Friday, 10 January 2014


I told my lovely mentor that I had a little boost from a tutor in the revision session. I feel he may have over emphasised by saying I "smashed it".

She replied saying "i do agree with your tutor in that you probably will smash it! You are the best prepared out of all my students and thankfully more than ready for this exam."

I still can't deal with people being kind to me, especially those that my stupid brain has kind of fallen attached to.  When I suggested our next meeting her words were,

"this is your mentoring, you set the agenda"

There that part of me too that wishes someone would take the control away. I guess thats where K's theory of self sabotage comes in, maybe thats why I do it? But itz only because I don't feel I can manage things anymore.

Her last text?

"All the best for monday, although i have full confidence in your ability"

She replies to work stuff at weekends. She doesn't need to, but she does. She cares and right now I never want to let her go. She's like one of my uni mums. Yes, yet again I am that little girl who just was to feel loved and comforted.

She's not the first to say that, and I wish I shared their confidence.   But its not about my ability is it? Its about me managing my anxieties and keeping it all together.

Home for the weekend distracting myself with a bit of revision thrown in, but I know when sunday evening hits and then Monday morning comes..... well at least being one of the first I have less time to get worked up and can run away and hide soon after.

Although the plan is I meet someone so I'm not hyperventilating on my own. Don't know if she will be free at such short notice though.  I only got the exam details late tonight.

I want to pass, but I want to fall apart and let this all out my system and for people to see how I really feel inside at the same time.  Can I do both?

Thursday, 9 January 2014


I think I may have just double dosed on my meds again..... I'm not sure.  I wasn't sure if I took the lunch time dose so took one just in case and I've just done the same with the night time dose.

Don't suppose it really matters as it doesn't have to much of an effect  short term.  I think there has been a difference since the dose increase in general long term, its been a  month now.

My brain just feels like mush right now. I don't know if its from too much revision and  too much stress, or taking the high dose of beta blockers to get through a study session today. (that turned me into a zombie after a week on them last time, with mum begging me to stop taking them because I was just so depressed and hadn't been like that for a few years).

I think the beta blockers did the job, well my heart rate barely got off the floor that's for sure.  Would have been interesting if someone had tried to take my pulse!  So I think I will use them for the real exams.  They may stop the physical symptoms but I'm not sure they can stop the emotions.   I am planning to meet with someone onmy support network afterwards on Monday,  so I can cry with someone and hopefully avoid too much destruction,  although that didn't stop me last time but then I think I was a lot lower and distressed already last time.

Tuesday, 31 December 2013

Comfort and Compassion

I'm so glad she's my GP.

After feeling like she didn't understand how much things had affected my before christmas, today I just felt that harsh and firm attitude had gone.  After telling her about the family arguments over christmas and how I was defending by all except the one who doesn't think before he speaks and doesn't care how he make others feel, as i sat with the tears rolling yet again, i'm sure there was a term of endearment used as she told be where the tissues were.  It's something i don't think i've ever heard from her before.

Its not just my family that i feel i have to make things up to, but there are a few professionals too and as she's been my GP for the past 8 years and saved my life literally by coming out to me or seeing me when i had jeopardised my life, not always meaning to at times, I feel i owe her a lot too.

She made me smile though the tears today though.

She said that it wasn't my fault that i came from "a wonky egg" and that it wasn't mum's either.

I do know that now, even if i do need reminding of it occasionally but as i responded to her, i find it hard feeling like i am still living a battle not a life. Do i really have to spend the rest of my life fighting rather than living?

She took my hand before I left.  It's a kind of a cross between a hand shake and that comforting holding of someone's hand.  It's the closest she'll ever (rightly) come to crossing that boundary.  But I know when she does take my hand that I've got it right somewhere and she's willing me to keep fighting.

