I'm not a real woman though

There was an article recently entitled "Real Women Have Belly Fat" which at first i found a comfort. But i have to say, it comforts me no longer. I have had enough of feeling folds and creases in my skin, it is not me. I have never had then and neither do i want them!

I must find some energy and get to a gym. I think i would actually be more likely to be motivated if i have actually paid out for something. I'm so tight with money that i can't stand to waste something if i've paid for it. With the cost of a gym membership these days, i certainly would get my moneys worth!

Trouble is, i think i have some work coming up mid november, i start a course, which is one day a week (with about 2 days homework), in 7 days time and right now despite changing the meds i still don't have the energy. But maybe if i got going it would give me the energy? Maybe i could motivate myself to take up jogging? I think it unlikely as for some reason i prefer running on a treadmill, to outdoors. I think it is because i can really put my head down and get into a rhythm in the gym.

I just don't know how to motivate myself when i feel to fatigued and sedated. Maybe tomorrow weigh in will kick me into action. I feel like i've gained another couple of kilos!

Day 2

If only the energetic happy feelings of yesterday could have lasted. Too much to ask for i guess.

Day 1 of clomipramine - woke up & everything seemed huge. It was like someone had extended my vision, so i took a peek in the mirror (i don't mind looking at my face occassionally, its below the neck thats the problem) and noticed my pupils were dilated. Not a huge problem - i just felt totally wired - at 7.30am!! But the background tiredness from the lofepramine had ensured a good nights sleep. I think it was mainly the fact that i could notice such a difference in how i felt when i woke up, that made me feel uplifted in my mood. So i danced away to my ipod whilst getting ready and changing my bed (a job long overdue), because i had the energy, however i may had done a little too much dancing because after 90 minutes of walking round shops trying on trousers (i have about 2 pairs that fit properly -make that 3 now) i was a little exhausted. Although i didn't sleep in the afternoon, i did feel like i needed a sit down.

Throughout the day i have had this other strange feeling in my body, but i was unable to put my finger on it. I'm suprised at the difference just over night and on a starting dose too.

Day 2 - This morning my eyes are still wide but my mood is not as good, mainly down to the fact that i felt like i was awake most of the night, and when your pupils are so open even at night, it seems to make you feel even more awake. At least in the eyes even if the rest of the body just wants to sleep. I can be such a miserable cow if i don't get enough shut eye!

I think i've identified the other feeling too, i think its to do with the very slight tremors i've been feeling/getting.

I kept it to the starting dose again last night. K said if i felt ok then i could put the dose up with in a few days. So she's left it down to me, which is nice to know she feel able to trust me and leave it to my judgement. Depending how today goes i might put it up tonight, and if 50mg is too much too quickly i can always bring it down again for a day or so. I seem to recall being told to do that when i was starting Venlafaxine, aged 15 ish, when i experienced severe tremors.

As side effects go, this is really nothing, it just feels a little strange. I just want to clarify that if the dilated pupils don't settle down that it won't have a long term effect on my eyes. Afterall the reaction of your pupils happens for a reason - to protect your eyes!

Now i have the energy, or at least more energy than i've had for a long time, i'm thinking about trying to tidy my bomb site, sorry i mean my bedroom. Mum had a nag at the weekend, and rightly too, but i just haven't had the energy or motivation to do it. Admitedly the motivation still lacks slightly but while i have some energy i was to use it. Shame its not quite as much energy as yesterday, but i do think some of that was simply me noticing the difference & getting excited by that.

I was hoping that this might be the much needed energy to get me exercising and perhaps shifting some of the extra weight, or at least toning up what i've gained. This morning though, i'm not so sure. I'd rather go back to sleep again now......

Trying a cousin

Farewell Lofepramine......

Hello Clomipramine.......


I hope you have the benefits of your cousin but not the side effects! I don't want to sleep every afternoon, take fibre suppliments or gain any more weight! Fingers crossed we get on together.

Why can't i stop?

