ITV - The truth about online anorexia

probably shouldn't be watching this, but then again maybe at the same time it will hurt so much mentally that maybe i'll see past my eating disorder. And then again i expect i'll carry on crying tonight, cry myself to sleep and then wake up tomorrow morning and nothing will change.

Fearne Cotton's just interviewed a mother and the best friend of a girl who died aged 19 at 4 and a half stone. It hit hard because i'm only 6 lb from there. But what was my brain saying?

"Yeh, but i bet she was much taller than i am"

Trying to justify my own weight. I wish i knew if the girl died suddenly or whether she had any warning signs. Maybe if i knew that she had no warning it would help me see that i could be that close to it and not know it.

I got the report from the assessment today - basically just repeating what i said to her there and saying we know you are reluctant to come in as an inpatient but have a think about it - as if i'm going to change my mind just like that.

I feel so strange about fixing the scales yesterday with fluids. Perhaps its because deep down, the sensible part of me knows that i'm not just fooling M, but its just me sinking further into denial that i already am, if thats at all possible.

It's the long Easter weekend with Mum and D at home for 4 days instead of the normal 2. Today i cut back again because i know i'll eat more that i want to this weekend. You know all i can think of right now? "Please let Tuesday come quickly so i can counteract the horrors of this wekend"

Mum and D are planning on going for a walk somewhere this weekend, which will be a good 2/3 hours long at least. I feel too shattered and exhausted to want to move right now, yet there's a bigger part of me that says i should go with them because i am going to be eating more this weekend. If anything i know i should be eating extra especially if i'm planning on going walking.

I'm being a bit foolish posting this before bed really, although by upsetting myself maybe crying myself to sleep will get this out of my system before the long weekend ahead with Mum and D at home. So I have one final thought for today, which is something i have realised but perhaps not completely admitted to myself yet.

Maybe a big reason i'm reluctant to find the energy to fight this, is because if I'm not ill, mum won't care about me. She won't have a reason to care, to love me or to want me around.

And now i can't see for tears again, so Good Night.

Why don't i learn??!!

More anger, more extra walking. Now time for some hard work in the garden, more compensation needed to counteract my mistakes.....

Stupid bread pudding. Why do i like it so much? Thank fully it was only a small piece, and in fact this one has far too much allspice in it, and i didn't like it as much.

Time to get my arse moving and do some hard gardening. The extra 30 minute speed walking wasn't enough. And there will be no bread with lunch or dinner.

Because i'm weak, pathetic and a poor excuse for....well - anything. Good job i didn't have that porridge really......

Drowning (posts ends v. anorexic thoughts)

Sorry i've been quiet. I've been slowly sinking and there's a huge part of me that just doesn't care. Bascially if they end up sectioning me, which is the only way they'll get me into a unit, it's my own fault because i'm asking for it. Mum's made it clear she'd put up no objections if it came down to it.

M said if i don't gain any weight over the next 2 weeks, after losing another something like another 1.5kg by her records (which tallys with what i'm reading on my scales.), then she's looking for a bed ASAP. Forget the waiting list, she's getting me a bed. This was what a part of me was hoping she'd say. But for some reson those words didn't sink in. Another part of my brain just sat there and said "It's ok. There's others who need the beds more than you and there's waiting lists a mile long. She'll never find a bed! Don't worry, it'll never happen."

I told M these thoughts, to which she assured me when she really needed a bed, she never had trouble getting one!

Maybe part of those words did sink in. Because i left there in a state and called mum. I finally said some of those things that i'd wanted to say. Things like having someone there at lunch, or going into work with D all day so i'm under a bit more pressure to eat. Even if its just my soup and a slice of bread right now. At the moment i'm lucky to allow myself the soup. But as usual i think it fell on deaf, or rather non-comprehending, ears. I wish i'd never opened my mouth.

The other thing thats i've done over the past couple of days is eat things that would normally be totally off my radar (but that are really tasty!). Thursday i spotted a cafe selling Bread Pudding. Not what they call bread pudding in the US and not British bread and butter pudding but something with a recipe like this or this, although i suspect the slab i had contained suet as well, so even more scary. So anyway i plucked up the courage, bought it and ate it as i walked round town. I hadn't actually had anything yet that day, and needless to say i didn't have anything til dinner after! And tried to walk as much as i could. I still don't think it was enough to counteract the stodge and i totally regret doing it.

Then yesterday for some reason despite hating myself i did it again! i did have 3 pieces of fruit before i decided to get off my backside and go into london, which i knew meant a lot of walking so therefore i could afford to eat something while i was out. I decided to go to Borough Market in search of spider crab and giant prawns, but of course ended up tasting lots of other things like brownies, cheese and then when i could see any bread pudding (which i had now of course got a taste for..... the reason why i shouldn't have gone there in the first place and started eating these things) i decided on something else for lunch/treat as i'd done lots of walking (but sadly also lots of tasting....grrrr! no willpower!). I'm all for trying something new, new cuisines, new produce etc etc. Borough is full of different things and things that are harder to get hold of but they are often more expensive of course. Anyway i bought some Salsify from a veg stall, some fudge for Nan and Raclette to eat then and there. I found this photo on flickr which although was taken 2 year ago, i swear it is still the exact same people! So basically potatoes (slightly crushed), salt, mini gherkins and pickled onions with melted cheese on the top. Then because of course i'd started i couldn't stop.

