tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10935059241267375412012-01-27T09:23:40.873Z"Use the past as a springboard, not as a Sofa" (L.Clark)Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.comBlogger2631100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-18183131698413773562012-01-27T08:59:00.002Z2012-01-27T09:23:40.885Z

Theere are no excuses for my abscence.I just haven't felt like blogging.There still been plenty going on. Maybe there's been too much going on. I don't do very well with time management; My room is a tip, I haven't completed the extra bits on the volunteer project i've been doing, I haven't started the college (yes i'm attempting to study again)assignment i got monday (its now Friday), I'm trying

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-7155694861036945002011-08-08T22:06:00.003+01:002011-08-08T22:35:26.589+01:00

I don't know what i'm thinking anymore. Saw K today & left feeling worse than i did before i went in. I knew i should have left when time was getting tight, although i did still manage to make it to the gym on time for evening classes. Thank goodness i had combat after LBT, i had so much agression to let out, although i didn't manage to make it out of the studio before i started crying. I also

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-42287437146537673332011-07-14T20:17:00.003+01:002011-07-14T20:39:54.392+01:00

I have a porn problem. A food porn problem. I'm back into the habit of googling & floolwing links to recipes, and saving some of them in my favourites, knowing full well i will probably never make any of them. Although i have gone as far as to buy some of the ingredients for one.I've been here before. I know the signs, but i don't want to stop them right now. I'm losing weight & i'm happy with

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-58854410872952566402011-07-12T22:42:00.003+01:002011-07-12T23:05:27.539+01:00

I don't know what i want at the moment. I don't see a future. It is purely day to day. I get up throw myself at the gym & exhaust myself. In the last 9 days i have done 22 classes plus a 15 minute run plus exercise walking at the stables of about 4 hours in that time.I'm going to try & cut back in the next week. Either i've exhausted myself or i'm anaemic again, either way the blood test J took

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-29616585772191383682011-07-03T21:45:00.003+01:002011-07-03T21:54:51.832+01:00

I've just booked a few (for few, read 5) classes at the gym for a week tomorrow. I had a count up my planner at the same time. I have 17 hours of classes booked in the next 7 days. Its got a bit out of control. The caffeine addiction will well and truely set in by the end of this week, if it isn't already.That 17 hours doesn't include 4 hours of volunteering with horses, a rare night out on

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-29587056709270330842011-06-29T11:02:00.002+01:002011-06-29T11:29:27.622+01:00

......there's nothing that can be done anyway, is there?"That was my response to K this morning when she asked me if i wanted an x-ray of my hand. If i had made a better job of punching then perhaps & even though i am in pain, couldn't make a fist for her, flinched every time she touched the knuckle it still doesn't mean there is anything that can be done.She said to strap it up & stick it in a

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-35425045070960845112011-06-19T19:09:00.003+01:002011-06-19T20:14:00.924+01:00

I saw someone today that i used to trust with my life and even though we haven't spoken in a couple of years, i would still trust her will all my secrets if i saw her again tomorrow.I'm going to call her Rose, because i will never forget the day she told me i looked like a rose when i smiled. I was 13 years old & had been seeing her at school weekly (the benefits of going to a private school -

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-48843638899860297612011-06-15T18:26:00.003+01:002011-06-15T18:53:06.121+01:00

I made it to the gym, however i then proceeded to hit the boxing trainer harder & harder. I am now trying to keep my purple & blue knuckles hidden from view. The physio noticed straight away so I've tried to cover them with camoflage make up & mum's foundation - but i think i have actually managed to pop a blood vessel in the left hand, as its not just my knuckles its the whole of the back of

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-36954183971607741602011-06-15T09:30:00.003+01:002011-06-15T10:25:03.367+01:00

It's time to resurrect Susie. I disappeared not because i wanted to to but because i screwed up. I managed to send an email to my whole personal address book but from my blog account. I am praying very hard that no-one then googled the name & blog and that if they have, they respect my privacy enough to not read it when i release the gag on Susie Belle - or at least even if they do read & know

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-36812580593489062642011-03-22T13:51:00.001Z2011-03-22T13:51:34.172Z

Take a picture - i never look right in pictures. Ask me anything

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-17522555230528215942010-12-02T20:16:00.002Z2010-12-02T20:28:54.756Z

Its been a long time since i've ridden a horse and also riding with damage to my stomach. Must remember that carrying saddles & dismounting involves a lot of contact with the stomach!Having said that walk, trot & canter was lovely! A free ride, for helping out in the snow. Good deeds pay off. Good boost to the confidence too.But 3 hours at the yard & yesterday evenings emotional breakdown left

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-9416888505090930922010-11-30T17:44:00.002Z2010-11-30T18:07:51.131Z

Dietician in London wants me to eat 1600 a day, keeping it the same each day & eating the majority before evening -maximum of 600 for dinner/evening.Eating earlier means i am just left hungry later on still. When i was restricting in the mornings more at least i knew what i could allow myself later on. But now - today especially - i have 300 calories left of that allowance and it not even

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-60060509674039483782010-11-19T20:00:00.003Z2010-11-19T20:20:09.574Z

One of the first clips they showed tonight for the appeal was about equine therapy. It featured young people from Northern Ireland who suffered from various mental health issues, including BPD. The intro said how they contemplated suicide, self harm bla bla bla....Sorry, but it makes me really angry. As a teenager i would see the programme and imagine how these various charities could help me

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-33645057706379237232010-11-12T07:07:00.004Z2010-11-12T07:52:09.139Z

I was so pleased to be woken up by mum closing my door to this morning. I felt trapped in the last part of the nightmare. It was as though i was aware of them moving around next door but i couldn't escape the nightmare which was just about to develop into a horror movie.From when i remember, it started with being on a ship or ferry or some kind of boat, which capsized and sunk with us inside.