Is it

• boredom?
• tiredness?
• thirst?
• stress?
• loneliness?
• screwed up body signals?
• depression?
• or true hunger?

why can't i stop eating?!

I get up and i feel hungry. I eat breakfast, kind of, with couple of extras & go to work. I wish away for the hours and look forwards to lunch time, but then lunch time never seems to end because the hunger never goes away..... I will the time away so its dinner time & i can stop trying to be good, sticking to low calorie snacks (dutch crisp bakes, fruit & mini milks!) and have a full meal. If i ate something higher calorie every time i was hungry, then my fear over going overweight really will turn into a reality, if it isn't already!

I'm too scared to know what i weight & am comtemplating a blind weigh in on wednesday, but then i'm also so scared i've gone overweight. I want to know and make sure i'm not still gaining weight. Not that i seem to have enough energy yet to do anything much if i am, & since this weekend all i've felt like i've wanted to do is comfort eat, things aren't looking too positive. Last night i went to bed to watch shooting stars on BBC iplayer......with a small pack of cadburys chocolate buttons!

Selfish or sensible?

A blog came through my RSS feed this morning that (for some reason) I'd subscribed to recently by another girl/young woman, in the UK who has an eating disorder. It was a pretty general post but the content and photos left me feeling almost angry, or perhaps now i think of it, jealous.

I've come to the conclusion that i do not want to read or see photos of suffers who are underweight. I have never posted photos of myself when i was at a very low weight here mainly because i looked so horrendous but of course also to try and keep my anonymity. But even in places where i am open and myself, i have only recently posted photos of myself, now that i am a healthy weight, only if they don't show my protruding stomach which is where the weight has decided to position itself right now. Looking at this photo made me want to comment on the blog.

"Why would post a photo of yourself when you look like a dress with 2 sticks for arms and 2 sticks for legs?!"

"You say you want to recover, yet you talk about doing great periods of exercise & still wanting increase that exercise. Looking at the photo, you should be on bed rest!"

My immediate reaction was anger, in that the person didn't really want to recover (which i guess is a very possible underlying truth) and that i wanted to scream "I've done it so why can't you??!!!"

But then when i started typing this post and tried to identify my anger (too much therapy over that last 10 years, i could get a job as one myself these days!) i began to question the anger. Was it anger or was it jealous? Was i jealous that she still had the power and self control over food? That she was able to keep her weight low? Where as i now just enjoy food too much.....

I wanted to say "you can just start eating again" but the tried to remember how i felt when i was that weight. I wanted to start eating again but there was this invisible force that stopped me and forced me to tears instead. I tried to recall all those people who didn't understand me and didn't comprehend how i supposedly (and honestly) had no appetite. If someone one had told me to just eat another apple or even try a banana, i know that all i could say to them would be "Its not that easy." and carry on crying inside.

I feel guilty for feeling this way, i feel like i'm not being understanding of their situation, which seems ridiculous when i've been there for the last 3 years. It also almost reiterates my feelings of being a fraud and a fake. Something in my mind says "If you feel this way and can't show any empathy then maybe you weren't really anorexic. After all you were only underweight for 3 years and only got help for 2 years of that. You weren't a proper anorexic". The fact that i reached a critical BMI of 12 doesn't seem to feature now that those digits are reversed (yep, from 12 to 21 in about 4/5 months!).

I'm not saying when you start eating again (like a bull in a china shop) that its plain sailing, for the first couple of months i was convinced i was going to kill myself because i felt so out of control. My self harm escalated again, not to the state that it had been before the eating disorder, however the fact that it had become at least weekly again was a sign of the struggle (not that i told anyone about that until last week). But i really do believe if you ever do feel that urge to just eat, find some support and just go for it, because once you awaken your appetite although its terrifying and feels like it will never stop, it does settle down. 5 months ago i was sobbing, asking people how long it would take, wishing i'd never started eating again, but i know it was the best thing to happen. I really would love to post a photo of my progress but i really don't think i can do it without revealing some clues to my identity. I'll have to work out a way of tracing my outline and posting that rather than the actual photo!

