Sorry

Sorry I lied
Sorry I deceived
Sorry I brokes the rules.

Sorry I disappointed you
Sorry I caused problems,
Yet again.

I'm sorry for my actions
But I can't be sorry for the way I feel.

I can be responsible,
Regretful,  remorseful.
But I can't control, the intrusive thoughts.

I want to move forwards
But I also want to go back.

Back to the "chilled out",
To the relaxed, the happy,
The confident and strong.

He's taken my strength for now
But I know you are right
When you say I can't let him keep it.

I need to fight - not only the thoughts and feelings
But to regain control.

Control over my thoughts,
My actions,
My emotions,
My responses.

I don't think I'm reading too much into it,
To me, your comment meant a lot.
Unexpected but so meaningful
And said so genuinely.

It's something no one ever voiced so directly.
That's what I'm holding onto,
For now.

Busy

You're busy
He's busy
She's busy
They're busy.

Looks like I'm going to be busy too.
Not how you would like, but then what does it matter,
You are all busy.

If you weren't busy we could talk,
Do word puzzles,
Snuggle up on the sofa in the lounge,
And chill out with others.

But my mental state does not permit  other in,
Certainly not a group,
And certainly not from my side of the fence.

I need someone from the busy side.
By day they may be busy but still there is time to be spared, shared.
By night there's not enough to go around.

Not enough bodies to spare for the evening crisis,
Of which there are many.
The 10 o'clock bewitching hour appears to have changed.

For 8.30pm the haunting anxiety begins,
following me around like a shaddow of poor mental health.
Talking means sharing some of those demons,

Yet tonight they trapped,
Although not for long.
Released in my own desperate manner.

I promise I tried to get help,
Asking anyone and everyone who passed me at the office door,
But to no avail.

I can't help but take the 'busy' personally.
Yesterday another patient was given the assistance that I felt my desperation required.

It in itself is a problem that need to be addressed.
The 'busy'.
The night time response is almost certainly guarantee to be that;
Busy.

Will you promise me a maybe?

Will you promise me we can always talk?
Be open and honest with each other,
Laugh and joke?

Will you promise me that you'll always be there?
Even if I have to wait for you
Or search to find you?

Will you promise me that you will never hurt me?
Or at least warn me of the dangers that lie ahead,
With as much will that's within your power.

Will you promise me that if you see me again, you'll recognise me?
Remember our relationship as it was,
Then see it as something new.

Will you promise me something?

That one day,
Some day,
However long it takes,
That you'll hug me?
Embrace me?
Comfort me?

I know you can't give me those as promises for now,
But in the future,
Can that promise be a maybe?

Red flag relationship

I want her to be my Miss Honey to me as Matilda

Red Flag

A week ago the flag was white,
Yet now its postbox, phone box red,
Blood red.

And they're multiplying.

I don't mind the flags,
They provide a sort of comfort,
In their own confused way.

They provide a secret language.
Words I cannot utter.
Thoughts I hate to admit.

I wish I could change the colour.
In fact there are other colours.

The envious green
The purplexed purple
The gloomy grey.

Sadly the red warning is where its at.
I hope with time it will fade,
From red through dusty pink,
Back to the non needy white.

At least the flags are not only seen by my eyes.
You help me recognise.
Leaving the flags flying in the past.

Confidence

I told my lovely mentor that I had a little boost from a tutor in the revision session. I feel he may have over emphasised by saying I "smashed it".

She replied saying "i do agree with your tutor in that you probably will smash it! You are the best prepared out of all my students and thankfully more than ready for this exam."

I still can't deal with people being kind to me, especially those that my stupid brain has kind of fallen attached to.  When I suggested our next meeting her words were,

"this is your mentoring, you set the agenda"

There that part of me too that wishes someone would take the control away. I guess thats where K's theory of self sabotage comes in, maybe thats why I do it? But itz only because I don't feel I can manage things anymore.

Her last text?

"All the best for monday, although i have full confidence in your ability"

She replies to work stuff at weekends. She doesn't need to, but she does. She cares and right now I never want to let her go. She's like one of my uni mums. Yes, yet again I am that little girl who just was to feel loved and comforted.

She's not the first to say that, and I wish I shared their confidence.   But its not about my ability is it? Its about me managing my anxieties and keeping it all together.

Home for the weekend distracting myself with a bit of revision thrown in, but I know when sunday evening hits and then Monday morning comes..... well at least being one of the first I have less time to get worked up and can run away and hide soon after.

Although the plan is I meet someone so I'm not hyperventilating on my own. Don't know if she will be free at such short notice though.  I only got the exam details late tonight.

I want to pass, but I want to fall apart and let this all out my system and for people to see how I really feel inside at the same time.  Can I do both?

Forgetful

I think I may have just double dosed on my meds again..... I'm not sure.  I wasn't sure if I took the lunch time dose so took one just in case and I've just done the same with the night time dose.

Don't suppose it really matters as it doesn't have to much of an effect  short term.  I think there has been a difference since the dose increase in general long term, its been a  month now.

My brain just feels like mush right now. I don't know if its from too much revision and  too much stress, or taking the high dose of beta blockers to get through a study session today. (that turned me into a zombie after a week on them last time, with mum begging me to stop taking them because I was just so depressed and hadn't been like that for a few years).

I think the beta blockers did the job, well my heart rate barely got off the floor that's for sure.  Would have been interesting if someone had tried to take my pulse!  So I think I will use them for the real exams.  They may stop the physical symptoms but I'm not sure they can stop the emotions.   I am planning to meet with someone onmy support network afterwards on Monday,  so I can cry with someone and hopefully avoid too much destruction,  although that didn't stop me last time but then I think I was a lot lower and distressed already last time.