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-39018304053180464392010-11-07T08:23:00.003Z2010-11-07T09:58:38.234Z

Every now & then there are things that bring me back to reality and make me realise that i'm not as strong as i think i am. Brings me back to reality so to speak.I've helped someone set up a website page for their business. It was a business i was simply at a customer at but became friends with the owner during a period when i needed a safe place to be & just sit. She let me sit in a corner of

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-1971863686794030112010-11-06T08:04:00.002Z2010-11-06T08:09:51.041Z

From my point of view i disagree with this article. Not because i think the benefits reform is a good & right thing.But i don't think with me i would/will be pushed into poverty. I must say this is another big reason i am trying to get a job. Instead of being pushed into poverty, if i were forced to get a job and the pressure was on me greatly - that is when i rapidly relapse & fall apart.I

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-5720184482189532052010-11-05T20:47:00.003Z2010-11-05T21:21:42.018Z

Yesterday was the London ED Unit appointment. Had to be there for 1pm so yesterday morning i got up, went for a 2 mile run and then left on my 2 hour journey (30 minute drive, 1 hour tube, 30 minute walk). Should have worn my HRM on my journey to see hour my very brisk power walking improved calorie burning. But i didn't so when i go back to the town where the car was i went the gym & did 45

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-34455444104438571532010-10-30T18:09:00.002+01:002010-10-30T18:25:07.892+01:00

So the phone call came today, 6 months after i sent back their medical forms. I thought i'd escaped it, i thought it had been so long that it wasn't going to happen.But no. In 2 weeks time i have the appointment i dread & fear, even more than seeing Dr L & TP who i refuse to see after last weeks appointment, was going to blog about it but i just can't even talk about it or think about it. Even

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-18206488497790435272010-10-29T21:48:00.003+01:002010-10-29T23:19:48.813+01:00

Its mum & D's anniversary today & mum wouldn't shut up about me not going out to dinner with them. So to keep her quiet (as usual) i relented and went. Now i severely wish i hadn't.It started fine, but then D ordered a started and expected me to share it. It was 5 chunks of bread with oil, vinegar and salt for dipping. I said i didn't want a started but he kept offering it to me. I hate myself

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-81071245251387081222010-10-26T07:25:00.003+01:002010-10-26T07:52:12.237+01:00

i have a plan. a future plan that would see me in education from next january until at least september 2015.I don't like telling people of my plan, because;i get very over emotional because its something i really want to do.i don't want people to laugh in my face because they think i have no hope in hell of achieving my dream.i don't want to tell people i'm doing it then fail and disappoint

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-88776173103718695792010-10-16T20:46:00.002+01:002010-10-16T21:05:31.896+01:00

On further inspection, during a calmer moment, i saw the comment on the blood form for the fasting test said"Raised Gluc"I've racked my brains trying to remember my order of events for that day. I saw J at 11am but before that i went for a run.According to my running stats, i went for a 20 min run at 9.25am. So i wouldn't have got home until 10am which means by the time i'd had a shower, got

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-18126444876836636142010-10-16T13:08:00.002+01:002010-10-16T13:28:15.764+01:00

Postman's just been. Including a letter from J.She wants me to have a fasting blood test, which means the normal blood test picked something up. I've never had to have a fasting blood test before. I wish i knew why she wanted me to have it. But i will have to wait 36 hours before i can either call or go to the surgery to find out.I think i'd rather hear it from J than a receptionist.part of me

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-57721111114272392872010-10-12T20:50:00.002+01:002010-10-12T21:05:57.263+01:00

Mum turned her car upside down & wrote it off. Goodness knows how - she's the most cautious driver - she drives me mad as a passenger!She's fine. But it stirred up so much shit, both past and present.Have finally stopped crying after walking round the village in the dark sobbing and then coming home and spending half hour on the phone to the samaritans because the sad realisation is that i have

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-21968246856064219112010-10-12T11:59:00.002+01:002010-10-12T12:20:31.423+01:00

Bloods taken, results in a week.Physio referal, wait and see.Run though pain, just keep going. Must keep training.Ice x3 daily, reduce inflamation which J confirmed.Detail everything that passes my lips.Detail all exercise.Lose the extra weight - about 14lb/7kg.Referal to London, hope it comes soon.Appointment with TP & Dr L, dreading the looming nightmare situation.Appointment with M

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-89744528349975554552010-10-11T08:05:00.002+01:002010-10-11T08:49:28.739+01:00

Its on the news constantly and it's really starting to worry me.Heard them say on the BBC this morning that if people can work & then turn jobs down they will lose benefits.This terrifies me. I really want to make sure the job i get is a longer term thing. I down want to be in a situation where the risk of me relapsing again.I'd like to be able to train & get myself into the emergency services.