Anyway its breakfast time (well, once mum & D get downstairs), its the weekend & i fancy pancakes!!!! Its been so long since i had sweet pancakes, possibly not for the last 3 years at least! And my 2 attempts at buckwheat pancakes for dinner don't count! No lemon juice but i do have limes in the fridge, and i'm still debating between sweetner & sugar (actually i have some light sugar which is half sweetner and half sugar) some old habits are still hard to break.

I hope everyone is well & Lola, can you see through the boxes yet?!

take care,

Susie
xxx

Benefit Busters

I've been watching the series of programmes on Channel 4 recently called "Benefit Busters" and tonight's, the 2nd so far, is based on sickness & disability. Seeing those interviews and assessments just raises my paranoia (which is already raised in all areas eg. being followed, people talking etc. for some reason) that someone is going to come knocking and tell me i'm a fraud and a fake.

I worry people will think,

"She's gained weight, she looks fine, she's even smiling sometimes. There's nothing wrong with her"

I made the effort to get a job (even when i was too unwell to be working and should probably have been hospitalised instead!), surely that shows i'm trying, but even though i've gained the weight i currently have less energy than i did when i was at my lowest weight. Well, maybe its not quite like that but i currently still need an afternoon nap every couple of days, which puts a bit of a barrier to my plans some days.

This is coming out all wrong. What i think i'm trying to say right now is that i'm scared. I don't want things to change right now. This is the most stable i've been, whilst not being a skeleton, since - well since i was first diagnosed with depression aged 14. My fear is that someone looking at me will say i can manage the part time (up to 16 hours), so why don't i try and go full time, that i don't deserve benefits because i can work. Then what? So i try full time work, what if i fall apart? i don't want to lose this job. It means the world to me, its been the best thing that has happened to me for such a long time. I'm terrified that i'll fall apart, end up in hospital (sectioned because thats the only way i'm ever going back to that place, i will never go of my own free will, not even to visit) which would probably mean i would never go back to working where i am now, or even get in touch with my wonderful caring boss ever again.

When things go wrong and i feel i've let people down, i don't feel i can go back and face them again. I've never been back to my school after leaving mid way through the first year of 6th form (although that might be about to change due to meeting someone at work who has just finished 6th form at the same school), i've never been back to the hospital ward that i worked on but had to leave after the car accident (not that they would have let me back to work anyway) and if i see anyone in the street from the past i generally put my head down and walk in the other direction. I don't want this to happen to my current work place. Its not that they don't know about my issues, but they don't know the half of my past and the things i've done. Actually sitting here thinking about it, i'd kind of forgotten about the fact that they don't know the whole me and for the first time i think i've managed to live my life and forget about hiding my past from those around me. Although now i feel like i need to confess to my boss and feel like i'm lying to him.

Perhaps thinking too much at 10pm isn't a good idea.

Hot chocolate and bed (and a couple of sedatives to shut my over working brain down).

Dreaming

I'm in a garden centre, crying. Why, i don't know. But then very often there is no reason, in fact i'm not really sure there ever has been.

Nurse Practioner, J, is there. She walks through the rows of flowers across the other side of the room. Why doesn't she look up? Why doesn't she see me. I muddle around, resisting the urge to purposely make our paths cross. It feels wrong for me to cross her path however i pray she crosses mine, finding me and my distress.

After a while it seems she will not stumble on my misery, and so i leave the shop and return to my car, with tears rolling down my cheeks faster than ever. I fumble to put the key in the ignition, finally turning it to start the engine. I've given up on finding help & seeking comfort. Its time to go home and give myself to the black clouds that hang over me, sinking down into a black hole.

I never make out of the car park. Through the tears & due to lack of strength in my arms i fail to see & turn the steering wheel enough to avoid a brick wall. I don't think i'm hurt, but my prays are answered. J is by side, having opened my car door. She speaks but i don't hear what she says. I'm too lost in the black clouds by now to feel any comfort from her. All she can do is guide me.