There was a cooking demonstration going on, and when i was offered a tasted of half a pancake with sliced banana, caramel sauce and chopped nuts, i caved once again. After that i was starting to stress, my two sides were starting to collide so i got walking, making sure to choose a route that was going to involve more walking that sitting on the tube. I still had to meet mum to do the shopping as well (where i tried to tell her what i'd done/eaten but it just ended in an argument and reminded me why i don't bother telling her about things, so i didn't mention the bread pudding from thursday). I couldn't let myself sit down on the hour tube journey on the way home, and plugged my ipod in making sure i was tapping my foot and fidgeting in time to the music. I didn't care how stupid i looked.

And of course i tried my hardest to compensate at dinner with a salad of low calorie cheese and roasted red onions. I did have a pomelo after, which i wish i could have held back from but did enjoy.

This morning i'm planning on going to a market, if nothing else just to walk some more. Mum and D aren't up yet and although breakfast (porridge oats with rhubarb) is there and ready, i might me able to get away with washing it down the sink. I don't normally waste stuff but i'm so stressed and with it being the weekend i'm going to have to eat lunch with them home.... I'm leaving in half hour, i warned mum i wanted to go, so i'm kind of glad they're not up yet.

So there you go. Susie Belle is more screwed up than ever! I question myself right now. Perhaps i do want to go into hospital but getting them to force me in is the only way its going to happen? Maybe i'm seeing this as a way out, but not via the hospital exit - i don't really think i want the cardboard box exit but i really don't know what i'm thinking any more.

Sorry for such a depressing and anorexic post. But i think it shows how much anorexia messes with your thoughts and your mind.

I'll order......

.....a portion of recovery, please - but without the side of weight gain and then to follow i'd like an order of sanity but does that come with stability or not?

....................................

Mum and i had words last night. Not an argument as such but lots of raised voices and tears from me. I came so close to telling her my suggestions like eating out more, because when we're out despite chosing what i think will be the lowest in calories, i know it won't be anywhere near as few as what i'd make at home. Or the thought of going to work with D each day so i'm stuck there and have to take lunch (not just a bowl of soup) with me and have to have breakfast before i go. Or her making a sandwich for me of a morning so i'm expected to eat it, but the way i am at the moment i'd probably compost the filling and give the bread to the birds - it would clear my conscience about wasting it!

But i couldn't get the words out. That part of me that doesn't want to gain weight, that feels like an elephant at the slightest bloatedness was stronger than the fearful part of me thats caused by the palpitations and other physical issues.

It's just left me feeling low and tired. The fact we lost an hours sleep last night due to the clocks springing forward at 2am probably hasn't helped much.

I went to see [farmer boss] a couple of days ago. He was clearly angry and certainly wasn't as warm and friendly as when i saw him before Christmas. He told me though that he was. He said part of him felt sad to see me looking so thin and the other part of him felt angry about it. Angry that i'd let things slip i guess. He eventually said that he was shocked when i walked in. I asked it it was really that noticeable. He said it was and he expected his secretary would tell him the same on monday.

That issue alone fills be with dread for today. Mum's going down to see my grandparents and i was planning on going with her. D goes out on the last sunday of each month which means mum and i get some time together to do something, however this month she wanted to go down south to see Nana and Grandpa. For once its not even really the eating issue, or rather the stress of eating down there. I know whats planned for lunch and Nan's even said i can just cook my own (it's scallops so i'm even kind of wanting to go). But the thought of comments (the truth basically but not in a nice way) from my grandfather and the concerned caring eyes from Nan, i know grandpa will have had warnings about saying things but it won't stop the hurt to Nan.

All i can do is chose clothing that doesn't cling, covers up and hopefully hides the skeleton. Or upset Nan just as much and don't go but that would mean being on my own all day and i don't know why but thats harder at a weekend than during the week when i'm normally on my own anyway!

Quote of the Day

And the award goes to...........

My Mother!

"Susie, you are not in anorexic."

cue hysterical crying and laughter from me.

"You are a control freak."


next she'll be telling me i'm not really depressed either......

Which Outcome am i waiting for?

There are 3 ways this could stop going downhill.

1 - I find a reason to actively live for rather than just survive for my family, and start eating more.

2 - I collapse and they cart me off to hospital, and i start eating because either i'm made to or i give up fighting the part of me that has the compulsion to restrict and take it as a way out/excuse.

or

3 - I collapse, but i don't recover... I don't survive... And it is my way out of this misery but will sadly cause much heartbreak to others in the process.