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-24987622172216711112010-10-06T20:21:00.003+01:002010-10-06T20:36:37.047+01:00

I don't think i'll tell mum about the appointment in London unless i have too. I know she just won't understand. I especially know this after a comment she made today when she got in from work."what did you do stay at home & eat all day?"(here we go, can't win. Don't eat and she's questioning me & now i'm eating too much)"what do you mean?" i replied."Well its just there's an empty tuna tin AND

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-73485539970268210862010-10-04T19:50:00.003+01:002010-10-04T20:35:22.104+01:00

This meeting is driving me insane. I had a good chat about it with M today. She offered to come to it - if i could get her an invite. But i'm still not sure i want to go myself. If i go i will spend the next 3 weeks stressing with no doubt more nightmares and on the day being the most horrendous person to live with, not want to be near anyone & then fall apart the next day because i will be

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-27251389191816718432010-10-03T12:33:00.002+01:002010-10-03T12:40:27.479+01:00

No more secretsfrom post secret

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-47404716395625990442010-10-01T18:23:00.005+01:002010-10-01T18:42:49.807+01:00

Why can't they just leave me alone? I was doing fine again until the letter arrived about the dreaded meeting. And then when mum phoned to tell them about their screw up, they sent me another one - Don't send me another, just FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!I know about the meeting so i don't need another letter, with a cover note, apologising for "any distress caused" You want to know about

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-73217542478795655322010-09-29T09:11:00.002+01:002010-09-29T09:33:52.722+01:00

A story (*Suicide warning*) in the local paper just popped up on my facebook feed, it shows me that i am right to not trust my crisis team, or any of the local MH team in my area. This story is about the same team who sent me -someone well known to them, including the nurse who assessed me that day/morning/night (i don't recall what time of day it was) & well know for being a massive danger to

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-44189956957729287062010-09-28T20:27:00.003+01:002010-09-28T20:41:07.310+01:00

...is bloody hard work!!maybe its because i generally eat low fat/calories products but i just feel like i'm eating constantly.Although i think i'd rather it this way than eating something high calorie, reaching my goal & then still feeling hungry. At least this way i am certainly not hungry. I am going to have a bit of a protein boost too. Tins of tuna, low fat yogurts and tomorrow i'm going

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-85514548916592420002010-09-27T17:55:00.002+01:002010-09-27T18:07:47.374+01:00

I'm going to try & set myself a challenge for the next 5 days, although to get results it would probably take longer than that.......Anyway, i need to get my body out of starvation mode. I'm going to try and eat 2000 calories a day. Doing at least 4 hour long classes plus a very active thursday morning volunteering & an extra bits like hopefully more 20 minute runs (at least 3 a week) and

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-4619264814844793622010-09-22T19:52:00.002+01:002010-09-22T20:00:04.224+01:00

If you've found this mum PLEASE LEAVE MY PERSONAL SPACE.I'm sorry if you are worried but this is my only place i can really get out whats going round and around in my fucked up head.We were watching something on tv, a sciency programme, and she said something about the "correlation doesn't prove a cause"Is it a coincidence between that comment and my previous post? I dearly hope so. but what

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-37638951036033030222010-09-20T18:52:00.003+01:002010-09-20T19:14:01.494+01:00

It hurts. Maybe my online buddy was right. Maybe i shouldn't have applied. Maybe applying for a job at my doctors is going to hurt more than any others. K didn't seem to agree & maybe she's right. Afterall this is the first rejection - at least the first i've got to hear of. The first application before the one for my surgery, i still haven't heard from - that was about a month ago.Even

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-6877535748868894902010-09-16T20:06:00.003+01:002010-09-16T20:52:20.493+01:00

So angry, so upset. Could easily harm even though mum & D are home, but thanks to a great online friend and her words of wisdom, i am going to ignore this other persons ignorance and focus on what i have achieved this morning.Conversation below has been edited to remove non relevant subject matter - actually i have trying to help her find a makeover party for her daughter - my step/half sister.

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-88884738932716967072010-09-08T18:18:00.002+01:002010-09-08T18:31:07.811+01:00

i don't know why but when people shorten my name i feel special and loved.H, a practice nurse at the surgery rang a minute ago. She called wanting to speak to mum. I don't know whether she recognised my voice or just associated the address in front of her with me after all the years i've known her and seen her, but she asked for me, Susie Belle, then it changed to Mum Belle, then mum's real

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-80337347212714426332010-09-07T07:26:00.002+01:002010-09-07T08:16:30.608+01:00

Once psychologists get in your head, they just won't leave you alone. Even when you are asleep!Last night's "sleep" consisted of 3 dreams at least, one containing a school trip on a miniture train & a forest, although then we seemed to end up at the sea side in a town. I can't really remember clear details of any of them, but then that could be classed as a good thing because it means it wasn't

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-11032976342145135692010-09-04T16:51:00.003+01:002010-09-04T17:13:19.128+01:00

I don't understand why i can't control my hunger? Or rather why nothing seems to satisfy it today. Especially when i've eaten far more than i normally would in a whole day, and its only 5pm!I don't think i'm thirsty, and i'm not even that tired, compared to how tired i have been. Sure the dreams aren't brilliant, i mean hospitals, eating disorder inpatient meals, being sectioned and nightmares