Friday, 13 December 2013

An answer to her question

I was asked today if I want to stop doing the damage to myself that I've done in the last 10 days. I've lashed out so much. To go with the severe bruising to my arm which I ended up getting xrayed, there's now the 2 injuries that needed suturing which I did on the same day. The 2nd resulting in another trip to the minor injuries unit, where I was seen by the same nurse. Fortunately I was allowed to be patched up and leave which was all I was asking for.

I still can't open a door or lift anything heavy and the bruising is still quite apparent.  Its still keeping me awake at night too. I should have realised I'd lost control when I came home to see J and the shock on her face.  Sad really that I have to use the reaction of a nurse who has seen me at my worst, to gauge whether what I've done is worse than usual.  It shows me that I can't see what is really going on at the moment. I just feel like I've lost track of what I'm doing. Almost lost control.

Yet again I couldn't say that I want to stop. I told her how at the moment it is the fear of being without that coping mechanism.  I don't want to feel like this.  I don't want to feel like I'm clinging on. But I still can't say I want to stop.  It's like it's become part of my identity again and I don't know who I am without self harm.

I feel fine and safe and secure and almost reasonably relaxed while I'm shut in a room with the various people for meetings but when they are over and I'm back on my own life just feels overwhelming. How did it become like this again?  I saw one person a week for support and generally only my mentor for academic stuff when we were in lectures, yet the last few weeks I seem to be seeing one person per day. I never had any contact with out of hours support,  now I'm wishing I felt able to call every evening,  except that really is just taking advantage of help I feel. 

I'm not sure I have what it takes to do this career.  Too many flaws in my personality and character have resurfaced. I thought I'd moved on from them.  I thought I'd left behind the girl with attachment issues and the screwed up thinking.  It seems she's back. I find myself clingy and being conscious of what I say or do in case it shows. The temptation tonight to cause damage and harm to myself to express the distress in my head - to show people that it's really not ok. Those around me here who know the full details have seen it I think. But to get mum to realise?  Is that where I need to go? Will she not realise how much this has knocked me down unless I end up in hospital?

I don't want to go there and I thought the worst of the damage and harm was done but there's still that part of me that wants an easier route out of this.  That sensible part, that logical part that my mentor found so unbelievable is still clinging on. It's that part that despite being off my head on sedatives and alcohol and unaware what I was doing can still go to the library and get books out reasonably relevant to my course.  I don't remember any of it but the books and the receipt from 4.30am told me it happened.

I think what I want is for someone to take this all away from me. As much as these wonderful supportive people can be there for me, the decision is still mine. If I go too far and do something too dangerous and harmful,  there's that chance it will be taken out of my hands. The decision will be taken from me and I won't have to think anymore or have that weight on my shoulders.

But is that really what I want? Did I not come here to move on again in my life? I think my worry is that no matter how much I try I can't leave it behind,  which makes me question whether my career choice is right, despite none of these demons taking hold while I was at work.  Even when the patient came in who had self harmed,  yes it threw me for a bit but the next day was a new day and it didn't have a hold on me.  Where did my mental strength go to?  How have I ended up in this spiral and circle that has trapped me once again?

Do I want to stop harming?  I just can't say yes right now and once again I can't see my life without it.

Thursday, 28 November 2013

Feeling human

I text my mentor earlier to let her know where to meet next week and also thank her for the session today as although it is her job I still wanted her to know I appreciate her time. I told her how I felt more human after the stresses and lows of the last 2 weeks,  but in doing so and thinking about it more and also on receiving her reply I realised that it possibly would be better to go back to how I have been managing. 

I left feeling a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, yet now,  7 hours on i just feel hurt, vulnerable, isolated and alone yet again.  I have barely cried in the last week but after a human, non-serious conversation this afternoon which felt fine, in fact I actually felt relaxed for once, while we were together during the session - I have now spent all evening rereading the reply to my text and wishing partly that I hadn't let her in because yet I feel like that scared, lost and lonely girl who just wants some comfort. 

