Thursday, 3 September 2009


I'm in a garden centre, crying. Why, i don't know. But then very often there is no reason, in fact i'm not really sure there ever has been.

Nurse Practioner, J, is there. She walks through the rows of flowers across the other side of the room. Why doesn't she look up? Why doesn't she see me. I muddle around, resisting the urge to purposely make our paths cross. It feels wrong for me to cross her path however i pray she crosses mine, finding me and my distress.

After a while it seems she will not stumble on my misery, and so i leave the shop and return to my car, with tears rolling down my cheeks faster than ever. I fumble to put the key in the ignition, finally turning it to start the engine. I've given up on finding help & seeking comfort. Its time to go home and give myself to the black clouds that hang over me, sinking down into a black hole.

I never make out of the car park. Through the tears & due to lack of strength in my arms i fail to see & turn the steering wheel enough to avoid a brick wall. I don't think i'm hurt, but my prays are answered. J is by side, having opened my car door. She speaks but i don't hear what she says. I'm too lost in the black clouds by now to feel any comfort from her. All she can do is guide me.

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