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-4134276262989877512010-08-31T19:06:00.003+01:002010-08-31T20:00:40.760+01:00

I am finally, after about 8 sessions, going to pluck up courage and cancel an appointment with TP. I think i have finally reached my limits. After last sessions loss of time and the response (or lack of) that i got about that issue this week has made me decide to put a stop. Seems kind of silly as it is the final assessment session before a shared meeting between me, mum, D, TP & Dr L (which i

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-42998579195545179112010-08-19T19:53:00.002+01:002010-08-19T20:46:58.890+01:00

As you may be able to tell from the title, it's not happy things in Susie's world right now. So if you are of a nervous (or too caring/a worrier) disposition then i suggest you read no further. And please no comments of go to hospital, just in case - because ITS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!!*************************(isn't that pretty)I'm falling, fast. Or rather i think i've fallen. 3 x 3 stitches

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-2944613939961663762010-08-12T17:07:00.002+01:002010-08-12T17:23:25.474+01:00

Just when i'm falling apart, my stupid obsessive googling makes me panic more. I saw M today & just decided to put her into google...... How many people with M's full name can there be working for my area's NHS mental health trust? The headline of the article i found says"specialist nurse appointed to deliver dementia care in [my area]"The opening line of the article which was published on July

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-56064604356585131042010-08-11T17:14:00.005+01:002010-08-11T17:30:30.868+01:00

my thoughts are slipping away from me and the black clouds are creeping in. I cried so much yesterday that i barely shed a tear when i saw J 45 minutes ago.Yesterday is a blur of tears, clouded over by mold dissociation where i struggled to focus to drive to the gym at the end of the day, with the only control over my mind being brought about by harm. When that amount of damage doesn't hurt, i

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-68873303409403886672010-08-01T19:59:00.002+01:002010-08-01T20:23:53.962+01:00

I won't need to find a fancy dress costume for the marathon - As i will look enough like a f***ing Hippopotamus as it is!Sorry, I'm cross. Cross with myself, and my lack of ability to remain in control of my disgustingly high food intake today. There are 2 reasons, firstly is that i eat more on the weekends anyway, due to rising stress, lack of gym routine and my mum & D being around all

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-84909422139639375252010-07-15T01:51:00.002+01:002010-07-15T02:03:36.787+01:00

Thats how many other people there are in the house right now. I need to escape. I can't go running for a few reasons.I don't have any trainers with meIts so hot and humid i'm sweating already!I had my nails done today - toenails too and i'm going to feel so guilty if i damage them before the wedding, especially as someone else paid for it!I feel fat and horrible. Each day i tell myself that

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-4340966796524434002010-07-13T01:35:00.002+01:002010-07-13T01:51:40.824+01:00

Of all the problems that would cause me stress on this holiday i didn't expect this one. The thing thats stressing me out the most right now, is my Nan. I feel really bad & guilty for saying this, but she's just so touchy feely huggy all the time and i just want to yell "back off!". she picked up that somethings was wrong today, i think i was just acting very cold, but i fobbed her off with

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-59123168690970024982010-07-10T09:43:00.002+01:002010-07-10T09:53:36.419+01:00

The stress hasn't gone away like M said - but then i'm not there yet. I'm in the airport lounge where breakfast is provided in the form of a cold buffet - cereals, fruit, yogurt & mini pastries.I started fine with some fruit & yogurt and a little museli. Back for more fruit......then the mini pastries got the better of me - all this waiting is winding me up. Mum & D are still with us, and i

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-16432781865919340852010-07-07T06:41:00.002+01:002010-07-07T07:01:47.660+01:00

Another news story where i feel like saying:"Have you only just realised this??!!""So what's new?""Does this mean you will do something about it now?" (to which the reply is probably "no")A quote from Lord John Alderdice, a Consultant psychiatrist is one that reminds me how lucky i am to have my GP"This situation is unacceptable by any reasonable standard. Lives may be at stake"When i my life

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-11674405315453720702010-07-05T20:37:00.004+01:002010-07-05T21:05:03.337+01:00

So my 2 weeks family holiday is nearly here. I am more stressed than ever, struggling to keep control every minute of every day.There are so many fears about it that i can't keep track of them all, and from one thing leads another. It just seems to be spiralling.Needless to say though food & exercise rank highly on my list of worries. Well wouldn't you if you were in a different country,

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-60891103022348884202010-07-01T08:26:00.001+01:002010-07-01T08:26:53.219+01:00

Writing an anonymous blog for me is at times almost like writing a diary, because for posts like my dreams i can refer back to them. The difference with that secret diary the you hide in your bedside drawer, is that you can bounce ideas off of your readers.The days when you question yourself, you have peoples opinions to help you sort out your thoughts. All the things yo want to say about

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-89385017155409182582010-06-29T21:21:00.003+01:002010-06-29T21:58:33.943+01:00

All i wanted was a hot chocolate to comfort me as i cry.I just wanted to curl up in bed, put friends on, cry & take a little comfort from a warm drink, even though the temperature of the air is rather warm.I turned up to the gym an hour and a half early for my class, and then didn't really get into the class when it finally happened.I came home, stressed over the silly little thing i needed to

