Quote of the Week

From mum (unsurprisingly because i barely speak to anyone else), about my recent plummet into a major depression:

"Can't you just rationalise yourself out of it?"

Scared and Surprised

I need to write something. I'm scared that if i don't my brain will stop. Its like i can feel my emotions dying slowly and i'm going into automatic pilot. I sit and look around at my surroundings trying to find something to cause a reaction inside me.

I want to cry but i can't. The tears aren't there. I can't find the sadness anymore, now that its gone there seems to be nothing.

I tried to sleep this afternoon. I was tired but obviously not physically because i couldn't sleep, so it was clearly just the emotional drain after yesterday. So drained though that it's gone from overload to empty. I'm staring at the keyboard, looking at my fingers, praying that they will tyoe something that will explain this breakdown. The screen is fading in and out of focus as i stare through it.

I was glad of the diazepam when i went out with mum this morning. I was surprised to find even being out with her didn't make me feel safe enough. Nothing does right now. I want to be back in K's room. See what is it about that, that makes my eyes tingle? As soon as i typed that i could feel a longing and sadness. I have a longing and yearning for comfort, care and cuddles. I hung around mum tonight whilst cooking dinner like a lost puppy, but the hugs never happened.

I'm amazed and am slowly realising how low i've sunk and how much the black hole has swallowed me already. At least this time i have caught it before someone else has stepped in and caught me instead.

Crash

The breakdown came. The tears flowed morning, noon and thereafter. A phonecall, a trip to the minor injuries unit & an emergency GP appointment.

There was so much comfort i wanted yet so little i got. From K, the nurse who patched me up, No. From my boss briefly, but from his dog plenty! I think if i'd asked the newer receptionists (who don't know my detailed and unsettled history with the doctors surgery and my teenage attachments with staff there) i may have got a hug but i purposely didn't accept their offers to sit behind reception to hide my distress from others because i really wanted to try and leave that troubled teenage longing behind. It was too hard though and just caused more tears and sobs. G seemed to understand this when i explained it to her, and it was nice to know that there's someone there who understands and knows my fears and panic.

Seeing K felt so safe in her room. I knew the destruction wasn't going to happen there, and i knew i could cry as much as my eyes would let me (which seems to be infinite). She gave me 2 different PRN meds for anxiety and panic, one for psychological and one for the physical symptoms. And the anti-depressant, which was the original reason for the telephone consultation, has been changed yet again to Sertraline (Zoloft or Lustral), hopefully no more sleeping but a lift in mood again.

I can handle mild depression, maybe even moderate but when it reaches severe and/or destructive, it's too much to manage alone.

K told me to call her in the week if things got out of control, i don't want to phone her because i know if the meds don't contain things the next step is one i don't want to take. I'm not going back to Serpent Ward, i know i don't really want to. Yet the place has been playing on my mind, day dreams almost like flashback about the place. Something inside me has been questioning whether a rest there would be an escape for a while but as i realised when i was saying all this to K, it's not going to let me escape from me mind and what goes through my head.

K tells me she's pleased with me, but everytime she tell me i struggle to accept it. She say i've come a long way and i understand what she means. As a teenager i would have overdosed or run away when feeling like this, but instead i ran to her - i ran to her for help. It just doesn't feel very different to those previous years, up here, in my head. The thoughts are the same, the destructive demon inside my mind still compels me to do the same things. The main difference is my age, my maturity - i've grown up. I think of others now. Mum, in particular. I was semi honest tonight after trying to put up the front. She still doesn't know how bad things got today, at least i hope she doesn't.

K always brings me back to reality. After sorting out short term meds and changing the other over, i mentioned her earlier suggestions of a stabiliser to go with the anti depressant. I wasn't meaning there and then, i simply wanted her to know i was thinking of it. Her words:

"perhaps this is not the time to think about that, when you are so acutely ill right now."

Acutely Ill. I'm verging on hospital. I'm even considering it myself! She's right. Things aren't good. I need to stop denying it. I'm just hoping today's crash was the bottom and that there's no further to fall.





P.S I don't think Eastenders helped a great deal but i felt i needed to watch it, as though i was being cowardly if i didn't. But that scene with Stacey Slater is very similar to how my first hospital admition came about. Police, chases round the village, ambulance journey to A & E and a sobbing mother & daughter. I was 14 at the time though and went willingly to escape, so sectioning wasn't necessary on that occassion.

The demon inside.

Its waking up. It didn't like the dark red round tablets, but the two colour capsules are no match for it.

It reminds me of what i've done and where i've been, what i could do again and how easy it would be.....will be.

It will never leave me. It is a part of me. Do i want it to go away forever? If it does, won't it be a part of me going too?

I wish i knew why the demon wanted to destroy me and leave me with permanent reminders. It's been pushed aside for the past 3 years, overtaken by ED, but now its back and i can feeling taking over the space that ED left within me.

I'm too tired to fight it right now and i'm not even sure i want to fight it. It helps me manage my feelings. The feelings that feel overwhelming again; that i can't let out, that i can't show anyone or tell anyone, because they think i'm doing well. They think I'll be normal one day. I can't disappoint them and tell them that that day will never come and that the demon is in me - I am the demon.

Family will be upset, disappointed yet still have false hopes. Medics will either push me towards more pills or give up, having tried repeatedly. Friends? If i had any, they'd get fed up, move on and rightly so.

I don't want the demon to go. It is part of me. I'm lost without it.

Wake Up and Get Moving!!!!

