonderful supportive people can be there for me, the decision is still mine. If I go too far and do something too dangerous and harmful,  there's that chance it will be taken out of my hands. The decision will be taken from me and I won't have to think anymore or have that weight on my shoulders.

But is that really what I want? Did I not come here to move on again in my life? I think my worry is that no matter how much I try I can't leave it behind,  which makes me question whether my career choice is right, despite none of these demons taking hold while I was at work.  Even when the patient came in who had self harmed,  yes it threw me for a bit but the next day was a new day and it didn't have a hold on me.  Where did my mental strength go to?  How have I ended up in this spiral and circle that has trapped me once again?

Do I want to stop harming?  I just can't say yes right now and once again I can't see my life without it.