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-34187233590060198442010-06-26T09:13:00.003+01:002010-06-26T09:38:39.445+01:00

Saturday morning, 8.30am, appointment with K.It started well, and i confessed my sins (well most of them), discussing my gym addiction which she still doesn't seem to see as a totally bad thing and the ending of college which lead onto looking to the future and what it may hold.Her view is that if i get offered more psychotherapy from TP then i should take it, but while i'm going through

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-36502059281019924212010-06-20T10:18:00.004+01:002010-06-20T10:29:24.043+01:00

K once asked me who i would rather have walk me down the aisle (theoretically) - without pausing i said D......I feel guilty but the stress of dealing with how i feel or don't feel about my fathers outweighs the guilt feelings whenever i am in contact with him. A current email asked me to go and stay with him, his wife & the kids for a long weekend at his villa in Spain in August...........i

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-31256281194831501602010-06-07T22:48:00.002+01:002010-06-07T22:59:21.359+01:00

Tonight i would like a night without Crazee Catchers or Plane Crashes.Nor do i want any dreams regarding current stressful issues for example:Money/financial issuescar insurance/MOTforthcoming holidays to far away landsexams for college coursesFatnessexercise related injuryjobs/careers (or lack of).....You know what. A night with without any brain activity would be lovely.

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-28045585956343690772010-06-06T09:37:00.002+01:002010-06-06T09:41:44.811+01:00

why won't it stop?This is what haapens when i have a few days of full eating. I stayed at Nan's wednesday & thursday & ate 'normally' yesterday & now today i can't stop. I just feel so damn hungry constantly. trouble is, part of me is too tired to care.i think i will have gained back what i lost when i see M tomorrow.

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-51478042171052575962010-06-06T06:22:00.002+01:002010-06-06T06:33:01.242+01:00

why on a sunday morning would i wake up and think "i really don't want to get up, i'll get out of my nice warm bed & go downstairs." ?A vivid nightmare about being sectioned . Thats why. And the horrible thing is, unlike scary vampire/monster nightmare, i know deep down that if things go down hill that it could happen. However i hope that it would be quite like the nightmare & that it

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-1552122901729217202010-06-04T12:42:00.002+01:002010-06-04T14:35:50.817+01:00

I can't afford to live anymore. Not on the benefits i get. It seems i will have to forget making sure i'm totally healthy and mentally strong enough before i work and just hope for the best. I just have to pray my mental health will hold out and not crash as with every other job or slight pressure its had applied onto it.The first big problem is What Would I Do??!!A sales assistant in a shop

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-30547846146398042132010-05-30T16:59:00.002+01:002010-05-30T17:45:19.661+01:00

She always took her lanyard & name badge off when she took me out, escorting me to the shops, for a walk or even to the hospital canteen. She always had perfect (fake) nails. I'd sit at her feet if there was no room on the sofa and she'd tickle/scratch the back of my neck.She used to wear Burberry Weekend perfume, which is a fragrance that comforts me to this day. The memories of her breaking

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-6195174344070212542010-05-26T19:02:00.004+01:002010-05-26T19:57:33.068+01:00

3 appointments so far this week.Time spent in waiting rooms (and library/randomly wandering around) = 100 minutesTime spent talking to people in appointments = 95Thats more time spent waiting that get issues solved! Ok perhaps i should justify that slightly.Appointment 1, on Monday, was an emergency appointment to sovle a medical issue which i couldn't put up with any longer. Having been told

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-38110057198682646562010-05-26T08:43:00.002+01:002010-05-26T08:57:11.249+01:00

Only 2 more sessions (although thats what he said last week) of seeing TP before the "extended assessment" period is over, and i can legitimately say i've given it a chance.It became clear to me today that he doesn't know me at all despite trying to suggest he knows whats going on in my head & how i may have felt as a child etc.This week as we were talking he came out with;"You must feel very

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-5313347656077311622010-05-23T07:58:00.004+01:002010-05-23T08:20:30.330+01:00

If a door is closed, do you:a) walk past a wait for the person to come of of the roomb) knock and wait for a replyc) knock and barge straight inor d) barge straight in.I'm sure you can guess which option my mother chose this morning at 7.45am. what has particularly caused the stress though is i was semi-clad (nickers only) standing on the scales. The fact that i was on the scales is not such a

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-21857339694735596942010-05-22T19:23:00.003+01:002010-05-22T19:38:31.776+01:00

Mum, right now i'd rather be knocked unconconsious, "cut up like a god damn virginia ham" (to quote Lisa from Girl Interrupted), doing something distructive to distract from the hell that is my thoughts and my mind. etc etc. But because i'm so stressed about hurting you (and nan), i'm not. I'm bottling it all inside instead - which means it will probably come back and bite me in the arse later

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-85907347206529599002010-05-22T14:58:00.002+01:002010-05-22T15:06:29.994+01:00

I found out a little while ago over lunch time conversations in the garden that F has retired.Another trusted person gone. Its been a while since i had anyone leave - last person was Dr PJ, who left me heartbroken. F's departure isn't quite as devastating but it means the surgery are no longer doing blood tests. Which will mean having to go to the local hospital. I trust F with my scars, she's

