Bringing it on Myself

According to M, i can't handle being in a "healthy place" and everytime something good happens i destroy it.

WTF??!!

So basically i'm choosing to be this way? I'm attention seeking? I want to carry on seeing professionals like her for the rest of my life?

Yes, i agree there are certain people i panic about being with out, or rather panic about not being able to see, but they are people who i have known for the last 13 years and who have seen me and supported me through a heck of a lot. K and J know me better than most of my family (not including close family), in fact i've seen more of them in my lifetime than i have some of my family - including my father. So excuse me for feeling insecure at the thought of moving out of the area and knowing i wouldn't be able to speak to people i trusted if i needed to. I mean for goodness sakes - if i got pregnant or developed cancer i would rather see them over any other doctor or nurse, purely due to the fact that i trust them and they have always been incredibly kind to me.

Am i bringing these downfalls on myself? Could i really banish the intrusive thoughts, stop harming, stop hating myself & my stomach, if i put my mind to it?

Why does M believe i can do anything i want to? She said she thinks i make things fail and destroy them, even before they do, just so i can avoid waiting for it to fail of its own accord.

So the fact that i want to harm on my stomach or lose the extra weight i've gained, has nothing to do with the fat (which the nurse yesterday, bless her, asked me if i suffered from bloating) thats there and needs to be lost. Its apparently because i can't handle being a healthy weight and i just want to ruin my life constantly.

Its times like that this, that make me feel angry and want to turn round and show them - no i don't want to ruin things or just not be sane or healthy - i do actually want to die a lot of the time, i hate things that much..... trouble now is stopping myself from doing something that may cause such damage.

CBC News - Montreal - Depressed woman loses benefits over Facebook photos

CBC News - Montreal - Depressed woman loses benefits over Facebook photos

Ok, so i'm paranoid enough already about the DWP & feel like i'm a fraud etc etc but stories like this..... well actually i'm not sure how it makes me feel. I look at the photo in the article and to me that doesn't show severe depression. I take the woman's point about being happy in the moment and the problems still being there before and after the moment, but even so i'm pretty sure (in fact certain) that there are no photos of me posing in a bikini - but then with the state my body is in, plus the open wounds on my body mean i will never ever wear a bikini again, and haven't done since age 12. In fact for me wearing a short sleeve t-shirt in public is a miracle these days!

Anyway, i'm off to check my facebook photos, just incase, however i think the most i will see is a photo of me on holiday on a beach when i went away with my parents (yes - it is no longer my mum and step-dad - i call them my parents. Its only taken me 13 years!) but even then i'm wearing long shorts & a long sleeve jumper (i may have gone as far as to push my sleeves up...) on a sunny day. But a holiday with your parents aged 23? Hmmm, maybe that doesn't exactly show someone, an adult, who can cope on their own.

Yep - no photos of me in social situations above the age of 15.... quite sad really, isn't it? Maybe i need to stop being so paranoid, although it kind of comes with the depression i guess.

Itchy Scratchy Itch

Why are adhesive dressings so damn itchy?!

Change it after 3 or 4 days the nurse at the out patients unit said - yeh right! she gave me 5 spare dressings for 2 different wounds, that i was only supposed to change once before i go back. But the dressing were so crap, that after a slight itch, i scratched right through the dressings! and in fact the one on my stomach seemed to wear through during the night, whether that was from me wriggling and moving in my sleep or whether i've been itching it in my sleep who knows. Mind you from remembering my dreams/nightmares when i wake up in the morning, i would be surprised if i move about a bit & toss and turn in my sleep.

Then again it might be the wound itself itching as it heals, although the worst once is still at least a month away from healing over at all, and i'm still not sure i've the hospital have said for certain that it won't need a skin graft. The anti biotics have cleared up the infection though, not that i particulary care right now.

In fact i've ordered some bits tonight which i really shouldn't have done, but i know the thoughts aren't going to go away unless i go through with them.

I think mum probably thinks things have improved as i seem much more talkative and sociable - if only she knews the plans and thoughts - because they haven't changed at all, and if anything, i'm probably calmer because i'm closer to carrying out those plans. I don't know.

Undecided

I don't know what to do. I sat and made a list of my choices and options running through my mind during my lunch break at college today. I was there in body but certainly not in mind for most of it.

The list ranged from doing things that would most likely get me sectioned and admitted to the hell hole that is, S ward. Or admitting myself there, because i simply don't know what else to do to stop myself from eventually being overwhelmed by my thoughts and then doing something that will get me admitted and more than likely sectioned because i know if i was asked to go voluntarily i am more than likely to react badly and end up going by force.

I know i'm almost contradicting myself there. On the one hand saying i'm thinking about admitting myself and on the other hand saying i almost want to be sectioned because i know my actions will probably lead to things being taken out of my control.

Other things on my list included running away somewhere and simply booking myself a room or sleeping in the car, although that was mainly so i could then cause damage or sedate myself and not be found out. I've thought about going to stay with my grandparents, but if i was staying with them i couldn't guarantee that the thoughts would go away and i wouldn't be able to do anything about them while i was staying there.

I don't think i can stay here much longer though. I'm just disappointing mum, more and more each day. And if i'm not disappointing, i'm hurting her instead.

Damage Control

I want to cause harm, i want to cause damage. Not pain necessarilly - just damage. I want to do the same damage i did in 2006, trouble is i almost killed myself and got myself sectioned in the process. Thinking about it now i actually feel kind of sick, but there is still that part of me that wants to order the stuff i need and go ahead with it.

Or i just dose myself up again and knock myself out to escape the blackness. But this time go away so mum doesn't have to pick up the pieces. It would mean no dilema as to whether to harm or not. No thinking, no contemplating. Just sleep.

No more overeating either. With events of the last week and the tongue ulcer after the seizures my weight has been nicely falling back down to where i'd like it, but the last couple of days the fat cow has been back and i just can't seem to stop the hunger demons. So by self sedation i could forget about that worry too.

Let me go

I'm trapped. Trapped in a life i should be grateful for, but that feels like punishment.

I want to stop hurting you, mum. But i fear there's only one way i can do this.

I wish you'd give me permission and let me go.

I don't want.......

I don't want to carry on. K said to me today "You can do it Jenny". I replied to her with what my heart and head have been saying for the last week;

"I don't want to."

I'm tired. Tired of fighting, tired of pointless appointments. I'm living my life for my mum and grandparents. If it wasn't for the fact that it would break their hearts and destroy them, i would call it a day right now.

Part of me thinks that K and J would understand and although they might be sad, they know i will never be at peace whilst i am alive.

I don't want to waste these hardworking peoples' time anymore. Its clear after 9 years that nothing can be done to change my mental state but if don't turn up when they ask me to i feel i'm being rude.

I don't want to hurt people, but by living i'm hurting and then when that gets too much i just hurt and disappoint people anyway. I can't win or get it right. The question i often ask myself - is causing one final, ultimate pain worse than continually disappointing everyone?