I don't know which out come i want anymore. The first just doesn't seem possible. I've lived with depression and all thats come with it for almost half of my life and i don't see anything else. I can't imagine a 'normal' life, one that includes a stable job, a social life, friends, interests etc. The second option seems more likely and in some ways is what i'd like to happen but i don't expect it would run as smoothly as that. I don't expect that if the control of what i ate was taken away from me, that i would take it lightly or as easily as in my little fantasy world.

Then to the 3rd option...... Is this the reason i continue to lose weight? Is this what i'm hoping for? I know i've stopped myself from the final curtain in the past, but somehow if an external or indirect factor were to be the cause I feel like i'd be less to blame. If an infection or virus were to take me, it would be as much my fault. I'm running out of reasons for living.

I don't know what my brain is thinking or really wanting anymore.

My BMI is now 12.6 I've typed it in the same colour as the background as i know numbers and figures can be upsetting to some. Hopefully that should work.

Mum asked me if i wanted to meet her for lunch today. I desperately wanted to be able to say yes but the food fear factor of where we'd be going was just too much. Yet if we were out and mum said "We're going here for lunch" i know i'd just get on with it, even if the restrictions were greater later on during the day. I tried to explain this to her, but i don't think what i was really trying to say was understood.

Time to run away and disappear into a crowd for a bit, not that seems possible as i stick out like a sore thumb - or rather an injured stick insect.....

Rare Paternal Contact

And people wonder why i avoid seeing/talking to him...... Note my thoughts and what i wanted to say in italics.

Father says:
Hello. How are you this morning?
Susie says:
good morning. just trying to plan my day. deciding which Tesco’s to do the shopping in

Decisions, decisions.

well, yes, actually it is quite a difficult decision for me. Its a start that i'm leaving the house

thing is different stores stock different items

Daft. Mind you I haven't been into a Tesco in months. Always go to Waitrose now (or get it delivered by Ocado).

only thing i pick up in Waitrose are globe artichokes

How have you been?

not so great

Still fed up?

still fed up??!! still fed up??!! you really have no clue about anything do you?
its a bit more than fed up

Depression?

hmmm lets see? suicide attempts, self harm, anorexia, hospitalization - oh and severe depression. Its only been on going for the last 10 years though......
it always has been

And what are the medical profession doing to help?

You mean the shrinks and head doctors?
there's nothing else they can do really.

Nothing at all?

they don't have magic wands sadly

No, but they do have anti-depressants (I know there are side effects but surely something would help?).

I’m on medication already

Is it working?

{sarcasm} Yeh, its working fantastically - Thats when when you asked how i'd been i said 'not so great'!!
not yet

How long does it take to have an effect?

probably another couple of weeks if its going to
But don't get your hopes up

I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Then the conversation moved onto his [adopted] children. The boy has been diagnosed with an "attachment disorder" and is starting meds for ADHD this week. Yet they [father and his wife]seem to be getting more help from their local CAMHS than the poor lad. Yes, i understand the parents need to know how to manage and deal with the child, but despite his "low IQ" and the fact that "to all intense purposes he is autistic" - what about someone for him to talk to and help him deal with things? I think my comments there probably fell on deaf ears. I can't judge or critise though. I haven't seen them for a long time and i don't know the ins and outs of their home life.

The conversation then took a different route - the path of "i really didn't need to know that!"

i haven't seen you online for a while

I hadn't updated my browser properly and then it kept crashing with Flash so I couldn't get the chat to work properly (although I do use GoogleTalk most days to chat to my writing friend).

ah ok. its just last time we talked you hadn't been well

Was that before or after my operation?

i think after

Probably. I was a bit miffed that they didn't tell me how long it would really take to get better. But it's all good now. My 'bionic' bits work well.

Too much information - this IS your daughter you are talking to
is the problem likely to reoccur?

No. Although the implants will need replacing in around ten years. So I'll probably have to do it all again then. In the meantime I'm back on to six monthly check ups for the cancer (to make sure it isn't coming back) which are good at the moment.

Actually the last one was worse for a few days at least what with swelling and being shaved, I looked more like a porn star for a few days.
I couldn't do up my trousers when I left hospital so I had to have a long coat.

Far too much information!! I bet everyone thought you were some dodgy looking bloke. I can imagine it would take much to make people this that judgingby the way you looked when i saw you last.
i hope you didn't have far to walk to the car!

A few hundred yards (and further than I wanted because we got lost on the way out). Unfortunately I had to go to Leicester as they were the only hospital nearby which did that op. So we didn't know our way around.

A bit more polite conversation from me asking about his work, before.....

i should really get going

All right then. Take care. And let's chat again. Soon.
Love you.

Sorry but i can't say i love you too because quite frankly you are a stranger to me
bye for now

Bye.

It'll probably be a month or two before we speak again. When i told mum she was suprised he didn't offer his usual problem solving thing and invite me to their villa in spain with them for a week. Because thats going to so easy after not having seen him for a couple of years and the rest of the family for even longer!