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-2429824208911815152010-05-21T19:56:00.003+01:002010-05-21T20:30:31.966+01:00

As i sat in a cafe today, after 2 hours of gym classes, i realised as i cried & drank my diet coke, just how deep i am back into the world of anorexia.I keep telling myself i can't possibly be the A word, due to my size & weight (spare me the lectures i know the criteria for EDs) and that i am simply on a diet - like every other woman at the gym.But sitting, crying because i can't order more than

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-42043262198516161212010-05-19T18:52:00.003+01:002010-05-19T18:55:05.302+01:00

The BBC has quite a reasonable website called Headroom, which i had a look around after noticing that programme on the TV guide.so for post number 200, i give you my Moodscape - an animation which expresses my current feelings.http://www.bbc.co.uk/headroom/moodscape/view/7frbcxhave a go - make your own -me? i'm off to the Mood Spa now.

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-15037145256380956842010-05-19T18:43:00.001+01:002010-05-19T18:44:48.218+01:00

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00sg94vcaught my eye in the TV guide for tonight. Think i'll record it rather than watch with other around - plus it clashes with more cheerful programmes....

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-60208449184779356612010-05-19T07:17:00.002+01:002010-05-19T08:30:06.604+01:00

Last nights dream was both heartbreaking but kind of comforting at the same time. I think it was probably caused by my brief visit on monday, to drop off some clothes to sell at the 2nd hand uniform shop. Needless to say lots of tears before i'd even driven off the campus (i was there for less than 5 minutes) and for the rest of the day.I turned up and parked in the school grounds at the bottom

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-44555616178729484312010-05-18T17:31:00.002+01:002010-05-18T17:49:50.971+01:00

In todays session examples were given as follows by Terry Pratchett:Doing up of flies, obviously having seen he had forgotten to do so after returning from a bathroom break between clients. Good job i avoid eye contact, sadly i still have ears!Falling asleep. Identified by closing of eye, nodding of head, turning off of heating, shifting position constantly etc etc. Sadly the lack of eye

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-85831645964302094592010-05-16T09:09:00.002+01:002010-05-16T09:15:25.440+01:00

Once again MH services are not at all popular here!While Mum and D were away they got a letter from the local CMHT, presumably to do with the carers appointment they were told they would get, which mum opened this morning....."We're sorry you couldn't attend your appointment.....""what appointment?" was the remark from all 3 of us.According to the letter they were given one on the 23rd April!

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-18519207744020628122010-05-15T14:29:00.002+01:002010-05-15T14:46:41.680+01:00

I bumped into a MH nurse who worked on the PICU when i was down there. Actually at the time she was a mature student nurse. I recall her being so kind & caring, warm and comforting, so i decided not to shy away and avoid her but to say hello. We talked while she packed & paid for her shopping and continued talking as we walked to our cars. But she wasn't anything like i remember, and now works

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-24742303629340787742010-05-07T16:20:00.002+01:002010-05-07T17:15:54.248+01:00

After seeing susie today she & J (who popped in to get something from the treatment room while i was there - twice!) told me that me medical skils are wasted. Susie said she could tell the difference between the doctors care & my own. She asked me whether i had thought about getting into nursing. I mentioned to her about my dreams of being a paramedic, but commented how i didn't think anyone

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-18414925432512087452010-05-05T16:44:00.002+01:002010-05-05T17:00:29.356+01:00

I'm seeing the fall out - or perhaps my brain has actually fallen out.Confessed to the harm injuries to my first class instructor, who was a little worried but when i told her i'd completed a weeks worth of classes without ripping the stitches out and that i was kind of taking it easy she relaxed a little. The brain was fine with aerobics but then i know the routine well after a month of it. Body

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-51019459293886550622010-05-04T17:29:00.004+01:002010-05-04T18:28:13.703+01:00

It became clear that an appointment with K, after the one with Terry Pratchett, wasn't going to stop me from the battle with me against my subconscious.Terry Pratchett..... i don't really remember. I was freezing cold, shivering by the end. Having waited 30 minutes before someone decided they would check to see if he was actually free. Stupid CMHT. Started off talking about my emotional

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-89343296903313445022010-05-02T15:16:00.002+01:002010-05-02T15:19:22.984+01:00

can you develop PTSD from hospital admitions? or are the just all mixed in wih the crap thats going round in my head?

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-3867701379011609002010-04-30T20:34:00.003+01:002010-04-30T21:35:30.303+01:00

Appointment with K was at 6.12pm, i knew i'd never see her at that time, but i still got there 20 minutes early because i just needed to leave the house. I couldn't worry about the appointment with mum around me.half a dozen people in the waiting room, but my favourite receptionist behind the desk. The people gradually disappeared, leaving me alone in a more than familiar room. I've lost track

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-60487617378965478812010-04-27T21:11:00.003+01:002010-04-27T21:20:29.040+01:00

I didn't realise how much earlier means i have lost my grasp on things.I want to do it again and again. I want to go out for a walk - now in the dark. I want to sit on the bench in the churchyard, in the cold & cry. I want to disappear into the night.I can order things because i don't know how long they will take to get here & i can't afford to risk it arriving at the weekend & mum finding

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-83763742959251772182010-04-27T19:16:00.002+01:002010-04-27T19:28:08.645+01:00

i have 6 (or is it 7?) of them right now. put there by a doctor, with the help of a nurse - and actually my help too because the light was broken to i held it up & stopped it hitting them on the head. I would have fixed things myself & went asking for them to simply give me the things i needed to fix myself, but they wouldn't let me & simply took the 20 mins out of their appointments to do it

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-20188327555257474722010-04-25T08:47:00.004+01:002010-04-25T08:59:01.588+01:00

not sure it pulls me out me, but it can be wonderful distraction.