I know that is not her role and I'm so conscious these days of not over stepping the boundaries after a teenage catalogue of disasters over issues like that. But at the same time that screwed up side of me is reappearing longing for physical comfort and someone to talk to and share my tears with.

This course is making me question whether my past has been resolved or whether the past 2 seemingly successful years have been a lie, ignoring a flaw within me that I will never escape.

Maybe this occupational health doctor is right to want a psych assessment of me?  Or maybe I've just let him put too much doubt in my mind. I do feel though that old insecurities are creeping back in but if I let anyone know it could spell the end of my journey and yet again I will viewed as the messed up little girl who can't let go or move on and is incapable of leading a 'normal' life.

Friday, 22 November 2013

Making a Mess

I wish someone could clean up the mess i've made. At 2am though its either me or a 15 minute drive in a car that is frozen over.

I wish i could get someone to do it for me.  To take care of me but i can't let it show either.  The paperwork trail is too dangerous as well.

If someone would do it for me anonymously with no stress, where i could just relax with no fear of repercussions.

But if i sleep now the mess will be worse when i wake up - and i'll have to set my alarm for 4 hours time rather than the 5 it is currently set for.

One day i'd love to provide this service to someone else - although they might still have to defrost their cars during winter.

Monday, 7 October 2013

Seeking Help to Maintain Sanity

I went to see an adviser today, who was suggested to me.   He was a slightly off the wall character but he had that air about him that made me feel reasonably safe and pretty sure that he had experienced mental health issues himself, which is what i had been told by my referrer.

He was quite relaxed about the whole thing and nothing i said seemed to phase him or worry him. He asked me if i had harmed. As usual i hate lying. With no details divulged i said yes.  "I have a student who self harms every day" he told me.  Was i supposed to be shocked, jealous, amazed? I don't know Was i supposed to try and compete with that?  Did he tell me to try and get more information out of me? By telling me they were still allowed to do their course, was he trying to see if i'd relax more and open up?

I have no idea what the purpose was.

By the time we'd chatted for an hour i had the feeling i wanted to scream slightly and maybe i  was inside.  I wanted to telling him that he has no fucking idea what was going around in my head, of the things i want to do to myself and that the harm i did last night was nothing and that i could quite easily take the full box of 48 400mg ibuprofen i have or the collection of benzo's and other sedatives i have.  Even after the ones i have taken in the last 2 weeks to help me get through (which was my intended use, it was not for a planned misuse), i know the damage i could do and the power i hold locked away in my room. But i also know i don't really want to end it for good, however although i walked away last time "i just wanted to go to sleep for a bit" I was a) extremely luck physically and b) they probably have a better crisis team here so i may not escape to easily there either.

But i couldn't tell him that.  Despite him knowing that i had harmed recently, which he didn't seem bothered by, i still don't have anyone that i can tell the whole truth to.  It's been ok in recent years when my head has felt calm but now the stress and anxiety levels are up, and instead of settling seem to be rising further, I once again have the fear of speaking out against myself.

If they really knew....what goes on in my messed up mind, how i want to take all the stress, hate, anger, frustration and fear out on myself.....They will never let me move onto the second part of my course in 6 weeks time. So yet again i am left crying to myself because i cannot turn to anyone and even if i could no one can take away the thoughts inside my mind.

I have no clue right now how i am going to get through the next 2 years.  I came in full on confidence like a bull in a china shop with such determination, telling myself i could do this and now i'm left simply trying not to fail again.

Its also just occured to me of what the hell am i going to do when these sedatives run out? How the hell am i going to sleep at night.

Mr Adviser said he was unimportant at the uni "until the shit hits the fan" when he then became very important. I'm seeing him again in 2 weeks, just before occy health when my fear is that it will hit the fan.  He said occy health does ask him for advise sometimes and so maybe if i can keep my mouth shut in the next 2 weeks if they do ask him, it will all be ok.

Shame i can't just make my head stop for the next 2 weeks, or at least not without screwing up the best opportunity i have ever had.

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