Thats it. I really have had enough this time. My weight and BMI have increased yet again and shows no signs of stopping, i've reached a BMI of 22.7 and am now more than a stone heavier than i was before anorexia took hold. Once again the weigh in caused tears.

I'm now napping morning and afternoon and sleeping almost 10 hours at night. M said i was just like her cat, sleeping 50% of the day!

I have a phone consultation booked with K because its impossible to get an appointment and i'm going to tell her that i want to (and am going to) stop taking the clomipramine. And that i'm going to take the risk with my mood.

Then maybe i will get my backside down to the gym and then hopefully that will make a difference, but if not i guess its time to look at my diet and see where i'm going wrong there.

Oh, there was one more thing. The joys of being female have struck - yes, my period started and after an absence of 3 and a half years. I never did cope well with it before, but this first one has been more of a mental struggle.

All of that and one of my old CPNs (who i got on well with and kind of miss) telling me i looked "good" when she passed me today has left me with more tears and upset that i've felt for a while, but then recently i guess by trying to stay awake i've not had time to stop and cry. My head is reeling right now and it feels like its almost time for the afternoon nap, as my head also hurts and my eyes are closing. I need to make it down the road to the post box first and do a bit of online shopping for a very poorly little girl (no, i don't mean me!).

Sleeping Beauty

I give up. Or rather i give in - give in to sleep. Today has been another sedated day in the world of Susie Belle. At least with the Lofepramine i had energy to do things in the morning, whereas now i just feel constantly fatigued.

I woke up at 7.30am, due to the smells of cooking wafting up the stairs and other such noises from mum & D getting ready for work. From then until about 10am i remained in one place on the sofa only moving twice. Once to get a bagel and a piece of fruit for breakfast and again to make a hot chocolate. It wouldn't suprise me if i dozed off during that time, i was fighting to keep my eyes open and goodness knows where the time went to. At 10am i decided that maybe a shower would freshen me and revive me slightly. But to no avail and i soon returned to my position on the sofa, however not for too long this time. At about quarter past eleven i decided to stop fighting and crawled up the stairs (literally, as i had so little energy) to bed, where i quickly fell asleep and remained so for the next 45 minutes. Even through the night, after turning my light off at 10.30pm, last night i only woke once when i heard Mum and D's alarms go off, and due to health reasons they were due to be up every 3 hours through the night last night. So its not even like i didn't sleep well.

Its now 3.30pm, i've just been for a walk around the block which took me 15 minutes rather than the normal 10. Now, yet again i'm contemplating another nap! Although i don't think it's totally necessary this time, its possibly wise as i have to collect D at 5pm, and i have driven yet today because i wasn't awake enoughIn fact this is worse than the previous meds and i'm supposed to be starting a course at 9am tomorrow! Eeeek! I've decided not to take the tablets tonight (i've been up at 3 tablets (75mg) for the last 2 nights) and pray that i'm bouncing with energy tomorrow. I cancelled the gym induction this morning because it really is pointless right now. Pointless but much needed as i'm just eating and sleeping right now, and so need to get off my backside and do some serious exercise.

I know not taking the meds isn't really the right thing to do but if i want to make it tomorrow i can't really see another option. It's made me see that i clearly to kind of want to do the course, its probably more to do with the fact that i don't want to let a multitude of people down but i'm not using this as an excuse to back out is what i'm trying to say. I know i should stick with it for a bit longer, afterall its only been 9 days, but i'm very tempted to get an appointment with K and tell her i've had enough.

And now my eyes are closing again. Time to play the role of Sleeping Beauty again....perhaps i'll be woken by a prince this time?

Dear Diary - July 2006 (contains strong language)

Written whilst on section 3 on the local psychiatric ward.

16th July 2006

"All people do in this place is eat. No wonder they're so overweight. They sit on their arses all day & put on the pounds. They're all fucking fat & crazy! You can't have a sensible conversation with anyone. If i go home i can go to the fruit farm, relax know that no-one is watching me. I'll eat dinner because otherwise mum will get angry. I can't eat their processed crap they serve here. They have no fresh fruit juice. The choice is calorie filled hot chocolate or soup if you want a hot drink or nasty squash.
By the end of today it will be 4 days fasting. I'm trying to decide whether to get a drink or not. I think i'll try and make it last throughout the day but i'm not sure if i can do it. So maybe to make life easier, I shouldn't bother at all.
Perhaps I'll just try cleaning my teeth & see if that gets rid of the urges.
Hopefully my monday they will see i need to be at home where i can cook my own food & know what i'm eating, not eat their processed crap that probably hides goodness knows what in it. why can't they see i'll be better off there? why don't they understand."





17th July 2006

"Its so frustrating when you can't share your delight with anyone - *st *lb with clothes on - so *st *lb which is *lb!! & to think i was struggling to reach *lb last week.
Yet i can't share it with anyone as they think its a bad thing.
S & A (CPNs) were right tho - i now have a new target *lb which makes it *kg.
But its the fact that people can see i'm not even skinny yet really, so why are they bothered about me eating?
Today is going to be a no cal, water only day - i can't jeopardise my new target.
Problem is i'm going to have to try and find someone who isn't going to tell. J (staff nurse) said she wouldn't last night but i'm not too sure. I'm thinking L (charge nurse) would be a good person to check it out with & when C (NA) gets back, i know she'll help me.
But i can't risk any temptations bought in by mum - not while i have no exercise available (apart from my yoga, I tried but got very interrupted!) & certainly not while i have no scales available freely to keep an eye on things! But its headed in the right direction & thats a start."