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-14836430263434903472010-04-23T22:34:00.003+01:002010-04-23T23:05:54.645+01:00

I am becoming lost, even more so than i already am.Life is becoming very hazy, blurred around the edges, no defining points or markers. I am becoming more uncertain as to where i am. In the past, present, a dream, a nightmare, a fear regarding the future or even the media - a book or TV programme.My thoughts no longer seem my own. I worry if i have stolen them from someone or somewhere.I'm

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-19028298290441418132010-04-22T21:12:00.002+01:002010-04-22T21:34:47.430+01:00

Signed up & payed for the exams today - all i need now is a note from my GP (and some diazepam too i think). Woman at the finance window heard me chatting the girl i've got to know best (we both just been to see the student support lady)"Everyone who comes to the window to pay for an exam has been saying exactly the same thing. Don't Worry."Yeh, sure. Do you know me, lady-at-the-finance-window

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-53021970175465678282010-04-21T19:31:00.002+01:002010-04-21T20:04:33.459+01:00

I'm so tired. Tired of dragging/driving myself to the gym, in tears & then driving home again in tears. On Monday it was too hard to hold it it & as soon as N asked me what was wrong, i promptly burst into tears - poor bloke. There are so many things going around in my head. Exams, memories of school & hospitals, exercise, food.......I think i'm going to attempt the exam, but if i now work my

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-42605054266797601602010-04-18T17:12:00.002+01:002010-04-18T17:28:52.305+01:00

One of the reasons i hate breaking my routine so much is that i find it so hard to regain control.Treats & eating out galore for the last 3 days but now i can't or rather don't want to stop it, however the tiredness has hit & now i have nothing left to give. The sofa & a recording of Britains Got Talent is as much as my brain is up to right now. Even the horrible appetite has gone finally, i

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-67056471967015967872010-04-13T20:56:00.002+01:002010-04-13T21:29:11.354+01:00

I'm seriously considering it. Just to get rid of the bits i don't want. Not to enhance, not to shape bone and not on my face.Just a little removal of the wobbly bits/stuff. The bits i now can't seem to shift with diet or exercise.I'm not stupid enough to go abroad for it because its cheap over seas (but after a flight/travel etc its probably just as expensive.) but i am tempted by one well

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-20998782096267454782010-04-12T17:29:00.002+01:002010-04-12T18:20:13.309+01:00

Since October i've been going most thursdays (except half term, xmas, another half term & now easter, plus 2 sickness days) - to college.We got the exam form before easter. The student support lady suggested doing it in a separate room or have extra time, but she said i needed something official, so i went to see J today. I just got the feeling from J that she didn't think i needed it. I just

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-34416990204635792502010-04-07T18:21:00.002+01:002010-04-07T18:26:51.675+01:00

Mum just came home to find me asleep.......I'd gone to sleep at 4.30pm, woken at 5pm, turned over & went back to sleep, woken up at 5.30pm thought i had half still before mum & D got home so turned and fell asleep again........until mum sat on my bed and woke me up at 6pm.The last time she came home to fnd me asleep in bed i'd ODed, she couldn't get any sense out of me, struggled to get me to A&E

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-26857213618706141622010-04-06T20:35:00.003+01:002010-04-06T20:53:10.678+01:00

My head seems to be running away with me. Thoughts seem to rattle through my brain, flashing past before i can get a hold on them. Then follow the memories. So brief i can only just identify the year & location before they have given way to the next. Then the fears force their way to the front. The Future, the present. The "what ifs?".They race through like an express train. Not stopping

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-36352117202388006152010-04-01T18:49:00.003+01:002010-04-01T19:20:33.354+01:00

I went to college today (and cried my though the class - but thats another story) and while i was away from my control zone (home) Mum's cousin started making soup.Potato & leek - that's ok i thought, then mum started blending it for her in the kitchen a second ago - with FULL FAT MILK!! AGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!I'd finally got my head around the fact that we were going to eat out yet again tonight -

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-4748258914049431712010-03-30T22:39:00.004+01:002010-03-30T22:54:50.778+01:00

I have a wedding to go to in July. I have been vaguely looking for a dress, and today whilst entertaining our visitors at a big shopping centre i found something that was almost looking OK. But i called mum in to see what she thought.She loved it on me, saying i look elegant, grown up, mature, stunning etc etc. "You should know by now that i don't bother lying to you anymore" She said. "Yes

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-89024450828019990882010-03-30T06:24:00.002+01:002010-03-30T06:45:01.852+01:00

The title of this post is something i seem to be saying to mum constantly right now. Trying to reassure her that i'm not falling apart with the stress of the change of routine, no gym, no eating pattern etc etc. How convincing i am on the issue, i'm not sure.Awake at 6 am, yet again for the 3rd day. Yesterday our visitors didn't surface until about 10am & in fact mum & D didn't get up until

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-49630053300050727182010-03-28T07:59:00.003+01:002010-03-28T08:10:25.318+01:00

*******************************************************YOU WERE WARNED IN THE TITLE!!!A short nights sleep of 6 hours filled with horrendous, gorey, gruesome nightmares - well one part was like a horror movie.This mans insides seemed to fall out & i was then looking at to men - one was his insides and the other........ just skin and bones on his body (ok, just thinking about the meaning of that

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-30445575389085559642010-03-27T22:35:00.004Z2010-03-28T07:59:40.169+01:00

I was doing fine. I managed to cope at lunch with simply leaving the chips that came with me sandwich and salad, without feeling the need to eat them simply because they were there.We walked around a town, near a castle - so a little bit of exercise.But then we got home. I got through the door first and i knew as soon as i saw the envelope, what it would contain. The wonderful stress causing

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-49881758868348147082010-03-26T08:03:00.003Z2010-03-26T08:19:50.892Z

Stress levels are peaking, so much to do today even though the dentist just called to cancel.Stress levels = appetite increase. Already an extra cereal bar & a couple of handfuls of cereal this morning.Need to leave the house & go to the gym. Right Now before i eat something else.And the family (all 2 of them) haven't even arrived yet..........oh help.

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-87414582563131965552010-03-22T19:27:00.002Z2010-03-22T19:37:19.962Z

The telephone just rang. I answered to hear K's voice. "Hello, it's K here. Can i speak to D please?"At first i was relieved, because it wasn't me she was after/hunting down & it meant i didn't have to try and have a tricky conversation whilst mum & D were in earshot. I didn't have to explain why i haven't been to see her, & make up some excuse as to how i am feeling right now.But now the

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-28825758935801497992010-03-22T07:40:00.004Z2010-03-22T08:34:48.581Z

I need to talk to someone. I cannot take keeping all this stuff inside of me. There is so much going on in my head, too much to deal with simply in diaries & blogging.But this person needs to be trusted (which narrows is down a lot). I don't want to talk to a 'professional', who is going to write our conversation down or tell someone else. I just want someone to listen to me, share the

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-2020278374080534042010-03-20T08:35:00.002Z2010-03-20T09:24:38.120Z

I was expecting a letter from Terry Pratchett, but instead i get a letter from the department based in a town i rarely step foot in, asking if i would like a psychology consultationNo! I don't want a consultation/assessment to discuss my "difficulties, which is a very important way of reaching an understanding of them" or "how psychotherapy could help" me. And i don't need your "leaftlet

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-84549326089198052302010-03-17T21:56:00.003Z2010-03-17T22:44:18.839Z

I was doing fine. I'd managed to make an effort with clothes, jewelery & make-up. I finally decided on ordering a starter but as a main course portion, but in fairness the menu was huge and we were handed 3 separate bits of paper to attempt to decide from, most of which was meat. In fact there was no lighter option so i think i did quite well. I'd even managed to enjoy a small pudding too,

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-24935862171150015822010-03-08T20:34:00.004Z2010-03-08T21:14:24.511Z

Why does my attempts at exercise feel like its not enough? Why do i still feel like i'm eating far too much? Why do i still feel like i look 3 months pregnant?Managed to keep inside the calorie GDA (although i'm sure i read somewhere that apparently the female GDA is an underestimation) today but it still felt like a massive overeat. Compare to last weeks daily intake, i suppose it was, for

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-81598219908160520012010-03-04T17:43:00.004Z2010-03-04T18:15:35.924Z

I don't care if it seems babyish or childlike, but i think every now and then human beings need cuddles. Not romantic cuddles, not parent/child cuddles, not patronising sympathy cuddles. Just someone to hold them, help them block out the word & protect them from everyone and everything outside. I want to create a bubble around me and my protector. I imagine 3 layers/barriers - a humans arms

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-39598810844084935852010-03-02T19:14:00.005Z2010-03-02T20:35:39.418Z

Today's meeting wasn't quite as bad as expected - although maybe it is better to work yourself up into a frenzy, get a very bad night's sleep the night before, go to the gym the next morning spend an hour in the gym (including 30 intensive minutes in the cross trainer) - half kill yourself (due to the fact of a lingering, so far, week long chesty cough/cold and therefore not having done anything

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-6954312651102553362010-03-01T08:47:00.002Z2010-03-01T08:55:30.145Z

I daren't risk playing that song by the Spice Girls today - otherwise i'll never stop crying. I'm fighting the tears as much as i can already.Mum and i had a 'heated dicussion' about tomorrow's meeting, last night. I said she was wasting her time, she said she needed to to it otherwise she hadn't tried everything which would mean she had failed. She still seems to think she can cure/change me.

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1093505924126737541.post-40410686329793438592010-02-27T07:34:00.002Z2010-02-27T08:16:12.632Z

It seems i am even too big/overweight/f-a-t according to my mother now too. I have been getting various comments since she realised i was try with all my might to loose weight. In fact i'm starting to wonder now if she'd care if i stopped eating all together - if only i could fight my appetite & the stress/comfort eating that much.When she first noticed i'd started cutting back (plus going to

Susiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13591231688596553922noreply@blogger.com0